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[The following extract is taken from Da Kronikles of Da Black Orc, as transcribed by Squigbait the Smartass, complete with translation into English]
Da blizzard howled and raged like sum chained squig dat can’t quite reach da grinnin’ snotling who’s bin pokin’ it wiv a stick. A solitary figga klad in fick furs trudged hed down thru da meeta high sno driftz, karvin’ a wide parf with ‘is bulk. ‘E raized a big hand to shield ‘is beedy black eyes and gazed up at da loomin’ mountain pass before ‘im. Dis woz it, ‘e fort. ‘E trudged on.
Rocky krags towered above ‘im on either side as ‘e continued ‘is journey. Da unrelentin’ wind dat had bin pushin’ ‘im back whilst ‘e forged ‘is way across da vast platto suddenly stopped, and ‘is ears woz left ringin’ in da ensooing silence. E’ stopped for a moment and kontemplated da eerie stillness, noddin’ and gruntin’ quietly to ‘imself dat ‘e konsidered da sudden quietness to be a bit… unusual.
An axe appeared in ‘is hand. Just in case, ‘e fort.
‘E carried on walkin’, castin’ suspishus looks into da kracks and kaves in da granit walls on each side. ‘E noo dat ‘e woz bein’ watched. Probably dose skinny fairies wit da pointy faces who is supposed to gard dis place. But ‘e weren’t scared, tho. Elves are easy enough to break. You just gotta be quick enuff to catch ‘em. And dis black orc woz very quick.
‘E kept on goin’ and eventually da pass widened to reveal a strange valley. It woz strange because dere woz no sno, and it weren’t cold and dere were trees and flowers and glitterin’ waterfalls and birds singin’ and – well, I fink you get da picture. ‘E barred ‘is teef and let out a low growl from ‘is throat, before spittin’ on da ground in obvious disgust. ‘Is grip tightened on ‘is axe. ‘E felt da sudden urge to chop stuff.
As if in answer to ‘is prayers, a numba of elves – klad in shiny armour dat made ‘is eyes hurt if ‘e stared at it too long – flowed quietly out of da forest. Dey had long spears and skinny swords. Sum distance ahed, on top of a hill surrounded by peculiar trees, ‘e cort sight of two tall pillaz covered wiv roonz’n’stuff. Dere woz a weird shimmering in between dem dat made everyfink behind it all wobbly.
Dere it woz; just like da weirdboy ‘ad told ‘im. Da portal.
‘E returned his attenshun to da elves as they began to close in on ‘im and grinned. It wasn’t a very nice grin. In fact, it woz quite a bad grin. Espeshully if you woz an elf.
It woz choppin’ time.
Translation…
The blizzard howled and raged like a caged squig fighting to reach the snotling that was currently poking it with a stick. A solitary figure clad in thick furs trudged head down through the metre-high snow drifts, carving a wide path with his bulk. He raised a big hand to shield his beady black eyes and gazed up at the looming mountain pass before him. This was it, he thought. He trudged on.
Rocky crags towered above him on either side as he continued his journey. The unrelenting wind that had been pushing him back whilst he forged his way across the vast plateau suddenly stopped, and his ears were now ringing in the ensuing silence. He stopped for a moment and contemplated the eerie stillness, nodding and grunting quietly to himself that he considered the sudden quietness to be a bit… unusual.
An axe appeared in his hand. Just in case, he thought.
He carried on walking, casting suspicious looks into the cracks and caves in the granite walls on each side. He knew that he was being watched. Probably those skinny fairies with the pointy faces that supposedly guarded this place. But he wasn’t scared, though. Elves are easy enough to break. You just have to be quick enough to catch them. And this black orc was very quick.
He kept on going and eventually the pass widened to reveal a strange valley. It was strange because there was no snow and it was no longer cold. Also, there were trees and flowers, glittering waterfalls and birds singing and – well, I think you get the picture. He barred his teeth and released a low growl from his throat, before spitting on the ground in obvious disgust. His grip tightened on his axe. He felt the sudden urge to chop stuff.
As if in answer to his prayers, a number of elves – clad in shiny armour that made his eyes hurt if he stared at it too long – flowed quietly out of the forest. They had long spears and skinny swords. Some distance ahead, on top of a hill surrounded by peculiar trees, he caught sight of two tall pillars covered with intricate runic designs. There was a weird shimmering in between the pillars that made everything behind it look all wobbly.
There it was; just like the weirdboy had told him. The portal.
He returned his attention to the elves as they began to close in on him, and grinned. It wasn’t a very nice grin. In fact, it was quite a bad grin. Especially if you happened to be an elf.
It was chopping time.
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