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So some more fluff for you guys. My previous attempt failed so lets see if anyone likes this:

Battle Saints Part 1 of my fanfic short:

Jariyon looked out upon the battlefield where bolter fire wreaked havoc along the heretics' forward line. As chief librarian of the Battle Saints it was his sacred duty to protect his brothers from the rage injected fusions of chaos that constantly attempted to break the iron will of the librarian. The heretics had overthrown the imperial guard forces that had attempted to protect the planet from falling to the twisted beings and now the forces of chaos, both psychic and physical, preyed on the helpless guardsmen who were assisting the Battle Saints reclaim Rethon IX. However, the Battle Saints chapter were a bastion against the strongest heretics and all those who crossed them fell to either bolter fire or the swing of a predatory blade, eager to spill the blood of the heretics in the name of the emperor. Not one being on the battlefield, friend or foe would have recognised the Battle Saints as the very same chapter who had so nearly been declared excommunicate traitoris by the high lords of Terra. Even within the battle saints themselves there were few battle brothers who knew the secret. Of how their beloved chapter master had nearly destroyed Holy Terra, the cradle of mankind. Indeed, to speak of such things would mean a lifetime of imprisonment in the bare rock cells of the Battle Saints space bound fortress monastery The redeemer or, in most cases a bullet in the back of your head from an unknown assassin. The Battle Saints were brutal, but unlike the rest of the chapters that had been with them on that fateful campaign on Belmakor, they had survived and not fallen to chaos. A sudden flash of searing fiery light pulled Jariyon out of his memories and into a protective battle stance. He looked up as the thunderhawk gunship plunged out of the sky, flames billowing like a sail in the sea's wind as it plunged into the ground.
''ETA 7 minutes brother-captain Oredus.'' The pilot stated calmly despite being in the middle of a heated dogfight where he was the underdog.
''Thank you Sevastus.'' replied the brother-captain. His trusted second in command lieutenant Gravvus was next to him waiting for the moment when the vanguard veterans would plunge into the middle of the battle below. The steady thump of anti aircraft fire steadily drew closer and closer until some of even these battle hardened elites shifted uncomfortably in their drop seats.
''Getting cold feet?'' laughed Gravvus in an apparently care free voice. But even he was getting nervous. They shouldn't of been this close to the enemy artillery.
Suddenly a shell ripped straight into the hull pulling two veterans out of the craft. A third, brother Jamello clung with one power gauntleted fist to the edge of the gap.
''Speak of a cliche!'' Replied Jamello before plunging to the ground. The gunship smashed into the heretics just as Oredus was about to give the order to abandon ship. Oredus tried to brace himself but it was to late. They were all going to die...



P.S. I know that the bit about why the chapter nearly fell to chaos isn't explained but thats to male you read on. If you actually want to

May as well start the second part:

3000 years earlier. Belmakor.

A'Drian, newly instated Archon of the Stone Rose Kabal looked out upon the skiffs that sped like deadly darts towards their prey. The tinge of pain was still keen upon his mind despite the many hours that had passed since the Mon-Keigh commander had fallen to his poisoned blade. At the instance of the kill, the pure, raw emotion had almost intoxicated him and A'Drian had lingered breathing in the last convulsions of the mon-keigh's soul. Now, as the ravager sped towards the Cadian forces gathered around Arkangel, several of the revered archon's incubi activated their weapons while the succubus Krarnon began chanting a verse of the mistress of blades holy blessings. The words carried through all the minds of the wyches that were accompanying A'Drian on his dark quest. A rune flashed red and Shastul the archon's second in command spoke directly to A'Drian. ''We fall upon the Human scum in exactly five minutes my lord.''

''Very good, Shastul, pass the word to my commanders! We strike hard and fast. All who survive are taken! All who fall are but instruments to our eternal victory.''

''Yes revered one!''

Of all the kabals, the followers of A'Drian were the most, if you could put it that way 'religious' of the kabals in that they worshipped several of the dark muses and chanted holy scriptures written by the kabal's heroes. A'Drian's particular favourite was verse XVIII of the holy book of torment, even more so because of the dark amusement A'Drian took when he remembered that this was written by Druzkhar the very archon he had killed to get to his position. The walls of Arkangel loomed up on the, almost ethereal looking horizon and darklight and shard weapons were primed. Of the hellion gangs and reaver jetbikes that had accompanied them, there was no sign as they were to attack from the rear and cause pain and suffering while the kabalite's and wyches took the mon-keigh's prisoner.

General Bythantius of the Cadian 913rd gazed in terrified awe as the eclipse placed the planet into shadow, was this some terrible tactic that would be used by the xenos? To block out the light so that they could slowly kill the world? Then the newly instated commissar saw the sleek craft emerging from portals of unlight and realised what was happening.

''Man the guns!! In the name of the emperor and all that is holy bring those things down!''

Shards of speeding metal rained down on the imperial forces and artillery roared in answer to the hiss of the adder like slithers of death. Then beams of black light shot out from cannons and slowly burnt through the artillery until only three quad guns remained. Then the astartes were there. Deemed to important to lose due to its strategic position near Holy Terra belmakor was always protected. But the foul xenos were not the reason that the Battle Saints, malevolent scars, storm swords and maleficent slayers were there, no, the huge military might of the combined chapters was there to protect the world from the impending second crusade of Abbadon the warmaster. And Belmakor was the perfect place to start...

*coughs on his cup of tea* Your chapter nearly destroyed Terra!?......I know it's fan-fiction but I think you may be taking it a bit too far with that part of your background. I found it near impossible to read on from there. Plus, turning down the awesomeness of your chapter by adding a few losses will help people from not switching off.

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:
*coughs on his cup of tea* Your chapter nearly destroyed Terra!?......I know it's fan-fiction but I think you may be taking it a bit too far with that part of your background. I found it near impossible to read on from there. Plus, turning down the awesomeness of your chapter by adding a few losses will help people from not switching off.

Along with three other chapters and abbadons chaos 'collection'.

criticism helps guys! Thanks to Themanwiththeplan for posting!

Part 3:

A'Drian fought with a smile as an astartes fell to his agonizer drinking in the pain of the warrior. Two more battle saints approached, and fell, a surprised look on their faces as a kabalite splinter cannon born by the syrabite Drughul ripped apart their bodies in a mindless mess of blood, flesh and gore. Two struggling mon-keigh's of the storm swords were pulled into a webway portal by two mandrakes. It was a complete rout.
Battle-brother Jariyon, recently declared fit for training in the arts of the warp fought with religious zeal, his power sword claiming two of the fiendish wyches that plagued his unit. A titan, of the reaver class, blasted its way through the hull of a venom its occupants melted to a gooey slush. Then suddenly jetbikes and boards were everywhere, scything down astartes and the planets PDF with brutal skill and class. Jariyon gasped as a hellglaive passed through his torso. The twin blades, though, failed to hit any of his vital organs and he reached for the surprised rider and ripped most of his body into two bloody halves. Then suddenly, there was silence apart from the shrieks of those captured and the echoing laughs of the foul xenos. He glanced down and was faced by the body of brother-captain Amelius. His arm had been hewn off and his head lay in pieces. Jariyon felt the loss of the captain keenly and as the apothecary came to retrieve his geneseed he suddenly flew into a rage punching through a solid wall. The bodies of the battle saints almost doubled the amount of any other astartes bodies there. He muttered a quick prayer to the emperor and almost flattened the small girl standing before him. She looked up at him fear in her eyes. Jariyon looked down back at her then picked her up in his arms he took her all the way to the chimera which had pulled up alongside the fallen titan. He handed the girl to a startled sergeant who swore that he would find her a safe home.
Aqus the Infinite was in a mood. His master Abbadon, may the gods bless his name, had literally told him to p1ss off after Aqus had asked where he came in to the invasion. The briefing had not gone well, and Aqus had not been surprised to be put in the force that would seize the moon. He wanted to battle alongside chaos' best warriors but instead he was forced to take his warband, The shrieking devils, to the moon facility and claim it for the huge chaos army. At least there would be Astartes thought Aqus.
''It is time Aqus!'' The command echoed in his head as Aqus rose from his meditations and saluted the image of Abbadon. ''Come, my son, it is time for you to prove yourself!'' Aqus' servants attached his armour and gave him weapons. He was ready...

 THEDARK1RI5ES wrote:

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:
*coughs on his cup of tea* Your chapter nearly destroyed Terra!?......I know it's fan-fiction but I think you may be taking it a bit too far with that part of your background. I found it near impossible to read on from there. Plus, turning down the awesomeness of your chapter by adding a few losses will help people from not switching off.

Along with three other chapters and abbadons chaos 'collection'.

Terra is the most heavily defended planet the Imperium has. It's not going to be compromised by only 3 chapters... Abaddon could do it I imagine but it'd be a monumental task and would essentially involve tearing half the Imperium to pieces to do it.

 purplefood wrote:

 THEDARK1RI5ES wrote:

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:
*coughs on his cup of tea* Your chapter nearly destroyed Terra!?......I know it's fan-fiction but I think you may be taking it a bit too far with that part of your background. I found it near impossible to read on from there. Plus, turning down the awesomeness of your chapter by adding a few losses will help people from not switching off.

Along with three other chapters and abbadons chaos 'collection'.

Terra is the most heavily defended planet the Imperium has. It's not going to be compromised by only 3 chapters... Abaddon could do it I imagine but it'd be a monumental task and would essentially involve tearing half the Imperium to pieces to do it.

Agreed. Have them attack a fortress star system instead. Say five planets and about twenty moons all defended by a rouge empire of man (people really don't do this enough). That way you can show off your chapters pinpoint striking ability, wade through gunfire while taking only minor wounds, and if you want them to turn chaos, a bit of whole sale slaughter along the way too.

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:

 purplefood wrote:

 THEDARK1RI5ES wrote:

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:
*coughs on his cup of tea* Your chapter nearly destroyed Terra!?......I know it's fan-fiction but I think you may be taking it a bit too far with that part of your background. I found it near impossible to read on from there. Plus, turning down the awesomeness of your chapter by adding a few losses will help people from not switching off.

Along with three other chapters and abbadons chaos 'collection'.

Terra is the most heavily defended planet the Imperium has. It's not going to be compromised by only 3 chapters... Abaddon could do it I imagine but it'd be a monumental task and would essentially involve tearing half the Imperium to pieces to do it.

Agreed. Have them attack a fortress star system instead. Say five planets and about twenty moons all defended by a rouge empire of man (people really don't do this enough). That way you can show off your chapters pinpoint striking ability, wade through gunfire while taking only minor wounds, and if you want them to turn chaos, a bit of whole sale slaughter along the way too.

I mean, almost destroyed Terra as in coming close to the system not actually getting onto the planet and burning half of it down.

Cue the people telling me that I should have made this clearer at the start

Even getting close to the system is difficult.
One of the reasons Armageddon is so highly contested is because of its relative proximity to Terra. The forces poured into that campaign has stopped one of the greatest waaaaghs ever.
Incidentally, I would put a few line breaks to make the text easier to read. As it is it's just a block of text with no real formatting.
Something also needs to be done about the incredible exposition dump at the start. That's a perfect example of telling and not showing, what you need to do is show not tell.

@purplefood- I will try to add some line breakers, also it is fiction I am not a fluff maniac (not saying you are either) so if there is stuff that doesn't work... Well for me?

savvy?


Anyway. Thanks for commenting!!

I am a fluff maniac. The way I see it if you write inside a universe you should follow the 'rules' of the universe. Otherwise why bother...

 purplefood wrote:
I am a fluff maniac. The way I see it if you write inside a universe you should follow the 'rules' of the universe. Otherwise why bother...

Please dont execute me........

And hey! Did anyone actually enjoy it!?

Well IMO it needs work but it's a reasonable start.

purplefood wrote:I am a fluff maniac. The way I see it if you write inside a universe you should follow the 'rules' of the universe. Otherwise why bother...

Because as mentioned before, take the time to follow the general vibe of the universe you are setting your story in. It tends to make for a much, much better story

THEDARK1RI5ES wrote:

 purplefood wrote:
I am a fluff maniac. The way I see it if you write inside a universe you should follow the 'rules' of the universe. Otherwise why bother...

Please dont execute me........

A man after my own hearth

THEDARK1RI5ES wrote:And hey! Did anyone actually enjoy it!?

No I did not, but then again I did not scream in rage at the screen either. But in a more serious tone. It really needs more work to become truly good. Please take the time to listen to the feedback offerd by Purple and others, itreally will help you progress as an author in general.

 Trondheim wrote:

purplefood wrote:I am a fluff maniac. The way I see it if you write inside a universe you should follow the 'rules' of the universe. Otherwise why bother...

Because as mentioned before, take the time to follow the general vibe of the universe you are setting your story in. It tends to make for a much, much better story

THEDARK1RI5ES wrote:

 purplefood wrote:
I am a fluff maniac. The way I see it if you write inside a universe you should follow the 'rules' of the universe. Otherwise why bother...

Please dont execute me........

A man after my own hearth

THEDARK1RI5ES wrote:And hey! Did anyone actually enjoy it!?

No I did not, but then again I did not scream in rage at the screen either. But in a more serious tone. It really needs more work to become truly good. Please take the time to listen to the feedback offerd by Purple and others, itreally will help you progress as an author in general.

ok