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Orkestra wrote:
THE SPACE EMPORER.


Dur Spass Emprorereror,

Yer a bunch of weedy gits, and so'z yer mother!

Sinzerrly,
Da fishy emperorerer.

P.S. I'm da real emper... ampor... Boss dude. Me an' my fishmen is gonna wipe the floor with yer unless you kill us all. We'z got lots of dakka!

P.P.S. Dis is really a toe dude and really not da orkz. Orkz is great.

Dear Fish Emperor (who is definitely not an Ork),

That is not a question, so should not be submitted to 'Ask the Space Emporer!'

Dear Emperor,

One of my crew became intoxicated during the Warp Jump to Calaxis VII. What should I do with him?

Rouge Trader Orion Falchus

Dear Emperor,

One of my crew became intoxicated during the Warp Jump to Calaxis VII. What should I do with him?

Rouge Trader Orion Falchus


Dear Rouge Trader Orion Falchus,

A raw egg and a good dash of Worcestershire Sauce whipped up in a glass of brandy works wonders.

Don’t waste your best brandy on him though.

Cheers and trebles all round!


Teh Spase Emperor.


Dear The Space Emporer,

I represent the Fishmen hunting community of the Damocles Gulf.

As you know, it is an important part of our traditional culture to hunt the Tuna-faced Fishmen. The proposed ban on Fishmen hunting will seriously damage our livelihood and our traditional way of life.

I therefore implore you in your Imporial wisdom, not to ban Fishmen hunting outright. Couldn’t a sensible quota system be organised instead?

Yours enthusiastically,


Sahpaic Naic
Chairman, the Damocles Gulf Fishmen Hunter’s Union.

Kilkrazy wrote:Dear The Space Emporer,

I represent the Fishmen hunting community of the Damocles Gulf.

As you know, it is an important part of our traditional culture to hunt the Tuna-faced Fishmen. The proposed ban on Fishmen hunting will seriously damage our livelihood and our traditional way of life.

I therefore implore you in your Imporial wisdom, not to ban Fishmen hunting outright. Couldn’t a sensible quota system be organised instead?

Yours enthusiastically,


Sahpaic Naic
Chairman, the Damocles Gulf Fishmen Hunter’s Union.

Dear Sahpaic Naic,

I can't understand why someone would ban Fishmen hunting back in my day I would take all the little Primarchs down to the local Fishen lake a few kegs and then I'd let them run around the edge of the water you know, fething up the ecosystem. Meanwhile I'd get wasted as that's what Fishmen hunting is all about, Russ would sneak up and sneak some away. I knew about it but I let him do it because I'm cool and laidback like that. The Lion however wouldn't stop whining about Russ smashin the crap out of the Fishmen they caught. I mean they'd grb them snap their necks and throw them into the basket and a little drunken Russ would walk up and start punching the crap out of them. At first I though it was Angron again, but he was off punching the crap out of everything else, he has serious issues I wouldn't trust him with beer that's for sure.

Anyway the little hallmonitors, the Inquisition, that claims they're doing "my plan" have a thing about hunting and killing abhumans. You tell them about this and they'll burn the guys making the ban and help you hunt those fishmen. If they want to do something fancy like destroy all the bio-matter there. Just say that the planet would be better for the imperium if you hunted down and killed every last one of them with your bare hands. Then show them this letter if they think about executing you.

The Emperor of Mankind
PS: My real plan is Fishmen hunting while really really drunk.




Dear Emperor,
Why can't you give those hard working Cadians a break next Tuesday? They're so awesome at stopping me I won't even try anything.

Your pal,
Abaddon

n0t_u wrote:

Dear Emperor,
Why can't you give those hard working Cadians a break next Tuesday? They're so awesome at stopping me I won't even try anything.

Your pal,
Abaddon

Dear Abaddon,
Well, I suppose they do need a break. After all, everyone needs to do something relaxing and ridiculously easy every now and again. I can't leave the Cadian Gates unguarded though, I'll need a force capable of stopping your next Bland Crusade. Come to think of it, I saw some schoolgirls in uniforms selling cookies to my Techpriest yesterday. That's it! You'll have to face the Brownies of Battle Troop 416. Be prepared to pay a hefty price- at least 10 Empdollars for a box of cookies. After they've beaten you back into the Blackeye of Terror, you'll at least have some delicious cookies to offer your dark gods.

Sincerely,
Da Emprah!


Light of thousand stars, shining beacon of humanity and other prisoners of the flesh-

I am very much enjoying your guest room in Mars, but find myself being awoken regularly by a psychic beacon in the warp. Would you mind turning it down? As much as I appreciate the worship of your subjects, I am becoming cranky and irritable.I may not be able to control all of the Machine Spirits I've replicated for you- but I really only need to control the one inside your Golden Throne. So let's make it clear- turn the blasted mind light down, or get up out of that chair and pull the curtains in the direction of Mars.

Source of all human achievement,
The Dragon

Light of thousand stars, shining beacon of humanity and other prisoners of the flesh-

I am very much enjoying your guest room in Mars, but find myself being awoken regularly by a psychic beacon in the warp. Would you mind turning it down? As much as I appreciate the worship of your subjects, I am becoming cranky and irritable.I may not be able to control all of the Machine Spirits I've replicated for you- but I really only need to control the one inside your Golden Throne. So let's make it clear- turn the blasted mind light down, or get up out of that chair and pull the curtains in the direction of Mars.

Source of all human achievement,
The Dragon

Dear Dragon - while your machines are entertaining, and I do like your new motion control sensors, you must understand remember that I have vanquished you easily since time immemorial. In fact, if you don't behave, I'll have you producing space puppy training programs for the new line of Imperial data slates - and forward all the fanmail to your address. You see, there are fates worse than death

Anyway, I haven't seen much new from you for a while - getting a bit long in the tooth these days? I got a letter from your old friend The Outsider the other week - so don't go thinking you are the only Star God out there. True, the entire letter was gibberish, involving anatomically horrific and probably impossible suggestions as well as incredibly creative invective. But at least it was fresh. Unlike your latest scheme - another Mark of Space Marine armor with a few studs and cables shifted about. What next, a bolter with a slightly flared nozzle? Landraiders with fluffy dice on the mirrors? GET BACK TO WORK YOU SLACKER!

Sincerely,
The Emperor (your technological pimp).

Dear Dad -

I know we don't talk much any more, but I don't know who else to talk to. I was chilling with Mortarion the other day drinking some majorly toxic brews, and along comes Angron all angry about something. So I'm all like 'I know why you're angry' because I know all of that sort of stuff. And I knew he was going to say something nasty, and he totally did. This whole second sight thing totally sucks - I mean nobody really thinks I am cool, and I look like a total wierdo to most of the brothers, and whats worse is that I know they are going to say mean things, and then they do, so I hear it like twice! Not cool. Plus all my minions aren't really good for much conversation - they are always off stealing books, or just sitting around gathering dust.

So how do I get people to like me more? Should I get a makeover? Fulgrim offered, but he had that wierd grin on that kind of makes me cautious.

Thanks for the advice in advance.

Magnus

lords2001 wrote:Dear Dad -

I know we don't talk much any more, but I don't know who else to talk to. I was chilling with Mortarion the other day drinking some majorly toxic brews, and along comes Angron all angry about something. So I'm all like 'I know why you're angry' because I know all of that sort of stuff. And I knew he was going to say something nasty, and he totally did. This whole second sight thing totally sucks - I mean nobody really thinks I am cool, and I look like a total wierdo to most of the brothers, and whats worse is that I know they are going to say mean things, and then they do, so I hear it like twice! Not cool. Plus all my minions aren't really good for much conversation - they are always off stealing books, or just sitting around gathering dust.

So how do I get people to like me more? Should I get a makeover? Fulgrim offered, but he had that wierd grin on that kind of makes me cautious.

Thanks for the advice in advance.

Magnus

Dear Son with the coolest name,

You follow the freaky bird thing right, it's ike your pet or something I don't really pay much attention. Anyway he's all bout change right? So change everyone else to like you more or change yourself so you're liked more. Or change the ones that don't like you into a version of themselves only on fire and that will set them straight like the good old days.

The Emperor







Dear Jerk,

After seeing your last message I have decided to undo most of this plane of existance or call my brothers or break time. One of those three I'll let you guess.

Seriously hating you forever
Dragon
PS I changed my mailing service so that all that fan mail will be lost forever in the warp of the Imperium's mail service.

Dear Jerk,

After seeing your last message I have decided to undo most of this plane of existance or call my brothers or break time. One of those three I'll let you guess.

Seriously hating you forever
Dragon
PS I changed my mailing service so that all that fan mail will be lost forever in the warp of the Imperium's mail service.

Come on now Drags, you know I'm just kidding around.

Tell you what, I'll make a new 3D movie about you and then we'll be square OK?

The Emp

***************************************************************************************

Dear Chairman Teh Space Emporer

I am outraged, OUTRAGED, at the news that Craftworld Ghu'Gal has ended it's webway service in the Space Empire of Space. They say it's because of Imperial Censorship but don't they realize that the Space Empire only blocks some destinations to protect us from harmful things like the Eye of Terror, the Nose of Horror, the Ork Worlds, the Tau Federation, the Planet of Democracy and the Human Rights System? How dare they stop their service just because a few things are blocked? How will I live without my Gmail (which sends letters through the webway at near instant speed).

What will you do about this?

Mad as Heck on Mercury!

Worry not, worthless servitor. Soon the glorious and divine Imperial censorship will prevent you from ever contacting me again. Regardless, it is in your best interests and will block any sites containing: Pornography, soft core pornography, heretical writings or heretical pornography.

Your very much welcome!
Your favorite corpse.

To Mr Sir Space King

To whom it are concern. The Primarch of the Salamanders recently died and I am in favorable position to control his legion. Unfortunately, Inquisition red tape has made these assets ungettable. If you were to allow me the briefest use of your credit card/savings account/entire space empire I will happily repay you with 10,000 very, untainted guardsmen.
Regards, Vulkan

Nihilistic wrote:

To Mr Sir Space King

To whom it are concern. The Primarch of the Salamanders recently died and I am in favorable position to control his legion. Unfortunately, Inquisition red tape has made these assets ungettable. If you were to allow me the briefest use of your credit card/savings account/entire space empire I will happily repay you with 10,000 very, untainted guardsmen.
Regards, Vulkan

Oh boy! Oh boy! A whole Space Marine Legion and all you want is my bank account number! Soon I'll have Storm Eagles and Magic Flying Dreadnaughts and Paradropping Land Raiders and...

What do you mean the Salamanders don't get that? Well Forget them! And keep your guardsman, I only want Chimeras these days!

The Wise and Wonderful
SE


----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello? Spacey? Is that you?

It better be you and not that Malacore guy, he's always trying to talk to me about my drains.

Anyway it's me. I wanted to remind you that next week is Mother's Day and your Older Brother the Galaxy Emperor is coming over to visit. You'll be coming too right? And please bring the grandkids, I feel like I haven't seen lil Horus in an age. Remember how he used to march around behind you saying he'd be just like you when he grows up? What's he up to these days anyway? He never calls anymore.

So I'll see you Sunday.

Sincerely
The Space Emporer's Mom

Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Hello? Spacey? Is that you?

It better be you and not that Malacore guy, he's always trying to talk to me about my drains.

Anyway it's me. I wanted to remind you that next week is Mother's Day and your Older Brother the Galaxy Emperor is coming over to visit. You'll be coming too right? And please bring the grandkids, I feel like I haven't seen lil Horus in an age. Remember how he used to march around behind you saying he'd be just like you when he grows up? What's he up to these days anyway? He never calls anymore.

So I'll see you Sunday.

Sincerely
The Space Emporer's Mom

Dear Mommy,

Unfortunately, it will be eons before I get a chance to come see you and Dad Space Emperor again. And yes, I still won't acknowledge Dad Space Emperor as my father...ever. I still know what you and Universe Emperor did, and I still believe that that Big Bang you slurred out of a cup of your fifth Shirley Temple had more to creating me than that Little Bang Dad Space Emperor always brings up when he believes he proudly conceived of me.

And as you may or may not know depending on what pills and/or intoxicating drinks you may be on, I am strapped to a frickin' PLANET with nut-bags worshipping me as if I could save them, and my consciousness drifts here and there, depending on what I have not seen yet of this Universe Empreror-forsaken Universe. Enclosed is a picture of my latest adventure to the Eskimo Nebula. It was fun.

And as for Horus. Well, he's dead. The little bastard was pretending to be a power ranger, STABBED me several hundred times with that little power ranger sword everyone thinks is completely harmless, and I eviscerated the little fether and mounted his body on the wall of his space ship. He won't be marching around anytime too soon. I swear that child was a little hellspawn, and those next door Chaos neighbors corrupted him with their liberal hippy talk and love of violent news media. Suffice to say, I'm forever entombed because of my failure as a parent to which I directly blame you.

And all the other little fethers I sired; well I can't rightly say I got ahold of them, but a few car accidents, overdoses, murder-suicides, and acts of Universe Emperor took care of them. No child support payments for me.

And I hope this letter I am sending two minutes before the post offices close on the day before Mothers Day never reaches you, as may the fates will be merciful and see you ODed somewhere by the slot machines.

Sincerely,

Don't talk to me ever.

P.S.

Here is that picture I promised you:





Dear Emperor,

I do not know where you get off thinking that you are the Space Emperor. Well yeah clearly your name is Space Emperor, but it is really not your title. It should be mine, as I am clearly the superior leader. It was I who won the 2008 United States presidential election. It was I who spent hundreds of billions of dollar of tax payer money to bankrupt the economy. I also forced everyone to get healthcare even if they don't like it. I also said some harsh words to Iran and North Korea, and because of it I won a Nobel Peace Prize and they have weapons of mass destruction they can use against the United States.

Tell me what you have done over the last 10,000 years?

Your silence says it all.

Please refrain from using the Title of Space Emperor as it rightly belongs to me and I will take harsh measures such as strongly worded statements to convince you otherwise.

Your friend,

Barack "The One True Space Emperor" Obama

Dear Emperor,

I do not know where you get off thinking that you are the Space Emperor. Well yeah clearly your name is Space Emperor, but it is really not your title. It should be mine, as I am clearly the superior leader. It was I who won the 2008 United States presidential election. It was I who spent hundreds of billions of dollar of tax payer money to bankrupt the economy. I also forced everyone to get healthcare even if they don't like it. I also said some harsh words to Iran and North Korea, and because of it I won a Nobel Peace Prize and they have weapons of mass destruction they can use against the United States.

Tell me what you have done over the last 10,000 years?

Your silence says it all.

Please refrain from using the Title of Space Emperor as it rightly belongs to me and I will take harsh measures such as strongly worded statements to convince you otherwise.

Your friend,

Barack "The One True Space Emperor" Obama

Get in line kid, get in line. I not only have Ming 'Rightful Ruler of the Universe' D'Merciless suing my gold-plated butt, I also have Johnny 'The Emperor' Palpatine claiming I stole his act.

Besides I've been around like 40,000 years, who's to say you're not really me?

The Even More One True Space Emporer (note spelling) of Space!

=========================================================================

Dear the Most Glorious One,

I understand if you're a little upset. I mean blowing up our own Fortress Monestary was kind of a dork move. But how long do we have to live it down? First you put in Rogue Trader for all the world to see, now you put out a 500 page novel about it!

Really we should not be treated this way! I mean we're the Blue and Red Space Marines! We were on the cover of Rogue Trader! We like have all the powers of a Blue Space Marine, plus all the powers of a Red Space Marine. It's like Combat Tactics/Furious Charge/Deep Striking Land Raider power!

So can we please have a codex now? I promise we'll never blow up our own Fortress Monestary again.

Love
Pedro

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Most Glorious One,

I understand if you're a little upset. I mean blowing up our own Fortress Monestary was kind of a dork move. But how long do we have to live it down? First you put in Rogue Trader for all the world to see, now you put out a 500 page novel about it!

Really we should not be treated this way! I mean we're the Blue and Red Space Marines! We were on the cover of Rogue Trader! We like have all the powers of a Blue Space Marine, plus all the powers of a Red Space Marine. It's like Combat Tactics/Furious Charge/Deep Striking Land Raider power!

So can we please have a codex now? I promise we'll never blow up our own Fortress Monestary again.

Love
Pedro

Dear Pedro,

You should know that blowing up your own fortress is something extremely (x2) stupid. And something that annoys me (x2) even more is
that you never seem to build a new one! C'mon! It's been like 100 years! So stop whining and build a monastery. Besides, being a Blue/Red
Space Marine Isn't good. It's a blend of my favourite daughter and my most useless son. Not Good.

As punishment for being totally unable to stop an Ork invasion, I have decided that from now on your armour shall be the
colour purple, in dubious honour of your ancestors, Sangy and Rowboat.

Love, The Space Emporer
====================================================================================

Dear Space Emporer Of Spaceyness

As my brothers the red maniacs have recently been very succesful, I have noticed that the activities of the glorious
First Legion have somehow stalled. We are receiving fewer and fewer recruits, and more and more of our brethren are starting
to ignore us.

Therefore, I have decided to ask you if you could do us a small favor. Our Servitors have analyzed the situation and
we need approximately 500000000000000000000000 Credits to stabilize our economy. Thanks for listening.

Yours sincerely,
Commander Azrael

Dear Space Emporer Of Spaceyness

As my brothers the red maniacs have recently been very succesful, I have noticed that the activities of the glorious
First Legion have somehow stalled. We are receiving fewer and fewer recruits, and more and more of our brethren are starting
to ignore us.

Therefore, I have decided to ask you if you could do us a small favor. Our Servitors have analyzed the situation and
we need approximately 500000000000000000000000 Credits to stabilize our economy. Thanks for listening.

Yours sincerely,
Commander Azrael



I shall always help my brothers in need! For material wealth means nothing if the universe is purged of heretical taint forever!
Would like that in cash, check, or credit? Please respond if which to recieve my most glorious and giving donation!



Dear Space Emporer ,

How many licks does it take to get the center of a tooties pop?

Sincerely, X'avier

Generalian wrote:
Dear Space Emporer ,

How many licks does it take to get the center of a tooties pop?

Sincerely, X'avier

You... you... BASTARD! You know Horus burned off my tongue! Just for that you're not a special character anymore!

Space OUT!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer

Like my daddy and his daddy and his daddy before him I grew up as a sportsman. For me there's nothing like being out in the woods with my buddies, a few cold beers and my weapon.

We sit and wait and than we hear it, a twig breaking maybe, or a leaf rustling and then they appear, beautiful, graceful, long legged Space Elfs doing their sacred chicken dance. With a soft crack of my gun I see one drop, it makes a soft EEK sound and I run over to slit its throat.

This has been a rite of passage for us for longer than I know.

But now I worry that my kids and my grand kids may not get the chance I did.

Every year we see fewer and fewer Space Elfs. For example the Dark Space Elf who once roamed free throughout space has almost completely disappeared.

Much as I hate to say I think the time has come to put hunting limits in place to protect the remaining stocks of Space Elfs and allow them to replenish their numbers.

Sincerely
Sportsman on Syrius

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Space Emporer

Like my daddy and his daddy and his daddy before him I grew up as a sportsman. For me there's nothing like being out in the woods with my buddies, a few cold beers and my weapon.

We sit and wait and than we hear it, a twig breaking maybe, or a leaf rustling and then they appear, beautiful, graceful, long legged Space Elfs doing their sacred chicken dance. With a soft crack of my gun I see one drop, it makes a soft EEK sound and I run over to slit its throat.

This has been a rite of passage for us for longer than I know.

But now I worry that my kids and my grand kids may not get the chance I did.

Every year we see fewer and fewer Space Elfs. For example the Dark Space Elf who once roamed free throughout space has almost completely disappeared.

Much as I hate to say I think the time has come to put hunting limits in place to protect the remaining stocks of Space Elfs and allow them to replenish their numbers.

Sincerely
Sportsman on Syrius

Dear "Can't Be Serious On Syrius,"

Had you spent a little less time traipsing about in the bush like some Feral World savage and a little more time inside of Space Church listening to all the nice things that my dear son Lorgar wrote about me you'd perhaps understand that exterminating xenos is what we humans are all about. You see, your children may well have to pass on bagging their very own "Space Elf" (sigh) in favor of humanity's continuing dominance over the galaxy. Tragic I know. Despite the inconvenience, please try to understand. Actually, don't worry about it. I'll be sending over an Inqui--ah, Public Relations Representative straight away to explain this in further detail. Don't be too upset. I promise to provide you with a new hobby. Have you ever ridden in a Penitent Engine before? Jolly good past time, that. Very bracing and even good for the soul, so they say. The PR Rep will get you started, I'm sure.

Your Own Personal Saviour,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

---------------------------------------------------

Mighty One,

I will be graduating Schola Progenium next year (thank You again for the generous scholarship) and want to pull a really smashing senior prank. People have been talking for over a century about how Ciaphas Cain smeared the lining of Abbot-Headmaster Cadema's augmetic dentures with Bengay right before the Commencement Sermon. And who could forget Torquemada Coteaz blasting the entire Lucius & The Noise Marines greatest hits album over the Laud-Hailers during the Advanced Theological Rhetoric exam? No need of course to go into when Creed reprogrammed all of the Schola's janitorial servitors. So, Divine Majesty, You can appreciate that I have many a fine shenanigan to measure up against next year if I'm to one day join this great litany of heroes. But, thought I, if anyone knows how I could establish a lasting legacy it would certainly be our Immortal God-Emperor. (I do apologize for troubling Your Divine Majesty with this matter but I have not been able to reach Lukas the Trickster.)

Sincerely,

A Very Grateful Progena

Dear Progena:
I might recommend sending an anonymous datafile to the Ordo Xenos alerting them that 'someone' has spiked the refreshments with Genestealer DNA. I of course would wait until the festivities are well under way. Bonus points if you can get the Inquisitors to show up just after the senior staff has taken part, but before your classmates.


Dear Space Emperor:
I am eight. I learned in school that chance is just another word for chaos. Does that mean that its heretical for people to make decisions by flipping a coin? Since they are really using the forces of chaos to determine their course in life? I never use chaos, but I wonder if I should start using my Junior Inquisitor's Kit to start interrogating my friends and their board "games" with their "dice." Of course, I would need to get a real flaming brand rather than the plastic one that came with my kit...

Any advice would be helpful. Thank you!

Sincerely, an Inquisitive Youth

Jimsolo wrote:


Dear Space Emperor:
I am eight. I learned in school that chance is just another word for chaos. Does that mean that its heretical for people to make decisions by flipping a coin? Since they are really using the forces of chaos to determine their course in life? I never use chaos, but I wonder if I should start using my Junior Inquisitor's Kit to start interrogating my friends and their board "games" with their "dice." Of course, I would need to get a real flaming brand rather than the plastic one that came with my kit...

Any advice would be helpful. Thank you!

Sincerely, an Inquisitive Youth

Eight you say, what are you still doing in school? YOu some kind of brainiac or something? Some kind of whinny snotty momma's boy too good to work in the mines? You should be out helping support your family while you're still small and skinny enough to fit down a ventalator shaft!

Anyway I myself like relax with a couple of games of Warhammer 2k, blackjack or roulette, though the Custodeus always let me win so I guess it's OK. Unless of course you want to say you doubt the purity of the Space Emporer? And you don't want to say that do you?

Didn't think so.

Your overbearing taskmaster
TSE

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer

The other day I was having dinner with my BFF Eldrad (he says bet on black BTW) and my other BFF the Silent King (he says ...). We were talking about all the good times we've had together fighting the Tyranids, that weekend in Space Vegas, the naked water polo with the scouts, good times, good times. So Eldrad asks how I feel about all those comments about my chapter that the nerds on the internet are making. And I'm like what comments? And Eldrad's like I knew you were going to say that. So he takes out his iphone and shows me all these nerds on the internet saying my chapter is broken and that I'm cheesey!

Why would they such a thing?

So I called my other other BFF Calgar but he was too busy crying because he's not me to answer.

So I come to you, my other, other, other BFF. Why are people saying these things? Shouldn't they just love me?

Yours
The Sanguinor

PS You still up for Warhammer 2k next week?

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Space Emporer

The other day I was having dinner with my BFF Eldrad (he says bet on black BTW) and my other BFF the Silent King (he says ...). We were talking about all the good times we've had together fighting the Tyranids, that weekend in Space Vegas, the naked water polo with the scouts, good times, good times. So Eldrad asks how I feel about all those comments about my chapter that the nerds on the internet are making. And I'm like what comments? And Eldrad's like I knew you were going to say that. So he takes out his iphone and shows me all these nerds on the internet saying my chapter is broken and that I'm cheesey!

Why would they such a thing?

So I called my other other BFF Calgar but he was too busy crying because he's not me to answer.

So I come to you, my other, other, other BFF. Why are people saying these things? Shouldn't they just love me?

Yours
The Sanguinor

PS You still up for Warhammer 2k next week?

Dear Sanguinor,

People are making these comments about you because you belong to a chapter full of strange stuff.
I mean, seriously, Deep Striking Land Raiders? And why are you refusing to share your STC with those
cogheads from Mars that pretend to like me? Keeping the STC for yourselves is Heresy.

And why do you have naked water polo with the scouts? And why did'nt you kill those Necrons?
They're evil fragging automatons, for Emporers sake. But you just shook hands and left.

So take your strange sexual tendencies and hippie policy and report to the nearest Inquisition office
for immidiate purging. You'll make a wonderful Arco-flaggellant.

Yours truly,

The Space Emporer

P.S. Can't we play Warhammer Feudal World instead?
=======================================================================

Dear Emperor,

There is something that has been annoying me for a while. Ever since May last year,
whenever I step into a room everybody starts screaming CREEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!
Why are people doing this? Should I be worried?

Ursarkar E Creed

Dear Emperor,

There is something that has been annoying me for a while. Ever since May last year,
whenever I step into a room everybody starts screaming CREEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!
Why are people doing this? Should I be worried?

Ursarkar E Creed

Creed, you are in fact a heretic. The plebs have mistaken your abilities WHICH ONLY EXIST BECAUSE OF ME THE EMPEROR as your own. This cannot stand. The only name to be shouted is MINE. The EMPEROOOOOOOR! I have sent 6000 assassins to your location. Only some kind of Tactical Genius could survive.. Since I am the only one in existence, you are dead.

Regards

THE EMPEROOOOOOOOOOOOOR!


xxxxxxxxx


Dear space Emperor

I wished for a sister of battle to ravage me on Emperor's Day. Yet it still hasn't happened. I thought you granted wishes.. I heard there are other invisible sky wizard who do. But I don't want to abandon you!

What do?

Inquisitor Torquemada.

Shaman wrote:Dear space Emperor

I wished for a sister of battle to ravage me on Emperor's Day. Yet it still hasn't happened. I thought you granted wishes.. I heard there are other invisible sky wizard who do. But I don't want to abandon you!

What do?

Inquisitor Torquemada.

Dear Coteaz,

As a senior member of the Inquisition, it is your job to prevent peoples wishes from coming true. After all, we both know
what that Tzeentch creep next door did to poor Magnus, but hey, he was a nerd so who cares. So, to prevent your wish from
coming true, you must:

1. Kill me.

2. Kill yourself.

3. Kill all Battle Sisters in the galaxy.

As Mr. Sanguinor is already sewing your ass for stealing his armour, I recommend option 2. 2 problems in 1 go, you know.

With Love,

The Space Emporer
======================================================================================

Dear Lord,

About 20 standard Terran years ago there existed a very friendly Xenos species out here. We called them the
Squats. Trade was blooming, and although our local Inquisitor almost gakked fire there was inter-species marriage.

But then, the Tyranids came. Hive Fleet Jervis Johnson completely wiped out our short friends, and our sector fell into despair.

So dear Emperor, who shall we trade and mate with now?

/ Sad man on the Eastern Fringe.

Ediin wrote:Dear Lord,

About 20 standard Terran years ago there existed a very friendly Xenos species out here. We called them the
Squats. Trade was blooming, and although our local Inquisitor almost gakked fire there was inter-species marriage.

But then, the Tyranids came. Hive Fleet Jervis Johnson completely wiped out our short friends, and our sector fell into despair.

So dear Emperor, who shall we trade and mate with now?

/ Sad man on the Eastern Fringe.

You disgust me heretic! Conspiring with xenos, and the thought of inter-species breeding? Thou must be purged. The Imperium of Me should trade and mate with itself, strengthening it's grip around the universe, and leading humanity into glory.

Love,
The Space Emperor.

Dear The Space Emperor,

Why are pickle jars so damn difficult to open?

S_P

Space_Potato wrote:Dear The Space Emperor,

Why are pickle jars so damn difficult to open?

Dear servant,

Although your standard Mars pattern bayonet is useless in a fight, it is actually designed to be an awesome
pickle jar opener. You can thank the tech priests for that. Next time a can opener is all that stands between
you and a messy death at the hands of a Ork, send up a prayer to me.

Sincerely,

The Space Emporer
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emporer,

Our chapter has a very serious problem. Not only do we suffer from the Rage, but the Red Thirst is becoming
more and more common. Even the Scouts have started to show symptoms, as they're watching that damned Twilight movie
over and over again.
So dear Lord, what shall we do?

Gabriel Seth

Ediin wrote:

Dear Emporer,

Our chapter has a very serious problem. Not only do we suffer from the Rage, but the Red Thirst is becoming
more and more common. Even the Scouts have started to show symptoms, as they're watching that damned Twilight movie
over and over again.
So dear Lord, what shall we do?

Gabriel Seth

Dear Seth,

SETH OLD BOY! How's tricks for the beloved son of my beloved daughter! Do you like the new airplanes I sent over to you? Pretty awesome huh? I'd tool around in them myself if it wasn't for this planet-sized life support chair thingy I'm stuck in but hey I know old Sanny tried realy hard to save me so no hard feelings right?

Anyway if i was you I'd just relax and go for it. So waht if your scouts are all becoming weepy little girls the important thing is Red Space Marine merch is selling like crazy, why in a few more months I can afford to get this chair of mine fixed and at the end of the day isn't that what really matters?

Yours in Merchandising,

The Space Marketer

*******************************************

Most glorious master

Oh luminous one whose will is like a beacon unto the stars, please favor me with a small answer.

Recently while purging a sinister cult my personal copy of the Daemon Hunter Codex was accidentally burned when one of my little midget guys was hit with a flamer. My savant tells me however that the Daemon Hunter Codex is now available on the Integrated Cognator Web Matrix Network (Inter-net). However when he transcribed it I found two vital pages missing, those that allowed for me to induct Imperial Guard units. We have checked numerous times and those pages are apparently gone, even the page numbers have been altered.

However when I inquired to Holy Terra I was told I may continue to use allies, but only if I own an original codex. Is this so? I ask because the reply came via Astropathic Emission Mail (e-mail) and I am uncertain of the validity. Therefore before I spend my hard-earned starbucks buying an old Codex from the Extra-Solar Business Assembly Yard (e-bay) I wish to confirm that I may still induct guardsmen into my army.

Yours in all humility
Inquisitor Killicus Omnius Immedius

Most glorious master

Oh luminous one whose will is like a beacon unto the stars, please favor me with a small answer.

Recently while purging a sinister cult my personal copy of the Daemon Hunter Codex was accidentally burned when one of my little midget guys was hit with a flamer. My savant tells me however that the Daemon Hunter Codex is now available on the Integrated Cognator Web Matrix Network (Inter-net). However when he transcribed it I found two vital pages missing, those that allowed for me to induct Imperial Guard units. We have checked numerous times and those pages are apparently gone, even the page numbers have been altered.

However when I inquired to Holy Terra I was told I may continue to use allies, but only if I own an original codex. Is this so? I ask because the reply came via Astropathic Emission Mail (e-mail) and I am uncertain of the validity. Therefore before I spend my hard-earned starbucks buying an old Codex from the Extra-Solar Business Assembly Yard (e-bay) I wish to confirm that I may still induct guardsmen into my army.

Yours in all humility
Inquisitor Killicus Omnius Immedius

Killicus..

I have two words for you SPEES MAREENS! The Imperium of Man is all about closed mindedness and doing what you are told. Your current forces are not space marines? Destroy them. Independent and creative thought leads to heresy! Are you a heretic Killicus? You best not be one. Moaning because I fail to support you niche army only feeds the Chaos gods. Plus I'm sure you are aware SPEES MAREENS come in a variety of flavors.

Don't be a heretic Killicus
Emperorororororororor!


Dear space man.

Whats your starsign? Are you dating anyone?

Dreamy in Hydra 9.

Shaman wrote:Dear space man.

Whats your starsign? Are you dating anyone?

Dreamy in Hydra 9.

Actually, as I'm the lord of everything, I belong to all starsigns.
As for your other question, I dont have the time or physical possibility to date,
as I'm actually dead and strapped to a chair while someone feeds me psykers all day long
through a feeding tube. Awful, I know.
If you still need a romance, you can ENLIST IN THE IMPERIAL GUARD!! Sadly I have to use
upper case lettering when I write that because of our stupid propaganda policy, which I wrote.

Yours Truly,

The Space Emporer
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emporer,

Why cant you be a nice dude and let a guy devour some worlds? Whenever I want to land and get some supplies
you start SHOOTING AT ME. And then I have to assemble all of my parts and attack your gakking planet.
You dont want a war with me, Emporer. Because this one time, when the Iron Warriors had a new world,
they unleashed 6000(that's right) Defilers on me. But then I was like ''Chill Dude'' and devoured them
with my 30000000 Trygons.

Also, in my new book it says that certain parts of me called ''Leviathan'' (where the hell do they get these names?) have entered
the Segmentum Solar, where you live. I guess we'll be seing each other soon then.

So instead of fighting towards your imminent doom, I have a tender proposition. You pay me 5 worlds a day and I'll let you live.
After all, the book says that I'm really in a good position to negotiate, being like 50 clicks from Terra is a really good threat.

So do you accept, or do I consume you?

/ Hive Mind

Dear Space Emporer,

Why cant you be a nice dude and let a guy devour some worlds? Whenever I want to land and get some supplies
you start SHOOTING AT ME. And then I have to assemble all of my parts and attack your gakking planet.
You dont want a war with me, Emporer. Because this one time, when the Iron Warriors had a new world,
they unleashed 6000(that's right) Defilers on me. But then I was like ''Chill Dude'' and devoured them
with my 30000000 Trygons.

Also, in my new book it says that certain parts of me called ''Leviathan'' (where the hell do they get these names?) have entered
the Segmentum Solar, where you live. I guess we'll be seing each other soon then.

So instead of fighting towards your imminent doom, I have a tender proposition. You pay me 5 worlds a day and I'll let you live.
After all, the book says that I'm really in a good position to negotiate, being like 50 clicks from Terra is a really good threat.

So do you accept, or do I consume you?

/ Hive Mind

Mr Mind.

I'll have you know the Space Emperor From the Space Empire never bows to outside hostile forces. In fact I would go as far to say you will never defeat me, I'm THAT MAGNIFICENT! See when you get to be as powerful as me you have this awesome ability the Chaos Gods, Orks Gods, C'tan and you don't have.

Ready you big gribbly?

You stop plot advancement. I STOP TIME ITSELF. So nothing you or the Ctan or the Chaos gods can do will make any difference. Time has stopped. So as you can see its hopeless for you. You might as well not have a codex. I'm going to reccomend Emperor's workshop replace you line with Lizard space marines. And you know what they will sell. Better then you do. The propaganda in you codex is nothing.

Have fun never winning

E


----------

Dear Imperial ruler.

I have petitioned you several times. Its seems you disregard me. Why? Refusing to meet with an Ethereal is very rude. I just wanna tell you about the greater good!

Lets do Lunch!

Aun'Pa

Shaman wrote:

Dear Imperial ruler.

I have petitioned you several times. Its seems you disregard me. Why? Refusing to meet with an Ethereal is very rude. I just wanna tell you about the greater good!

Lets do Lunch!

Aun'Pa

Dear Mr. Pa

I am so sorry! You must understand the Emporing All of Space is a very big job (you probably don't know that because you Commie Fish Men (as we call you in our language) only rule a tiny, little bit of space that could really fit into a corner of my Empire of Space) so I can't possibly see you in person what with my saving all of space (including your tiny little corner of it) from the space demons (who'll eat your souls) and holding reality together by force of will alone. No, no, just too busy for social meetings.

But I tell you what my close and personal friend Inquisitor Killicus Omnius Immedius is free so why don't I send him and all his inducted guardsmen friends (who by the way are still legal) to go have a chat with you?

Heh, heh, heh.

Opps, sorry, forget I said Heh, heh, heh.

Yours
Imperiator Omnius Spacicus

---------------------------------------
It's that time again!

Stompball time!

I can't believe it's only been 4 years since Space Italy won but now it's time for another Galactic Cup Tournament!

It's already been exciting what with the Cadian Gatesmen losing to the Catachan Devils and the Mordian Pretty Boys leaving without a win. Who do you think will take it? Will the Frensian Wolves beat the Ultramar Blue Wave or will the Rynn's World Fists continue their surprising streak?

I love the Stompball Galactic Cup! Don't you?

Stompball Fan #1

Kid_Kyoto wrote:It's that time again!

Stompball time!

I can't believe it's only been 4 years since Space Italy won but now it's time for another Galactic Cup Tournament!

It's already been exciting what with the Cadian Gatesmen losing to the Catachan Devils and the Mordian Pretty Boys leaving without a win. Who do you think will take it? Will the Frensian Wolves beat the Ultramar Blue Wave or will the Rynn's World Fists continue their surprising streak?

I love the Stompball Galactic Cup! Don't you?

Stompball Fan #1

You are definately correct Stompball Fan #1 this has been one of the best Stompball Galactic Cup Tournaments in the last 100 space years. But as any real stompball fan knows the BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Myself Dammit! Someone shoot that bloody noise marine with the vuvuzela!

Well SF1 It looks like some people have to ruin it for the rest of us. Let that be a lesson to you the future is very grimdark even for the ear holes.

T.S.E.


________________________________________________________

Dear Space Emporer

Who is more powerful? You or the Space Pope?

I want to know so i can send my bribe .. err .. ahh, tithe to the propper reliegous person.

B. Bending Rodriegus

Dear Space Emporer

Who is more powerful? You or the Space Pope?

I want to know so i can send my bribe .. err .. ahh, tithe to the propper reliegous person.

B. Bending Rodriegus

Hmm, a very good question Mr. Rodriguez, and one I must ponder at some length.

Perhaps we need the Tau Space Pope to come to Holy Terra so he and I and my vast legions of Custodeus can discuss it.

Yes, I think that would be best. Heh, heh, heh.

Opps.

Please forget I said heh, heh, heh.

Your pal
Teh

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sergeant Mc Space Emperor Sir!

Sarge, I think I'm in it, I think I'm in deep.

You might remember me, Trooper 1st Class Ralph Ramco Sir! I fought the vicious greenskins for ten years in the Slime Swamps of Slimeworld VII. After killing my me 1000th greenskin you gave me an honorable discharge and sent me back home to the sweet sweet soil of Hiveworld 34. But when I got to the space port no one was waiting for me so I had to take the zoomway back home, but when I got there I learned that mom and dad died in a refinery explosion a few years back. I guess that's why they stopped writing me huh?

So I asked about Sally. You remember my gal Sally right? I had a picture of her I kept in my flak vest all 10 years, all the time dreaming of the day I'd get my discharge and come home cause she promised she'd wait for me, promised she'd wait for me forever.

Well it turns out she got married a year after I left, to my best friend Tony. They even had 3 kids together those lying little... anyway I sorted her out. Sorted them both out. And their filthy mongrel kids. Me and my knife sorted them out good. Heh, heh, heh.

But that's not why I'm writing you today Sarge. It's what happened after I sorted them out. I was walking in the Commerictorium when all the sudden I look around and I realize I'm surrounded by greenskins! The grocer was a secret greenskin, the customer was a secret greenskin, even the little school girl next to me. All of them were greenskins!

Now I hate to admit it but I kind of lost my cool for a minute there, started screaming and hitting them quick and hard just like you told me to sarge. So then a greenskin disguised as one of the Emperor's Arbites comes charging up, well I wasn't fooled. I jabbed my little knife under his jaw bone pretty as you please and yanked away his shoota which looked just like a lawgiver shotcannon. Well with that in my hands I took down a good number of those secret greenskins. But I could hear more of them coming in their looted rhinos and looted chimeras so I blasted open a waste grate and slipped it, just like those grot tunnels back on Slimeworld VII. Slipped away like a ghost, holed up here. Since then I found a couple more greenskins, some of them dressed like sewer workers, one group even dressed like PDF, but I took them out.

But I can't do it alone sarge. I just can't. the whole planet is overrun, even the governor is a greenskin. I need help! So please help me Sarge, send reinformcements, send titans, just help me save my world!

Yours
Veteran from Vega

Sergeant Mc Space Emperor Sir!

Sarge, I think I'm in it, I think I'm in deep.

You might remember me, Trooper 1st Class Ralph Ramco Sir! I fought the vicious greenskins for ten years in the Slime Swamps of Slimeworld VII. After killing my me 1000th greenskin you gave me an honorable discharge and sent me back home to the sweet sweet soil of Hiveworld 34. But when I got to the space port no one was waiting for me so I had to take the zoomway back home, but when I got there I learned that mom and dad died in a refinery explosion a few years back. I guess that's why they stopped writing me huh?

So I asked about Sally. You remember my gal Sally right? I had a picture of her I kept in my flak vest all 10 years, all the time dreaming of the day I'd get my discharge and come home cause she promised she'd wait for me, promised she'd wait for me forever.

Well it turns out she got married a year after I left, to my best friend Tony. They even had 3 kids together those lying little... anyway I sorted her out. Sorted them both out. And their filthy mongrel kids. Me and my knife sorted them out good. Heh, heh, heh.

But that's not why I'm writing you today Sarge. It's what happened after I sorted them out. I was walking in the Commerictorium when all the sudden I look around and I realize I'm surrounded by greenskins! The grocer was a secret greenskin, the customer was a secret greenskin, even the little school girl next to me. All of them were greenskins!

Now I hate to admit it but I kind of lost my cool for a minute there, started screaming and hitting them quick and hard just like you told me to sarge. So then a greenskin disguised as one of the Emperor's Arbites comes charging up, well I wasn't fooled. I jabbed my little knife under his jaw bone pretty as you please and yanked away his shoota which looked just like a lawgiver shotcannon. Well with that in my hands I took down a good number of those secret greenskins. But I could hear more of them coming in their looted rhinos and looted chimeras so I blasted open a waste grate and slipped it, just like those grot tunnels back on Slimeworld VII. Slipped away like a ghost, holed up here. Since then I found a couple more greenskins, some of them dressed like sewer workers, one group even dressed like PDF, but I took them out.

But I can't do it alone sarge. I just can't. the whole planet is overrun, even the governor is a greenskin. I need help! So please help me Sarge, send reinformcements, send titans, just help me save my world!

Yours
Veteran from Vega