Completely terrible, filled with amateur mistakes and a severe lack of planning.
Sascha Krieger, Gretel Ehrenstein, Heinrich Kernish, and Yosef Komarov were gathered by a frozen lake on Sturmkrieg. Their educational system had shutdown because of the mounting depression that was beginning to become severe in the Sturmkrieg Empire. This would put them on the early path to revolution. They were 15 on this winter day, mid-way between the Horus Heresy and the 41st millennium. Heinrich Kernish was sitting under a tree with Yosef Komarov as they discussed the video-simulations that they frequently used for entertainment. Yosef was a major player of the simulation games that were developed, even more so than Heinrich, who was a very dedicated gamer. Sascha Krieger was sitting down closer to the lake with Gretel Ehrenstein. He had just walked down from tree to sit with her, after Heinrich's conversation with Yosef had grown extremely intense with details about the simulations that they played. Sascha had recently taken an interest in Gretel, unlike Heinrich or Yosef. Heinrich would follow shortly. Sascha sat down next to Gretel on the grass, where they both looked out over the frozen lake.
You know what that is? That is an eleven sentence paragraph, and it still manages to tell us next to nothing. A good paragraph will have 4-6 sentences used to reaffirm a single idea or course of action, giving it the proper amount of description and exposition in order to make the scene pop. What do you have here? You have one paragraph that jumps around without a central idea in order to tell us as much stuff as possible, and telling it poorly.
So, this is about Sascha, Gretel, Heinrich and Yosef as they sit by a lake. But then it's about the depression and the school system being shut down. Then you make the jump to revolution, before telling us that they are 15 years old, half way between modern
40K and the Heresy. See what I mean about being scattershot? You just decided to tell us their age before telling us the timeline which shouldn't make any difference to these characters. You seem to want to write from their perspectives, but then you go and narrate as an omnipresence.
Then it's time to describe the characters. If you are going to do this, you need to be tactful. Simply telling us "Heinrich is a gamer" doesn't say anything about his character. Gretel and Sascha sitting by a lake tells us nothing about either of them as well. What's worse is that you are jamming this all into the same paragraph as the rest of your information. It dilutes it and makes everything more shallow. There's being brief, and then there's stringing together incoherent thought because you can't use proper grammar.
Also, if it's winter, why is there still grass beside a frozen lake. Usually you get a good dump of snow along waterfronts due to the way weather acts around water.
"I don't know what it is, but I feel like this is a really memorable moment... Maybe it's our independence or something like that, I'm not sure what it is. I just know that this, now, all of us, together, it just feels like a really great time. I really don't know how to explain it." Sascha commented.
"I think I know what you're trying to say. I've been getting the feeling for the first time that we're getting older. And the independence that comes with it, it's a strange, strong feeling."
"I think it also comes from not knowing what's ahead, but in a good way, like we have opportunity."
"Except I don't think we'll be having much opportunity, not with the way the Sturmkrieg Empire is going." Gretel added.
You haven't told us
anything about the situation in Sturmkrieg apart from the fact that the schools closing somehow will lead to a revolution. Having the characters comment on stuff that we haven't been made aware of is a poor way of letting the audience know. It's like killing a main character offscreen and just telling us about it. TELLING. You haven't shown us the events leading up to a revolution, you've told us in a blatant and frankly sloppy fashion.
"That's the only thing I'm worried about, but I'm sure it will come out fine by the time we grow up."
"I doubt it will. Not with how bad things have gotten in the cities and farms."
"It's going to have to get better at some point."
"At some point, and it's not like it's going to be soon. We could be spending our entire lives under the mess that Ludwig XVI got us into."
"That would only be if someone doesn't pull us out." Sascha pointed out.
"I guess there's no reason to assume that things won't get better, eventually. How have you taken last week's school cancellation?"
"I've been fine with it, but it does mean that I don't get to see everyone as much, and it does get a bit boring during the day."
"At least we're still at the age where we can have boredom. It won't last long."
"If things keep getting worse, we'll never get employed and we'll have all day for eternity to try to occupy ourselves."
"If that happens." Gretel commented, suddenly more optimistic.
"I can't take boredom, but I think I can take it fairly well compared to some of our other friends. I don't mind having reflection time on occasion. We're not doing much now, but I actually like sitting here together, watching the lake."
You just spent eleven dialogues talking about boredom and being unemployed. Also, stop throwing in so many replacement words for "Said". I haven't seen one "said" in this entire "story", when you even bother to tell us who is talking. That's another problem. Neither of your characters have a voice. They just parrot each other. "I'm bored and the depression sucks!" "Me too! I'm just as bored about the whole thing!" Gretel and Sascha have no character, they're just talking heads and you can't tell them apart
because you never bother to tell them apart. Said Gretel, said Sascha, Sascha said, Gretel said. USE THESE
TO DIFFERENTIATE WHO IS TALKING.
"I do too. You're a lot more interesting, especially more than Heinrich; all he does is sit around and complain about how angry he is."
"Lol! That's about accurate!"
If you are writing a serious story, never, ever use leetspeak. Do novelists use internet lingo when they are writing stories set in a fantasy world? No? Then why are you?
"You seem like you listen and reason with other people pretty well. Again, a lot better than Heinrich."
"Or Yosef." Sascha added.
"He listens fine, but he doesn't show as much initiative to negotiate the way you do."
"How do you like looking at the lake?"
"I think it's... Interesting. It's really pretty to look at. It's a lot like the openness that you mentioned that we're not experiencing."
"It's not the only thing that's pretty..."
"You can be really obvious sometimes..."
"Like Heinrich?"
"No, not that bad. He wouldn't get anything out of looking out at the lake."
I'm just pointing out that this entire exchange has gone on for so long without a single break in the conversation. No gestures or movements by either character, no internal reflection on what the other has said. There's nothing but their words. They might as well be speaking to each other over the phone from separate blank cubicles for all the difference it would make to the scene.
"Omnissiah what the feth! Why are we wasting time looking at a fething lake? What good is this going to do? Why are we doing this?" Sascha impersonated.
"Hahahahaha! That sounds exactly like him!"
How are we supposed to know that's what Yoseph would sound like? We don't know anything about him apart from the fact that he apparently gets angry, which you had to tell us rather than letting him speak for himself. Also, why would Omnissiah be used as an insult? And Feth is a Tanith word for a pagan forest god. It's not exactly a common insult in the Imperium, let alone a heavily german influenced Sturmkrieg.
Sascha and Gretel sat together by the lake for another half hour, with a few brief pauses, until Heinrich announced that he was board of sitting around outside. Sascha had also started to grow board, but not to the extent that Heinrich had. Sascha also felt like he had been in a great moment, and had not particularly cared for it to end.
Heinrich and Yosef led the way back to the town as Sascha and Gretel followed. They lived in a small apartment that was like a dormitory or boarding house, that had been provided by their educational system. They were still living in it, even though the school had been closed indefinitely. The educational system fortunately still had enough money to continue providing their housing and basic care.
So the depression that apparently ravaged the entire planet, enough to shut down public schooling, still somehow manages to keep housing and basic care operating? If your social institutions can't stay open, why in hell can the government still supply proper heating and food care to student housing?
What the hell does Sascha have to reflect on anyways? The beginnings of a revolution that we've seen nothing of? Talking about how bored they are because there's nothing to due during an economic meltdown? A great moment where two people sat around looking over a frozen lake. No, I don't buy it.
Also, way to have a non ending. That wasn't a story. That was an excerpt from an unfinished chapter. A story needs to have a beginning, middle, and end. This story was entirely beginning, with no middle to bridge to the nonexistent payoff. You just stopped writing. Your didn't spell check, either. It's called Bored, not Board. Boredom, not bordom. Seriously, this whole thing is riddled with mistakes a thirteen year old makes during his first writing assignment. No editing, no flow, nothing but a jumbled collection of words and ideas thrown together in a badly managed attempt to create a cohesive plot.
" -KingCracker