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Hello Dakka, Nothing like a public forum as a place to learn a new skill right?

Here's the thing, I've got an over active imagination, and I think I have a reasonably good ability to tell a story, however, I really don't know if my writing style is any good, or if I even have one.

So, all of my gaming groups battles take place on the same planet, and I wanted to tie all the events together in a coherent narrative, and thought here might be a good place to do it. The factions involved in the planet are:

The Imperium (as always, and that's me)
Orks
Traitor guard
and Necrons

So, I'll be writing the story from the view of my forces point of view, and I was wondering whether you guys would be willing to give me some C&C as I go, and hopefully enjoy it too.

I'd give you some tips, and I have a bit more free time than I'd care to admit, so I for one would be interested in reading this. Plus I don't really see goo much about crons ever (only BL book I've read featuring them was Caves of Ice, by Sandy Mitchell)

Presenting my guard commander!

First bit of writing I've ever put up for criticism, but I can take it, I swear!


Lord Commander Bale admired the glow, and slight hum of the energy field around his sword. He pulled it out of the motionless ork at his feet, kicking it, just to be sure. It was certainly not the first ork he'd killed, but how he wished it would be his last. This is was supposed to be it, it was all supposed to be over. In the end it turned out to be some kind of sick joke on the part of his superiors, his retirement as planetary governor of what he believed was a peaceful agri-world was not to be. The contingent of guard he brought with him was not enough, it wasn't long before they, and the defence force he could muster were overrun. Settlements were falling hundreds at a time- support had been requested and was arriving in the form of the 62nd shock battalion of the Death Korps. That was how he knew his world was a lost cause. You don’t send in the Death Korps for a quiet tidy up operation, this was going to be brutal, and would there would be no planet left for him to govern.

He allowed himself a naïve thought for a moment, ‘this seems to be the last one.’ He gestured to the husk of a once great warrior at his feet. His bannerman gave a nervous smile back to him, he knew as well as Bale did, there was no such thing as the ‘last one’ when it came to orks. They would be back. It had been a long time since he had experienced front-line combat, not a thought he particularly relished, but things we desperate, and the city they were holding was one of the few that resisted the Waagh to any respectable level. He resented his success, if he wasn't a good commander, he’d be dead, or allowed to retire, as it stood, he was too useful, and would continue to be useful until he had killed his very last ork.

He turned to his advisers. ‘If we are going to live through this, we need a plan.’ A hesitant, yet respectful nod was given from the retinue that surrounded him and with a dour silence, they returned to their barracks, the order was given and the guardsmen began to fall out. It wouldn't be long until they had to look to the defences once again. As he turned to leave, Bale shot his kill through the head.

‘You can never be too careful with an ork.’ He murmured.

I like this a lot, I never thought about commanders retiring to become governors, in fact, the only person I recall ever trying to retire was Ciaphis Cain, although we all know how well that went

Thanks man, reading it back, there's a few things I'd like to change, but it's mostly phrasing and grammatical things, I'm in the midsts of writing up a similar introductory piece for my inquisitor, I'll hopefully post that up soon

Can't wait for it, another thing I found interesting with this was his name was Lord Commander Bale, which reminds me of Lord Bale from DoW

That wasn't deliberate, been a long time since I played through the first dawn of war campaigns, although my next bit of fluff does have a DoW reference in it.

As the Death Korps officer left the quarters on his cruiser, Inquisitor Alvus breathed a sigh of relief. He really hated working with them, by no stretch of the imagination were they useless, but Alvus preferred a scalpel like approach rather than the sledge hammer the death korps provided. He recalled his experiences working with the deathwatch. How he missed that, the grace with which they slew their enemies was something to behold, he had requested their presence on his campaign, but his voice as a young inquisitor was not his greatest asset. That was evident in the fact he was dealing with orks. Alvus had a long held belief that his talents were wasted fighting orks. Their predictability and lack of finesse bored him. Application of resources was how you beat the ork, it was a numbers game, not a dance, which he relished.

He almost admired the eldar he had encountered in his first campaign as a fully fledged inquisitor of the ordo xenos, 'A challenge worthy of my skill' he mused, as he turned to look at the intricate warlock helmet mounted on his wall. He traced his finger over the bolt pistol hole in the helmet. Perhaps some surprises awaited him on the emperor forsaken rock he was headed to.

There was a knock on his chamber door. Alvus placed the helmet back on his mount, 'Enter.'
his savant entered the room. 'My lord, I'm told we are to re-enter realspace on the hour, approximately 0.6 AUs from Maris.'
'Thank you Vars, you may go.' Vars nodded, and turned to leave.
'Wait, Vars, I need your opinion. Bring up a tactical display of the planet.'
'Yes my lord.'
The holo-display flickered on. 'Since our last discussion my lord, the situation has become dire. The guard forces are on full retreat to Maris prime.'
'I am aware Vars, I have been reading the reports. I need to decide where we will set down. The fighting is far too fierce for us to land in direct support of the guard forces at the capital, has your analysis shown any viable alternatives?'
'Might I recommend this space-port sir?' Vars brought it up on the display. 'It is in a region mostly controlled by imperial forces.' After Vars ran through more specifics Alvus was content it was a sound strategy.
'Thank you Vars, I believe I need to relay this information to the commander of our, honoured guests.' Alvus lamented at the thought of trying to persuade the death korps of any strategy other than the most direct.

As he left the room, a wry smile came across Vars' twisted face.