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Hey there, just a short snippet of a potentially much longer story. I don't really do visceral writing, but something like this really needs it, so this is my attempt at that. I'd hate to post up the rest of it if it falls flat on its face here, so for now i'm more interested in getting the narrative right. As soon as that could be right, then im happy to doll out much, much larger projects. So any thoughts? Is the narrative clear enough, or does it need more time showing the details? Or worse, does it repeat or spend too long on any details, thus disrupting any flow? Frustratingly for me, i see both issues!
Anyways, hope you enjoy.

The Fist Holds
(extract)

All around the compound perimeter they were being overwhelmed. There were now multiple breaches along the north wall and the orks were pouring through, while the eastern wall defence was crumbling under the weight of the audacious scaling and jump assaults. The north defence tower was a smoking ruin in danger of collapsing back into the compound and it appeared that the tower’s death had taken the targeting cogitator for the half dozen or so still functioning heavy-bolter turrets with it.
With the crucial defence turrets silenced, the orks at the northern wall cast whatever flimsy notion of caution that they still had to the wind, and threw themselves forward. Their collective deep throated war cry reverberated around the camp. It sounded like the mountains of the Vegna valley were collapsing around them.
Tannis took a quick look around at the situation on the walls and within the compound.
It was an easy decision.
‘Feck this,’ he brought his vox caster up to his lips, ‘Perimeter is lost, I repeat, perimeter is lost. All picket forces fall back to the primary relay, platoons Aiden through Gorga, full retreat to the-‘
‘Belay that order.’
Tannis recoiled from his vox as if struck. The voice that had interrupted him had been impossibly deep, so much so that for a moment he wasn’t completely sure what it had said.
It continued. ‘This is brother sergeant Omhid Leones of the Imperial Fists chapter astartes. You are receiving reinforcement in T-minus thirty-one seconds. Clear the road at the northern gate of all your personnel, hold all defensive positions and direct your primary fire support to the eastern wall and await further instruction. Acknowledge.’
Tannis stared at the vox in his hand. Thirty one seconds?
He looked around the compound, trying to see if there was something taking place in the Vegna valley that had escaped his notice but finding nothing different. The black peaks of the Senserra Mountains faced him on each side of the valley, entirely derelict save for skeins of ice scrawled around their surfaces. Much of the north valley was obscured by smoke, but what little Tannis could make out revealed more mobile ork positions making their way through the grey-glade grassland. More tellingly – and distressingly - there was no movement at all down the south valley.
‘Acknowledge,’ the deep voice came again with more immediacy, causing Tannis to jump.
Astartes. In thirty-one seconds.
The voice was asking them to hold positions. A few more minutes of this punishment and Tannis was sure that the whole position would be untenable. Once the ork advance was inside the Medkarthi lines, there would be no way to recover the situation. All his sense screamed at him to call the troops back to a defensible position and try to rally around the strong point at the base of the relay. That stood a chance of maintaining their unit cohesion. That might allow them to live just a little bit longer. Staying spread out in the face of this onslaught as the enemy came among them just seemed like madness. To say nothing of directing his primary fire support away from the primary threat of the rout taking place across the northern wall, to the considerable, but very much secondary danger at the east wall.
‘Major?’ came the voice of captain Reeves, his voice was difficult to hear over the sound of him and his men fighting for their lives. ‘Orders?’
It claimed to be astartes. Could a mortal even refuse the order of an astartes? Was that allowed?
The orks were now really pressing the attack. They were right into the imperial lines, forcing the hard pressed Medkarthi into a desperate melee in which they were hopelessly outmatched. They were buckling on two fronts and every second that they stayed where they were, the harder it became for them to safely fall back even if they wanted to.
His people were dying.
‘Gak!’ He finally brought the vox caster back to his mouth, ‘Major Rob Tannis of the Medkarthi highlanders; Galdun Vegna acknowledges your approach. All platoons hold fast to your placement…‘
He continued on speaking into his caster as a litany of protests returned to him over the vox. The men didn’t want to die defending a position after it had already been overrun.
‘…Gunnery teams, redirect all fire towards the eastern wall. Reserve platoons, Hagan through Kalika, move to reinforce the eastern wall. Any unit currently on or near the northern road, fall back by fire teams to the relay.’
As he shouted into the vox, there was a shrieking noise getting louder and louder in the air above them. He looked up to see a fierce white light plummeting down through the cloud cover towards the compound.
It looked alarmingly like a ship in orbit had fired ordinance at them.
Below the fast approaching, shrieking meteor, the men of the Medkarthi highlanders moved in response to their Major’s orders. They engaged the enemy with the grim resolution that this was their last stand. All the reserves that had been waiting to cover the retreat of the men stationed at the walls, made their way to counter strike the ork assault on the eastern wall. With them, turned the gunnery teams at the base of the relay who had so recently been the only good thing going for the beleaguered platoons fighting at the northern breaches. With this fire support gone, the ork attack fell upon the defenders behind the wall with full, unadulterated force.
As much as the redeployment made it look like they might repel the attack to the east, it left them plainly exposed to the serious threat from the breaches. The killing blow was now falling with nothing of substance left to meet it.
This was it.
The light of the comet-thing grew in intensity and the shrieking sound it gave off reached an even higher pitch. It was losing velocity exceptionally quickly; it rapidly slowed from the approach of a hurtling cannon shot to something more akin to a road racer at full speed.
The object slammed into the road just before the northern gate with immense force. The explosive sound of the impact blanketed out any other noise and the physical trauma shook the ground all over the compound. For the orks who had been amassing there, being pooled to the spot where they met the least resistance, and intent on opening the gates, the impact was truly comparable to heavy ordinance. Many exploded in the violent shockwave, or else were flung away with such force that it shattered bone. Others were simply crushed beneath it.
Immediately following its dramatic arrival, the object opened up on each of its vertical sides, exposing an interior.
From those openings stepped giants.
They stormed out from the smoking pod already firing into the stunned ork incursion.
The booming voice returned to the vox, speaking over background noise of xenos being furiously slaughtered, ‘Reinforcement has arrived, push the attack.’

Hmm need a little work at the start to make it flow better but it definatly got better as I read on. The best advise I can give you ignore that it's your story and read it like it's A story. Don't worry it wasn't gak it just needs tweeking. Have a read of mine to get some ideas and the comments people have put up, some may help you to.

It has some smal issues but notting fatal. I enjoyed it quite much, well done. Feel free to read mine or LoneLictors work for some help

What Trondheim said they both helped me out.

Hey, thanks for the feedback. Like you say, the sweet spot is probably in being able read something you have written as if you are proof reading someone elses stuff, but i really struggle to see past what I know i'm trying to achieve in the writing. Because I know my intentions, it gives me an extra angle of critical insight that makes me think everything i put down could have been done sharper or more with more subtlety. Anyways, maybe too small a sample to see if it works or not. I'll try to post up more of it soon. Might also do something similar with a different story, see how things go at a less frenetic pace.

Is there more to come from this story?

I demand more!

I agree, we need to hear more from your Astartes because they were barely in your story so far and I would like to get a sense of them which is lacking so far.