Is this any good so far?
http://jaggedjaw.blogspot.com/

What?

the stuff on the link. is it any good so far?

jaggedjaw wrote:Shinobians
government type:democratic dictatorship
tecno vampire

If Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and you were in a room together, and I only had 2 bullets, I would shoot you twice.

...WHAT?
i dont get it?


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also why?

jaggedjaw wrote:Is this any good so far?
http://jaggedjaw.blogspot.com/

No

why?

I could count off all the ways this is in the wrong section, the wrong forum, and just awful in general, but...

Ostrakon wrote:

jaggedjaw wrote:Shinobians
government type:democratic dictatorship
tecno vampire

If Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and you were in a room together, and I only had 2 bullets, I would shoot you twice.

This just works so well. Also, inbeforelock and all that good stuff.

how is it awful?

That's quoting material right there.

HOW IS IT AWFUL?


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and yes that is good quoting material.


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ok. can you please explain how it is bad so i can fix it? also Stalin would have fit in better.

Since nobody else will, I'll bite.

Your blog is awful for a number of reasons. The half-baked fluff for your own army is lousy. Redundancies like "The Empire is one of the oldest reaming Empires" are ridiculous. Your writing quality is abysmal and fraught with spelling errors. The graphic design of your site is ugly and eye-searing. You've got colors and this bad MSPaint tri-sword emblem in the background, and none of it looks good or cohesive in any way. The formatting is also really hard to read and I don't know what I'm looking at.

Also, everyone and their mother has a wargaming related blog these days. If yours has nothing to contribute, it's just more wasted webspace.

Shadow War? What is this Babylon 5?

It's so bad that it honestly defies explanation. Rampant typos, horrible names, blatant ripoffs of other intellectual properties... you should feel a profound sense of shame. You have raped Fiction, and forced her little brother Setting to watch as you manhandle her. You taped this debauchery and sent it to her cousin, Game Mechanics.

You should take the site down and delete all of its content, if only to prevent yourself from committing suicide upon rediscovering your forgotten works. Your hands have wrought an atrocity.

Amaya wrote:Shadow War? What is this Babylon 5?

Nah, but it reads like bad fanfic.

...well how else would you phrase that?

The man who created "Time Cube" thinks your site makes no sense.

ok I changed the back ground.
How should I rewrite my fluff then?

My god, its full of stars.

And not the good kind.

Oh wow, now I wish I hadn't clicked on that link. Tecno vampire? Democratic Dictatorship?

What the hell?....

What do you mean Zygh?

jaggedjaw wrote:...well how else would you phrase that?

http://tinyurl.com/agbvk4
http://tinyurl.com/2vlzuut

ok I'll explain some things
1.The Empire has an Emperor who has the last word in all decisions, however, the people elect councilors to represent them and I couldn't remember what you called that type of government so i just put down Democratic Dictatorship.
2.Twilight already ruined vampires. Im just trying to sci-fi them. Also Vampires were a playable race in the first edition of Rouge Trader so please stop bringing it up.

jaggedjaw wrote:ok I changed the back ground.
How should I rewrite my fluff then?

Now it's an ugly green. Lovely. The three swords logo is also really poorly done. It's literally the brush in MSPaint, which is the lowest common denominator. Draw it on paper and take a picture or rip a similar graphic from somewhere, just don't make it look like three red sticks intersecting.

As for rewriting the fluff, try something not quite so... cliched I guess? It's all very familiar, and not in a good way.

Really, this isn't news or rumors. It's more like skeet shooting.

jaggedjaw wrote:ok I'll explain some things
1.The Empire has an Emperor who has the last word in all decisions, however, the people elect councilors to represent them and I couldn't remember what you called that type of government so i just put down Democratic Dictatorship.
2.Twilight already ruined vampires. Im just trying to sci-fi them. Also Vampires were a playable race in the first edition of Rogue Trader so please stop bringing it up.

Rogue, please. Major pet peeve.

I get it. it was bad grammar.
actually dominion sounds cooler than Empire.
Which should I use?


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...What are you saying Zygh?
opps. sorry im not good at spelling.

jaggedjaw wrote:ok I'll explain some things
1.The Empire has an Emperor who has the last word in all decisions, however, the people elect councilors to represent them and I couldn't remember what you called that type of government so i just put down Democratic Dictatorship.
2.Twilight already ruined vampires. Im just trying to sci-fi them. Also Vampires were a playable race in the first edition of Rouge Trader so please stop bringing it up.

what?

It doesn't matter what you use. Your work is going to be extremely generic unless you rebuild it from scratch.

wait what? I've been thinking about this stuff for over 5-years! I'm just now putting it down since i dont want to forget any of it.


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ok.
the Cyber Wolves Gopper, Underground, Jaharens, and Tecno Vampires are newer but all the other stuff has been thought about for along time.

And? I can be thinking of noble, green-skinned Orcs who have recovered from being dominated by a demonic force for the next hundred years, but that won't make it any less generic.

...that sounds like warcraft?...Then again, you can't get any more generic then that.

I say pull a BP and put a cap on it. If you want these ideas to be taken seriously at all, close the blog and work on developing this stuff to be less silly. Names like "Shinobians" are really ridiculous, and there really doesn't seem to be anything new that this brings to the table.

ok. fine then. I'll just put it this way. I'm good with stats but not fluff. If any of you could help with fluff I'd appreciate that.

jaggedjaw wrote:wait what? I've been thinking about this stuff for over 5-years! I'm just now putting it down since i dont want to forget any of it.

Just because the two remaining brain cells in your cranium bump into each other every once in a while - filling your head with visions of badass cyborg vampires and Empires filled with Emperors of the last Age of Emperors' Empires - doesn't mean that you actually thought about any of this.

And if not putting it down will help you forget about it more quickly, then by all means: destroy your keyboard and spare us all.


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jaggedjaw wrote:...that sounds like warcraft?...Then again, you can't get any more generic then that.

RUN! IT'S CAPABLE OF LEARNING!

...thanks.

To be constructive:

For starters, go back and re-read everything. Proof read it for spelling and grammar. Think about your ideas, try to make things flow. People don't want to read your ideas in the way you have written them. A list of humans, "Trolz", "Ohgores", "tecno vampire", "cyber wolf", "skel-8-ten", "werenaught", "gopper", "halflan", "heb gablen", "lepacon", nobody wants to read that. Most of your races sound completely silly and uninteresting. Cut them back. Rethink them. Rename them. Nobody wants to read what "personality" a race has, not to mention how crazy it is to think that an entire race would have the same personality.

Put some serious re-doing into this.

the personality is the stereotypical one that you see. and on the names no. Although i will try to remove the list.

Heh.

In the future, use Microsoft Word or something to fix your spelling and grammitical errors.

ok a comment like that is the kind that i appreciate.

jaggedjaw wrote:ok a comment like that is the kind that i appreciate.

Then I do not think you are fit for the interwebs. Just saying. heh

0. Please refrain from stating 'What' .. . 'What?' ... 'What?' over and over.
1. This is in the wrong place/section.
2. Your thread just is wtf - link dropping and asking people 'IS IT GOOD?' is.. kinda wtf moment.
You were neither specific or as detailed on this thread as you were in your beloved fluff.
3. How old are you? Just curious.
4. What exactly is your goal with all of this? Or do you just have a lot of free time.

Just very curious. This is interesting - especially coming back from a long day of work on a friday.

im 15 and yes i have ALOT of free time. also i've never done this before so i dont really know what im supposed to do. thats why i posted a link to it on DakkaDakka since i figured that with so many users at least one of you guys would know how to make it. and where should i move it to?

jaggedjaw wrote:im 15 and yes i have ALOT of free time. also i've never done this before so i dont really know what im supposed to do. thats why i posted a link to it on DakkaDakka since i figured that with so many users at least one of you guys would know how to make it. and where should i move it to?

Alrighty - that'll settle some confusion on the thread, possibly.

Don't mean to offend, just was like... a bit wtf.

But we all start somewhere I suppose.

You seem to be within the 40k universe? (TL:R)

http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/forums/show/16.page

40k Proposed Rules

or if not....

it's its own universe. although some stuff may be based on 40k other stuff is based on star wars, fantasy, space 1892(yes space 1892) and alot of other bits and tidbits. However you guys dont think any of the races are original?

There's not enough detail to even say.

At the risk of sounding rude, you're young. And younger writers/creators tend to be more cliched because the sources they draw from a very limited.

some other sources i remembered i used were, Brave New World, 1984, failed military hardware, and historical events.


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true.
although seeing as most of my free time is spent reading I've picked up alot of things.
Not as much as I want but alot.

I'd advise studying more sci fi and trying to get a very basic start. You can't make a massive universe overnight. Star Wars started out with a handful of planets and two major factions. Now it is a massive universe. I doubt it is rivaled by anything in terms of sheer size and depth.

40k?

jaggedjaw wrote:iHowever you guys dont think any of the races are original?

There is no such thing as something original in fiction.

well what about the original myths?

You can have originality, but it is hard and you have to fight to achieve it. I've devoted myself to avoiding cliches in my fantasy world, but it is nearly impossible to eradicate them all. Few writers achieve it.

well the Eagle Empire is a Highly organized army of zombies and skeletons that were created from the originally Eagle Empire army by their dark master. Does that count for anything?probably not.

jaggedjaw wrote:ok I'll explain some things
1.The Empire has an Emperor who has the last word in all decisions, however, the people elect councilors to represent them and I couldn't remember what you called that type of government so i just put down Democratic Dictatorship.
2.Twilight already ruined vampires. Im just trying to sci-fi them. Also Vampires were a playable race in the first edition of Rouge Trader so please stop bringing it up.

How much power does the Council have in relation to the Emperor? If the council has all the real power it may fit into a Constitutional Monarchy depending on if there is a constitution. It also has the option of being a Republic. The electing of councilors to make decisions is not a facet of democracy, but rather a mark of a republic, democracy is where people vote on issues and effectively rule by majority rule. If the Emperor has all of the power and the council has none why do the people bother voting? Is the Council a ploy by the Emperor to keep the people satisfied? That has some pretty good writing potential imho. It would really just be an Empire then. If the Council and the Emperor rule together it would technically be more of an Oligarchy. A democratic empire is a bit contradictory, not impossible, but you would need to flesh it out a lot more in order for that to work and in a way that wouldn't make a different term more suitable.

Let see for the site itself...

For the Allied symbol, are some of the edges between the colored areas supposed to go over on the outside or is it supposed to be a clean octogon? If the latter try to clean it up, if the former make the differences a bit more pronounced so it doesnt look like a mistake.

For the Opposition symbol... erm... it just needs to be redone. No offenses meant but it just looks like you hastened it together without really putting effort into it. Take an hour and get it to look alright, even if you must stick to ms paint.

Some of the names of the races do need to be scrapped if you're going for an all original type races. Do some digging and perhaps find out what the groups were originally called by the lore that they were inevitably taken from and use them or a variation of. Lepacon immediately springs to mind the irish leprechauns, whom I may add are neither cowards or foolish... clever little buggers really if the tales are to be believed.

Spelling and grammar need to be corrected as well.


I think the bigger questions are these: What is this for and where is it going?
Is this for a game between you and 3 of your friends with an online file so that you can't lose the paper? If so then it doesn't really matter how clean and neat or any of that stuff as long as you and your buddies understand it. If you are looking to make it a game for more people outside of your local group to play then you really need to clean it up. I can't say anything about the background, while I don't like it I am not good with those either so I can't help any there.

Not only would I revise the fluff but I would go significantly deeper into it. When I look to create a race for a story the biggest, most annoying, yet most productive question is: WHY.

You say that the Wit Trols have a superiority complex. Why?
The Frawd have long beards. Why? If its their society then what came about to demand that? Is it an honor based society where wisdom of elders are valued? Is it in a cold climate? Why?
Ulagothians have a variable number of arms or eyes. Why? What is it in their environment that led them to adapt this way?

You get where I am going. I'm taking a writers stance to the fluff and I generally have little interest in making a game out of my lands so I am likely going to have a different take on it then you are. For me, my lands need to be alive in order for me to feel right about describing them to others and they can't be that way if the darned why question isnt answered repeatedly. Of course, I thoroughly enjoy delving into the place and its quite fun to learn about a place as I create it and it may not be so for you as it isn't your goal to describe it, but rather to fight in it. Its your choice as to how much you flesh it out or feel the need to flesh it out.

...can you help me write my fluff? and the names stand. although I will go deeper into the other stuff as well.


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and the council makes laws, taxes, regulates the army, regulates shipping, declares war stuff like that. its just for everything the emperor can veto it if he wants to. and Frawd are basically space dwarfs. And if you wanted to know why its because their are definately going to be high gravity worlds settled and this may happen over time.

Is there a specific part of the fluff you need help with? I can't write your fluff otherwise it wouldnt be yours anymore now would it? I'd be happy to help brainstorm tho.

I'm lost. What exactly is going on?

well you seem to know what your doing and i have next to no experience doing this. and im trying to come up with names for tecno vampire, cyber wolf, Jaharhen, and G.U. names.

...Why is this still in N&R?

Sarrazon wrote:...Why is this still in N&R?

Has someone hit the little Alert Triangle?

The names are honestly some of the most difficult parts. It took me longer to name my horse in Zelda than it took me to beat the final boss so I'm prolly not a good person to ask about naming.

But these are the things I think of when I think of the names thus far.

Tecno vampires: I have to applaud this one because its more creative than what GW would have done. Had this of been the idea of the Blood Angels from the beginning they'd just be Space Vampires, kinda like a certain canine influenced army... anyway lol.

I have a question that may help. The main 'protagonist' like the imperium in 40k uses what kind of language? In 40k for example thhe imperium might call the vampire race as the Lamia due to the roman/latin influence. Is there a linguisitical style to the main faction?

Mods are sleeping. *shrugs*

The B.S.S. is the main race and they speak Ramarien. ant the tecno vampires are vampire cyborgs who feed on energy(not blood).

Dakka mods don't sleep, they wait.

true.


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hey are the Deceived originaler? they are based on the Tera cota army.

Interesting concept. C'tan ish, I like.

You wouldn't happen to know Ramarian? Depending on how far it is from a earth-languages it would add a bit if done right, but if not it ends up in a wtf moment.

Hey, instead of whining to get your post counts up how about you actually help and brainstorm after you hit the mod button so they can move this to the right place? Really dakka...

Their homeworld name is pretty "ehhh", I mean come on, the Deceived come from planet Deception?

Ramarian is the name they gave to Latin however the written language is somewhat different. And their are 4 Great Tecno Vampire clans.
The Thesbians.
The Silicon.
The Magi.
And the Otaku.


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thats the B.S.S. name for it. I haven't decided on their language yet.

Moving thread to Dakka Discussions.

If users wish to participate, please will they do so politely.

ok how?


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Thanks.


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Wait are the 3 parrel(?) dimensions original? I mean realspace(what you see), Hyperspace(borderspace), and Limbo(land of the dead) seem kind of original for a sci-fi game.

I personally like GW's River Trolls more. The JaggedJaw Troll doesn't have good design.

Jes Goodwin should have designed the JaggedJaw Troll.

Their Trolz and they are suppose to be like orcs. only Orks already existed and i wanted something different so i used a less well known example of trolls as the base for Trolz.


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they're

If you've been thinking about this "for five years" as you claim, that means you've been thinking about it since you were ten years old. How many ideas from that age would you still find intelligent now?

I say start from scratch.

Is it any good?
Where do I start?

Even for a 15 year old, I'd say "no".

It's littered with spelling errors and bad grammar apart from bad formatting.

What did you use to write it?
Notepad?

Use word (or Openoffice's version - it's free) and please, for the love of all that is good and right, USE THE SPELLCHECKER. If only one out of every five teenagers does this, the internet would be a far nicer place and posts would be much easier to read.

Learn what colours go together. Bright flourescent green doesn't go with anything (at least for a sighted person) unless you are a necron (or similar humanoid metallic skeletal warrior trope). Study the colour wheel and learn about complimentary colours (and contrasting ones) and WHY they are so.

It's littered with cliches. I know it's hard to come up with a new take on things, but all of these things HAVE been done before, and even the bad ones were done better than you have done. Tecno vampires? Do some more study and try to think of an original angle. I blame JRR Tolkien for ruining fantasy. He took all of these old mythic concepts and merged them together into a semi-coherent whole - and is now the benchmark people are measured against. At the moment it reads like every SF and fantasy trope thrown into a blender.

You've been thinking about this for 5 years - so from the age of 10. Here's an idea. Scribble it down on paper. If it's any good to you in another 5 years, THEN commit it to the internet.

It's amazing what a difference those 5 years will make.

Yes, you have some modicum of imagination, but no discipline or control. It's like a mad-man's lunch - all over the place.
The three parallel dimensions of realspace/hyperspace and limbo have been done before. The trick, like I said, isn't in being completely original with the ideas, the trick is in using a new angle to fit them together. A non-Euclidean angle might help.
I cannot even grade this. It is the literary equivalent of a 'DNF', or worse, a non-starter.

Can do better. Start from scratch. Learn some discipline (you are still at the age when you don't know that you don't know everything, so this might be a shock).

What I want to know is how can a 15yr old create a website when I'm still trying to figure out damn Facebook =/

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

The hell is a tecno?

The Empire is one of the oldest reaming Empires

My crude British sense of humour sense is tingling.

Seriously though, my head is aching and after trying to read through the mumbo jumbo...I gave up.

It is fine that you are creating your own system with its own back story, history, values, beliefs etc but it reads like something only one person can understand...you.. and with that only one person can be that heavily invested in it, again, its you.

If I can point something else out:

refer to hyperspace as "Chaos", rebelled against the Syber Resistance in 2819(still going on)

Is the reference to Hyperspace as Chaos an important distinction to make when discussing the Gopper Underground vs any other grouping? or is this just a throw away comment that means nothing to the Gopper and the universe your creations inhabit?

Is this reference needed?

As it is I immediately thought of the Immaterium and Warp Space and Gw's established background. Laziness that again, put me off.

Marrow
home world:Marrow
approx. number of planet:1,295
noted units:troops, destroyers
fact:Trol sub-species, empire only 6 years old, most advanced civilization so far

A race named after a comedic vegetable?
How is this race, after 6 years, the most advanced civilization so far?
Surely it takes a while to become advanced or is this playground advanced where, if I was to play I could create a race even more 'advanced-er' than yours?

Wouldn't the BSS be more advanced? or the Empire?

Will you be explaining why this is the case?

kobold

Please!


I would rather see spell checked rules with brief descriptions of a universe and a few playable races with their traits etc than your convoluted background which isn't necessary to play the game.

Rules are important, interesting racial traits are important, Caliwajas potted history is not.

ok dont make fun of Caliwaja.


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and the marrow use pulse and obliterate technology as if the stuff is child's play. And what Comedic vegetable?
The Gopper Underground has Chaos Watchers who they believe are vital to all existence. And The whole reason the G.U. are allies is because of their war with the Syber resistance.

if it were me and I was at the stage of getting my concept out there I would:

Playtest the rules along with:
A brief background for setting and possible game narratives.
And brief racial stats and fluff for the same.
Get people other than friends to play and give advice.

Build on that, then tease your audience!

sorry. I have trouble focusing so I just put down what i felt like.


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and one of the guys i was talking to about it said to put down more fluff first.

You got a good many ideas jaggedjaw, I think you need to refine and refine and refine some more on them and work out how things work together.

Also, you are victim, as so many of us are, of being influenced by similar sources of scifi around you. It's difficult, I know from writing adventures as a DM and Storyteller, that you set everything down, reread it and then boggle at how things ended up sounding exactly like something off a show you watch.

Be your own worst critic, be most severe and try to find influence from outside the scifi genre. Consider 2 of the best 40k novel lines around, Gaunt's Ghosts and Ciaphas Cain, they are both directly influenced by the Sharpe novels (gaunts) and the Flashman novels (cain). Both work extremely well but are heavily influenced. It works because it has distance.

Keep at it and don't let the naysayers drag you down. Just be a little more reserved in who you show your work to until you have a far more polished end result than what you're linking here.

For the fan flutterers here who decided to be doubly vitriolic to score points... Well done lads, you just rained down merciless bitching on a 15 year old's initial faltering steps into creative writing, aren't you all very very fething clever... This is for you.

oh that reminds me summery execution is going to be a universal spc. rule.


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is it strange that I like that picture?

jaggedjaw wrote:sorry. I have trouble focusing so I just put down what i felt like.


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and one of the guys i was talking to about it said to put down more fluff first.

You can write everything down form the beginning to the end. You don't have to give up everything to Joe Public, just give them enough to make it interesting and wanting more. gibve your players a reason to play your game in yyour universe with your factions.

Keep it light and don't get bogged down with it.

Whilst on the subject of writing background/fluff make a chart and a timeline so you can keep track of everything.

ok I was going to make a time line chart anyway.

This thread, I feel, will die in fire.

That said, I agree with MGS-the internet is a harsh place and the anonomity it provides just makes it worse. This idea loses all it's point at the implementation stage. It needs extreme fine tuning, and that's saying the least. You've got some interesting idea's but they're all mish-mashed up togther at the minute-I can't tell what's going on at all.

My advice would be to take the blog down for now, scribble the idea's down on some paper, then as someone else has suggested leave it for five years Go to college, see a bit of the world and then com back. I can almost guarentee it'll make a huge difference to the way you see this project.

Wow, I sounded like a real bitch at some points of this post-I wasn't trying to be, I understand how hard it can be to turn a concept into reality. If you're really commited to this, then shoot me a PM and I'll see what I can do.

I update the page and added some rules.


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Also here are the 5 most common werenaughts
devils
brutes
shadows
gargoyles
sack dolls(B.S.S. official name)


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and a tecno is their word for a robot or robot parts

From a technical standpoint, you may want to look at a wiki vs. a blog.

Blogs are fundamentally based around a time or journal metaphor. This is great for 'newsy' stuff, but what you're essentially doing is creating an encyclopedia of a fictional world.

A wiki is more 'random access.' Date stamps are kept, but it's friendly for editing, searching and (most importantly), linking and revising.

By linking, it's very easy in most wiki setups to put a term in brackets... The software then makes a link for you, and if you have used that term before it automatically works, if not you're prompted to make a new page. Very easy.

Revising is useful as old revisions are maintained. For example, Wikis are great when you realize you need to rewrite a section of rules or background.

Moving on to the content, it's pretty rough. A few questions:

What makes this better than other games out there?

Parts feel very derivative... The 'Empire' with a vaguely Germanic leader that uses bolt weapons. Then there's the 'Rouge Legions'...

What's "Hierecy" and why is it sometimes measured in pounds, years, or colors?

measured in colors?
And Hierecy is that empires name.
the year refers to when something happens.
also how do i make a wiki?


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hey is the crew stat unique at all?

chromedog wrote:Is it any good?
Where do I start?

Even for a 15 year old, I'd say "no".

It's littered with spelling errors and bad grammar apart from bad formatting.

What did you use to write it?
Notepad?

Use word (or Openoffice's version - it's free) and please, for the love of all that is good and right, USE THE SPELLCHECKER. If only one out of every five teenagers does this, the internet would be a far nicer place and posts would be much easier to read.

Learn what colours go together. Bright flourescent green doesn't go with anything (at least for a sighted person) unless you are a necron (or similar humanoid metallic skeletal warrior trope). Study the colour wheel and learn about complimentary colours (and contrasting ones) and WHY they are so.

It's littered with cliches. I know it's hard to come up with a new take on things, but all of these things HAVE been done before, and even the bad ones were done better than you have done. Tecno vampires? Do some more study and try to think of an original angle. I blame JRR Tolkien for ruining fantasy. He took all of these old mythic concepts and merged them together into a semi-coherent whole - and is now the benchmark people are measured against. At the moment it reads like every SF and fantasy trope thrown into a blender.

You've been thinking about this for 5 years - so from the age of 10. Here's an idea. Scribble it down on paper. If it's any good to you in another 5 years, THEN commit it to the internet.

It's amazing what a difference those 5 years will make.

Yes, you have some modicum of imagination, but no discipline or control. It's like a mad-man's lunch - all over the place.
The three parallel dimensions of realspace/hyperspace and limbo have been done before. The trick, like I said, isn't in being completely original with the ideas, the trick is in using a new angle to fit them together. A non-Euclidean angle might help.
I cannot even grade this. It is the literary equivalent of a 'DNF', or worse, a non-starter.

Can do better. Start from scratch. Learn some discipline (you are still at the age when you don't know that you don't know everything, so this might be a shock).

@OP:
1 - Reread the above. Ten times.
2 - Do everything it suggests. Seriously.
3 - ????
4 - Profit!

Look, you're obviously not lacking in imagination, but (and I feel terrible for saying this) you're not "old" enough. Your work, besides being almost unreadable, has content that is simply not complex enough or dynamic enough for an adult audience. Trust me, most of us have gone through this phase. I remember a time when I had ideas just like yours. Read more. Especially focus on what authors do to make their stories come to life. It will take time - probably more than you will ever want to spend. That's okay. By sitting down and taking people's suggestions, and thinking really hard about what "fits" to make your story interesting, you will at least be able to produce work at a level where the Internet will not ridicule you.

Trust me on this. I've tried on and off for several years to produce short fiction from the ideas/stories flying around in my head. I have only barely been able to reach what I would consider slightly comparable to the style of BL books - and even then, I lack a solid long-term story arc, leaving my content firmly in the "short story" realm. Furthermore, BL books are not really considered especially high-level works, and I'm not even there yet. All I'm trying to say is that you need to sit down and slowly plot out all the ideas you have, then strip out all the ones that "don't fit." Once that's done, do it again until you have only a few left. Develop those, and build from there.

...Okay I'm rambling a bit here. Seriously though, chromedog has good suggestions.

Hey, I see you have posted a game you were making on the forums, but have gotten a bit of mixed results for good feedback. So I thought I would help you out.

The game you posted on the blog is not for mass consumption in any way. The rules are piecemeal and the fiction is confusing and generic, but don't feel too bad any person making a game starts this way and gets the same results. Just like painting or making music anything the first couple things you make will suck allot. You wouldn't want to see some of the earlier games me and my friends created. They were terrible even worse than this. So let me show you a couple things that can help you be a better game designer.

Here are a couple rules to start things off.
1) Don't recreate games that have already been done. Even if you paint the Mona Lisa and make it better no one is going to care because people already like the Mona Lisa. However if you make the Mona Lisa out of Bacon then people will love you for it. If you take something old and give it a really good twist people will love you for it.

2) It is important to reinvent your game many times. Writers don't keep editing the same book over and over again, they rewrite it. I know it seems like a small difference but you need to have separate copies of the old and new version of the book or game to see how these changes actually impact game play.

3) Game mechanics are not about creating rules to play the game; it’s about using rules to shape how your players act and create an experience. That definitely sounds cheesy, but this is the big difference between fluid and fun, vs. complicated. A good example of this is axis and allies, it has way to many rules and is really complicated, but all those rules create a effective WW2 simulation that players keep playing year after year. Personally I don't like axis and allies, but that beside the point

Finally, a bit of light... well lots of reading to give you a professional view on how to make games. Read the art of game design. Whether you have to beg borrow or steal, to get this book do it. ..... well not steal of course

http://artofgamedesign.com/

If you’re serious about making a game on any level you will want to read this book. If you want to make a great game but don't want to learn how first, just put your pen down and stop. Just go play games instead. Game design is small and competitive market where there are so many other people doing the same thing you are trying to do. So if you can't stop, learn, and take genuine stock of your abilities and the game you are making you might as well save yourself a whole bunch of time and effort.

With that being said don't give up because people make fun of you and your game, just be realistic about what you have.

Good luck.

MeanGreenStompa wrote:You got a good many ideas jaggedjaw, I think you need to refine and refine and refine some more on them and work out how things work together.

Also, you are victim, as so many of us are, of being influenced by similar sources of scifi around you. It's difficult, I know from writing adventures as a DM and Storyteller, that you set everything down, reread it and then boggle at how things ended up sounding exactly like something off a show you watch.

Be your own worst critic, be most severe and try to find influence from outside the scifi genre. Consider 2 of the best 40k novel lines around, Gaunt's Ghosts and Ciaphas Cain, they are both directly influenced by the Sharpe novels (gaunts) and the Flashman novels (cain). Both work extremely well but are heavily influenced. It works because it has distance.

Keep at it and don't let the naysayers drag you down. Just be a little more reserved in who you show your work to until you have a far more polished end result than what you're linking here.

For the fan flutterers here who decided to be doubly vitriolic to score points... Well done lads, you just rained down merciless bitching on a 15 year old's initial faltering steps into creative writing, aren't you all very very fething clever... This is for you.

Prudence often demands calling a spade a spade. This is not the work of an ambitious but capable young writer that simply needs refinement or direction. A 15, even the bare minimal amount of paying attention in English class should instill in oneself the basics of writing, like basic elementary grammar, or even the ability to hit F7 and spellcheck things. This is the work of some brat with typographical diarrhea who thinks it's okay to blatantly and unapologetically rip off every component of all the other Sci-Fi settings he likes. It is is beyond atrocious. It is past the point where it can be redeemed. And in the wolrd of writing fiction - where, inherently, you care about how other people view your work - if he can't take some well-deserved flaming and chooses to give up rather than trying to understand why what he did is so bad, then he probably shouldn't be trying to write at all.

*slow clap (the admiring kind not the ironic)

This is dakka at its finest: critical, mean spirited and unnecessarily insulting.

Keep up the good work.

Avantegarde there is an ignore button. In fact this is what I have just used for the first time for Ostrakon.

Why? He's right. There is nothing redeeming about the crap linked.

doomworcs wrote:Avantgarde there is an ignore button. In fact this is what I have just used for the first time for Ostrakon.

I'm not being sarcastic. I thought I made that clear at the beginning of my post. I approve of his actions and those of anyone else who was harshly ripping on the OP. It has nothing to do with the quality of the blog, although it is lacking, but more with the idea that posters should be free to flame anyone they want at the drop of a hat for any pretext no matter how flimsy it may be.

And what gives him the right to treat someone so poorly?

When someone brings a badly painted model to the painting section, do people say this is utter crap, don't show your face here again oh and by the way your a waste of human life. He is talking crap about this poor kid because he thinks its funny.

We shouldn't coddle people and their work if its bad, but you can tell someone that you don't like there work without resorting to insults just because you find insulting people fun.

doomworcs wrote:

When someone brings a badly painted model to the painting section, do people say this is utter crap

...I do...

Fafnir, I am not saying don't tell people there work is bad when its bad. Thats ok. I'm just saying leave the personal attacks out of it.

doomworcs wrote:And what gives him the right to treat someone so poorly?

When someone brings a badly painted model to the painting section, do people say this is utter crap, don't show your face here again oh and by the way your a waste of human life. He is talking crap about this poor kid because he thinks its funny.

We shouldn't coddle people and their work if its bad, but you can tell someone that you don't like there work without resorting to insults just because you find insulting people fun. :soapbox

I have the right to flame people how I please as long as I'm within the rules of the forum. Sometimes you just need to flame someone to express how truly terrible their ideas or abilities are. Dakka has, or I should say had, a history of being nasty which was one of the things that made Dakka great. Lately the forums have been going soft with Rule No. 1 creeping in more and more with the mods quick to lock whenever someone has their feelings hurt.

I know this is a site catering to adults playing with toys but at some point they need to grow some thick skin and man up. Either you learn to take criticism no matter how harsh it is and improve yourself or be a whiny quitter.

doomworcs wrote:And what gives him the right to treat someone so poorly?

The same rights that let people post whatever half-baked nonsense that pops into their heads, perhaps?

I love how style has come to outweigh substance in our culture. Politeness for its own sake is meaningless, and is cultivating a generation of thin-skinned narcissists and omphaloskeptics who are incapable of taking any form of criticism.

The OP has created something so abysmal that the only way to criticize it is to give a proportionately intense reply. It reads like an 8 year old wrote it, and if the OP was actually a little kid I would understand that. (Actually, I should have asked before I started flaming it, but I was way too perturbed by that nonsense to think straight.)

But he isn't. He's 15. He's past the point where he needs to be coddled and told his "work" needs a couple revisions when it should be scrapped entirely.

Who set you up as an arbiter of style?

If you don't think something is good, either give constructive criticism or stay out of the thread.

People can make their own mind up about things, they don't need you telling everyone it's bad, you're only doing that for selfish enjoyment.

Dakka Dakka isn't a forum for people to rip the crap out of other people.

Ostrakon wrote:You have raped Fiction, and forced her little brother Setting to watch as you manhandle her. You taped this debauchery and sent it to her cousin, Game Mechanics.

You have done something few have been able to do. Make a comment awesome enough for me to sig it.


P.S. This about sums up your question of "is it good?" :



It lacks plot, setting, creativity...it lacks everything. I can't give very detailed criticism because, quite frankly, the whole thing needs to be reworked, almost completely.

...I didn't know there were books on making games. Thanks that will help ALOT!!!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
ok that book is awesome. Monkeys on banana surf boards wow.

I'm sorry jaggedjaw, but what you are trying to do isn't working out. Work on it a lot, and then when you think it is done work on it some more. Take some courses on creative writing or something that will help with the fluff.

The best way to have a good ideas is to have a lot of ideas.
– Linus Pauling
can anyone explain that to me?


Automatically Appended Next Post:
You’ve got your fancy pens, your fancy paper, your fancy coffee, some toys,
some modeling clay, everything you think you might need to be creative. Now you
are waiting for that brilliant idea to come. Mistake! Don’t wait — just start writing
down everything you can think of that is remotely connected to your problem.
Write down every stupid idea that comes into your head. And a lot of them will be
stupid. But you have to get the stupid ones out of the way before the good ones
start showing up. And sometimes a stupid idea becomes the inspiration for a genius
idea, so write it all down. Don’t censor yourself. You have to give up your fear of
being wrong and your fear of looking silly. This is hard for most of us to do, but it
comes with practice. And if you are brainstorming with other people, certainly don’t
censor them — their stupid ideas are just as good as your stupid ideas!

jaggedjaw wrote:The best way to have a good ideas is to have a lot of ideas.
– Linus Pauling
can anyone explain that to me?


Automatically Appended Next Post:
You’ve got your fancy pens, your fancy paper, your fancy coffee, some toys,
some modeling clay, everything you think you might need to be creative. Now you
are waiting for that brilliant idea to come. Mistake! Don’t wait — just start writing
down everything you can think of that is remotely connected to your problem.
Write down every stupid idea that comes into your head. And a lot of them will be
stupid. But you have to get the stupid ones out of the way before the good ones
start showing up. And sometimes a stupid idea becomes the inspiration for a genius
idea, so write it all down. Don’t censor yourself. You have to give up your fear of
being wrong and your fear of looking silly. This is hard for most of us to do, but it
comes with practice. And if you are brainstorming with other people, certainly don’t
censor them — their stupid ideas are just as good as your stupid ideas!

These aren't especially areas where you are lacking imho. You have plenty of ideas, and clearly you have no issue spilling them out everywhere. Unfortunately, you seem to stop there.

The implication in that second quote is that while you shouldn't censor yourself... some of your ideas will be stupid and silly and untenable. You need to go through your work and strip out all of that. You've gotten through step 1: you have your ideas written down. Now is the time to flesh them out fully. There's a difference between not censoring yourself, and just spewing ideas onto your medium. Start at the beginning, now that your ideas have manifested. Think about the direction you want to take your narrative (rules for a game will follow after this process). Strip out ideas and flaws - look at your work as if you had never heard of it before... think like someone from this forum (and try to tear your work apart). Then go through the "good" ideas that are left, and look at how to make your ideas unique, especially if you're ripping stuff from existing canon. Change things, add twists, do anything and everything you can to make the story different. Add intrigue, add slow development. Governments don't spring up overnight, and neither does technology. Often we take a step back before taking a couple steps forward. Characters don't lead inherently happy lives - or if they do, it's extremely boring. Again, I find myself rambling, as there is a great deal of your work that is "unreadable" and I cannot contain all my critique in one post. I'm sorry about that.

Since you seem to have a lot of focus on fictional histories and intergalactic politics, I recommend reading up on a few things, such as Political Science, Creative Writing, and World History. Oh, and perfect spelling is mandatory. This is absolutely serious.

ok.


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I just randomly brainstormed tecno zombies. should I use them?

jaggedjaw wrote:The best way to have a good ideas is to have a lot of ideas.
– Linus Pauling
can anyone explain that to me?


Automatically Appended Next Post:
You’ve got your fancy pens, your fancy paper, your fancy coffee, some toys,
some modeling clay, everything you think you might need to be creative. Now you
are waiting for that brilliant idea to come. Mistake! Don’t wait — just start writing
down everything you can think of that is remotely connected to your problem.
Write down every stupid idea that comes into your head. And a lot of them will be
stupid. But you have to get the stupid ones out of the way before the good ones
start showing up. And sometimes a stupid idea becomes the inspiration for a genius
idea, so write it all down. Don’t censor yourself. You have to give up your fear of
being wrong and your fear of looking silly. This is hard for most of us to do, but it
comes with practice. And if you are brainstorming with other people, certainly don’t
censor them — their stupid ideas are just as good as your stupid ideas!

Why would you need this explained to you? This is really cut and dry.

jaggedjaw wrote:ok.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
I just randomly brainstormed tecno zombies. should I use them?

Oh my...

jaggedjaw wrote:The best way to have a good ideas is to have a lot of ideas.
– Linus Pauling
can anyone explain that to me?

You have to try a little harder, man. For starters, when you are quoting something, don't typo "a good idea" as "a good ideas". Take things a bit slower.

Ordo Dakka wrote:

jaggedjaw wrote:ok.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
I just randomly brainstormed tecno zombies. should I use them?

Oh my...

Been done before...

http://games.rackham-e.com/en/at-43/oni#

Actually even samurai punk zombies has already been done...

http://wyrd-games.net/shop/product.php?productid=16170&cat=259&page=1

well i thought id ask.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
come to think of it aren't servetors robot zombies?


Automatically Appended Next Post:
updated the page. added new phase.

jaggedjaw wrote:...I didn't know there were books on making games. Thanks that will help ALOT!!!

I don't think Alots are very good game designers.

As to how to make a wiki: Much the same way you make a blog, but on a different site. Try http://www.wikia.com/Wikia

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!


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http://shadowwar.wikia.com/wiki/Shadow_War_Wiki
heres the wiki. better move the stuff over


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can someone help me with it?

Good.

You seem to have plenty of feedback, so I suggest you go and do some reading and writing before you come back with your revised materials.