Author Information
I didn't write most of this, just collected various Christmas articles from across Dakka and the World Wide Web-Way.
Bountiful Kwanzaa everyone!
Kid Kyoto
The Night Before 986996.M41
by Patrick Marstall (MarstallP@bah.com)
'Twas the night before 986996.M41, and all through the station
All there was clear, there was no abomination.
My helmet was set on the desk to my right,
On the chance that I was to need it that night.
The guardsmen were ensconced, asleep in their beds,
All the tanks too were safe, secure in the sheds.
Marines in the barracks, some manning the wall,
Assured me that the bastion never would fall.
When out in the yard there arose such discord
I grabbed up my bolter and unsheathed my sword.
Away to the window, I ran to take aim
As the marines around me all did the same.
My bionic eye turned the night into day
Allowed me to see, and to seek out my prey.
When what did my loyalist ocular show,
But an ancient conveyance, knee-deep in the snow.
The vehicle was pulled by horned quadrupeds
And a fiery red nimbus glowed from the sled.
The driver was mighty, his eyes full of scorn,
Dressed all in crimson like a servant of Khorne.
I gestured for other to shoot without pause,
For I was now certain this was Santa Claus.
"Fire Marines! Fire Guardsmen! Fire Ogryn and Ratlings!
Fire bolters! Fire lasguns! Fire mortars and gatlings!"
"You in the courtyard and you men on the walls!
Now blast away! Blast away! Blast away all!"
But all through this maelstrom the evil one flew,
Past plasma and bolt shells and frag that we threw!
And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof
The vile cavorting of each decadent hoof.
Screaming my orders, I spun quickly around,
As down the chimney shaft it came with a bound.
I saw its eyes glow, its vast stomach gurgle,
Bloated and fat, like a deamon of Nurgle.
Blinded by anger, I attacked with a scream -
Charged into battle with my brave space marines.
As we thundered towards him, closing the rift,
He reached in his satchel and pulled out a gift.
Then it tossed the vile boxes - I fell in a stoop,
As they arced through the air at me and my troops.
The wrapped missiles fell short, and plopped at our feet,
Our morale was quite strong, we did not retreat.
But the marines paused - our charge was disrupted,
They picked up the gifts and were quickly corrupted.
For each box contained a chaotic present -
The marines (damn their souls), found them quite pleasant.
A bolter, a flamer, a new power fist,
The Claus gave to all, and he checked off a list.
It moved through the station and left in its wake,
The sound of bright laughter and the stench of fruitcake.
The others succumbed, but it failed in its goal,
For to me it gave only a small pile of coal.
The station was lost, I could only instruct
The bastion computer to set self-destruct.
I failed to kill him, for I saw as I fled,
The target escaping, quite safe in his sled.
I heard it cry out as the base burst into light,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
Twas the Night Before Christmas (Warhammer version)
Author: Tox, posted by Mannahnin
'Twas the night before Christmas
throughout the Old World,
The armies were camped
and their banners were furled.
The clamor of battle had finally ceased,
All races observing a Christmastime peace.
Each force in its barracks, each fleet in its haven,
No creature was stirring, not even a Skaven.
The dreams of the elf-lords were distant and deep;
The Orcs lay in rows, snoring "waagghhh" in their sleep.
Your humble narrator had blown out the light,
Set the brushes to rinse and turned in for the night,
And, stealing back blankets usurped by my love,
I was just dozing off...when I heard from above
Such a clatter of hooves! Were we under attack?
Our rooftop assaulted by Arkhan the Black?
I dashed to the parlor in nightshirt and cap
And loaded my crossbow in case of a scrap.
But who should pop out of the fireplace flue
Than old Santa himself! With a bulging sack too!
He shook himself off and went under the tree,
To set out some gifts for my lady and me.
He spun round to face me (which gave me a fright)
And said "You two were last on my list for tonight,
"In your world, that is. But I've work yet to do...
"There are other realms out there that need Christmas, too!"
And he pulled out more gifts, moving faster than light:
"I must get these sent out through the kingdoms tonight!
"A hatchet for Morglum that sings as it hews;
"A reinforced hat-rack for Teclis to use;
"A cape for Karl Franz with a griffon-fur trim,
"A mustachio wax kit for Volkmar the Grim,
"A new cloak for Mannfred, all lined in red satin,
"A scabbard for Heinrich with etched words in Latin,
"A chew-toy for Scyla; for Arbaal a book
"(To write down the names of the heroes he's cooked),
"A tankard for Thorgrim, brim-full of good beer....
"And the Witch-King gets coal. For the six thousandth year."
And then, to my shock, he knelt down on the floor
Near a mouse-hole I just hadn't noticed before
And he squeezed in some boxes, all wrapped with great care;
Then Saint Nick hollered out, "Merry Christmas down there!"
"I'm sending down presents for all of your folk-
"A new knife for Sniktch and some mouthwash for Skrolk,
"A wrench set for Ikit, a mirror for Queek
"And a snuffbox for Thanquol...you're welcome! Neek Neek!"
His labors now done, Santa went on his way.
He rose up the chimney and boarded his sleigh.
He snatched up the reins, oh so jolly and spry,
Then he called to his team, and the reindeer Flew High.
But I heard him exclaim as he clove through the blue
"Merry Christmas To All! (hope games workshop won't sue!)"
Happy Emperor's Day!
A genuinely touching poem, author unknown, posted by Gareth Hreidmar .
T'was the night before Emperor's Day,
and he fought all alone,
in a four foot deep trench
lined with plasteel and stone.
I was traveling the warp
with gifts for the land,
when I saw this lone guardsman
making his brave stand.
I looked all about,
I looked near and far,
no Chimera, no Basilisk,
nor Techpriest or Commissar.
No Sergeant yelled orders
to this guardsman - no backing
to fight this ridge full of xeno
formed from pure evil, attacking.
His armor in tatters,
his eyes nearly blind,
A sobering truth
raced through my mind.
His position was doomed,
was my only thought
and this soldier's brave stand
would all be for naught.
The guardsman stared unblinking,
silent and alone,
his lasrifle at the ready
against his shoulder bone.
His gaze was so calm
in the face of calamity,
the perfect picture of
a guardsman of humanity.
Who was this brave hero
whose position I'd spied,
warring against
this unstoppable tide?
I now knew that all humans
I would see this night,
owed their lives to these guardsman
who were willing to fight.
Soon all round the galaxy
the children would play,
and grownups would praise
the bright Emperor's Day.
They all lived their lives
every month of the year,
Because of brave guardsmen
like the one standing here.
A tear came to my eye
for those who stood alone,
on a cold Emperor's Day Eve
on a planet far from home.
Their great sacrifices
I could never betray
So I drew my burning sword
to join in the fray
The soldier did turn
and I heard a rough voice.
"My Emperor, rest easy,
this death is my choice;
I fight for a freedom
that may never be found,
but not ever shall I waver
on your sacred ground."
Then the Guardsman turned
to face the incursions
of the foul Xenos and
their unholy perversions
I kept watch for hours,
until the night was still
and the guardsman lay broken
on the bloody red hill.
I could not just leave
on that cold grim dark night,
this guardian of honor
so willing to fight.
And as the guardsman lay dying,
his soul strong and pure,
he cried, "Ave Imperator!
It's Emperor's Day! This world is secure!"
I knelt before the fallen,
A great victory he'd won.
"Happy Emperor's Day my guardsman,
rest in peace, my son."
So each year when I travel
to every sector and zone,
it's brave guardsmen like him
who stand watch on my throne
Sanguinius the White-Winged Primarch
By Kid Kyoto with apologies to Rudolph...
You know Manos and Corax and Leman and Johnson
Khan and Rogal and Roboute and Vulcan
But do you recall... the most famous Primarch of all?
Sanny the white-winged Primarch
Had some very pretty wings
And his voice was lovely
Especially when he sings
All of the other Primarchs
Used to call him 'mutie'!
The made poor Sanguinius
Do kitchen duty!
Then one bloody battle's eve
The Emperor came to say
Sanny with your wings so white
Won't you put my foes to flight?
Then all the Primarchs loved him
And they shouted out with glee
Sanny the White-Winged Primarch
You'll go down in history!
Battlehymn of the Adeptus Astres
(Sung to the tune of... oh just guess)
Space Marines!
Space Marines!
Fighting every day!
Oh what fun it is to find
Some Xenos we can slay!
HEY!
Flying through the stars
In our armored Battle Barge
Listen to the Sarge
His sword is rather large!
Hack! Hack! Hack!
Orks are big and mean!
Space Elves weak but clean!
Necrons are a machine!
Assaults makes fish-men scream!
HEY!
Space Marines!
Space Marines!
Fighting every day!
Oh what fun it is to find
Some Daemons we can slay!
HEY!
Khorne is red and yells!
Nurgle's green and smells!
Tzeentch's blue casts spells!
Slannesh's pink and uses gells!
Hump! Hump! Hump!
Chain-swords whirr and slash!
Thunder Hammers smash!
Howling Griffons clash!
Rainbow Warriors smoke hash!
OH!
Space Marines!
Space Marines!
Fighting every day!
Oh what fun it is to find
Some Traitors we can slay!
HEY!
Death Guard smell very bad!
Night Lords are quite sad!
Word Bearers wage jihad!
Black Legion hates their dad!
Sob! Sob! Sob!
Emp's Children love their sex!
Thousand Sons cast their hex!
World Eaters chop your necks!
Cultists have no Codex!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Space Marines!
Space Marines!
Fighting every day!
Oh what fun it is to find
Some Xenos we can slay!
