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lord commissar klimino alexanders start

As klimino hid behind the chair,he saw his fathers head explode,blood splattering on the wall. his mom ran into the room and turned around as the massive chaos warlord walked in after her. as klimino ran to grab her leg,her chest exploded in a rain of blood and a bolter shot whizzed over kliminos head.as he came to a stop,he got pushed to the ground as the weight of his mothers body fell on him.as he layed still in fright,he saw the monster scan the room and,after not spotting any other living thing,it turned and left with its pack of animals at its heel. as klimino heard the foot steps die away, he pushed his way out from under neath his mother and ran to the window away from where they had gone out and jumped out it.as he face planted on the grass,he got up and started to run towards the woods,only to see that a massive,old ship had landed on them. he turned and ran into the nearby city,hiding in places only a 8 year old kid could fit whenever he heard the sound of their foot steps,or the screams of death.

then,after 2 long weeks of barley surviving,he saw stars fall from the heavens and hit the ground. massive,silver angels came out and killed the animals that had followed the monster that had destroyed his peaceful planet of heavinii.after 3 long weeks,the chaotic beasts retreated from the planet,and the few survivors were taken away by the angels,along with klimino,because their once peaceful,beautiful paradise heavinii was uninhabitable now.as klimino looked out the window of the ship,he saw his planet disappear behind it.

like all the other orphans,he was taken to the schola progenium.their, he was taught to love the emperor and hate the enemy's of man.but deep down he knew all he wanted was to put a shot threw threw every chaos follower he ever saw. at the age of 13,he went in to study as a commissar. after several years of showing above average faith and knowledge,he became a commissar at the age of 25. he was sent to serve with catalices 13th regiment,on the jungle planet of joff. he took with him a power sword and a melta pistol. as he finally crushed the orks their when he was 35,a small hive fleet descended on the planet. as all of the officers were killed ,he lead the men of catalice himself,trying to loose as little lives as possible,as he knew what it was like to see loved ones die,he treasured life,but knew when to spend it if necessary.he managed to hold off the tyranids using guerrilla tactics of all things for 1 and a half years til help arrived and saved them.the hive was gone by the end of the year.now being 37,he was promoted to lord commissar for his actions in holding off the fleet.

he was put in charge of catalices 4 best regiments,the 13th,5th,12th,and 459th.the reason? a banned of chaos mercenaries called the 'yellow backs' was attacking with a huge force in the area. as klimino met this threat for the 1st time on alran,he noticed something...the color of their armor was the same from his childhood.as he crushed them fight after fight,their leader finally emerged...the monster that had shot his parents. as he charged the beast,it shot its twin bolters from its claws and skimmed his face,sending klimino swirling in a circle and hitting the ground hard.as he was lifted up,he felt a crunch and a shock of pain,and saw one of his arms fall at the beasts feet,then the other one.he thought he was about to die,but was then saved by what would soon be one of his best friends,a quria self named 'hamster',who tackled the brute and pushed it away as klimino fell out of its hand and to the ground.

he awoke in a medical bay 3 days later with 2 bionic arms and a scarred face,but they had won the battle due to hamster badly damaging the chaos warlord.he had wrestled the chaos warlord to the ground and stabbed him in the head,but its helmet saved it from being killed and so it knocked off hamster and retreated to its ship. klimino gave hamster a promotion and due to showing some intelligence,hamster became a bone 'ead,much to hamsters delight. even after several wins and losses,klimino and the crow eaters are still at war after 3 years of fighting,and klimino still fights on the front lines with his loyal men at the age of 45.

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background:catalice

Catalice is a planet near the outer rim of human control. it is half ice almost barren land,half city "jungle". the people their are tough and almost rarely trust outsiders. for century's the 2 halves were at war until it was put down by the imperium. they still mistrust each other,but not as much as they mistrust the imperium for stepping in. but they obey and follow the emperor,but more like you would follow your president,you follow,but you dont agree with everything he says.

due to their lack of trust to outsiders,all reinforcements to their regiments come from their home planet. once they tried combining the catalice 4th with the catachan 777th,but it ended with them fighting each other instead of the orks. people from ice catalice are natural survivalists in any situation,wearing fur and masks to cover themselves from the environment. people from city catalice are rough,go to shooters,as everyone has a weapon to defend from the violence of city gangs.to gain a cataliceians trust,you must prove yourself to them by showing above average bravery,strength,and more.

one thing about the people of catalice is that they dont like to fight.they think thoroughly before battle about how to avoid a long fight and lose less lives. it evolved in thier culture before the wars that fighting is not the answer unless absolutely necessary to survive. the wars happened due to their lack of trust and the cities need for expansion in order to survive with its massive population.

abhuman cataliceians- due to inbreeding in some parts of the city and pollution during the wars,a race of abhumans like the ogryns emerged.they are the quria. dumb,strong,but gentle as a butterfly,they love life and plants and made gardens to make the city beautiful.but they are also over protective of friends and family,busting in the heads of anyone who even argues with people they care about.

the ninyas are kinda like ratlings, but less rotund and Eskimos. they come from ice catalice,where they shrunk to conserve energy and gained great eye sight to help them see threw the blizzards.

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The fight on bouldia

as klimino marched off the ship,he looked around the stone town.no sign of anyone,but no sign of a fight either. "hamster,with me,you 3 vets to.all others take normal sweeps. check the buildings,scout the area,set up defensive positions." as he heard the drop ship fly off,he sighed.another day,another fight it seemed. as he walked down a row of houses,he heard hamster sniffing the air."smell somthing off?" "shmells like sum thang ran off reel fast." as klimino stopped to look around,he thought he heard foot steps,and swerved around,only to see hamster was running around a corner of a house.

"you 3,head that way and block the path of whatever he is chasing." as klimino ran to ketch up with hamster,he saw hamster chocking a dark eldar wyche while holding off 3 more with his knife. as klimino stopped,he pulled out his melta pistol and shot 2 down,while hamster snapped the ones neck and beat the other to death with the body.as the 3 veterans appeared,klimino said "dang,dark eldar.slavers probably by the fact no one is here.you 3,spread the word,tell them to get thoses sweeps and defensive positions up asap."

as a few hours passed,everything was set up for the worst."du think dey gona atak?"said hamster while chewing on a bullet. "hope not,those slavers are known for loving blood,even if we win,they will make it more sour than necissary." "dis sounds like lot of dakka dakka gona bee go in on." as klimino laughs,along with all listening,a explosion si hear drom the north side,and the alarm is sprung.

"to your positions men!" klimino yells as he goes to see what they are facing. "3 raiders sir,2 filled with 10 warriors each,the other with 5 mandrakes." "dangit,more than i thought.lascannons,fire at will,heavy bolters,focus fire on the 3rd one,those guys get in close,its gonna be messy. hold grenade launchers til they dismount.all troopers,fire at will!" as fire rains down on the raiders,one explodes into scrap from sevral hits from laz cannons, and nothjing survives. the 3rd one gets hit,and crashes,but the mandrakes jump out,along with thier leader,a archon. as they take cover in the wreackage,grenades start raining around them,while bolter shots tear thier defences to nothing. as the other raider gets neaar,not without damage though,it swerves to its side and its crew unload on the line.2 guards man fall,another screams as his hand detaches. klimino aims his melta gun and as it passes him,takes a shot threw the piolot chamber and the thing crashes.as its crew tries to escape,they are gunned down.as klimino looks out at the 3rd raider,he sees only the archon left,barly alive with a bolter wound threw the stomache. "cease fire!" he yells to his men.

as he and his bodyguards walk out to the archon,a mandrake jumps out,but is gunned down by hamster."thanks." "you dont got ta tank meh." hamster says with a smile. as klimino stops above the dark eladar scum,he says "why would you even attempt such a suicidal move? we were obviously going to win." "we had no choice you worthless cyborg.to low on supplys,already had to kill the slaves we were going to sale." the archon said while coughing up blood. " why are you telling me this so willingly,thought i was gonna have to sick hamster on you." klimino said as hamster grins. "because you and all your men are doomed,just like i was.he who follows all the dark gods killed most of my men,kicked us from are home.we crashed here out of fuel.im telling you this so that i might laugh a-" he didnt finish as klimino cut his head off." call the fleet,were done here." but as klimino was flying back to his ship,he woundered who it was that drove that thing to such measures.

(hope you like it,will update and add on every now and again and when i get ideas.1st time doing one of these,sooo...also sorry bout any spelling mistakes,this computer has no spell check.) (please fill free to give any pointers)

Break the paragraph up a bit...
Really difficult to read otherwise...

As for the actual fluff...
Commissars aren't really given command positions so he wouldn't be credited with the victories unless all oficers were dead.
He is also waaay too young. In 40k people can be 100 or so and look less than 40 if they are well connected and get the right treatments. By the time it mattered he would be well connected and could get the right treatments.

The kind of rivalry between him and the chaos mercenary leader is good but needs work. I would also suggest changing them from mercenaries to corsairs... not much different but corsairs sound better than kercenaries.

Ok,that better? broke up it up.

Much...
Looking at it a touch more closely you do need to tidy up the grammar.

and so...make him older? and the other officers did die,plus commissars have some what a higher athority,if they dont think that person is able to lead,they can take command...or just shoot the dude and pass on command. and lord commissars are given command. heck,you can also only have one of em as a hq unit instead of a command squad.

Yeah, but they can be shot or relieved if they take command unjustly. You didn't say that all the officers had died.
Make him older though his age really isn't that important and most people lose track of their age as a side effect of warp travel. (It messes with time)
Lord Commissars can take command but before he becomes one is when he gains his command skills.

ok,so bump up age,add in that officers died.got it.

And as teency weency kind of thing change his melta gun to a melta pistol or something.
Meltaguns are heavy dty assault weapons usually carried in both hands, it would be kinda hard to use one whilst swinging a sword about.

ok,i will,didnt know their was a melta pistol. edited age and added in that officers die plus a tiny bit more. couldnt find a way to make him to much older les he hold off a hive fleet for more than 1 1/2 years.

45 is good...
You might want to add some more battles though and against a few more enemies...
Eldar corsairs/Dark Eldar maybe...
Corrupted IG regiments?

thanks for the idea,ill add more as i think about them. creativity only happens so fast...or something.

No worries...
Look forward to seeing more.

Hey, im the chaos lord that apears in his storys, we actually have quite a bit of background already set up

Planning on posting it any time soon?

i might post about catalices background,but other than that dont got any real ideas. the stories he is talking about could use some work.other are unusable. dont expect any tie ins between us til he posts his actural thread.

Added a little on catalices background.ill do more as i work out the details.

Ya i need to make a page about my guys and there story but im waitin abit for that

Fair enough...

Added some to catalices background.

The 3rd paragraph is a bit strange...
Humans compete with each other to survive but in a civilised society survival is a given. Maybe better to say that the culture has evolved to the point that any fighting not for survival is against their culture but they believe that the IoM needs to fight any and all aliens to survive (or something like that)

edited and added to catalices background,also put up title of fight im gonna due hopefully soon.

put up kliminos 1st detailed fight,hope it was good,1st action one ever.

As soon as school is out im going to start my guys background, its a very lingthy one since he has been around since before the horus herasy and was a rather aged marine at the time as well.

THE CROW GETS EATEN

as klimino lands with his full force,all 4 regiments,he scans the dark planes.the crow eaters.
over the vox network,klimino orders his men to "sentinals,scan to the left,chimras,down the center and right,tanks,act as guides for chimeras. artillery,set up around that big shy scraper,put somr on higher levels. vets,search that sky scraper 1st,the hep weapons teams set up inside,thats are designated HQ. guardsmen march down middle,shoot anything that moves thats not us.set up in HQ and sweep those 3 around it then set up in them. storm troopers,land on roofs and work downwards then set up with the rest. commanders,hamster and squad,with me."

"lord commissar,do you really think the crow eaters are still hear? it looks like they killed and the just left."
as klimino and group enter a chimera,klimino says" absolutly. scum like them wouldnt just leave."
"dis is gona be bg fite,rite?" says hamster.
"no,its gonna be a war."klimino responds,with a sigh.
"lord commissar,reports in,HQ is clear,1 and 2 also,3rd has not responeded."

then,the 3rd building half explodes,and you see fire being exchanged between it and the HQ and 2nd building.
over vox"all unit,attck that building,all force allowed! sep on the gas driver!"
"sir yes sir!" as the chimera speeds up,klimino sees more building cominig alive with fire,shooting at all 3 of thiers.he sees explosions taking out parts here and there,and sees ants fighting on the ground between buildings (going slightly down hill to city,so gives him slight "airial view").

as the chimera enters the heat of battle near the front of the HQ,it fires its multi lazer and strom bolter at the chaos marine.klimino and company disembark and rush out.as klimino looks to his left,he sees 3 terminators heading for the HQ.with a quick shot from his melta pistl,one falls,causing the other 2 to turn and fire,shreading one of the commanders to shreads.
"incoming fire! take cover behind these concrete peices!"
as they rush to,klimino barley dodges one of the treminators fire,and then rushes forward to it. with a quick and hard slash,it falls.then,as the last one raises its fist to smash klimino,a young sargent rushes forward yelling "im gona cut you!" and cuts deep into its armpit with his chain sword,allowing klimino to stab it threw the neck.
"are you crazey sargent?!? that was a terminator" yells klimino as he ducks away from bolter fire.
"sorry commissar,i just thought it was gonna kill you."
laughing and pulling the sargent down under cover.klimino asks "whats your name,ol naive one?"
"igo (iigo,not i go) sir."
"well sargent,you just got a promotion."
"thank you lord commissar."
"call me klimino."

*over vox* hey,hows it going?"
"good sir,i see less coming every minute,they are-wait,bikes!" all of a sudden,sevral bikes come arounnd the corner of thier building,and slam threw are advancing line,with few getting hit. then,a dreadnaught tries coming out of the building,but is demolished by 2 lazcannon shots and one auto cannon.
"men,take cover,bikes be back shortly,when you shoot at them,aim a little ways in front of them." as the bikes come back,this time most were out of thier way hiding behind stuff,and they run right into a hail of fire,even one heavy artillery round his the middle of them.almost none survive,those that fell off thier bikes and lived are quicklt gunned down.the few remaining bikes retreat away behind thier building with the rest of thier force.the other 4 buildings they were it were cleaned out almost completly,the few scum lest getting killed or barley escaping.

"send the tanks and sentinals after them,kill as much as you can,then folllow far but still near enough to not loose them,i will send chimeras to help soon i hope."as the tanks and sentinals go,klimino asks "how heavy do you think we lost commander?"
"overall,medium losses,would of been worse if we hadent had such a good defence."
"hey igo,im giving you a lutinant position."
"what? uh,th-thank you lord,i wont let you down!" smileing klimino turns to him.
"of course you wont,just learn when i do and dont need help." as his commanders and hamster laugh,klimino says "load the chimeras,we are goin after them."
"yes sir lord commissar!"

As they loaded up the chimeras and headed off,they heard fighting not to far off. as they arrived on the battle zone,they saw the tanks and seintenals had cornered the crows.as they unloaded,the crows ran inside the building they were at and when kliminos men entered,the crows had teleported away.
"sir commissar,thy have left."
"i see that..any word from the fleet?"
"none lord commissar,they must of slipped by them."
with a sigh,klimino called in for a pickup. they were done here.as they lifted into the air,he looked out at the dead planet.were they the ones the dark eldar had talked about?no...it had to be someone much worse.

added more,you will see ending soon...i hope.

MOAR MOAR MOOOARRR!!!!! MWAAHAHAHAA AHAAAH AHAHA..... im ok im alright no insane people here....

You need to indent the speech properly...
Example:
*over vox* Hey,hows it going?"

"Good sir,i see less coming every minute,they are-wait,bikes!" all of a sudden,several bikes come around the corner of their building,and slam threw are advancing line,with few getting hit. then,a dreadnought tries coming out of the building,but is demolished by 2 lascannon shots and one auto cannon.
"men,take cover,bikes be back shortly,when you shoot at them,aim a little ways in front of them." as the bikes come back,this time most were out of their way hiding behind stuff,and they run right into a hail of fire,even one heavy artillery round his the middle of them.almost none survive,those that fell off their bikes and lived are quickly gunned down.the few remaining bikes retreat away behind their building with the rest of their force.the other 4 buildings they were it were cleaned out almost completely,the few scum lest getting killed or barley escaping.

You also seriously need to spell check it.
Maybe enter it into Word or something if you can't get a spell checker on your web browser.
Also change the commander to a Lieutenant or lower ranking Officer a Sergeant all the way to Commander is a big step.
Klimino seems... very friendly for a Lord Commissar. Make him a little bit more authoritarian in the battle but outside he can have feeling.

ha ha,ok.ill work on it.but hey,if they get the job done,no reason to be hard.

thats not commisar like just fyi your supposed to be scaryer than the enemy you are fighting and chaos is pretty scary

Yeah, they have to make them men with them fear them more than whatever they are fighting.
Some help morale by being nice but ultimately the threat has to be there. He can help morale by being nice but he still has to be a b*****d when things get tough.