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What happens when space marines play the role of Judge and Executioner.  [RSS] Share on facebook Share on Twitter Submit to Reddit
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Made in au
Been Around the Block




Brisbane, Queensland

“Purge the criminal, slaughter the rapist!” Came an ear piercing shout as the doors of the center were kicked down, sending dust and debris around the shining halls. The many innocent citizens simply looked up in surprise before letting out the breath and returning to their business. Those who had traded away their innocence were now left either sprinting away in terror or falling to their knees and repenting for their sins. Many laid their hands over their ears as the sounds of every possible exit began to screech shut behind impenetrable iron doors. Maintenance was not very important on the doorways, as they rarely showed themselves, and brown stains adorned the various claw marks on their surface. As soon as every exit was sealed off the squad began marching in clad in their amethyst power armor and wielding viscous looking chainswords that appeared to have been used quite recently; It must have been a busy day. Immediately they began to spread out into the usual formation, their heads dragging over the room as they picked their targets out from the crowd. It's an unsung law in the under-city of Nazzerdus that the guilty plead while the innocent allow them to be punished. This law was best followed now, as those who were innocent marched towards the wall and simply waited for the judgment to commence. A heavy black figure stepped out from the tightly-knit wall of soldiers and stood before them. He faced the crowed as he opened his book. The pages were wrinkled and worn from use . “Citizens of the Imperium of man, and inhabitants of Erge. Those of you who have done wrong to your fellow citizen, those who protect you, or he who watches over you will face justice today.” He spoke aloud, his face hidden by the edifice of a threatening white skull. Silence filled the room of the complex as the book was quietly shut and placed inside a small white bag hanging from the chaplain's belt. “Let judgment begin.” he sentenced.

The silence was shattered as the chaplain pointed to a man cowering against the far right wall behind a small stack of wooden boxes. An array of sensors Inside the chaplain's helmet began to read the man's facial features. “Nicolas Gantois!” The chaplain's voice boomed and echoed in the large enviornment. “You have been sentenced to death for the heinous crimes of rape and blasphemy!”
Nicholas began to panic, his body noticeably shaking and he crawled out and begged for forgiveness. “No, It was not me!” He begged. “Have mercy!” The chaplain looked back to the sentence on his display. 'Nicolas Gantois. Age: 34.' It read, listing off his crimes. 'Judgment Absolute.' Was his orders. The sounds of the chaplain's steps echoed across the room as he approached the man. “There is no Mercy for scum like you.” The Chaplain muttered before taking the blade hanging on his hip into his hand and raising it high. Nicolas managed to sputter one last beg before his head was lopped clean from his body and sent rolling across the floor, leaving a trail of crimson blood. The marines, except for the one blocking the doorway, took this as a sign to begin their work and began to move about the room, lopping away the limbs and heads of those who deserved their punishment. “Please relax and remain stationary as judgement is completed. Be ready to provide citizen identification if asked.” Came an automated voice over the loudspeaker intercoms, though it could hardly be heard over the roaring of chainswords.

A mere five minutes passed before the marines bowed their heads and vacated the premise, leaving a trail of blood dripping from the well-kept blades of their weapons. A trail of slow-moving servitors filed in after the marines as the doors began to open once again and began to tend to the dozen or so people who had been punished. Life continued once more, and a young woman returned to the counter she had been at to purchase some fruit, but found the salesman dripping from the wall.

--
C&C appreciated!
   
Made in gb
Is 'Eavy Metal Calling?





UK

Some neat ideas here, I do like to see this less military/more political view of the Space Marines. But you asked for C&C, so here goes. Nor of this is meant to be harsh, just critiquing the work.

1) I really think it could do with being longer. If you take a little more time to set up what's coming, and maybe expand on the ending, you'll be able to build up some more tension and character before the incident, and maybe add more poignancy to your final lines.

2) I think you need to pick a Point of View that you carry through the whole scene, this will allow you to build character and make the whole thing more personal. You could have the scene from a Marine PoV, showing their detachment and conversely hinting at their underlying repressed humanity. However, I think the best here would be to take the character used in your last line and make her the observer. She can be impartial or have a bias (maybe she knew the victim, or knew the accused was not guilty), but with the normality of her opening buying fruit and the return to that at the end you can create a powerful theme through the story: either that our goes on despite the tragedy, or that the actions of the SM have unwittingly destabilised a whole community (I like this idea; if the grocer also grew the fruit, the SM could be inadvertantly starving the whole village. Grimdark to the extreme)

Hope that gives you some ideas, I think there's real potential for a story here.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/10/03 09:48:54


 
   
 
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