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The Return of Marneus Calgar

== Marneus Calgar's Barmy Army 2017 Christmas Special: Masters of the Wardiverse ==

“A great and terrible evil has come to the 41st Millennium,” Tzeentch said. “A force whose influence is spreading, firing the hearts and minds of humans everywhere. It will undo the fabric of our universe.”

“It is a reboot,” Blackheart groaned. “Well done, Abaddon.”

“Shut it!” Tzeentch snapped. “This force represents a great evil, bringing peace and goodwill. The Realm of Chaos is becalmed. Half of my daemonic legion are watching a family comedy about an ingenious child pursued by bungling burglars. My realm is defenceless.”

“What is this new evil?” Abaddon asked.

“It is called the Christmas Spirit. It must be extinguished. No quarter, no mercy. Untold rewards shall be heaped upon the one who accomplishes this.” He held one hand palm upwards and an image of Guilliman's Finger appeared above it. “Destroy this ship at all costs. Then take your fight to the source of its corruption – the Ultramarine home world, Macragge.”

- They're back and they're weirder than ever! Join Marneus Calgar and his Barmy Army in their biggest and most offensive adventure to date, as they once again fight for the right to enjoy a merry Christmas. The action ranges from the Tyranid-haunted depths of Macragge to Tzeentch's Impossible Fortress. Destiny has seen fit to make Lord Calgar miss Home Alone 2 once again. Can he rescue his friends from the Eye of Terror in time for Christmas Day? Does he even want to? Grimace at the destruction of your childhood in this insulting parody, loosely based on the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special.

Witness the childish horror

Taken from the upcoming part 4:

“Move!” Dick roared, unloading his bolter on full auto. Nerdingham hiked up his skirt and ran into the manufactorum, Mender dived off the cliff, Chaplain Derrick leapt to attack the Mawloc and the two anonymous battle-brothers blasted down at the shark in defence of the Chapter Master, their plasma bolts creating geysers in the water. The Bio-shark surfaced as it moved, proving far uglier and more disturbing than even the Bug-Monster, its face a leering, distorted mess of eyes and teeth. Calgar screamed like a little girl when he saw it and his arms whirled like Sonic the Hedgehog's legs as he swam for his life. Just as the Bio-shark seemed certain to devour Calgar, Mender bounced off it at 120mph, dazing it and giving Calgar the time he needed to clamber ashore. The Chapter Master went up the cliff nearly as fast as he'd fallen down it, leaving the Apothecary behind.

“Oh, feth!” Mender said when he realised the stupidity of his actions. “Bannerman, help!”

Dick Bannerman was discovering something about Tyranids that hadn't made it into the Codex. As it roared and thrashed, the Mawloc Prime gave vent to its enthusiasm with a thunderstorm of flatulence which pushed away all oxygen. The Ultramarines would have suffocated were it not for their iron lungs, but they still weren't doing well.

“I don't remember this from He-Man and She-Ra!” Dick coughed.

Where can I find this nonsense?

The story can be found here: https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/745725.page

Check this thread for a who's who in the Barmy Army universe: https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/470398.page#9711418

The author of this story takes no responsibility for any neurons which die as a result of reading it.


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