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The Space Emperor has defeated many (x2) powerful enemies such as the Chaos Squats, the Beautiful Half-Eldar Princess Mari-Su and the Vengeful Corpse of JRR Tolkein.  But what happens when a group of fanfic writers start teaming him up with unlikely poorly written characters from other universes?  Let's watch...

 

"Gadzooks!"  Said the Space Emperor as he picked himself off the cold stone floor.  "Where am I?"  He asked as he dusted off his solid gold Emperor-Crafted Power Armor.

"You're standing on my foot bub!"  A rough, manly voice below him.

"Leman Russ!"  The Space Emperor ejaculated loudly!  "You too have been summoned to this queer place out of time and out of mind."

"Leman who?  I ain't no Leman, sounds like an accountant's name, name's Logan but most people call me... WOLVERINE!"  With that the wild wooly mutant from the great white north poped his razor sharp adamantium claws from their bionic housings with a loud SNKT!

"I sense great confusion" said a melodic female voice with a pair of melon-like breasts. 

"Who?"  Ejaculated the Space Emperor loudly.

"Deanna Troi from the Star Ship Enerprise.  I remember her from that crossover we did back in 96."  (It's true!  see http://www.mutanthigh.com/alternatex/trek/xmennextgen1.html)  "Yup, I remember those... uh, face"  he added, not looking at her face.

"I sense great friendship" agreed Deanna.

"Hail comrades and companions!  I am Legolas of Mirkwood son of  King Thranduil of the royal line of Sindarin Elves."  Two companions fell silent at the sight of the radient beauty and grace of the Elven warrior, but the other one...

"FOUL ELDAR SCUM STAND THERE WHILST I CREATE AN ANTIMATTER TSUNAMI TO DESTROYEST THOU!"  The Space Emperor ejaculated even more loudly than usual.

"Hold mighty Space Emperor!  Legolas is not your enemy!"  Said a mysterious new voice from a mysterious man in a mysterious black cloak.

"And who are you bub?"  Ask Wolverene.

"I am he who summoned you here to confront a great enemy who even now saps your power and drains energy throughout the multiverse to himself.  BEHOLD!"

The mysterious stranger gestured mysteriously and an image appeared of a young boy with classes studying a magical book.

"Tim Hunter!  I never trusted that little Vertigo sneak everyone knows Vertigo characters are perverts and drugies..." Wolverine began to say.

"Nay friend Wolverine, though I can see why you'd be confused, this one's name is Harry Potter and I have summoned you four to destroy him!"

"I sense great evil"  Cousular Troi added.

"And who are you anyway?"  The Space Emperor ejaculated loudly.

"Most people just call me 'you know who' but since you don't you can call me Lord Vortimort!"

 

(Comments - OK the goal here is to make the most unfortunate crossover fanfic possible with current technology.  We already have the Emperor, Wolverine, Deanna Troi and Legolas vs Harry Potter, can it get worse?  We'll see. 

Special rule - troi should never have any dialogue except "I sense great ___" just like in TNG!)

Suddenly, a small white predatory bird appeared in the room. "Look out!" The Space Emperor ejaculated with gusto.

"Lemme at that rassin' frassin' bird!" Logan Russ said with a ferocious, feral snarl.

"I sense great binocular vision in that owl." Counselor Troi added, admiring her ample bodice.

"Kill the foul beast!" Screamed the Dark Lord(But totally good. Trust me.) Vortimort.

Alighting on a chair, the bird starts speaking! "I bear a message from my master, Harry Hunter. Cease your quest, and he will be lenient with you all. The true evil is Vortimort. He fully subscribes to the theory of 'trickle-down' economics, and, as a card-carrying member of the RNC, eats both puppies and the poor."

"Lies, it's all lies, I assure you." Vortimort assured the group, assuaging the parties' concerns instantly.

"O RLY?" The owl retorted. "If I'm lying, then why are you sweating profusely, even in this cold climate?"

"It's a glandular condition, right Dark Lord Vortimort?" The Space Emperor ejaculated hesitantly.

"Ah, yes, a glandular condition." Vortimort replied, smacking his lips after spying a stray dog out the bay window.

Legolas stood in the corner, not sure what to do. After inspecting a smallbit of lint on his tunic, he eventually startedoing jumping jacks. The most graceful jumping jacks ever.

"Ah, well, you have been told. You expect certain death if you continue. Consider this your last warning." And with that, he flew out the window into the opressive gloom.

"Don't believe that flying mousetrap, I assure you there will be no danger, even when venturing to the Palace of Great Danger, or the Swamp of Unbelieveable Peril. In fact, those two paths are your only two choices in your quest. Pick one.

"Let's go to the Swamp!" Snarled Russverine. "I know a couple friends that just might be able to help us.

"Bo and Luke Duke?" Askjaculated The Emperor of Space. "But I thought they were doing 10 to 20 in Huntsville for violation of the Mann Act?"

"Indeed," Logan replied. "But them ain't the Duke Boys I'm talking about."

"Not Coy and Vance!" Whined Legolas. "Why not just get Rogal Dorn and Ensign Steve while you're at it?"

A vision in banana yellow suddenly appeared, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Someone called for the JV team?"

"So it is the Swamp, then! I'm confident Harry Potter's Magic Wand will be mine soon. Yes, his wand will be mine..." Vortimort trailed off, awkwardly.

"I sense great homo-erotic undertones." Counselor Troi whispered, mostly to herself.

The Swamp of Unbelievable Peril was but the first step on a path that would take the Fellowship across the breadth of the world.  Where they end up next, and who they share their adventure with, is up to YOU.

Soon the Space Emperor, Consulor Troi, Wolverine, Legolas, Coy and Vance were all stuffed into the General Lee driving towards the Swamp of Unbelievable Peril. The Space Emperor had used his Emperor Shotgun Call power to call shotgun and sat in the front seat with Coy. Consulor Troi, Wolverine, Legolas and Vance were shoved into the back with Troi on Logan's lap and Legolas on Vance's.

"Well ain't you the purty one with that long blond hair and them pouty lips. I bit flat but you got a butt that's rounder than my cousin Daisy's" said Vance.
"Why yes, yes I am, thank you for asking" replied Legolas gracefully flicking a speck of dust from his tunic.
"Ay see you gots a purty little bow there for shooting them little arrows. Ah gots me a huge honking bow and when my arrows enter... BOOM! They explode!"
"Remarkable" said Legolas, packing more meaning into that one word than ten thousand human poets could add in ten thousand sonets.
"Later on when I gets you alone Ay's gonna show you my bow and my thick arrows."
"I would enjoy that very much."

"I sense great confusion" Counsulor Troi explained.
"Hard to tell with those two" said Wolverine. Figure buggering an elf's gotta be a step up from farm animals.

But this was interuppted as suddenly a Hazard County Sherrif's car started to chase them down this idelic English country lane. Out of nowhere banjo music began.
"I sense great stunts" said Troi.

"It's Rosco and deputy Enos!" Coy yelled. "We gotta lose them, quick where's the nearest bridge that's out?"
"We're in HOT PURSUIT!" Yelled Rosco!
"Fear not" said the Space Emperor, "I have the matter well in hand... or mind." With that enigmatic statement he astrally projected himself into the past and proceeded to kill Sherrif Rosco's ancestors going back three generations just to be sure.
Suddenly Rosco disappeared from the driver's seat and before Enos could grab the wheel the car plowed into a pile of cow manure.
"I spared Enos because his short-lived sitcom brought a small amount of joy to my tortured existance" explained the Space Emperor.

meanwhile back at the Fortress of Unltimate Darkness...
"Bah! Soon Harry Potter will be dead and his long powerful wand shall be mine! My plan is flawless! Soon I alone will rule the Mutltiverse! Lord Vortamort and the Philiosopher's Stone will be the number one book in the UK and Lord Vortamort and the Magic Rock will be the number one book in the US! I am invincible!"
"Your plan?" Asked an even more mysterious figure wearing black armor. He placed an armored hand on Vortamort's shoulder, an armored hand with lightning claws and a stormbolter built in!
"I mean our plan of course partner. our plan."
"Of course."

Soon the Fellowship of Kill Harry Potter arrived at the edge of the Swamp of Unbelievable Peril. The General Lee spun out in a cool way and they all climbed out the windows since the doors are welded shut.
"Well that's it" said Coy.
"Though you were taking us all the way cracker" said Wolverine popping his razor sharp adamantium claws from their bionic housings. "You welshing on our deal?"
"Ay take you all the way" Vance said to Legolas.
"Nope we only got you this far, from here on out he's your guide..."
From the shadows of the swamp stepped a mysterious figure dressed in leather pants, a leather vest and a leather cowl... it was none other than ZARTAN! The evil master of disguise!

Double post

Mr T. considering revealing himself to the fellowship, but decided the cast was already far to star studded. He did not want to be an extra. The the Space Pimp.. I mean emperor was evesdropping on his thoughts however, and with his magic "wand" transported the very pitiful (X2) Mr T. to his presence.

Mr T. had also somehow (x2) picked up a crack baby in transit.

"What the hell fool!" jingled Mr T.

Zartan went off and sulked in a dark (x2.35) corner, grumbling about being ignored.

"I sense a cancer in my breast". Troi dribbled.

"I offer free mamograms" ejaculated doomrider appearing out of nowhere (Nowhere!!!11one!) from a pink mist that reeked of love.

"I have come with a message!" said Doom Rider between beats from his reving engine.

"Ghost Rider!" said Wolverine loudly and quickly though perhaps not loudly and quickly enough to be considered an ejaculation.

"Nay great one, I am not he who rides Ghosts, I am he who rides DOOM!"

The Space Emperor quickly used his powerful Emperor Brain which is even more powerful than a Commodore Vic 20 with a tape drive.  "DOOMRIDER!" He ejaculated loudly! "What are you doing here?"  He demanded imperiously.

"I go where the Gods of Metal send me.  Where ever an angry teen is about to become an EMO cigarette... I am there.  When ever some white trash punk is considers getting into country, you will find me.  Whoever thinks of listening to hip hop and becoming a hip hop fan I shall visit.  for I am DOOM RIDER!  Master of true metal!"

"You suck."  Muttered Wolverine.

"What you say?!"  Ejaculated Doom Rider!  "Have you been talking to those punks on the Bolter and Chainsword?  I don't suck!  I rock!  They were totally gonna put me in the Chaos Codex but like, there was a printing error.  Gav promised I'd be in White Dwarf!  HE PROMISED!"

"Uh, right.  I have no idea what those in jokes mean because I'm a marvel comics character and I only do comic in jokes like, what's that you wearing?  A Liefeld costume?"  Wolverine doubled over laughing at his own joke.  The rest of the cast looked at him awkwardly.

"But seriously Doomy, I mean, heavy metal?  has anyone actually cared about metal since, like 1986?  All those genres you just insulted are a lot more popular than the music of sad aging white guys with comb-over pony tails."

"But... but... Queens of the Stone Age?"

"One hit wonders man.  One hit wonders."

"Muh-metal is cool!  Lots of kids know Metalica..."

"Sad sell outs who sued their own fans.  Major uncool."

With that Doom Rider began to weep openly like a little girl. 

"I sense great sorrow" said Troi.

Meanwhile, ignored by all Zartan, the evil master of disguise started to slink off into the swamp sadly humming the Zartan song.

"He's the evil master of disguise... ZARTAN!

Changes Color right before your eyes... ZARTAN!"

He passed Mr. T who was quickly sinking into the quicksand due to the weight of his gold chains.

By then Troi had succeeded in comforting Doom Rider so that he could deliver his message.

"OK, OK let's get this over with.  I have a prophesy for you so listen up...

The words of Vortamort are lies

He is totally suckering you guys

If you kill Harry Potter

You'll make him a martyr

And one of you will surely dies!"

"Gasp!"  Ejaculated Legolas loudly!  "A rhyming prophesy!  That means it is surely true!"

"huh?"  Said Wolverine.  "First off I'm pretty sure Potter and martyr don't rhyme and 'one of you will surely dies' isn't even proper English and isn't that lymrick?  Do prophesies in limrick form even count?"

"Yes!  yes they do!  Anything that rhymes is true!  Like 'doesn't fit must aquit'!  One of us is going to die!"

"I wonder what that part about Vortamort and lies means..."  said the Space Emperor as he applied his Emperor Brain to the problem which is even more powerful than a Texas Instruments Speak and Spell.  "Probably nothing."  He decided.

"I have spoken and now I must go!  Somewhere a young man is in danger of becoming a Goth and I must save him!"

With that he disappeared in a cloud of pollution and hot guitar riffs.

"COME!"  Ejaculated the Space Emperor.  "We must now go!"

"Hey..."  Said Wolverine, "what happened to that Mr. T guy?  I wonder if his fate foreshadows anything."

The Space Emperor took one step into the swamp...

And instantly sank due to his solid gold armor!

Will the Space Emperor live?

Probably.  But who will save him?

And what of the mysterious Zartan?

Will Doom Rider save us from crappy techno music?

And what of Troi's cancer?

The answer to these and othe questions can only be found in the next exciting episode of the Space Emperor and the Unfortunate Fan Fic Crossover!

The threat of quicksand was a threat indeed to the Gold-plated Emperor of Man, and to his nearby standing companion, Counciler Troi.  Or, it would have been a threat to her, had it not been for her built in floatation devices, each sized at no less than a quintuple E.  "I sense great exageration of my mammery proportions" she said with great empathy, bobbing gently on the surface of the substance that was thick like malt-o-meal, but much (x2) less delicious, and considering that plain malt-o-meal is very (x9) undelicious to begin with, that made it undelicious (x20), unless it was like malt-o-meal with butter and maple syrup, which is delicious (x90).  Then, in a twist of fate reserved for only the really bad, and worst, and terriblest (x2.1) fanfics, Counciler Troi underwent a startling transformation. "It's not a tooma!" s/he declared, then quickly sank out of sight, for s/he had lost her massive flotation aids in the transformation.

"This is not good," the Emperor of All Humanity that was only a little Bad, and not the Humanity that was very bad (x2) like the Bad (x2x2) Space Marines said softly, not ejaculating at all (a very unpleasant proposition when submerged in quicksand. (x2).) "The only way that I could be saved, would be to have a Titan reach down and pluck from this not at all delicious (xMonkeys) predicament.

"I have not only a titan, but the element you are missing which is essential for any fic that is trying to be truly(x?)bad.

"Does your titan have Void Shields?"

"An A.T. Field is like a void shield," the man replied.  His elbows rested on the desktop, his white gloved hands hiding his mouth. The drama meter jumped to 11.

"Does it have a Volcanoe Cannon, with which the smite the foes of humanity?"

The other man thought for a second, the light glinting ominously off of his glasses.  "Asuka Lagley Sohryu is like a Volcanoe Cannon," he said, then paused for effect. "(x2)."

"Then call forth your Titan!" The Emperor ejaculated, getting a moutful of undelicious sand in the process.  "Out of curiosity, what are you doing down here? It's an unusual place to have a desk.

"I am inscrutable and enimgatic," he said in a way that explained nothing

"You don't get out much, do you?  You haven't even moved your hands since I've sunk down here."

The man was silent for a dramtically long time. "Games Workshop super glue might be terrible for models, but it is very effective when applied to peoples," he said portentiously as a humungous (x3) purple hand thrust itself down into the quicksand, plucking the Emperor out.

******

(Meanwhile, back above ground, ignoring the fact that zombies ate their neighbors, and quicksand ate their Emperor)

"No Vance!" Legolas said in extreme exasperation, "I said Aragorn is a _ranger!_ Just a _ranger_! No rumps involved at all!"

The huge Purple Robot put the Space Emperor down on the semi solid ground. He quickly used his Emperor Dry Cleaning power to clean his Solid Gold Armor and Nifty Cape. He looked up at the robot and something odd struck him. It was a flying fish. But he didn't notice that because he was pondering something. the Robot in fact. The rivet-less robot!

"Begorah!" The Space Emperor ejaculated loudly "Thine Robot has no Rivets!"

"Well no EVAs are made from ceramic alloys and don't use rivet-"

"Tis an Space Elf Robot!"
"No" said Legolas gracefully and melodically, "the robots of my people are crafted from the finest hardwoods of the trees of Mirkwood and-"
"Silence Ground Elf! I speak of the Space Elfs!"
"Oh never mind then." Legolas went back to looking gorgous.
"I sense great religious allegory" said Troi.
"HEY!" Said Wolverine, "it's purple! A giant purple robot! Giant purple robots kill mutants! i remember one killed me in Days of Future past! Come on Space Emp, we can take him down, I got two words for you... FASTBALL SPECIAL!"
"Sorry? Come again? I'm more of a cricket man you see..."
So Wolverine explained the concept of the Fastball Special. "Y'see you're the big metal guy and I'm the short bezerker guy. You pick me up and toss me as hard as you can like Aragon tossing a dwarf and I land on it and claw it to death."
"Your absurdly complicated plan appeals to me Leman Russ, I shall execute it forthwith."

And so the Space Emperor tossed Wolverine through the Purple EVA robot. The force of the impact completely destroyed the robot and the Space Emperor was happy. he was even happier when the robot's body fell over and made a nice swamp bridge for them to cross.
The Fellowship of Kill Harry Potter waited around for a while for Wolverine to land.
"Wolverine can in fact survived orbit and reentry can he not?" The Space Emperor asked. Legolas shrugged gracefully.
"Ah well, I'm sure he'll turn up, let us move on."
"I sense great fanboy outrage" said Troi.
With that the Fellowship continued onward into the swamp.

Meanwhile in the mysterious dark fortress...

"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...ha-ha!  the fools should never have attacked the EVA, who will save the Earth from the Angels now?  And besides that blue haired chick is HAWT."

"I dunno, I never watched Evangellion, I was more of a Gatchaman guy."

"it matters not, now no one can stop them from killing Harry Potter and then the two of us will rule the universe!"

Abbaddon and Vortamort joined in an evil laugh.  "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  the Two of us are unbeatable!"

"Two of you?"  Said the mysterious flaming eye that slipped in through the window.  "You mean three of course!"

"Yes of course old friend of course we meant three!"

Meanwhile outside the Borg Queen checked her watch and waited for her cue.

Meanwhile in the soundless vacumn of airless space...

Wolverine: "...!"

Will Wolverine live?

Will Dougie Houser MD join the Fellowship?

Who is the mysterious flaming eyeball?

What threats await them in the swamps?

The only way to find out... is to WRITE the next chapter!!

Through the swampy murky swampy swamp murk shone a light. A light from a lamp, hanging on the porch of a small cabin. "Approach with caution." the Emperor said to his friends, starting forwards, singing his favourite song loudly to make himself brave. The door opened. Out of it stepped....

"Dorn! What are you doing here?"

"Dorn? I do not know a Dorn. My name is Cockknocker."

The companions exchanged disgusted looks. Cockknocker invited them into his cabin for tea. Above the fire hung a sword handle, with no blade, but a big red button in the hilt..........

"Say friend Cockknocker, what is that queer weapon" asked Legolas gracefully.
"I thought you would never ask" Cockknocker said sneering "I thought you would never ask, allow me to demonstrate" he swiftly drew the weapon and unleashed it at Legolas' crotch!
"I don't get it" Legolas said painlessly.
Cockknocker growled with frustration a looked at the Space Emperor's crotch protected by a gold-plated skull. He looked longingly at Troi's camel toe but saw no potential there either. "never mind..."

"DORN!" the Space Emperor ejaculted loudly! And sure enough Rogal Dorn was sitting in the corner with some other queer individuals playing poker.
"SPACE EMPEROR!" Squeeled Rogal Dorn like a girl. he looked left and he looked right unsure if he should run to embrase the Space Emperor or run away from him.
"I thought you were building me an impenitrable Space Castle that is so impentrible the Bad Space Marines can never, ever, ever (x2) break through its walls."
"Huh? Oh yeah, right, I was working real (x2) hard on it so now I'm like taking a break, yeah, it's like 80% done or so."
"Well OK then. As it happens our Fellowship of Kill Harry Potter needs a new member."
"REALLY!" Ejaculated Rogal Dorn loudly. "Oh boy! Let me take off the yellow bannana suit of shame you made me wear and I'll be ready to-"
"Uh, right. Yeah. Actually I can't bring you because, uh, we have a quota and you have to finish your project."
"My what?"
"The unblowupable space castle?"
"Oh right. Yeah. that. 70% done boss, I swear."
"OK then, so introduce me to your poker buddies. Who is this masked man?"

"What are you dense? What are you slowed or something? I'm the goddamn BATMAN!" the Goddamn Batman ejaculated loudly.
"There's no call for that kind of goddamned language Goddamned Batman" the Space Emperor ejaculated gently.
"..." the Goddamned Batman growled under his breath and returned to dreaming of 12 year old aerialists.

Who will be the next to join the Fellowship of Kill Harry Potter?
What about Wolverine, is he still flying through space?
Will anyone else post on this thread?
Only you can answer these questions by writing the next chapter!

With a resounding "THRUNK!" Wolverine re-entered the atmosphere.  Since two of his cells were intact on his adamantium skeleton, he was able to regenerate completely in a second or two and rejoin the group!  Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

"Prithee hold a moments time..."
The Space Emperor looked through his book of "Collective enemies of the Space Emperor Vol I: Everything Not Marines". "For naught in that tome...". Checking Vol II "Marines the Space Emperor Hates" he found a striking resemblance between the goddamn BATMAN to a certain rare breed of Space Marines In Need Of Exterminating.
The Space Emperor raised his power fist and utterly crushed the goddamn BATMAN for being a heretic.
"So ends BATMAN, as so much gore and ruin upon His Power Fist." the Space Emperor exclaimed, looking cool as hell.
"Well done sir!" said Dorn.
"Wasn't BATMAN a good guy?" questioned Wolverine.
"I sense you had conflict with him in the past Wolverine?" asked Diana Troi in that sexy monotone voice of hers.
"Oh yeah. HAHAH, loser.  Me an Gambit took his wallet, stole his car, and got coked up lookin for hooker, er, yeah we fought in the past," said Wolverine, content that he was now the sole dark hero loner in the group, giving him a better chance with Troi.
"I beseech thee, Dorn my comandments take to heart and obey upon pain of DEATH. Back to the unblowupable castle shall we in a fortnight. Ye are no LORD of man and in need of a LORD to rule that incompetent folly that becomes thy thoughts. Upon your failings prior I shall command we AWAY to the unblowupable turrets of our fortress, imperivious to the will of the rebel scum. Lousy rebel scum..." stated The Space Emperor in psychic waves that washed over the entire universe.
*The scene fades around the edges in a circle of darkness, then slowly emerges to the site of a giantic greenish stone castle, it's gate a grim maw of teeth, and two giant towers overshadowing the land*
"I call it 'Castle Green Skull' Your Space Emperorness!" squealed Dorn like a little girl.

********************************************************************

"... I sense where this is going... " said Diana Troi, not even needing her psychic powers to see the direction of the plotline, rolling her sexy, sexy long lashed eyes.
"THIS is the Imperial unblowuppable castle!??!?!?!", screamed the Space Emperor, completely losing his senses and bad Shakespearian English momentarily. "I SUPPOSE now some oily roid monkey (who pales in comparison to MY oily roid monkeys) riding on a big green tiger is going to challenge me to fight, EH BANNANA BOY?"
"Yes, er, NO your Ultimate Space Marine Fanboys Wet Dream Of Burninating Swordness!" squealed Dorn.
"I wouldn't say he's *just* all that to Space Marine Fanboys... Tee hee!" ejaculated Legolas, running his index finger along the Space Emperors massive, huge, bulging Space Emperor shoulder pads gleefully.
Dorn began to stutter, "You see, well, Space Marines aren't good at making unblowuppable stuff so I had to hire subcontract..." when all of a sudden, a figure in robes, black as night, leaped through the sky over their heads!
The figures glowing blade glistened in the moon as cherry blossoms fell and wierd Japanes characters filled the sky for no reason explainable by modern physics or science, even in the year 40,0000+. As he landed gracefully on the ground, everyone attacked him for no real reason at all, except for the Space Emperor, and Dorn who kept saying "Stop, no, wait, it's like, oh darn!".
* Fast forward 3000 choppy, confusing clips of ultra fast fighting, bullet time camera work, anime lighting effects, and the robed figure with the magic sword totally beating the snot out of everyone *
The Space Emperor pondered this. "Oh wait, I get it! You hired Ulthwe to do our Fortress!"
"Not exactly your Space Emperorness..."
The mysterious black figure exclaimed in a voice as loud as a jet engine, as he removed his ornate mask, "WHO THA **** YOU CALLIN A GODDAMN SPACE ELF! I AIN'T NO SPACE ELF!"
"What???" squeaked Dorn like a frightened little girl.
"I'M A MUSHROOM CLOUD LAYING MOTHER ******, MOTHER ******! I'M SUPERFLY TNT, I'M THE GUNS OF THE NAVARONE!"
"What???" squeaked Dorn like a tiny, frightened little girl.
"CORRECTEMUNDO! 'WHAT' IS INDEED THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR! JUST 'WHAT' DO YOU THINK I AM HERE?" bellowed the black figure.
"Uhh. WHAT?" squeaked Dorn like a tiny, frightened, squeaky voiced little girl mouse.
"I AIN'T EVER HEARD OF NO GODDAMN RACE CALLED THE WHAT! DO THEY SPEAK GOTHIC!"
"Uhh, wha...?" the barely audible Dorn said in such a high frequency range as to be unhearable to everyone but the Space Emperor and Wolverine, before being interrupted by the 20000 decible voice, now cracking windows with every word within a miles radius.
"GOTHIC MOTHER *****, DO. THEY. SPEAK. IT."
"Um, excuse me, you're gonna have to stop that now, I believe these quotes are from *my* films and uh, I didn't give you permission to write this utter *crap*, mmmkay!" interjected Quentin Tarantino.
"Er, sorry." said Skyfyre. "CUT!"

*********************************************************************

<SCENE Deleted>* SCENE DELETED *

*********************************************************************

Dorn lay dead on the floor, 1 ear cut off, burned to a crisp, his remains tied to a chair as the black figure stood over him and "Steeler Wheel" played in the background on a cheap AM radio, while someone from the cast, I wonder who, mumbled lowly "Never mess with a Jedi master son..."
The Space Emperor waived his hand and Dorn was restored to his former living state because he wasn't done torturing, degrading, or humiliating him by a long shot.
"So now that we've established that Samuel L. Jackson was indeed the missing element to building the unblowupable castle, I want to focus again on taking down Harry Potter. Now we have a base of operations that could not *possibly* ever be destroyed through *any* means, ESPECIALLY from those rebel scum... Lousy rebel scum... let's focus on how we're gonna take the fight to the enemy", said the Space Emperor in Emperor like fashion while Legolas kept trying to snuggle up to him, singing "Happy birthday, mr. Space Emperor..." in his sweetest, seductive Elfin voice.
Suddenly the Space Emperor became very dour and serious. His face and voice took on the exact likeness of Sean Connery to reflect this huge dramatic change in mood! Sean Conner, er, the Space Emperor (played by Sean Connery) spoke in a deep and echoing voice through the halls of Castle Grey, er, GREENskull with just a *hint* of a Scottish accent.
"There is only one hero ever, in the history of mankind that has ever captivated the hearts and minds of the people like Harry Potter. In the early years of human kind, in a year, over 38,000 years prior to this one, mankind had one champion above all others, one champion who fell, fighting the good fight, in glory and battle so dramatic, all who witnessed it cried tears of sorrow and rage at his passing. We have searched through the boundaries of time and space itself to recover this hero for thousands of years, and finally now, we have brought. Him. Back."
Theme music bellowed through the halls of Castle Grey, er, GREENskull.
"You got the touch! You got the poooooowwweeeeeerrrrr! *dannanana dannananananana* YEAH!", sung Stan Bush in the background.
Wicked cool shards of ultra intense blue light surrounded the Space Sean Connery Emperor as the digitally re-mastered 80s rock theme music blared in THX surround sound.
The Sean Connery Emperor bellowed in his most dramatic Oscar winning voice possible, "Arise...."

"Yes, my Master?" intoned Optimus Vader in a deep baritone. "Yesh, Optimush, I shaid arishe! Do I have to shpell it out to you? Never mind, **** off!" "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" asked Darth Prime, not knowing that Space Sean Connery Emperor's mother had died fighting a each-uisge in a peat bog 50,000 years ago. "No, darling, but I have kished your mother with thish mouth, in fact, I have fertilized her lawn, I've cleaned her pipesh, hell, I've even put my bat in her bloody upper deck, and moisturized her sodding face, you metal bashtard. Any other shtupid queshtions, ***hole?!" replied Space Sean Connery Emperor, clearly vexed.

"Do ya want me to turn this metal mother****** into junk?" asked Kyle Reese, Sergeant Tech-Comm DN38416. "Oh, look, it's that Navy Seals dude!" blurted out still tied to chair but very much alive Marvin Dorn. "Charlie Sheen?" answered Space Sean Connery Emperor. "No, the other guy." replied Dorn. "You mean Rick Rossovitch. I loved him in Terminator. Oh, to be Bess Motta....mmmmm." the Space Sean Connery Emperor trailed off, clearly in deep thought. "NO, the other guy!" "Oh, you mean Dennis Haysbert. It really sucked that they killed him off on 24 this year..."

"Oh, great! Thanks for the spoiler warning, prick! Some of us haven't seen this season yet!!" ejaculated a random Dakka-ite reading this forum.

"I've got your prick hanging, mishter. Any true fan would have already downloaded this sheason. Jack Bauer ownsh all!" The Space Sean Connery Emperor snarkily addressed the peanut gallery.

"No, not that guy, wossisname, Michael Biehn! That's it!" Dorn remembered finally.

"Bah, he wash is ClockShtoppers! Any ponce that shtarsh in a kidsh movie ishn't fit to carry a big weapon in my preshence!" The Space Sean Connery Emperor ejaculated with just a hint of double entendre.

"Ooh, Ooh, I'll carry the big weapon!" Legolas ejaculated right in The Space Sean Connery Emperor's face. "Shay it, don't shpray it, Bloom. I told you that I was just curious that one time, and that while I wish I could quit you, modern shociety just ishn't open-minded enough for our relationship, which will never happen, even ash much ash we might want or need it to. Sho just back off, shisshy, I'm a man'sh man!" The Space Sean Connery Emperor replied, unconvincingly.

(did you ever wonder if you could reply to a 10-year old thread? )

And so the Legion of Kill Harry Potter all cliimbed into Optimus Prime and drove through the time/space/dimension/plot warp back to the Swamp of Unbelieveable Peril.

The Space Emporer with the wisdom of 40,000 years wisely made a wise choice.
"ROLE CALL!" He ejaculated loudly.
Figured that everyone seeing this was all like TL/DR and stuff.

"Wolverine!" Wolverine growled in a lone rogue hero who plays by his own rules but has a personal code of honor sort of way.

"I sense I should say I am Lt Commander Deana Troy of the Starship Enterprise" whispered the empathic Starfleet officer whose sole purpose was to state the obvious whenever Whoopie Goldberg wasn't around.

"Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood son of King Thranduil of the royal line of Sindarin Elves" expositioned Legolas with exposition a thousand times more graceful than a thousand Hollywood script writers could ever write.

"Optimus Prime, star of four blockbuster films that have grossed over $3.7 billion - with a B - dollars and amassed nearly two stars from critics" said Optimus Prime in a deep voice that instantly made you feel like you were eight years old and playing on the floor of your parent's house and make you forget your parents' messy divorce and the miserable wreck your adult life has been.

"Excellent" ejaculated the Space Emperor, "Now on to Hogswarts so that the Fellowship of Kill Harry Potter can KILL HARRY POTTER!"

"Teh Space Emperor, I sense we may need to reconsider our mission, for is not Harry Potter long past his prime?" Whispered Counselor Troy sexily, reminding you of that time you saw her low cut uniform and had to cross your legs.

The Space Emporer pondered Troy's wisdom and shrugged.

"Yeah, probably we should go after, I dunno, that chick from Twilight or that other chick from the Hunger Games or the Avengers or something, but we're kind of committed now. Besides did you read the last book? That little @#$% needs to die just for the sheer amount of deus ex-machinas he pulled out of his skinny @#$. What what's up with them splitting the book into two movies? Pure cash grab! I'm surprised they didn't try to milk it for three!"

Legolas brushed a microscopic peice of lint from his tunic and tried to look inconspicuous. Gorgeously inconspicuous.

"NOW ONWARD TO KILL HARRY POTTER!" Teh Emperer ejaculated loudly!