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Hi guys, this is part 2 of assault on the tomb world of Mandragora part 2. Hope you njoy!

The warriors began shooing the place up, with Imotekh diving for cover. The Lychguard that had subdued him were now just puddles of molten slag on the floor. One of the warriors held up a small disc, on which a hologram appeared.
"Szeras," Imotekh said, knowing to trust the known cryptek in such times.
"Indeed," he replied,"will you be acquiring any assistance, my lord?"
"Any help is welcome now, our friends from the Sekemtar dynasty want us dead."
"I'll send my deathmarks to infiltrate their crownworld and assasinate anyone who resists."
"Very well, I have to go now, my tombs in disarray."
He hurried out of the room with the small squad of warriors to meet up with his personal bodyguards: Lychguards.
"Send me to the comms center, i want the tomb on a level 3 lockdown now!"
"Yes, sir," one of the lychguard said, as warriors cannot speak.
When they arrived at the tombs central comms center, there was a Templar tactical squad, which said,
"Prepare for some baton justice, feel the freedom of the flayed virus!"
But the lychguard dispensed some baton justice of there own, and somehow managed to get rid of the baton in which was a lethal amount of flayed virus.
"Continue lockdown procedures," Imotekh commanded.
"Yes, sir," one of the lychguard replied.
Release wraiths to any sections and subsections in which the Templars are."

That's it for part 2, next part is out tomorrow. Bye!

Don't bother making new threads for each part. Just add it to the existing thread. Stops the page being cluttered and makes things easier to find.

K

Okay looking at both pieces.
It's nearly all dialogue. The issue with that is that the dialogue isn't strong enough to carry the piece on its own.
You also characterise the Necrons like humans

"Sir! Another strike fleet of unknown origin have entered the sector!" The second comms technician yelled.

rather than the genocidal metal deathbots that they are. This isn't too bad in the case of Imotekh as he is an Overlord (Or for the Cryptek) and thus has an actual personality.

There is also no sense of time. It feels like the Templars and other fleet (Should probably say what the other fleet is, Necrons will recognise other Necron ships) enter the system and then immediately arrive at the tomb.

Sidenote: templars are primarily known for their hatred of things. Hate the Mutant, Abhor the Psyker etc. It seems unlikely they would ally with Necrons. (Not sure about the BT Librarian either, though I know they have changed recently)

Usually exposition is an issue because there is too much of it and it disrupts the flow of a story. This has problems with exposition because there isn't any. We don't know where we are, what Imotekh is doing, why we should care about Imotekh's schemes...

There is also various grammatical mistakes. I would advise you re-read it in order to correct them.

All that being said, it's an interesting idea to write from the viewpoint of the Necrons.

Agreed with Purple. I too was confused at the rapid appearance of the BT and ally Crons. Throw in some discriptive paragrapths to give it a sense of time progression and set the scene so we know the suroundings of the characters. It's interesting though.

I decides that the Sekemtar dynasty would ally with the black Templars beacause they were conquered by Imotekh and basically made slaves

Do you think I should stop making these stories?

Not stop writing, more per-say check out the background fluff a bit more so you don't make a boob. there's nought wrong with it ,you just need to expand it.

A lot.

Don't stop. By all means carry on writing. Just take our comments into account and apply them. If you stop writing you'll never improve.


I don't think the Templars were ever conquered by Imotekh. Defeated maybe but not conquered.

No the seek tar dynasty was conquered by Imotekh

Sekemtar dynasty my autocorrection got dodgy

Biggest problem I can see are:

You are making them too human.
"Sir" as mentioned can simply be changed to the Necron titles "Phaeron" or "Overlord"
Comm centres? Make up a word that sounds like it.

Also, I generally do not like the idea of using named characters unless referencing to them.
It would bring in a lot of arguments about how someone would react in a story.

I, for one, cannot imagine Imotekh ducking for cover nor Admitting he needs help.

I would probably start with humans as your characters and progressively move up to other races afterwards.

Just my two cents.


-Dert