Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

This one time the Space Emperor was oppressing the masses and the masses got real mad and rose up against him so the Space Emperor was all like "let's do lunch" so they did lunch and the Space Emperor said "how come you're rising agianst me?" and the masses said "because you're oppressing us" so the Space Emperor said "How about if I stop oppressing you, in fact I'll start repressing you instead, would that be good?" and the masses (who didn't go to school too much) were all like "OK" so that was that. 

And that's why Inquisitors always carry big thesoruses around.

In spite of their expectations of a future way better some people got ill an even died. The other folks were all like "WTF Ô_o ?", and the emperor was all like "WTF ?" and all the others, too, as well was their beloved emperor. People searched the whole galactical kingdom but found no answers that could answer their question (that was "WTF" ?"). But then there was this warmaster with this silly name that sounded like a well-known egyption god-hero-wannabe. During a time of grandé warmastering the warmaster kicked a kid sitting on the street. This kid all was like "You ####ing son of a #####. I will #### your a## till i am bored. Damn !" The Warmaster got scared and ran away.

This one time at boot camp the Space Emperor came. He said "Ahoy space marines, we have to stop opressing the plebs." So the marines stop bullying the plebs and they got bored and abadabon suggested they get some take out so they went to the moon and found horus serving at moon burger and they recruited him cause he gave them free food. Then the space emperor got (x3) mad cause the marines had a new friend so he decided to take him away from then and made him his son. The marines were like wtf  and went and bashed poor old johnny xenos for having a third eye in their rage.. then they bashed the next xenos then the next then they forgot why they were doing it so it became the great crusade and everytime the marines made a new friend the king of funk the space emporer would make him a son. cause he was (x2) jealous. On the some moon they met doom riders father MoonRider the exarch of burnouts, wheelies and crashing and the marines really liked him cause he was soo (x5) cool and even the emperor was jealous so he made him his son and gave him some marines and they became daddies angels but this at once was deemed not cool and they were exiled and there records expunged. thats why you dont know who the second legion is.  

double post

This one time these two hot cheerleaders were Having Sex With Each Other in a ladies room stall. Because they were taking a long time Having Sex With Each Other this other lady got mad. When they two hot cheerleaders came out from Having Sex With Each Other they punched the woman. Then they got arrested for Having Sex With Each Other and for hitting the other lady. Now they're in a woman's prison where they're probably Having Sex With Each Other right now. The Space Emperor is not in this story but I think he would have liked it a lot (x2).

This one time the Space Emperor was in meetings all day with advisors and generals and he got super (x2) bored so he decided to astrally project into the Girl Space Marine Shower Room where he saw things that are (x2) too adult for this board, and if I typed them, your eyeballs would fall out and burn up into a thousand little cinders and then the cinders would set the carpet on fire and the house would burn down and your parents wouldn't have any insurance and the fire inspectors would take your mom and dad to jail and you would have to live with your creepy uncle Don that claims his dogs as dependents on his income taxes and you would have to stamp hands at a mexican nightclub just to make enough money to get cereal to eat and not the good cereal either I'm talking about the crappy cereal. And that's why the new plastic giant is an iconic Warhammer creature.

This one time, scare crows enhabited space and they scared away all the birds. The Space Emperor got mad at that, he went to the scarecrows and said "why ju scare way mah birds!?". The scare crows they say "We don't like no crows in hei no moh". The Space Emperor got mad and stepped on the scare crows till they died. Birds came back and ate the scare crows bodies and then evolved into Kroot.

This one time the kroot, after coming back from the dead because the Space Emperor (tm) of Mankind (R) (x10^23) stomped on them and then they got eaten and then they evolved, they were like "Whoa, we eat stuffs and get their genes and evolve traits, like biomorphs, except we call them traits cause that was like taken." Then a genestealer came by and was like all "WTF why you ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS COPYING ME!@!@!@!!2112!@!@". And the kroot were like "Woah!" And the genestealer was like "Raar!" and attacked them, and he killed all eleventy billion of them because he has RENDING. Rending is like the most powerful ability (x9) evar, it's like a form of nuclear bomb on your claws but without the heat or radiation or wind that turns dust into bullets or light that puts peoples shadows on walls. Other than that, it is just like a weapon of mass destruction but on your hands, instead of in Iraq, which the Space Emperor (tm) of Mankind (R) (x10^23) owns anyways.

Anyways the Space Emperor (tm) of Mankind (R) (x10^23) was like "omgwtfbbq, we must have RENDING." and so some little green men on a red earth sized planet that wasn't earth made The Emperors Finest (tm) have rending. So some little green men from Mars, where all the weapons of the Space Emperor come from killed the genestealer and put little pieces of his hands in a LOT of bullets, and when I mean a lot I mean like more bullets than a lot, enought to last infinity (8 but on its side).

Now I know what you're thinking, how did the little green men from mars beat the Genestealer since he had RENDING and they didn't? Simple, they told him his shoes were untied then kicked him in the b@***. Then they had a Space Marine spit on him because they have oblong spleens or octagonal thyroids or hysterical pregnancy or something that lets them spit acid, but only if they take off their helmets. The Space Emperor (tm) taught them that because he's a psyker and he knows everything which is why he eventually turns into a baby Space Emperor (tm) in the warp and when people warship chaos there are billboards everywhere that say "Worshiping Chaos makes Baby Space Emperor cry!"

This one time,the Space Emperor opened a can of Emperor-fu and attacked Godzilla.There was a huge big (x2) battle with lots of people who are dead now but we dont really care cause they're only actors and dont actually exist but only on the silver screen.Godzilla got mad and wanted to attack the Emperor but then an army of Chuck Norris's came out of the Adeptus factories and pwnd (x31337) everyone in the universe with roundhouse kicks except for the Emperor cause he haded a golden armor.
GW thought this was cheesy and powergamed so thats why you cant play Chuck Norris Marines any more

This one time the Space Emperor used his Emperor Magic to make a movie called 'Into the Blue' about Jessica Alba in a bikini.

38,000 years later everyone still agrees this is the greatest thing he ever did for mankind.

This one time the Space Emperor and Chuck Norris got in a fight in a bar on Mars. They fought so hard they knocked the main hive off its foundation and changed the axial tilt of the entire planet, causing grass to grow for seven minutes. When the planet righted itself, the plantlife rotted, releasing millions of cubic yards of oxygen in the air. Chuck Norris lit a cigarette, igniting the atmosphere of the planet, killing all the Adeptus Mechanicus and himself in the process. The Space Emperor, of course, was unharmed. And that's why GW won't ever make an Adeptus Mechanicus army. It would be cool, though.

Seven hundred million people attended Chuck Norris's funeral. Among the attendees were Lord Commander Macharius, the Wharton Business School football team, the surviving members of Canadian super group Rush, and Rogal Dorn. Rogal Dorn wept.

One time the Space Emperor was watching space television and he saw some space television shows on a space channel called Faux. They had shows like the "Who wants to Marry a Chaos Midget?" show and the "Shallow Idiot Teenage Dramma Squad" show. They even had one show called "Let's take one woman out of her home and another woman out of her home and swap them and see if they will Have Sex with the other guy in the other home, or maybe beat up his kids." show. That happens all the time in real life for no apparent reason, that's why they called it a reality show.

They also had a lot of shows where a bunch of old men who can't Have Sex say that young men who Can Have Sex, shouldn't Have Sex unless they have Boring Married Sex because to do otherwise is evil. They also say Don't Take Drugs because Drugs are Bad, and then get their Illegal Alien (like Space Elfs) maids to sneak them Drugs. If they don't, they get deported into the Space Vaccum where Space Demons will eat you after you explode. They also say Alternative Lifestyles like the Green Space Marines have are Bad. "Be a Bad Space Marine before a Green Space Marine!" is what they would say. In secret, all of these old men had Alternative Lifestyles and just wanted to have the Green Marines as their "close friends" all to themselves without competition, because they are old and ugly. Big Strong Manly Green Marines have... Lots of "friends", "partners", "battle bretheren", and "midgets"... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Space Emperor got mad and threw his golden remote control through the television. Even a Space Television couldn't stand The Space Emperors wrath! He had to go to the Space Bathroom so he sat on the Golden Throne for a bit contemplating this. He deemed Faux heretical, and using an Extremely Beardy Army, scored a Crushing Victory (exclamation point!) in the first turn of his campaign against Faux, wiping them completely out to the very (x3) last molecule. To prevent anything like this from ever happening again, he made everyone speak Latin so that no one could understand Space TV any more. Latin is very (x2) old and only very (x2) smart people know it like Lawyers and Judges and Doc Holliday. People who make Space Television are very (x2) dumb so they can't speak Latin.

Now all that is broadcast on Space Television is Space JackAss. Pooping in your pants, falling down concrete stairs, and Wearing Panda Costumes is funny in any language!

Okay, so this one time, the Space Emperor was going to make a kickass movie about himself! He tried to find a director so he looked all over the country. He wanted Stanley Kubrick to direct his movie but since Stanley had been dead (86'd, iced, offed, wormfood, 6 feet under..) he wasn't able to direct it.
Then the Space Emperor tried to get James Cameron to direct his kickass movie! James Cameron was interested but the Space Emperor thought twice after he watched Titanic and Thunderball! (James directed thunderball, right? He didn't? Whatever.)

Anyway the space emperor wanted Special FX wizard Stan winston to make his movie, but after seeing Pumpkinhead, The Space emperor decided he could crap a better director than him and moved on.

Finally Kevin Costner was chosen to direct and star in the film as the Space Emperor's screen-hogging sidekick!
On september fifteenth, the script was finished. Costner didn't like it so he took a sharpee and re-wrote the entire thing, firing six writers and one assistant writer in the process. Meanwhile, shooting was scheduled to begin off the coast of Hawaii. Between shoots, Costner stayed in his 11 bedroom fourteen bathroom two-pool three-hot-tub beach house, while the rest of the crew got crammed into one trailer through quantum physics.

The space empeor wasn't happy because the entire shoot was a huge ordeal. The left-over floating sets from water-world depleated all of Hawaii's scrap metal and sank often. When filming the knife-fight scene in scotland, the japanese actor playing Rodan was badly injured when the cables that suspended him snapped, sending him plummeting twenty feet onto a fake forest set. He remains in critical condition.

The Space emperor's performance in the Railing kill scene was totally improvised, because Costner was on the crapper. Delivering a fantastic performance worthy of the royal academy of dramatic arts, the Space Emperor pledged his love for Mari-Sue. The scene ultimately ended in the film's climactic ending, featuring a gunfight, two T-Rex's, an Ornithosuchus (not a dinosaur but closer to GW's carnosaur.) the final battle also included Keanu Reeves's terrible guitar solo, and featured a very graphic sequence that showed Andy Serkis being eaten by 3-4 gigantic leeches at once.

At the Oscars, the Space emperor was punched by Russel Crowe. The Space emperor used his "word of the emperor" power to banish Russel. It's a psychic power that, you know, makes big bad demons go away and never come back!.
So, anyway, at the Oscar ceremony, the space emperor's movie was beaten by Airwolf: Ernest Borgnine's not-pieced-together movie featuring a capsized oceanliner and an evil monkey, which took the award for "Best Picture" in the end.

The Space Emperor was so increadibly angry that he squished a music conductor, and used his powers to zoom back in time so his move was never created. Unfortunately the space emperor screwed up time and space and accidentally MET his past self! The two empeors fought each other in a super-explosive ultra-cool mega-violent mega-battle that was even more spectacular than the final scene in Killdozer!

In the end, the REAL space emperor won, and he continued to live, Rocking the world with his powers. Good-god, jump back, kiss myself! Pow!

This one time people were frequently asking the Space Emperor Questions about like shooting psycannons at turbo-boosting bikes or which units could ride in drop pods.

The Space Emperor told everyone to watch his website and he would answer them. But as time went on there were no answers, just price increaces.

Meanwhile Mr. Warmachine was answering questions left right and center. So more and more poeple were listening to Mr. Warmachine.

So when the Space Emperor got around to answering the questions no one cared anymore.

This made the Space Emperor very (x2) sad so he raised prices some more.

This one time, The Space Emperor was laughing at Mr. Warmachine. He called him 'Fat-Fatty-McFat-Fat'. This made him very happy (x2). Then he looked at his reflection in the mirror, and upon seeing all the encrusted craniums cunningly wrought thereon, cried baby-baby tears that the Gold Marines bottled and sold for thousands (x2) of Imperial Dinars.

This is why no-one likes a bully.

This other time, The Space Emperor was talking with the High Council of the Blue Desert-Dwelling Fish-Frog Guy Men Who Like Socialism As An Ethos, Not Just For The Chicks. The Space Emperor agreed to cede the Ultima Segmentum to the Tau in return for a giant robot that he could stomp around in. This angered the Adeptus Mechanicus to no end (xInfinity), who opened the vault on Mars, like the one that held the weather device in Total Recall and released the Void Dragon who wrapped itself around The Space Emperor and made his eyes bulge out (x2). Suddenly, Hi'Ro'Sh'i', junior member of The High Council Of The Blue Desert-Dwelling Fish-Frog Guy Men Who Like Socialism As An Ethos, Not Just For The Chicks started folding the treaty into an origami shuriken, entrancing the Void Dragon, and giving the others time to Rail Gun it to a fine mulch. The sight of Void Dragon mulch sent Hi'Ro'Sh'i's Kroot manservant Tinkle into a terrible (x2) rage, and he proceeded to scarf all the Void Dragon Mulch. Little did he know that when you eat Void Dragon, you get Space Diarrhea. Space Diarrhea is kind of like the regular diarrhea you get when you eat at Red Lobster, but it's not. Anyway, Tinkle started spraying Space Diarrhea out his pores, stinking up the place, and making The Space Emperor puke all over Au'Em'Ghi'Teh'Bhut'Zexs, ranking member of The High Council Of The Blue Desert-Dwelling Fish-Frog Guy Men Who Like Socialism As An Ethos, Not Just For The Chicks.

This is why....hell, I don't even know anymore.

This is why The Space Emperor Nuked Them From Orbit Because It's The Only Way To Be Sure on the day Hi'Ro'Sh'i was promoted to grand 'Ma of the Tau.

Space Emperor pwns your Grand 'Ma!!11!!!1!11!lolersk8tes!!1!

>this made the space emperor very (x2) sad so he raised prices some more.

 

I'd use a smily face right now, but that would be nerdy, so just trust that I'm laughing my head off.

One time there was this Very (x2) Big Space Crusade (2006) against the Space Aliens. All the Space Marines were totally (x2) stoked and made lots of Death From Above Pods so they could Death From Above all over the foul (x2) aliens the Space Emperor hated. However the Space Emperor decided that only Space Emperor Approved Death From Above Pods could be used even though the Space German guys had instructions on making Non-Space Emperor Approved Death From Above Pods on their Space Web Site, which was Space Emperor Approved.

This is why only single, bitter, childless, hyper competitive, anti-social people with lots (x2) of disposable income like me ever win Space Tournaments. Ever (x2).

This one time the Space Emperor and Eddie Grant were rocking out with Mic Jagger and singing 'We're gonna rock down to ELECTRIC AVENUE" and Eddie Grant was all like why don't you come down to my home country of Guyana and we can watch World Cup Cricket together and you can stay at my house which good since they estimate Guyana will need 10,000 hotel rooms for the tournment but only has 500 and as far as I can tell the government doesn't have a blessed clue what they're going to do.

And the Space Emperor was like "Guyana? that is a small country in west Africa is it not?"

And Eddie Grant was about to be all like "No it's an English speaking country in South America" but he'd forgotten about the Space Emperor's Emperor Reality Altering power so as soon as the Space Emperor said that Guyana was picked up and moved 1000s of miles from South America to West Africa so Eddie Grant was all like "I guess it is now" instead.

So they went to Guyana and as soon as the Space Emperor stepped off the plane the value of his Solid Gold Space Armor trippled the GDP. So Guyana lost all their foreign aid.

And that's why the Space Emperor was never invited back to Guyana.

This one time the Space Emperor got pressured into buying pirated movies. Unfortunately the space emperor gave in to Peer Pressure. (Peer pressure when your friends try to get you to smoke weed, or tell you to eat beef that hasn't been stamped by the USDA)  

The pirates closed in to deliver the movies, bootleg copies of Curious George: the movie. Realizing the potential pirates had for their grade-school fan base, Games Workshop released a new army for 40k called codex: Space Pirates.

Using a new technique called Pinpoint Marketing, GW targeted all their 12 year-old Marine-playing customers and advertised their new product. With a combination of photoshopped images and promises to make it into a video game, GW successfully sold fifteen thousand pre-ordered army boxes.

 

The Space Emperor recieved his Bootleg movie, yet felt empty inside. When he realized that bootleg movies were illegal, the Space Emperor killed his friends and waged genocide on every pirate in the universe.

This war is the subject of this year's worldwide mega campaign! Sign up now!   

One time, a little Space Marine came to the big Space Emperor and told him that his chapter was too big (x1001+) so they had to make a new Space Chapter. The Space Emperor nodded. First the Space Emperor rolled d3 and spun the Wheel of Space Marine Colors that many (xd3) times. He got Burgundy, Teal, and Chartreuse. This was the Space Chapters new Colors. Then looking at the Space Clothes Colors to Super Power conversion table, he determined that the new chapter would have the Super Powers of "Run Forward Screaming ALL The Time", "Use Lots Of Big Guns", and "Roll Three Times on the Minor Power Table OR Twice More on the Major Table."

The Space Emperor looked at his work and was like "This will be the bestest (x2) chapter EVER". Then he had to pick a name for his new chapter. This was the Space Emperors greatest challenge. First he tried the Space Sharks. Taken. The Space Wolves? Taken. The Space Salamanders! Taken. The Black Marines! Taken (x2). The Marines in Black! Taken. The Other Black Marines! Taken. The Rainbow Bright Warriors? Taken! The Space Emperor was most displeased.

The Little Space Marine handed the Big Space Emperor a copy of an Ikea catalogue and he flipped it to a random page and pointed his Space Finger without looking.

"From now until the end of time you shall be known as the Wicker Frog Angels. You Shall Know Not Being Afraid of Afraid Making Stuff. You Shall Run Forward Screaming ALL The Time. You Shall Use Lots of Big Guns. You Shall Roll Three Times On The Minor Power Table Or Two More Times On The Major Power Table."

The New Space Chapter was so (x10) good they beat the Bad Space Elves 207 times in a row with no dice fixing and no defeats and were so popular their second founding chapters, The Masters of Modular Storage Solutions and the Freja Labyrint Rug Warriors were even better (x2).

This is why Games Workshop got all the money on Earth and brought about world peace because once everyone agreed that the bestest Space Marines were Freja Labyyrint Rug Warriors, everyone had something in common so no one could get that angry at one another any more. This is also why Games Workshop needs all your money. Because they want it.

LOL@Skyfyre!

This one time the Space Emperor was using his Emperor Powers to feed the sick and heal the hungry except the sick were all like, "we need healing!" and the hungry were all like "we need feeding!" so the Space Emperor was all like, "you're so ungrateful I won't help you any more!" so from that day on he only used his Emperor Powers for Blackjack and Hookers. And to tell the truth he didn't really play much Blackjack.

The Space Emperor does not use his powers for good. He uses them for awesome!

This one time the Space Emperor was walking down the elevated street in the ruins of Nova Anguille, picking up discarded psykers that the Space Emperor Did Something Awesome Festival revellers had thrown into the titanic mounds of trash that surrounded the hab stacks that jutted out of the tepid Mere Atlantis. The Space Emperor lauguidly hawked a gobbet of psy-phlegm into the corrosive sludge coming out of a box of Corpus Crispies. This phlegm would soon be eaten by a pteragull. This pteragull would eventually become the most intelligent (x2) pteragull on the face of Holy Terra, which wasn't really saying much, as the average pteragull has the brainpower of a piece of plascrete. Where was I? Yes, this pteragull eventually ran for block captain, and by some odd mix-up in the Administratum, he won. He served his constituents with distinction for twenty years until being lobotomised by a hellfire round by Inquisitor Lazarre. Thirty thousand citizens were killed, and trade from the NorAm monufactories was halted as a result of the bloody campaign began in the power vacuum caused by the pteragull's death. All because the Space Emperor spat into a pile of garbage.

This is why B.J. and the Bear is far superior to Greg Evigan's other series, My Two Dads.

One time, the Space Emperors kids got lost. This is because he didn't keep them on that annoying telephone cord like leash thing that parents use on their kids in the mall. You know, that cord that you trip over when you're not looking and the kid gets knocked down and starts crying, and then the parent starts screaming and gets in your face and is like all "WTH ARE YOU DOING!!!1??" so you have to punch them in the face to shut them up. Then the kid has a knocked out parent, and is crying, and mall security maces you, but they get some mace in the kids eyes too and they start screaming in pain rolling all over the ground. This is why kids are afraid of adults.

Anyways, The Space Emperor went to this one place that was real cold (x2) and real far away (x2) and found this guy raised by wolves. The space emperor was like all "Luke, I AM YOUR FATHER" and the dude was like "Yeah right. I'm big (x2) and buff (x2) and you are weak (x2) and puny (x2). I can eat more than you, drink more than you, AND pwn you at Nintendo!". The Space Emperor was like "prove it n00b." So Luke ate 200 Taco Bell Burritos in like 2 minutes to prove his power. The Space Emperor didn't have any cause he liked Baja Fresh way better. Luke then drank 30 gallons of Mt. Dew to prove how x-treme he was. The Space Emperor just laughed. 3 months later when Luke got back from the bathroom, Luke and the Space Emperor played Nintendo. The Space Emperor donned his Power Glove (tm by Nintendo) and scored FIFTY THOUSAND (x50,000) points on Double Dragon and totally pwned Luke when he Got the Power Up and Won The Game.

Luke was like all, "OMG WTF HAXXX!!" and the Space Emperor was like all "^_^".

The Space Emperor revealed he was really Fred Savages autistic little brother. Luke bowed to his superior and vowed to protect him from bullies for the rest of his life. After all, NO ONE beats Fred Savage's autistic little brother at Nintendo! This is why the Space Emperor is the Emperor of Mankind. He has MAD Nintendo skills.

This one time the Space Emperor saw a redshirt sooooooo ugly and spotty and socially maladjusted that he was sick in his helmet and nearly drowned.

If kid_kyoto were to post, I'd think he'd post something like:

Ok, so this one time, The Space Emperor made Real Tough Expensive Guys With Big Armor And Guns Of Killingness. The Bad Space Marines copied him and made Bad Real Tough Expensive Guys With Big Armor And Guns Of Killingness. They weren't as good because they didn't have Donkey Cannons so they ended up being Real Tough Expensive Guys With Big Armor And Guns Of Killingness (-1). Then He changed the size of their bases so that people would have to buy more bases. Then once people had to buy more bases he raised the price of bases to 20$ for a pack of three. Terminators come in squads of 5. This is called good business practices, like selling hotdogs in packs of 10 and hot dog buns in packs of 8.

The Bad Space Marines still used small bases though because the Emperor didn't change their base size.. This is because no one plays Bad Space Marines With Tough Expensive Guys With Big Armor And Guns Of Killingness (-1). The Emperor didn't care tho so He killed them all so everyone would have to buy 20$ bases for a squad of 5 in packs of 3. This made the Emperor very (x2) happy.

- Sneak Preview of Codex: Terminator Chaos a.k.a. just go buy obliterators like everyone else and stop debating legal terminator base sizes FOR EIGHTEEN PAGES OF SENSLESS THOUGHTLESS DRIVEL *FOR THE LOVE OF GOD*!!!1!!

Nah, I think kid kyoto would be more like...

This one time the Space Emperor made Rogal Dorn the Secretary of Homeworld Security which was a pettly cool except that Rogal had to wear a miniskirt cause in the Space Empire all Secretaries must wear tight miniskirts and 7" heels and fishnet stockings and thongs and and... uh... anyway so Rogal Dorn hired Horus O'Heresy to guard all the Space Ports cause everyone knows someone with a name like O'Heresy can't be a Space Terrorist. Then all of the sudden this whole huge army full of like, Bad Space Marines, and Space Demons and Guys with Dresses came out of the Space Ports and attacked the Space Emperor's Space House. That's why Rogal Dorn has to wear the Bannana Suit of Shame - Sneak Preview of Codex Departo Homeworld Security

**BASED ON A TRUE STORY!**

This one time the Space Emperor got an Email and the emial was all like 'you won the US green card lottery' and the Space Emperor was all like OMGWTF cause he always wanted a green card so he could see Disney World and McDonalds and so he was all like 'hey Mrs. Space Emperor pack up the kids we're going to America to see the hookers and cowboys!' and Mrs Space Emperor was all like "But Spacey" she calls him Spacey y'know "But Spacey we didn't enter any Green Card Lottery" but the Space Emperor was all like, "don't question our good luck woman pack the kids in the suitcase!" and Mrs. Space Emperor was all like "well when do we get our green cards?" and the SPace Emperor was all like "as soon as I wire transfer 1 million Space Pesos to Honest Bob's Immigration Service in Lagos Nigeria" but Mrs. Space Emperor was all like "but surely if we were getting real green cards we would contact the US government which is in Washington DC" but the Space Emperor wouldn't listen and sent the money and he never got his green card. He holds a grudge to this day which is why there is no Space America army in the Space Universe.

***BASED ON A TRUE STORY! Unfortunately. Guys, if it sounds too good to be true...***

This one time the Space Emperor walked into a club. It was a typical Space Club: Obscura bar, inane space techno music, and about seventy slinky mutant snake women trying to steal his wallet. The Space Emperor was trying to sell 750,000 Space Ecstacy tablets, and the only guy on Terra that could move that many Space X tabs was Julio "The Butcher" Dinero, the Lord of the Tenochtitlan Hive-Stack. Julio and the Space Emperor went way back, each saved each other's life more times than they could count in the slaughter pits of New Juarez, and later during the scourging of Bacchus Prime, when Julio took a mass driver round from a Tarellian Dog Soldier that was meant for the Space Emperor. The deal took place, the Space Emperor got paid, had a shot of Space Mescal, and walked out of the club into the humid night.

This is why you don't ever hear about drug deals that go right. Its because they're boring.

The space emperorrs tears cure cancer!! Unfortunately the space emperor is to awesome to cry

***
This one time the Space Vice Emperor was hunting lawyers in Texas and he shot one with his shotgun. Then all of the sudden the Texas Game Warden burst from the shade and was all like "You got a permit to hunt lawyahs in Texas boy?" So the Space Vice Emperor showed his permit but he didn't have right stamp so the Texas Game Warden was all like "Yuh gotta pay seven dollahs boy" so he paid $7 and then the Space Vice Emperor could go around shooting all the lawyers in Texas that he wants.
*BASED ON A TRUE STORY!*
***
***
This one time the Space Emperor was discriminating against persons living with HIV and AIDS. But then International Soca Superstar Rupee came by and said ?Don?t dis me!? and he told the story about how this one time his mom and his dad had AIDS and how he still loved them. This made the Space Emperor cry. So the Space Emperor promised not to discriminate against persons living with HIV and AIDS any more. That?s why you shouldn?t discriminate against people living with HIV and AIDS either. ? A message from Games Workshop Fans United Against Discrimination Against Persons Living With HIV and AIDS (GWFUADAPLWHAA)