Norn Queen
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I wrote a series of short stories a few years back whilst in the firm grip of World of Warcraft, an online MMORPG. I based it off the old Flintlocke comic series which some of you might recall - they were basically about an incompeetant dwarf who goes adventuring through Azeroth usually with comical results.
My first WoW character was a Dwarf Hunter so I thought the theme fit well.
It will definitely help if you're familiar with Warcraft but hopefully its just a good read nonetheless.
I'll add the other parts once automerge comes off cooldown.
Enjoy.
Part 1 – The Hunt.
"Bloody great big Crocodile doin' a runner on me, eh?!”
“Well if I ever run into that sorry eejit again I'm gonna skin em and make a nice pair of shoes outta him”.
“Not feedin' him enough', pfff, who does he think he is?".
Ratius wasn't sure how he had ended up in Winterspring. The last thing he remembered was staring down the top of the busty night elf bartender in Darnassus tavern and then a vague recollection of a fist in his face.
Anyway his head hurt and his mouth tasted like the wrong end of a goat, though he wasn't sure goats had a right end.
At least it was cold in Winterspring which helped get the blood flowing.
Hungover and now pet-less, he got to his feet and grabbed his back-back which contained a half eaten cheeseburger, a sausage roll and a bottle of vodka.
"Well at least there's plenty of ice for the vodka" he grinned.
"Nice bow you got there? from Molten Core?".
"YOU WHAT?, bow? BOW?!".
"Erm yes".
"This 'ere is a gun ya poncy Human!".
"It looks like Strikers Mark to me Sir".
In due course the conversational Human woke-up face down in a dark patch of yellow snow.
"Bloody arrogance".
Now where was he?
"That's right! I need a new great big pet since that soddin' grumpy Croc did a runner on me.
A hunter is nothin' without a trusty pet by his side".
Scouring the countryside Ratius couldn't see much through the snowstorm that was gradually building. However there seemed to be a large shape on a hillside which looked vaguely animal-esque.
"Righto, tis pet time" and off he trudged.
To be honest Ratius hadn't gone pet hunting since his mid twenties and that seemed like a loooong time ago. He recalled though that it had taken a ten man raid group to help him capture Komodius, his old Croc, as he insisted taming him naked to prove “how 'ard he was”. Eejit priests complaining about mana and aggro.
Ratius was nearly upon the potential pet.
"Ok, softly, softly" he thought as he approached it.
"BANZAI ya big eejit!!".
The Owlkin turned around with a look of horror on its face to see a half naked Dwarf running at it full pace, wielding what looked like a bow in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other.
It promptly began spamming moonfire.
"Ouch! quit that soddin' moonfire you dafty and come to Ratty".
Ratius began casting tame pet.
Ten minutes later he was feeling light headed from the moonfire and realised his health was strangely low.
"What in the hells goin' on?!".
Taking a quick check to make sure this beast wasn't elite he continued to cast tame pet.
"Oi friend! What are you doing?".
"What's it look like ya feckin' eejit? Taming a pet".
"Ermm friend that's an owlkin, class Humanoid".
"Class what? get outta 'ere you fool!".
"You cant tame it friend, its not a beast!".
Some dim light flickered in Ratius' brain as he recalled trying to tame a large Orc warrior in the Barrens with similar results.
"Bah, dam Humanoids" grumbled Ratius as he wing-clipped the owlkin, spun and one shotted the thing dead.
"Better look next time friend".
Victim number two awoke around 2pm.
After downing some more vodka and eating the cold cheeseburger Ratius made his way to the top of the hill for a better look around.
The snowstorm had cleared and the sun was out although the heat from its rays was minimal.
Ratius was used to the glare of the bleached snow having grown up in Dun Morogh and surveying the scene he had to admit Winterspring was sort of pleasant, although not as pleasant as Dun Morogh.
Having seen nothing promising so far he was about to return to Everlook and the warmth (and potential for busty bartenders) of the inn when he spotted what had to be the largest rear end he had ever seen.
"Holy moly! wudcha look at the size of that thing?!”.
“Its gotta be a monster! Woohoo new pet here I come".
As Ratius got closer even his minimalist skill at hunting told him this creature was an Ursus Marinus as those eejit Mages called 'em.
"A Polar Bear!".
"Nice one" thought Ratius, "I can be like the guy in the movies where he sends his Bear to attack that smelly Tauren”.
“Hell I might even get a role in a the next film for Burning Crusade".
Ratius' day seemed to be getting better.
Ratius was never very good at being quiet let alone sneaking and the Polar Bear heard him about twenty yards away as the cheeseburger worked its way out of his system.
It wasn't sure what to make of the half naked Dwarf with a grin on its face approaching him but had a gut feeling it wasn't a threat.
Ratius decided to air on the side of caution this time and laid down a freezing trap just in case.
The Bear could smell the cheeseburger off Ratius and relaxed a little more. The potential for a feed was always welcome to this oversized trash-can.
"Ok me old flower, lets be partners" exclaimed Ratius as he began casting tame pet.
The Bear wasn't sure he liked the feeling passing over its body and instinct told it to charge.
"Aw no, not again.....”.
Ratius took several blows to the face from the big bear but began to realise this beast had eaten one too many owlkin and had more flab than muscle.
No matter thought Ratius, his diet of vodka and chicken curry would soon beef it up.
After about a minute of sloppy blows from the bear to Ratius' face and much belching from the latter, Ratius had himself a new pet.
"Woohoo! Welcome to Clan Ratius Mr. Bear" shouted Ratius. Feeling strangely happy the Bear let out a huge belch and shook its head approvingly.
"That's the spirit kiddo”.
"Now we needs a name for you, let me see.....".
Ratius thought hard, which didn't happen often and after about fifteen minutes exclaimed loudly "Bearius!".
Bearius didn't seem to notice as he had found the sausage roll in Ratius' bag and scoffed it down in one.
"Ooooo you got a new pet there? Gratz!”.
"Sod off ya dafty”.
"No need to be rude sir" said the gnome.
Ratius and Bearius took one look at each other and smirked.
Victim number three awoke around 6pm, although the snow was not yellow this time.....it was brown.
Part 2 – Never help Lowbies.
"Gimme back that bleedin' pizza ya oversized bucket of lard!”.
“I bloody well bought it!".
Despite the sense of injustice that he had paid for the pizza whilst Bearius had merely indicated which one he wanted by belching at him, Ratius was getting tired of trying to pry the thirty-two inch from his jaws. The final straw came when Bearius pawed him to the ground with a cheeky left swipe and proceeded to sit on the remainder of the pizza.
"Soddin' fleebag, ya can keep it now" muttered Ratius as Bearius grinned on innocently.
The trip back from Winterspring had been long and tedious, far too much clinging onto the back of those grumpy Griffons and not enough riding fast on the back of Ramius (his mount) for Ratius's liking. Added to that, his attempts to train up Bearius and get him vaguely combat ready had failed unequivocally, as Bearius had his own unique training methods that involved going fifteen rounds with a soft pillow and then another fifteen with the local meat vendor.
Arriving back in Menethil was a welcome relief to Ratius as the abundance of dafty Night Elfs in Kalimdor unsettled him, apart from the females, who simply unsettled his pants.
"See Ramius, if we is going to go questing and pwning ugly Tauren, Bearius has gotta get combat ready".
Ramius nodded over approvingly whilst giving Bearius a haughty sideways look.
Bearius snarled menacingly at Ramius who simply trotted forward pretending not to notice.
"Alright gang, lets head to Ironforge, there are quests there and more importantly since I'm level sixty now: quests equal gold, which in turn....".
Bearius belched loudly as Ramius clawed his hoofs into the dirt.
"Yea, yea, gold allows us to buy pizzas and new hoof spurs, I know, I know".
Ramius bellowed loudly.
"Spurs with red trim.....".
Ramius nodded and trotted on contently.
"Right, so we can take the eejit Griffon or ride on up through Menethil?".
Before he could finish the sentence Bearius had trotted off and Ramius had scooped him up by the horns and tossed him into the saddle.
"Good call lads, them Griffons give me an arse rash".
The Wetlands seemed busier then usual with many lowbies running around, which really irritated Ramius, as he had to avoid mowing them down under his hoofs. The Dun Morogh Guards had threatened him with loss of his stable if it continued.
However it didn't stop him running over the odd Gnome when it was dark and quiet outside of Gnomeregan.
"Ah I remember battling them Dark Iron Dwarfs back in the day, little daftys, they always teamed up on ya and tried to give ya a good spanking".
Neither Ramius or Bearius responded as Bearius had wandered off towards what looked like a pie vendor and Ramius had spied a small Gnome heading straight for him.
"Eh Ramius take a left 'ere mate, I wanna check up on me old buddies fighting them dam Dark Dwarfs".
Ratius could never understand why "his buddies" would never come for a pint or a curry with him but he figured anyone pointing a musket at a Dark Iron Dwarf for the last thirty five levels had to be a sound bloke.
"What's the craic lads?!, them Dark Irons still here eh?!".
The NPCs (non player characters) surrounding the dark iron camp continued shooting wildly as Ramius shook his head.
"Me and the lads are headin' to Ironforge, you guys wanna come and have a few vodkas with us?".
Ramius gave up and trotted off towards the bridge.
"Ah I can see you're busy lads, another time maybe, by the way check out me Gun, watch this".
Ratius took careful aim, which when he wanted to, could be highly lethal and blew away the nearest Dark Iron Dwarf.
"Like that eh?" Ratius winked.
"Ramius, Bearius, the lads are busy, we move!".
"Hi, halp meh 2kill big dark dorf 4 quest lootz?".
"You what, you little eejit?".
"Halp meh plx kkthx".
"Haha, Bearius check it out, a Gnome and he wants our help".
Ramius's nostrils flared and he glared at the Gnome who seemed oblivious.
Ratius noticed movement over his left shoulder and from behind some bushes emerged a Human Paladin, a Night Elf female Druid and a Human Mage.
"He seems to have great gear and he's a ??? level" whispered the Mage.
"Yes he might be the ONE to help us" said the Druid who at this point was being seriously checked out by Ratius.
Ramius shook his head and prepared himself for the inevitable.
"How yooooooooooooooooooooooou doin'?" smoozed Ratius as he sidled up to the Druid.
"I'm good thank you, may we ask your assistance?".
"No they cant but you sure can" said Ratius winking.
The Paladin stepped forward chest bulging gripping his hammer tightly and loudly proclaimed "We need to kill Balgaras the evil Dark Iron Dwarf down on that plateau".
"There's four of yas, ya eejits and one of him, go give em a good hidin'".
"He's an elite mob, and he has several bodyguards" said the Mage visibly shaking.
"So? I solo'd him myself back in the day".
The Mage gasped and even the stout Pally raised an eyebrow.
Ramius however did not, being well aware Ratius was level forty five at the time.
"Then he is the ONE. We must move quickly, come" said the Paladin.
"Gifv muni plx" said the Gnome staring at Ratius expectantly, as Bearius rummaged through his backpack.
With the Paladin leading and the Mage taking up the rear the group set off.
Ratius had drifted off into a daydream which involved a large a bottle of vodka, a warm fire and the Night Elf Druid.
"Alright there he is" said the Pally polishing his hammer.
"Good lord, there must be at least ten of them" whined the Mage, "how are we going to handle this?!".
"Free 4 all lootz plx" said the Gnome who was busy combing through Bearius's coat.
"Oi! stay outta his coat gnome! That's where I store me gold, ya little fecker".
Ratius caught the Druid checking out his Gun and couldn't help himself, "Wanna handle it love?".
"Its a very nice Bow, sir".
Ratius nearly fainted but managed to regain his composure, "take another look love, a close one".
"Yes a finely crafted Bow".
If the Druid had have been male she would have awoken face down (well you know the rest).
"I will tank Balgaras, with our Druid friend here healing me, Mr Mage you must sheep one bodyguard and kite another”.
Mr Dwarf we need you and your Bear to take out runners and off-tank, whilst the Gnome tries to sap one, everyone clear on that?".
"I'll just one shot the dafty" growled Ratius and Bearius can take the rest of em, we're in a rush".
"Please, sir, we need a good battle plan for this, my plan is best".
"To hell with that ya bubble-boy".
"Bubble-what? you ignorant little Dwarf, who do you think you're speaking to?".
"Maybe the Hunter should tank Belgaras and kill him?" said the Mage who seemed to be getting further and further from the group.
"Well I cant keep you both healed" said the Druid, "I'm feral spec".
Before Ratius and the Paladin had time to properly square off a huge roar went up from Belgaras' camp.
All four of them turned simultaneously to see the Gnome attempting to pickpocket Belgaras with Bearius in toe rummaging through the camp chests.
"Oh good Lord, we're doomed", screamed the Mage, "he'll aggro everything!" and turned to flee.
Unfortunately he didn't see the tree in front of him and blinked right into it.
"Dafty" said Ratius.
The Paladin had began to sprint towards the camp with the Druid shape shifting like crazy behind him.
"Oi come back here ya eejits!".
The Mage awoke a few moments later and surveyed the scene.
"Good Lord, the Bear, hes engaged with the whole camp!”.
"Time for a rumble lads!!!" roared Ratius as he turned on aspect of the pack and ran full sprint towards the camp.
"Belgaras, You are mine!" bellowed the Pally charging headlong into the melee.
The Druid wasn't able to do much having found herself now stuck in aquatic form and lay convulsing on the ground, drooling heavily.
The Paladin at this stage was engaged in combat with Balgaras and much to Ratius' surprise seemed to be holding his own. Bearius was surrounded by about twenty different enemies but Ratius could make out a sly smirk on his face as he pawed and bit his way through them.
Ratius turned to see the Paladin aggro another mob and bellowed "Watch out there ya feckin eejit!, you ain't Bronzebeard ya know!".
"Oi Mage, sheep that mob for him quick!....Mage, oi Mage?!".
Ratius turned to see a small spot in the distance getting even smaller and loaded up an aimed shot.
The Paladins extra enemy dropped dead, however the Paladins health was dropping rapidly.
"I cant hold this foul beast! He's too strong for me, may the holy light of Stormwind bless me!".
"Quit moanin', ya dafty", shouted Ratius as he ran straight for Balgaras.
"There's only one thing I can do now", roared the Paladin.
Before Ratius could utter another word, the Paladin had cast his protective bubble and hearth stoned out.
"Ah by Jaysus, another bleedin bubble boy!".
Ratius checked around for the Druid and just caught sight of her shifting to cat form and skulking off over a hill..
"To hell with this Bearius, lets finish it", shouted Ratius, turning on rapid fire and unleashing a barrage of shots.
"Well a worse group I have never met", lamented Ratius, "last time I try and help lowbie newbs".
Ramius had returned and shook his head at the scene, not even wanting to contemplate what had gone on there.
"Well lads, sod this, lets get onto Ironforge shall we? I really feel like a couple of icy vodkas and a pizza".
Bearius let out an almighty belch and nodded furiously as Ramius looked on in disgust.
"Oi Bearius lemme check our gold supply".
Ratius began rummaging through Bearius's coat.
"Holy moly, where did ya get all this extra loot? There's an extra ten gold in here and a tonne of gear!".
Bearius simply smirked.
"Pizzas on you this time Bearius" said Ratius as they set off towards Dun Morogh.
All that remained at the camp was a small Gnome with a very confused look on his face and a considerably lighter knapsack.
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Norn Queen
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Part 3 – Back Home.
"Outta me way ya little eejits, we're home lads!".
Ramius couldnt believe his luck, six gnomes trampled under-hoof as he, Ratius and Bearius blazed past the looming stone guardian at the gates of Ironforge.
"Ramius left!, take a left ya dafty, the Inns that-a-way!!!", belowed Ratius, as he clung to Ramius' mane with one hand, whilst trying to open his gold pouch with the other.
"RAMIUS!".
Ramius wasn't amused at being bellowed at, especially when gnome number seven was in plain sight but he obeyed Ratius' order and took a sharp left, slowing to a confident trot and stopping at the Ironforge Inn.
Several drunken onlookers could have sworn they saw an overexcited dwarf dismount and enter the inn but the movement had been so fast they dismissed it as having had one drink too many.
The Bartender wasn't sure what exactly had thrown him clear across the room recalling only "Three pints of vodka, the biggest bleedin' pizza ya've got and a sack of pistachio nuts for that big lump outside!".
Ratius grabbed the first pint, instantly downing it in one and letting out a gut rumbling belch. The two Night Elf females turned away in disgust as he threw a cheeky wink at them and grabbed his second pint.
"C'mon Bearius lets get us a seat, me arse has turned to jelly from sitting on that eejit outside".
"Bearius?"
Ratius just caught sight of a giant white behind loping towards the kitchen door.
"Daft beast" muttered Ratius and plonked himself into the nearest seat. Well nearest being the one with the best view of the Night Elves.
"Ah this is the life" said Ratius as he put his feet up on the table.
"Anything else sir?", asked the barman, observing that Ratius' second pint was close to empty.
"Yeah a packet of potato munch and another vodka. Put this one on the tab".
"Um sir, you.....don't have a tab, at least not one that is valid within this Continent".
Ratius had always contemplated moving to Darnassus to drink there, no dafty Elf would dare ask him to settle his tab but he felt a sort of loyalty to his fellow kin on these matters. Not to mention the added incentive of twenty Ironforge Guards chasing him through Dun Morogh.
"Well let me see" said Ratius as he rummaged through his gold pouch, which was brimming. All he needed was time here.....
"Ah Bearius! there ya are, ya smelly lump of fur, come and join old Ratty".
Bearius was sauntering towards the table with a huge pizza dangling from his mouth and what looked like a cooks apron trailing from one paw.
The barman turned ashen white and massaged his leg feeling an unnatural lump there. "Um, we, er, well, we can settle this later of course, enjoy your meal".
He leaped towards the bar as Bearius got into pawing range but Bearius barely noticed him as he chewed on the pizza furiously.
"Dont forget me potato munch" Ratius called after him.
Ramius had gotten frustrated watching the Ironforge Gnomes file by, not being able to kick one due to the presence of the Guards and had sauntered into the bar.
The Barman glared and was about to head towards Ramius but unfortunately for him Bearius had cast a nonchalant eye in the direction of the bar, and thinking he was in for another mauling, he ducked out of sight.
"So lads how are we all?!".
Bearius nodded and even Ramius gave an approving snort, it was good to be back in Dun Morogh, the rank odour of Ironforge filling their nostrils.
"Well lads since Bearius seems battle ready, its time for us to go lootin' stuff again".
Bearius finished the last of his pizza and started into Ramius' pistachio nuts, which drew an indignant snort from Ramius and a hoof into Bearius' gut.
Ramius could feel the fatty layers there and rolled his eyes, absolutely bemused at what exactly Ratius' definition of “battle ready was”.
"Right lads I been thinkin', we've always been our own Crew and worked alone, but I think sometimes we could do with a little 'elp, know what I mean?".
Bearius and Ramius caught each others looks, both recalling the "One Dwarf and two Beast raid to Upper Black Rock Spire”.
The fact that they had taken a severe hiding and just about made it out, was compounded by the fact that Ratius admitted later he actually had no key and thought he could blow a hole in the door with some pinkish coloured explosive he had "acquired" from a stealthy Gnome.
Ratius caught their looks and muttered "Bloody lying little Gnome".
"Anyways lads that's not to say we need help, just that we can get more Loot with a bigger group. And when they set up camp for the night we'll fleece em dry and do a runner".
"So, lets start thinkin' about some 'elp eh?".
Ratius downed his third pint and got up to go to the Rest Room.
This sort of planning was going to take some serious refreshment.
"Bearius.....Go get me another pint, me old son" he burped.
Bearius threw a sly wink at the Barman who promptly fainted and Ramius carefully eyed up the Gnome who had just entered the bar.
“Ah yes” thought Ratius as he made his way to the toilet, “Its good to be home”.
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