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Made in gb
Is 'Eavy Metal Calling?





UK

Figured I'd put this up here as it's sort-of relevant to these boards; the story so far could easily be set in the Warhammer world. Really, though, this is just a writing exercise I felt like sharing. Please let me know what you think; I'll probably redraft this if I go forward with the idea (see the bottom of the post), so any feedback is welcome and appreciated. There's a few notes on it at the bottom of the post.

And now, that age was over; silence was now noise, stillness was motion, and so many things He had forgotten were remembered. Surprise soon fell away to a long-dormant thrill of the hunt; the subtle tang of fear in the air was a sensation so long gone, but so sublime. He snarled a gloating warning; He would take his time with these ones, as was His will.

Spoiler:
Scale, Tooth and Claw

Scale, Tooth and Claw

They stumbled along on two legs two few, these stunted creatures that had dared end His aeons-long slumber. Their high pitched cries echoes around the gantries high above and swooped to assail its ears, ears unused to sound after so long in silence. The interlopers scurried into the shadows once again, and well they might.

For long ages of the world, he had waited in this deep place, guarded by a darkness that was more than the absence of light. No one had dared approach from the worlds of men, and those worlds had faded from memory; nothing more to Him than dreams of empires He had laid low, cities in flames and those endless droves of two-legged cattle that could sate even His mighty hunger.

And now, that age was over; silence was now noise, stillness was motion, and so many things He had forgotten were remembered. Surprise soon fell away to a long-dormant thrill of the hunt; the subtle tang of fear in the air was a sensation so long gone, but so sublime. He snarled a gloating warning; He would take his time with these ones, as was His will.

First, He recalled, came the wait. The wait that would pass in the blink of a heavy-lidded eye, for these creatures had not the patience of His kind. An age for them was one beat of His iron heart. Soon enough, they would show themselves, betray themselves to his majesty, offer their frail forms for the taking. It would be a spasm of movement or the slightest sound that gave him away. And there it was, as close as it always was to one of His immense stature.

A noise he recalled from so long ago, the high-pitched and quivering sound of fear made manifest. It was so very familiar, that sound, and it awoke something deep inside him. The furnace of his breath that had been cold for centuries suddenly burst again into flame, burning up from within and waited to be unleashed. But not yet. First, he would chase them.

As one, the huddled group stepped into the lighter darkness, believing themselves hidden, no doubt. The shadows no impediment to His sight, and he saw their spindly forms slinking away, fumbling across mounds of hoarded gold. One, He noted, dared even pocket a single coin. The theft was unforgivable

The distance between them was swallowed up in a single stride, buoyed by a beat of gigantic wings, and for a moment, he was before them, the fire of his eyes bathing them in a ruddy glow, and then came the chase. They would run, and he would let them, for the valiant deserved a glimmer of hope, and they were bold indeed to end his sleep. So He would test them, and watch them fail. And then He would kill them.

The group scattered and reformed between mountains of treasure, a fluid, moving flock that would offer a worthy pursuit. He toyed with them, as was his habit, allowing them brief moments of peace and refuge, moments of before plunging down from on high or bursting from beneath the piled gold, scattering it and them to the shadows. It was entertaining, this game they played, and he would let it go on for as long as he chose. What was left of their life was his to control; what was made of it was their own to decide.

Move for move He matched them, a hundred of their tiny steps made redundant by one of his, and the rush of air as the backdraft of His great wings sucked the very air from the chamber would throw them from their feet. Shakily they would rise, marvelling at their continued existence, and keep running, still refusing to accept the inevitable: that they were nothing more than prey.

He was fully alive now, muscles and flesh and sinew that had not moved in millennia now flexed in elated anticipation; they would make no more than a morsel, but revenge and this re-found exhilaration would sate Him for now. And then out, out into the world where new empires would have risen from the ashes of the old, ripened by time and now fresh and tender; a feast waiting for Him that none could deny.

A pair of intruders halted while the others fled, and turned to face Him, and raised sticks that breathed fire. So, it was a warrior’s death they sought. Then he would grant it. A swipe of a claw sent them left, a slicing wing right, and then a darting mouth agape forced them stumbling back, sprawling at His feet. At His mercy. They raised the fire-sticks again, and something new happened.

The sensation was strange to Him. Sharp, small objects slid from his scales, a minor annoyance but one he relished. An acrid taste that was not quite smoke pricked at His nostrils. There was even the kind of pain he had not felt in centuries, a dull ache behind each impact. But it was no matter; what weapons they had conjured in the long centuries of His negligence would be no match for iron scales and ivory claws and the flames that came from so deep within.

Flames that now burst forth from that place, and filled this marble cavern he had made his own, a temple to his might, turning gold undisturbed for centuries to molten flows and charring white stone black. How could any hope to resist? But still they did, darting this way and that, scattering where the flames took root and cowering where they thought he could not reach.

One of the fire-stick-bearing trespassers fell to the cascade of fire, burnt to cinders in a flash and snapped up in a burning maw. A mouthful, but the first of many. Two more were pinioned by razor claws, their bodies rent and torn and consumed moments later. The chase was over, the feast was begun. Only one more remained.

And where could it be, this most elusive of creatures? It mattered now; let it cling to its last few moments, cowering in the dark and savour them. He would savour its terror. The strong kill the weak, and He was the strongest. This last creature, this petty blight on his magnificence, would soon be as cold and dead as the corners he trembled in.

Again, that dull ache came, and with it, a sound like the crackling of timber in a forest fire or the crack of a claw on stone. A second sound, and this time he caught sight of a flash, like lighting but brighter. This new weapon was strange, fascinating. Valuable, and he would have it. A scaled head turned to face the light where, again, the lone figure was illuminated.

He would be shown some respect in death, for it was no small thing to face a Dragon and stand his ground. His death would be fast, but honourable. One limb at a time, He turned to face this bold prey, and inclined His head, His serpentine neck reaching out in a salute that was not mocking or cruel. A warrior this man had lived, and a warrior he would die. He prepared Himself for the final blow, a single bite that would end-

The pain was unbearable, an angry biting burning stinging stabbing flailing fiery pain. A pain he had never felt before, and something hot and red fell onto the gold below. Every piece of His being screamed in abject agony and in that moment the world was darker; the vision of the warrior vanished and was replaced by blackness. How? Why?

***

By the time the pain subsided and His eye stopped burning, the scent of flesh had long gone; only the acrid smoke and metallic tang of spilt blood remained heavy in the air. Slowly, sluggishly, He became aware it was his blood that had fallen in drop and spread in thick pools across the cavern floor. The thought of that red liquid outside his thick hide was alarming.

Tentatively, he dipped a claw in the pools and brought it to his mouth, his tongue darting out to taste it on instinct and recoiling at the metallic sharpness. He lifted the claw higher, and watched the liquid drip to the floor where it splashed and rippled out in neat circles. He shifted His head again, and then stopped. Where he had once seen, there was now darkness.

Gently, his tongue flicked up and probed the eye, met with the same taste of shed blood. Blinded. Blind. A roar of rage escaped unbidden, causing tremors in the rock. A hide armoured thick that had defended him from a thousand shafts and blades, and this new weapon had found His one point of weakness. He was drowned in respect for this warrior, and something else, something he only knew by instinct.

Fear. He was afraid. Not so invincible as He had once believed, and where one had succeeded, now many more would follow. They would come in their hundreds as news spread of a Dragon laid low, a Dragon spited, and they would bring more of those fire-sticks. Enough, maybe, to hurt Him further. Enough, maybe, to slay him.

No, that would not do, for He was greatest among creatures, and he would not be cowed. Revenge would be had; a warrior’s fate had been offered and spurned, and this time He would not snow mercy. Cities would burn before His honour was restored, His vengeance had. It was time, once more, for Him to emerge and remind the peoples of all the lands why they left in slumbering in peace.

One beat of his wings carried him into the air, another set Him sailing across the cavern and up, up to the mountain’s spire, where long ages ago he had sundered stone and descended into the dark. Now, at last, He would return, and the worlds would again know the terror that came with every beat of His wings and each gout of flame that issued forth from between razor teeth. The light was in sight now, and He flew towards it, out, out into the world, heralded by flames.

Smoke rose slowly through the mountaintop and blackened the sky, and with that smoke, carried in the shadows, came a darker shadow, and a roar of a new age dawning. Wings spread to blot the sun, and cataracts of flame harboured in the stomach of this most ancient of creatures replaced its light; for miles, all was bathed in fiery light, a forewarning of something so old and so new.

Somewhere in that roiling mass of smoke and flame, reptilian lips parted in a cruel smile, and the slits of a single dome-like eye scoured this new land he did not know. Hurricane wingbeats would carry him to where the cattle was richest, and steely talons would prepare the prey. Fiery breath would cleanse His kingdom, and once all this was done, colossal jaws would feast as they had aeons before. The world was changing, and the dragon would take His place as its master.


Author's notes:

- The idea for this one came to me when considering the nature of Dragons in various fantasy settings; they're mostly shown as either intelligent but subservient to other races, willingly or otherwise, or they're portrayed as mindless beasts. So this was my attempt to restore balance to the force, and represent the dragons in writing for once.

- The character of the Dragon in this one is something that I've left deliberately ambiguous. I've tried not to make him a force for good, because he's not, but I don't think he reads as inherently evil either. He's doing what he does because, as far as he is concerned, he is the strongest creature alive, and has that right to do as he pleases. There's an arrogance to him, but only because he's better and he knows it. So maybe he's evil, or maybe he's just doing what he thinks is natural.

- In the style of writing style itself, I've tried to straddle the line between archaic and melodramatic, to add to the impression of the dragon being an ancient force, slightly out of touch but also convinced of his own power; he's not being over the top, just revelling in his own power. Again, I aim for this to add to the ambiguity of the narrator.

- So what is this all for? Well, it may be just a one off, but on the other hand, I've got a few other ideas kicking around that would entail a degree in world-building. Several characters could easily fit this setting, and I quite like the idea of it becoming a series of sorts, but with no real plot other than some very overarching themes, simply exercises in character and style. I've chosen the fantasy setting as it allows me to be far more idiosyncratic than any other kind of world, and gives a lot of creative freedom. Let me know what you think of this idea, as if you like it I'll keep posting them on here and you'll hopefully enjoy it.

Thanks for reading, any comments or criticism are appreciated.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/06/20 20:39:54


 
   
Made in us
Decrepit Dakkanaut





Vallejo, CA

I don't know, I think his active derision makes him slightly evil, at least.

I think my main problem here is this work's length. At ~900 words, it's sort of too long to address a single idea (unless you add in a lot more detail), but it's also too short to have two ideas crammed in there (not enough detail each). I'd either cut out the part where he actually chases and kills he heroes, and then escapes from his domain, and just focus on what the dragon feels and what he's thinking, or else expand it out. Include an action scene of at least 500 words of dragon v. heroes. Something that perhaps naturally results in his escape from the mountain.

I feel like you've got a good seed for the story, and have done a lot to work on it, but there still is a lot of space for it to expand to.

Also, you want a red-pen edit?



Your one-stop website for batreps, articles, and assorted goodies about the men of Folera: Foleran First Imperial Archives. Read Dakka's favorite narrative battle report series The Hand of the King. Also, check out my commission work, and my terrain.

Abstract Principles of 40k: Why game imbalance and list tailoring is good, and why tournaments are an absurd farce.

Read "The Geomides Affair", now on sale! No bolter porn. Not another inquisitor story. A book written by a dakkanought for dakkanoughts!
 
   
Made in gb
Is 'Eavy Metal Calling?





UK

Cheers.

Well, I never said he wasn't evil, it's just whether he's actively evil for the sake of it that I wanted to call into question. He's lived for thousands of years, he's the strongest creature he's ever encountered, and these intruders have dared challenge him. As far as he's concerned, it's the way of things that he kills where he pleases because that's what nature intended. It's all a matter of perspective. It's more a case of 'does he know he's evil?' as much as anything else.

I see what you mean about the clash of ideas, and it's something that was playing on my mind when I was deciding whether to make it a one-off, or part of something more. The last bit was more an epilogue of sorts, and may end up being cut entirely; it's a scene that fell into my head and I just wrote without really thinking it through. I'm now thinking the next 'snapshot' will be of that same event being observed by another character or creature, so that kind of make the last couple of paragraphs redundant.

The chase and killing is something I certainly intend to expand upon, there are a lot of hints that I wanted to put in in hindsight as this becomes the first thing he sees of how the world has changed, so I want to reflect that more in how they act, maybe surprising him a little more. At the same time, though, I wanted to make them seem insignificant as they are to him, which doesn't merit much description from his point of view.

So expansion will certainly happen, this was just a very rough draft of it, and will be edited accordingly. I now have a more solid idea of where this is going, so some parts of this bit do need reworking. In a way, I was restraining myself with the length, as I didn't want to to get out-of-control; I'm already halfway through editing a novel, so I wanted to avoid getting side-tracked on another large project. I think a series of these one-scene pieces will be a nice compromise, engaging for me without being distracting.

I'll try and get a second draft done this evening. time permitting.

 
   
Made in gb
Is 'Eavy Metal Calling?





UK

And the First post is updated with a revised version. What I've changed:

The chase/hunt itself is now far longer that before, clocking in at 1200-ish words from start to finish, and the 'epilogue' as become a piece in its own right, about 600 words. There's also a different ending to the first section that changes the whole tone of the second bit, and adds more (I hope) to the character and his motivations. With any luck, that's enough length for each theme to be developed to a greater degree.

It's still a WIP, but I'm more happy with it now, as a lot of the kind of stuff that didn't make it in the first draft is in here now. I'm still not convinced about the last bit, but I'll see whether or not I keep that as and when the next piece gets done. If there's too much overlap, I'll cut it.

 
   
Made in us
Decrepit Dakkanaut





Vallejo, CA

Much better.

Apart from some copy editing (and one structural glitch - how could he fly out of a mountain if he was blind?), I guess my main critique is about use of the optative well into the body of the piece. It's all what he's going to do, and "would" this and "could" that. I'd try and transition things to a more active mood. Yes, it's sort of supposed to be a story about him brooding, but the action scenes shouldn't necessarily just take place from his bored point of view.


Your one-stop website for batreps, articles, and assorted goodies about the men of Folera: Foleran First Imperial Archives. Read Dakka's favorite narrative battle report series The Hand of the King. Also, check out my commission work, and my terrain.

Abstract Principles of 40k: Why game imbalance and list tailoring is good, and why tournaments are an absurd farce.

Read "The Geomides Affair", now on sale! No bolter porn. Not another inquisitor story. A book written by a dakkanought for dakkanoughts!
 
   
Made in gb
Is 'Eavy Metal Calling?





UK

Thanks again.

To clarify, he's blind in one eye, not both, so he can still sort of see. That's what the bit about seeing the blood and then not seeing it was about. I might edit to make that clearer.

The reason I chose to use that tense was simply because, to hi, it's an inevitability that he will kill them all in the first bit (undermining his flawed arrogance when he doesn't), and after that, it's to convey the idea that his wounded price will be restored, as if he's actively taking control of events even when physically inactive. I certainly see what you're saying, and in most cases I'd agree, but I think I'll leave it as is, to be honest, as I think it works for what I was going for.

He's also supposed to be very idiosyncratic as a character, which is why the 'bored' and arrogant tone of voice remains constant throughout. If I were narrating from the POV of one of the hunted adventurers, then it would certainly be more active, and an idea for one of the next pieces is the one that escaped relating his tale in a similarly unique, but obviously very different, way.

 
   
 
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