This is just my advice. Take it with a grain of salt. I'm not a published author or anything.
My friends were dead their corpses lying motionless on the grass in front of me. I was the only one left, god knows why me out of all of them, all of them smarter than me and yet I was the only one to survive. I held tightly to my pistol, saying a prayer before being interrupted by the sound of someone, female, counting money. “Twelve, thirteen…fourteen bucks” I heard her count. I took a peek out of my hiding spot, a wooden shed and saw the one responsible for my friend’s deaths. She was only about nineteen from the looks of it, wearing a white blouse with a blue skirt that ended at her ankles, her black hair tied in a bun, the sleeves of her blouse rolled up. Her back was turned, busy checking one of the corpses pockets. Taking the opportunity to sneak up on her, I sneaked out of the wooden shed and took out my wooden club. She stood up as I got to her; I bonked her on the head with my club causing her to collapse to the ground. There was no blood or anything coming from her head, at least there was no pool of blood.
You used the word "I" too many times. The sentence, ""
Twelve, thirteen...fourteen bucks" I heard her count" should just be "
"Twelve, thirteen...fourteen bucks," she said". In the sentence where you describe her, you use the word blouse twice. I would just say, "
She was only nineteen from the look of it, wearing a white blouse with the sleeves rolled up and a blue skirt that fell to her ankles. A straw hair was poking out from a tight black bun." Also, you use the word "wooden" twice in the sentence with the club. Find a different word to describe the shed.
I would also recommend varying up the sentence length. These are all in the medium to high range. Try breaking up one or two of the longer ones and it'll really help the flow.
The last big piece of advice I have is including small details. You remember the kid's story, "Hansel and Gretel"? If you ever have kids, you'll probably tell that too them, and early on you'll include the part about the bread crumbs. Hansel makes a bread crumb trail for the kids to follow back, so they won't get lost. This little detail is included in every variation, translation, and adaptation of the story. It isn't plot significant; the crumbs get eaten by birds. But, this insignificant detail about bread crumbs makes the story vivid.
Include insignificant details. The slivers on the club's handle, already prickling his hands. The flower-shaped print of blood on the wall left by a shotgun blast, flecked with bits of bone and cartilage.
I stared at her for a minute, noticing she was quite attractive, I began to think of all the ways to get revenge on this girl, envisioning all the praise I will get for capturing her, I snapped back into reality. I picked her up, grabbing her arms then pulling her up before putting my arms under her arms and put her over my shoulder and kissed by silver canary pendent, then began to walk out of this place.
Again, vary up sentence length, and try not to start every sentence with "I".
Also, I would consider describing her as, "attractive" as a violation of the age old rule, show don't tell. How is she attractive? Is she hot in lithe, graceful, late 20's way? Is she a Marilyn Monroe type, with luscious blonde locks and soft, supple curves in all the right places? Or is she closer to Kate Upton, built like a refrigerator with great breast implants? Attractive can mean anything. It can mean she has a six pack, or it can mean she has a huge ass.
Lastly, you use the word "arms" too many times.
She didn’t wake up on my walk back to my remaining friends at our camp, were we talked about our crimes and counted our spoils. Well, at least my friends, I was always told to do some field work and cook for them and put on watch while they got drunk and used their spoils. I was always given the leftovers. After another minute of walking I was at our base…and they just stared at me. The silence was broken by my boss-Luzara. “Are you freaking slowed?” He said in a tone that told me I had done something wrong. This surprised me, as I have finally did something useful I would of thought.
Same advise I've given you so far.
“What boss?” I asked ,putting the girl down gently a confused look on my face.
You don't need to say you had a confused look. The audience already knows you're confused, considering that you said, "What?".
“I told you to kill her!” My boss yelled before noticing the three others that came with where not here.
“Where are the others?” He asked, I could tell he was very angry, his hands clenched in fist.
Don't tell me that he's angry. Just say that his hands were clenched into fists and cut out the other part of the sentence.
“Dead” I said not even a second after he asked. He walked up to me, a scowl on his face, his black hair unkempt and a beard freely growing on his face. He punched me in the face then grabbed my throat screaming.
I like the description, but I would describe him earlier on. It feels weird to describe when we've already just met him.
“You are freaking slowed!” as he held my throat tightly. I began to try and struggle out, but his grip was too strong. The other three just laughed and watched as he abused me. One of them walked up to the girl and poked her with his toe. She stirred.
“Hey boss, what are we going to with this one?” He asked, my boss didn't even turn his head.
“Whatever you want to do, just kill her afterwards” He said which brought a smile to his face. He kneeled down and brought his face close to the girl’s cheek. A second later a knife went through his head; I had no doubt that he was died; no one can survive being stabbed in the brain. Right? The others turned and went to grab their weapons, but not before the girl quickly grabbed the dead man’s pistol and fired, killing all three of them before they could even draw their weapons. My boss let me go, throwing me to the ground and reached for his pistol. A pistol shot was heard….my boss was died before he could even draw his pistol, a shot straight to the forehead. The girl walked up to me, and pointed her newly acquired pistol at my head. End of Joca narration.
Vary up sentence length and describe more.
