Ok guys, I need some advice on a bit of a situation I have.
In a nutshell, my girlfriend hates that i play wargames. Now I don't ever force her to play (i asked her once and got my head bitten off), I never paint when she's there, I never mention it. She knows that I always play on a thursday evening (so I she knows I can see her 6 days out of 7 if im not working), but she always tries to find ways around this. Like i'll ask her to go see a movie on a monday. "I'm busy". is the response. I dont ask her the next day, but ask again on Wednesday. "I'm busy". Comes the reply. Then on thursday I'm asked to go, then get shouted at for telling her no. This happens far to regularly for it to be a case of her being busy every Mon/Wed (which I know she is not).
But it's getting much worse than this.
She has been saying she is feeling "less" attracted to me because she feels that this hobby is "uncool". She says she'd rather hear about when I play football(soccer) than about hanging out with my friends on a Thursday. It's getting to the stage now where she is pressuring me to drop the hobby for her.
I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.
Well I'm not a guidance counsellor or anything but any relationship involves give and take and a bit of compromise. If she isn't willing to compromise on your hobbies and interests then it probably won't work in the long run.
It sounds like shes one of the people who thinks it is the lamest thing ever, I wouldn't say break up with her, but just let her know that your not dropping the hobby, so if she really has feelings for you shell understand.
Hopefully that works... if not...she might be a bit ignorant lol.
I guess it depends what is more important, her or your hobby. This is something only you can tell so it's a personal decision.
However you do need to consider whether you want to be with someone who is happy to leave you because they look down on your hobby. It's not that it takes up all your time (which would be a more acceptable reason to dislike it) but just that it is uncool.
But anway as I said at the start, only you can decide.
An old friend of mine had that problem. He chose her and sold his gaming stuff.
A few years later, when the divorce was final, he got back into gaming and painting.
Moral: She sounds unreasonable and manipulative. Decide if this is what you want or not. If not, then keep gaming. If she decides to leave you over your hobby thats her problem.
Relationships are about compromises, everybody has there own interests and hobbies and should be allowed to indulge them. Plus if she is startting to feel less attracted to you because you are doing something that is percieved as "uncool" then she is more worried about what people think about you and by extention what they will think of her, this is no way for a relationship to work, if you love/care about somebody then you dont care what other people think about them or whether they would be considered "cool."
If you give up your hobby, spending time with friends you will regreat it and will eventually resent that you gave up something you loved to do, especially if she is not making similar compromises for you which it certainly sounds like she isn't nor would be willing to. So my advice end it and look eslewhere, yes it might be hard and you might be unhappy for a while, but in the end it will be for the best.
She doesn't sound very reasonable to me, Thursday is your "busy" night. She sounds a bit controlling, any other hobbies you're not allowed to do? Sounds awful, I share a lot of interests with my wife, not everything but a fair bit. I don't mind the things we don't share interest in but we are different people and have individual interests that the other should respect, I wouldn't put up with being told to drop something all together because it doesn't fit in with her idea of 'cool', it seems selfish, to put her own self image or the opinions of others before your own happiness.
what came first, this girl or your hobby. If she knew you gamed before going out, sorry shes out. If the latter it's whats more important to you. This from a guy who has gamed since 1975, married 31 years with 2 kids grown and on their own.
Relationships are strange and basically give and take.
Adam was in Garden of Eden, uncomfortable for a reason he couldn't explain, when the Lord came to him and said:
"Adam I see your are not happy."
Adam said:
"Yes Lord, but I don't understand why, Eden is so perfect!"
The Lord replied:
"I understand Adam, you are lonely, and I have a plan to fix this!"
Adam Said:
"Thank you Lord, that's wonderful!, How?"
The Lord replied:
"I will create a beautiful, flawless, intelligent, loving, companion for you, your equal in every way! I'm just going to need, one each of your eyes, legs and arms."
To this Adam replied,
"Lord, those all work best in pairs, forgive me for questioning, but I'm not sure what I would do without them! While that sounds wonderful, what could I get for something I don't need, say perhaps a rib?"
Then of course, the spiritual aside, there exists mathematical proof of Women being Evil:
All intended humorously. Good luck, that sounds tough.
I would never presume to tell my wife what she can and can't do at any given time and likewise nor she. That's the thing about relationships; it doesn't mean that you control the other person or that you have to spend 100% of your time together; a little space is a healthy thing.
Ya, in all seriousness, if she really likes you this kind of thing wouldnt matter to her. Being upset you spend more time with your mini's than her is one thing, but simply being upset that you are doing it at all is wack and controlling.
Tell her what do you think is a bigger issue, the fact you quietly play nerd games with your friends once a week, or the fact she thinks it's ok to judge you and let it effect your relationship.
My wife is pretty cool and accepting of anything I do, and that's something I really appreciate about her. Lots of exes though attempted stuff like this, not about hobbying as I am kinda in the closet about it in real life lol, but other stuff. They were very rapidly kicked to the curb. If she can present a legitimate reason she doesnt like it beyond that it embarasses her, listen and communicate and see if you can't get to the root of the problem. If she is just worried what her friends will think, well then I'd probably say she's the one with insecurity issues that need looking at before you tackle wargaming lol.
Im inclined to say - dont bother, there are others out there. However, if keeping her is important, then you could try:
- moving your gaming session to a mon, tues, wed (as she's busy then);
- not talking about it with her around (my wife is happy enough for me to game/model, but she isnt exactly interested, so we talk about things we are both intersted in);
- and in all other ways keeping the two separate (ie, if she comes around, dont have the mini's on the table).
If this isnt enough, and she is still concerned cos its 'uncool', you may have found the single most shallow person in existence - quite an acheivement.
If she can't accept something which you enjoy, she's probably looking out for what people think of her, ergo, she's shallow and not worth your time. I would ditch her and find someone who, at the very least, does not care that you do wargames, at the very best, takes an active interest in it.
If she's that intolerant of something you clearly enjoy, it's time to find someone else. A big part to relationships is learning to make comprimises and if she hasn't learned that lesson yet, then it's time to find someone mature.
My GF would never play a wargame in a million years, she's not into it at all and also thinks it's nerdy but she's glad I have a hobby that I enjoy no matter what it is. she just asks that I keep my saturdays free for her, and even though thats when my friends always play, I'm fine with that because there's 6 other days of the week that I can set up a time to play if I want to, and she could care less what I do on a sunday or monday or any other day.
Liking gaming should not be a prerequisite for a girlfriend, accepting that you like it should. Man up, and respectfully let her know that this is part of what you enjoy doing and that she needs to accept it. Sounds like she is far more concerned with how she feels your hobby reflects on her than she is with how much you enjoy it. That's not a recipe for a good relationship.
3 outcomes are possible.
1-If she leaves, then it's for the best. Mind you it will hurt, anyone who says otherwise is selling something.
2-If she stays, you've established that you are a person who deserves to be respected for who you are. It will set a very good tone for the relationships.
3-If you give in it won't be long before she finds other things she doesn't like about you to make you change and that's nothing but a long spiral down to breakup/divorce.
Just to clarify the situation.
1)How old are you?
2)Are their living arangements that would be in jeopardy if she dumps you?
3)How long have you been together?
None of the above would change my advice, but it would clarify what you're up against.
Lastly, as I stated first, liking gaming shouldn't be a prerequisite. My wife really dislikes gaming, but it doesn't at all change her commitment, attration, or respect shown to me.
Eilif wrote:Liking gaming should not be a prerequisite for a girlfriend, accepting that you like it should. Man up, and respectfully let her know that this is part of what you enjoy doing and that she needs to accept it. Sounds like she is far more concerned with how she feels your hobby reflects on her than she is with how much you enjoy it. That's not a recipe for a good relationship.
3 outcomes are possible.
1-If she leaves, then it's for the best. Mind you it will hurt, anyone who says otherwise is selling something.
2-If she stays, you've established that you are a person who deserves to be respected for who you are. It will set a very good tone for the relationships.
3-If you give in it won't be long before she finds other things she doesn't like about you to make you change and that's nothing but a long spiral down to breakup/divorce.
Just to clarify the situation.
1)How old are you?
2)Are their living arangements that would be in jeopardy if she dumps you?
3)How long have you been together?
None of the above would change my advice, but it would clarify what you're up against.
Lastly, as I stated first, liking gaming shouldn't be a prerequisite. My wife really dislikes gaming, but it doesn't at all change her commitment, attration, or respect shown to me.
To answer your questions Eilif:
1) I'm 24 and she is 23
2) I live alone while she lives with her parents.
3) 8 years - played warhammer on and off, but i've only been living alone for 2 years - she was aware I did it, but didn't want to know about it so didnt really know what was involved. Now shes's seen my models lying around the flat etc.
Some responses here sound a little hostile or defensive, but I find myself agreeing with them even so. The fact that she seems to want to change this aspect of your life might be a warning sign that she wants you to change in ways you're not prepared to do.
The wargaming may not be the issue here. I mean, it is the issue, but not the real issue. Does she know the "real you" in all of your dimensions? Does she accept that person?
I'm assuming she's an important part of your life, so I won't casually suggest you "get rid of her" or anything like that.
Instead I will ask, what's her real problem with the wargaming? And what does that problem tell you about her sense of the relationship?
Youre in a catch 22 situation. If you give up gaming for her, at some point she will run out of things to make you do, get bored and dump you. Best thing to do is to stand up to her.
Basically, you are a person that enjoys playing wargames.
She does not like that you enjoy playing wargames.
Ergo, she does not like you for who you are. She is with you because she wants to change you, the root of the failure of a lot of relationships.
I think you'll notice 2 common trends in everyones replies
1. Shes really not worth the effort kick her to the curb
2. People who are married (like myself) or in a relationship dont have this problem because there partner sees warhammer for what it really is...a hobby...in the grand scheme of things you could be doing far FAR worse with your free time.
I'd cut your loses, the kind of mickey mouse games shes playing might have been cute and cuddly when you guys were 14 but not so much when your 24
Slippery slope, you have 1 day a week for something you enjoy. If you give this up for her, then the next hobby she will permit/deny, and so on. It is your decision not hers. I guess I would let her know you will always have some hobby she may not enjoy, but this is for you not her. If she cannot handle that she has an issue, maybe a little immature thinking that you need to change to suit her every need. I had many a hobby that my girl friends did not like in the past. Years later I have a wife, and she does not like all of my hobbies, however she knows that it is a positive outlet for me to socialize and compete in some way. As a result of this I get to have some "me" time, it is reciprocal she gets her time as well for things she likes that I have no interest in.
If it does not work out it is not due to hobbies you choose, but boundaries being ignored or not repected.
3) 8 years - played warhammer on and off, but i've only been living alone for 2 years - she was aware I did it, but didn't want to know about it so didnt really know what was involved. Now shes's seen my models lying around the flat etc.
You are both very young. Your pre-frontal cortex hasn't even developed yet (Probably not hers either). It's not like you are boozing or engaging in self destructive behavior, so just explain to her that your hobby is important to your as it helps reduce your stress and provides a level of happiness. If she can't accept that due to her immaturity and view of the hobby.....well as I've said you are both very young...and the ocean is teeming so to speak. But, just be honest and upfront now else it will simply cause future rifts.
/Date advice night on Dakka
//Or, you can just roll off with her. 4+, she deals with it.
AS a married man... anyone who tries to control what you do in your spare time, ditch. Her being controlling will only lead to heartbrteak in the long run.
If my girlfriend told me to choose her or the hobby, I would choose her without hesitation. Then again, she would never do that. That's why she's my girlfriend. The fact that you are even considering picking this hobby over a relationship pretty much means that she's not the one. Move on.
One night a week is hardly that much. If she's looking for you to change because it's "uncool" then she's not particularly mature. I feel sorry for you though, because breaking it off with a girl is always tough- I only ever had one girlfriend who didn't like my gaming (the rest tolerated it or thought it was cute) and when I eventually broke it off with her I felt horrible. Like others have said, think about it carefully and try and talk it out with her first. How she reacts to that will give you a good pointer to whether it's worth the effort or not. Also consider how much you enjoy your hobby- if you were thinking of dropping it anyhow, then it's not such a big deal, if you enjoy it and it's not damaging your life somehow then it's a much bigger one. Whatever happens, I wish you the best and hope you don't stress out over it too much. Singledom sucks, but you're young yet (he says, only two years older).
My wife (who was a girlfriend at the time I picked up Warhammer) doesn't really participate in wargaming at all. She's happy I have a hobby and even tried picking up Eldar once but found she'd prefer other ways to spend her time. Even though we often have a busy weekend schedule but she doesn't fuss when I make a gaming appointment. I guess my point is that if she's seriously giving you issues about a hobby because then she's probably going to give you issues with other, larger aspects of your life that she doesn't agree with.
Do you constantly tell her about your games and army fluff? I ask because I play the game and can't listen to that for more than 45 seconds before I start thinking of excuses to make a break for it.
Otherwise, yeah, I'd say you could do much better.
My advice would be to just sit down and have a talk to her, and probably explain that this is what you enjoy, and you will continue to do it. Also feel free to point out that there are many many worse things you could be doing with your time and money than building and playing with little plastic army men.
The fact that she wants you to drop it cause it's uncool really does hit off a berserk button, at least for me. If she really does care about you, then sitting down and talking about it should get any underlying problems out into the open. If she's really as shallow as she currently seems, then do dump her, however there is always a possibility that this is just her expression of some other problem that can be fixed.
As the pnp RPG punchline goes, 'no one wants to hear about your character, not even the GM.'
liam0404 wrote:I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.
Flip around the genders on this, and it would be an example right out of every 'signs you need to get out of the relationship now' article that has featured in every teen girl periodical since the dawn of time. Guys trying to control their girlfriend's hobbies/interests/participation is supposed to immediately set off one of those 'danger!' alarms, and it really should for the opposite as well. Saying 'X makes you less attractive' is about as cheaply, blatantly manipulative as you can be, only topped by, 'if you loved me, you wouldn't do X.'
She's saying it's making her feel less attracted to you? Seriously? Presuming the situation is exactly as you've depicted it, you've already made your hobby participation as invisible to her as possible. Something about gaming sticks in her craw, and damn if she isn't going to make herself feel better by making you stop it. It reminds me of a gaming group I used to be part of where one guy's wife simply could not stand the fact he'd hang out with his friends and game. It got to the point where almost as soon as he'd arrive, she'd start calling him, asking when he'd be home, telling him he had to do X and had to come home _now_ (but if we were going out to a bar, or even a strip club, not a peep from her). Even worse, we'd used to hang out with them as a couple, because she was a nice enough person, but it was hard to stay friendly when she so consistently ruined our Tuesday evenings. It reached the point that we stopped gaming with him and immediately drifted out of contact because no one could stand his wife, and he refused to do anything to change the situation.
Long anecdote short, you need to sit her down and have an adult conversation with her. This is your hobby, and this is your one night you spend with friends. She knows it. You've already done everything you can to make it invisible to her. If she can't accept that you have your own life with your own interests that means you spend one day a week somewhere else, that's her problem, not yours.
I have been married 21 years. I played in a metal band when we first met. My wife has been patient with all of my hobbies and interest, of which I can be obsessive about at times. She's a trooper about it though. But she understands, there are much, much worse things that I can do, and knows that many husbands are bad fathers and husbands. I make sure I am not, and this is why we love each other to this day.
liam0404 wrote:Ok guys, I need some advice on a bit of a situation I have.
In a nutshell, my girlfriend hates that i play wargames. Now I don't ever force her to play (i asked her once and got my head bitten off), I never paint when she's there, I never mention it. She knows that I always play on a thursday evening (so I she knows I can see her 6 days out of 7 if im not working), but she always tries to find ways around this. Like i'll ask her to go see a movie on a monday. "I'm busy". is the response. I dont ask her the next day, but ask again on Wednesday. "I'm busy". Comes the reply. Then on thursday I'm asked to go, then get shouted at for telling her no. This happens far to regularly for it to be a case of her being busy every Mon/Wed (which I know she is not).
But it's getting much worse than this.
She has been saying she is feeling "less" attracted to me because she feels that this hobby is "uncool". She says she'd rather hear about when I play football(soccer) than about hanging out with my friends on a Thursday. It's getting to the stage now where she is pressuring me to drop the hobby for her.
I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.
Brother SRM wrote:She's not worth your time. Anyone worth throwing your hobby away for wouldn't ask you to do so in the first place.
Sorry, you're dating a controlling bitch.
A-yup! Sorry dude, but she (Like all women) is gonna try and change you. If you were a "super-jock" you current girl would just complain about you not having enough "intelluctual" interests. ....
Let me give you a little insight into women through the magic of a joke.
A woman goes into a building she has never seen before. She is surprised when she is told that it belongs to dating service, and they have a unique take on dating. They hold a large party with hundreds and hundreds of men, all of them want to get married, and whoever picks them, they will marry. During the party the women are allowed to go into the elevators and pick what ever floor they want. On each individual floor the men will be divided up, a different kind of man per floor. The women can get out on any floor, but once they get out, they cant go any further up, and the elevator wont be able to take anyone back down until the end of the party. So they will have to stay on the floor they pick till tomorrow.
So she decides that she will participate. When she gets into the elevator, the man running it takes it to the 2nd floor. Before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"
He says, "Well the men on this floor arent great looking but they are not hideous, all of them earn a livable wage and are caring, funny, and fairly smart."
"Hmmmmm" She says, "Take me to the next floor."
So he does, and before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"
He says, "Well the men on the 3rd floor are above average looking, have a good moral character, are good lovers and make a nice salary."
"Hmmmm" she says, "take me to the next floor."
One the next floor, before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"
He says, "Well, the men on the 4th floor are smart funny and good looking, they make 200,000 a year, and have 7 inch penises!"
"Hmmmm" she says, "take me to the next floor."
One the next floor, before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"
He says, "Well the men on the 5th floor are all millionaires, look like don juan, make love like a demon, and have 12 inch penises!"
WOW she thinks, imagine what kind of man is on the next floor!
"Take me to the next floor!"
So he does, and when the doors open, the woman sees hundreds of other women, standing around. She turns to the man and asks, "What kind of man is on this floor?"
He answers, "There aren't any men on this floor."
"Then why is it here?" She asks.
"To prove that no matter what kind of man a woman has, she will always want something better."
I've been in your situation. No women I dated previously understood this hobby. I spent my 20's hiding something I derived a great deal of enjoyment from and also a great source of pride. Do you know what I realized? It was the wrong descision. Of course, I didn't realize EXACTLY how wrong I was until recently.
Let me break it down for you. Out there in the world are some amazing women. Some women will give you space, some might be supportive of you and your hobby, others may join you. I've found myself the supportive type at long last and brother, let me tell you, its a different world. I'll marry her before long. Have your cake and eat it too.
If she says it's "uncool" then who is she wanting to be cool with? You get to decide that. Obviously she is worried what "others might think." Those with happy marriages and relationships only worry about what our significant other might think, not the maddening crowd.
Dump her. And find a great woman that lets you do your hobby in peace or even joins in.
If she isn't compromising, offer her different terms. Can you move the game night to monday or something? It would be best to just sit down and talk to her about it. As everyone seems to have already said, you guys need to reach an agreement over this. If she isn't letting you do something you enjoy because she thinks it's "uncool," then she could have other issues with the other stuff you do. I wouldn't get rid of her right away, but if she can't accept you for who you are, then there is no point in dating. After all, there are other fish in the sea...
There's a Space Marine model for every woman you'll meet. There's a Space marine player for every woman you'll date.
There's secretly a gene-stealer controlling any woman who wont let you play Warhammer, and you know what you must do
PURGE THE XENOS!!!!
If she's that important to you, as I suspect she is after 8 years, then make a compromise with her. First try I would attempt to move game night and maybe lessen the painting and movelling time. It sounds like she just wants to break you of the hobby and control you. Even if you give in and get completely broken the pain just starts. They're nice before you're the pet and afterwards it just gets worse. If you feel that you're going down that road, break asap, if its workable salvage it and move on.
Tim the Biovore wrote:Stand your ground. Giving in to this will only make you her bitch, and no fellow Dakkaite will become a bitch on my watch.
Tell her it's your life, your choice, and if she can't acknowledge that, ensure that the door does not hit her on the way out.
QFT
You don't have to dump her like 90% are saying. Women test men at all times, especially the hot ones It's just girl nature, accept it for what it is, a test. When you recognize them, it is pretty easy to deal with, just don't fail them If you give in to her request, you will have failed the test, and that probably leads to this:
Eilif wrote:3-If you give in it won't be long before she finds other things she doesn't like about you to make you change and that's nothing but a long spiral down to breakup/divorce.
You are also telling her that you don't think you are good enough for her as you are, i.e: pretty much telling her to find someone else who is good enough for her.
So stand your ground, tell her you won't drop your hobby because she tells you to (that wording should help her see how silly she is being), and that you expect to be respected even with your geeky side. You can throw in a "I respect you even though you...snore/do something lame/etc, and if she pushes you further, step it up a bit, blow her off the next day, tell her that her talking about warhammer yesterday made you want to play today (even if you're not really going to play)
Good luck, and keep us posted
Taoofss wrote:If my girlfriend told me to choose her or the hobby, I would choose her without hesitation. Then again, she would never do that. That's why she's my girlfriend. The fact that you are even considering picking this hobby over a relationship pretty much means that she's not the one. Move on.
If my girlfriend actually gave me an ultimatum (as opposed to a test, which is what the OP is dealing with), I would choose my hobby, not because I don't love her, but because what you are saying, a worthy woman will not demand that you to quit doing something you enjoy. (feelings would probably subside pretty quickly if she did this too though)
I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.
Sounds like a tough situation. She can move and still fire heavy weapons, and even charge afterward! Make sure you stick to cover and only close when you're sure you can make the kill. Remember, if she turns out to be too much in hand-to-hand, you can always break with Combat Tactics; she is only allowed a consolidate move.
Seriously though, ask yourself this;
If you met a woman who shared her positive traits (I'm assuming she has some,) and was even indifferent to your gaming, would you leave her for the more open-minded one? If yes, then, go ahead and leave her, it'll only be a matter of time until you meet the second woman.
There is a difference from a compromising to create a healthy relationship and being browbeaten because you're not available for her every beck and call.
Also, I suspect that your female friend may have some psychological issues. Behavior like you mentioned is characteristic of someone with very poor self worth. She seems threatened that you have an priority other than you. This fear seems to be causing her to try to denigrate your worth (her attempt to lower you to her level of self-doubt,) by telling you she is "less attracted" to you, and that what you do is "uncool." Nobody deserves to be spoken to that way, not by a stranger, and certainly not by their significant other.
She probably needs to seek therapy. You can tell her that. Bonus points for doing so as your breaking up with her. Double bonus points if you explicitly state that her psychoses are no longer your problem and that she can STFU and GTFO.
liam0404 wrote:In a nutshell, my girlfriend hates that i play wargames. Now I don't ever force her to play (i asked her once and got my head bitten off), I never paint when she's there, I never mention it. She knows that I always play on a thursday evening (so I she knows I can see her 6 days out of 7 if im not working), but she always tries to find ways around this. Like i'll ask her to go see a movie on a monday. "I'm busy". is the response. I dont ask her the next day, but ask again on Wednesday. "I'm busy". Comes the reply. Then on thursday I'm asked to go, then get shouted at for telling her no. This happens far to regularly for it to be a case of her being busy every Mon/Wed (which I know she is not).
But it's getting much worse than this.
She has been saying she is feeling "less" attracted to me because she feels that this hobby is "uncool". She says she'd rather hear about when I play football(soccer) than about hanging out with my friends on a Thursday. It's getting to the stage now where she is pressuring me to drop the hobby for her.
It doesn't matter that she doesn't share your hobby. It doesn't matter that she can't even appreciate what you see in your hobby. The fact that she can't allow for you having hobbies at all is a problem. I'm guessing that she has no hobbies?
Not to mention, shouting at you because you already had plans (which she knew about) is childish and possessive.
Having just got out of a relationship with someone that gave me grief about my hobbies constantly because she had none, it is not a position I would put myself in again. (she did eventually admit that she was jealous that I had things to do that interested me while she did not)
The problem is not really that you are participating in a niche hobby or that you actively play with toy soldiers it's rather the fact that she wants you to give up something she doesn't understand or find interesting herself.
That is, arguably, what makes a couple; you find differences in each other that you find acceptable and even likeable. She doesn't think that way, she thinks that she can change you to suit her.
At what point will that behaviour stop? You'll be asking for permission to take up fishing next or going to the gym.
You need to take stock in what you think is important;
1. Be the person who YOU want to be. The person you feel most comfortable with and the person you want to be when you find the partner you truly love.
2. Be the person SHE wants you to be. The person she has created and in doing so forever be under her thumb. No matter which way you dress it up by saying you changed for love, you will still be under her thumb.
Here is my two cents; women are complicated creatures just like us men. A major difference between us is this; if something is bugging a man he will focus on that and fix it until it doesn't bug him, hence your thread. You have an issue and you want some advice on the issue so that you can fix.
Now women are a bit different when they have a problem, they attack other "problems" rather than the real issue. Like your girlfriend she doesn't like "gaming". Which is bogus, if she loves you she wouldn't mind your gaming.
To fix your problem I would stop worrying about gaming, its your hobby and you're are going to play. It isn't going to affect your life or your girlfriends life in a negative way at all, only if both of you let it. You won't have to choose between them either. I would tell her this but not in a take it or leave it attitude but with compassion. Tell your girlfriend she is important and that gaming is just a hobby nothing more.
Now to your real problem, your girlfriend is insecure. There can be a lot of reasons for this; the first is because of you but not really a problem because you can fix it easily. That is she needs your sincere attention. What I mean by sincere is take more interest in what she is doing, tell her you are taking more interest by asking about what is going on in her life. Ask her about an issue she may have complained about a week ago and see how it went. When you are with her tell her how much you appreciate being with her, I dare say how you LOVE to be with her. When she says she is busy tell her that is ok and that you miss her. When she asks to do something on a Thursday say yes no problem at least once. Maybe in the future ask her to do something on Thursday yourself. If she asks about why you are blowing off gaming for the night say that you missed her and wanted to spend some time with her. In short make sure your girlfriend feels appreciated which is much simpler than it seems.
Ok now to back up what I am saying, I am married now and my wife wants me to have gaming as my hobby. She doesn't care for it but she likes that I like it. It is how women work, if they love you they want you to be happy, crazy huh? Before we were married she had no idea I gamed; I keep it quiet because of people's initial reactions to it. I am not ashamed of gaming I am just tired of the odd looks. My wife at first didn't like it because of the stigma surrounding it. Then she got to know that side of me and know she loves it. She even likes to buy miniatures for me. Other girlfriends in the past have done the same thing and ultimately they aren't bothered about the hobby at all.
Just remember that you have to work at every relationship in your life, some are easier than others like you gaming buddies but some take a lot more effort like your girlfriends. Also compare what you get out of them, hopefully your are more satisfied with your girlfriend than your gaming buddies but that is how it should be.
Last thing if you are doing your best to have a relationship with your girlfriend and issues like this still come up then you should consider dumping her, not because she is a B@#$% but because you guys just aren't compatible and there is nothing wrong with that.
Ask her to be reasonable and be prepared to dump her if she won't be. Enjoyable hobbies and friends who share your interests are harder to find than a decent chick who'll actually enjoy your company for who you are, not for what she wants you to be.
From what you've said its her that is out of order, not you.
Of course, if you've been going out for a long time you might want to think hard before giving her the heave-ho, and perhaps discuss it first! But if she can't accept you and everything you are, its not worth persuing the relationship as you'll end up resenting each other and having bitter arguments.
Personally, back when I started dating my (now) wife, nearly 2 decades ago, she used to get jealous of my hobby time. We sat down and had a good talk about it. At the end, I calmly and nicely said that she could either accept me for what I was and what interested me, and accept that it wasn't unreasonable for me to want to spend a certain amount of time (once or twice a week) and money on those things, or she could find herself another boyfriend. Whatever her choice, I wasn't prepared to be moaned at and whinged about any longer (we'd been dating for 6 months, and the whinging had only started to happen for the last couple, IIRC.)
I said I'd much rather we stayed together, but in the end I thought she was being unreasonable and I wasn't prepared to go out with her any more if she persisted in pressing the point. Of course I was sensitive. I loved her (still do). But I also realised that I had to respect myself too, otherwise I wouldn't enjoy life at all. It helped that I knew her enough to realise that a lot of it was about her personal insecurities, and so I made sure she knew I did love her, and wanted to spend lots of time with her, and she was always no. 1 in my life when push came to shove - I made sure she know I wouldn't be wasting ridiculous amounts of money on hobbies, and I would always be prepared to sacrifice my time if something really important to her came up - say a birthday, or family celebration or something.
As we have been married now for nearly twenty years, have 3 lovely children, and I am still involved in my hobbies to an extent that suits us both, you can guess which way she jumped!
Ahh my poor young wargaming friend... My wife of 15 years thinks that my little army guy hobby/addiction is an attractive part of my personality. Apparently, she thinks that since I am a big, biker type, tattoo guy that my hobby balances me & shows a boyish side of me somehow (HEY!! That is just what SHE says). I don't know, and I don't care. I was wargaming LONG before I met her.
My advice would be to tell her that, suddenly, you are finding her less attractive since her non-interest in your hobby, and the fact that she finds it somehow uncool, has shown you just how shallow a person she really is.
Get rid of the 'girl' & go find yourself a woman. You'll be MUCH happier!
Basically I have to agree with everyone else here, Maybe you could buy the upgrade of FNP to endure this time, but if she forces a choice, do what you feel needs to be done. While I do see the appeal of controling women (Seeing how I dated a few in the past) they are at best, difficult and at worst very damaging. In the word of the great commander bill adama, "you sometime have to roll the hard six!" meaning you just have to deal tough situation!
Pael wrote:Here is my two cents; women are complicated creatures just like us men. A major difference between us is this; if something is bugging a man he will focus on that and fix it until it doesn't bug him, hence your thread. You have an issue and you want some advice on the issue so that you can fix.
Now women are a bit different when they have a problem, they attack other "problems" rather than the real issue. Like your girlfriend she doesn't like "gaming". Which is bogus, if she loves you she wouldn't mind your gaming.
To fix your problem I would stop worrying about gaming, its your hobby and you're are going to play. It isn't going to affect your life or your girlfriends life in a negative way at all, only if both of you let it. You won't have to choose between them either. I would tell her this but not in a take it or leave it attitude but with compassion. Tell your girlfriend she is important and that gaming is just a hobby nothing more.
Now to your real problem, your girlfriend is insecure. There can be a lot of reasons for this; the first is because of you but not really a problem because you can fix it easily. That is she needs your sincere attention. What I mean by sincere is take more interest in what she is doing, tell her you are taking more interest by asking about what is going on in her life. Ask her about an issue she may have complained about a week ago and see how it went. When you are with her tell her how much you appreciate being with her, I dare say how you LOVE to be with her. When she says she is busy tell her that is ok and that you miss her. When she asks to do something on a Thursday say yes no problem at least once. Maybe in the future ask her to do something on Thursday yourself. If she asks about why you are blowing off gaming for the night say that you missed her and wanted to spend some time with her. In short make sure your girlfriend feels appreciated which is much simpler than it seems.
Ok now to back up what I am saying, I am married now and my wife wants me to have gaming as my hobby. She doesn't care for it but she likes that I like it. It is how women work, if they love you they want you to be happy, crazy huh? Before we were married she had no idea I gamed; I keep it quiet because of people's initial reactions to it. I am not ashamed of gaming I am just tired of the odd looks. My wife at first didn't like it because of the stigma surrounding it. Then she got to know that side of me and know she loves it. She even likes to buy miniatures for me. Other girlfriends in the past have done the same thing and ultimately they aren't bothered about the hobby at all.
Just remember that you have to work at every relationship in your life, some are easier than others like you gaming buddies but some take a lot more effort like your girlfriends. Also compare what you get out of them, hopefully your are more satisfied with your girlfriend than your gaming buddies but that is how it should be.
Last thing if you are doing your best to have a relationship with your girlfriend and issues like this still come up then you should consider dumping her, not because she is a B@#$% but because you guys just aren't compatible and there is nothing wrong with that.
I read this whole thread and pretty much everyone here is saying ditch her. I completely agreed with all of them until I read this response. You should do what Pael says first, and if that doesnt work, then ditch her. That's some free range wisdom there, frankly, if he hadn't said he was a married man, I would have thought that was a women responding there. (That was meant as a compliment there mate!)
Hmm, I really cant offer any advice. I think you shelter her enough from the game you like to play. You dont play or paint around her, that should be good enough. I think all chicks are like this though; what I mean is that the wife loved that I used to skateboard (long time ago back before it blew up in popularity)and found it incredibly attractive, she also finds it attractive when I play drums and wants me to get into a band, but when I paint, she thinks its nerdy.. I paint all the time in front of my wife and though she feels like its a 'waist of time' I dont get any push back to stop. Maybe thats the difference between wife and gf though. Considering your situation though, it sounds like she only cares about her interest and feelings instead of letting you continue something you love to do, simply because she finds it a little out of the norm. I interpret that as selfish. I dont think its worth giving up things for women, in the end you will grow to resent her, do what you love and what makes you happy! Best of luck!
Look at all this crazy jibba jabba about dumping your girl....FOOL, do you know how many guys on her have only seen a woman naked because they bought some Hasslefree Harem girl miniature......don't be so silly about things.....
Here's what you need to do dude.
Tell her you've stopped playing, just ditch the whole WH40K sadness, and start being coolio about things.....now heres's the pinch, you haven't really dropped it, you're actually lying....YES, you got it....just like you lie about that Porn collection you don't have
Now, while she's giving you what every man needs from his lover, in the background you is still enjoying your freak-time!!!
Now, this next part is tricky, and its gonna take a lot of Jedi power on your part, trust me, and you'll need to do this because you can't keep lying for the rest of your life, and in truth what all the others are saying is really true, you need to dump her....but here's the flick, you never leap from a sinking ship into the ocean, you try to find another ship to jump onto my friend!!!
So while you're lying about your hobby, you're probably gonna have to lie about that other girl you have been flirting with, who is more accepting of you...you here me? As soon as this new girl gives you the thumbs up, drop your current tag like she has rabbies......everyone lives happily ever after, accept your controlling ex....but thats another story brother!
WARNING: Advice given from a non professional help agent, any action taken based on this advice IS for your happiness and best interests only!...BOOM.
liam0404 wrote:Ok guys, I need some advice on a bit of a situation I have.
In a nutshell, my girlfriend hates that i play wargames. Now I don't ever force her to play (i asked her once and got my head bitten off), I never paint when she's there, I never mention it. She knows that I always play on a thursday evening (so I she knows I can see her 6 days out of 7 if im not working), but she always tries to find ways around this. Like i'll ask her to go see a movie on a monday. "I'm busy". is the response. I dont ask her the next day, but ask again on Wednesday. "I'm busy". Comes the reply. Then on thursday I'm asked to go, then get shouted at for telling her no. This happens far to regularly for it to be a case of her being busy every Mon/Wed (which I know she is not).
But it's getting much worse than this.
She has been saying she is feeling "less" attracted to me because she feels that this hobby is "uncool". She says she'd rather hear about when I play football(soccer) than about hanging out with my friends on a Thursday. It's getting to the stage now where she is pressuring me to drop the hobby for her.
I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.
Any opinions appreciated Dakka!
my opinion, is break up, i know its harsh but she doesn't like who you are (i know GW is a hobby but everyone involved do it because they like it), she likes the way she presents you to others.
when you say there may be a compromise, you already have compromised, 1 day a week you set aside for you hobby, then you don't take about it at all to her.
she is one of a certain type of person, a controller or changer, they see their partner as a trophy and an improvement challenge, this will be the first in many things that annoy her and she will continue to get to do stuff that goes against who you are.
If doesn't like you for who you are then you shouldn't be with them.
Just to answer some questions that i've seen in the thread:
The GF doesn't have any hobbies of her own. I've asked her if she would like me to help her find one, but shes unmotivated to do this.
I never talk about warhammer in her presence. All of my stuff is always packed away whenever she comes over to visit.
To the person that asked me why I was dating her - she didn't always act like this. It's happened more so now that I have my own space and she's seen all my stuff. She hadn't really had much to say about it until recently. Something must have set her off, but I honestly don't know what.
Brother SRM wrote:She's not worth your time. Anyone worth throwing your hobby away for wouldn't ask you to do so in the first place.
Sorry, you're dating a controlling bitch.
A-yup! Sorry dude, but she (Like all women) is gonna try and change you. If you were a "super-jock" you current girl would just complain about you not having enough "intelluctual" interests. ....
Let me give you a little insight into women through the magic of a joke.
A woman goes into a building she has never seen before. She is surprised when she is told that it belongs to dating service, and they have a unique take on dating. They hold a large party with hundreds and hundreds of men, all of them want to get married, and whoever picks them, they will marry. During the party the women are allowed to go into the elevators and pick what ever floor they want. On each individual floor the men will be divided up, a different kind of man per floor. The women can get out on any floor, but once they get out, they cant go any further up, and the elevator wont be able to take anyone back down until the end of the party. So they will have to stay on the floor they pick till tomorrow.
So she decides that she will participate. When she gets into the elevator, the man running it takes it to the 2nd floor. Before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"
He says, "Well the men on this floor arent great looking but they are not hideous, all of them earn a livable wage and are caring, funny, and fairly smart."
"Hmmmmm" She says, "Take me to the next floor."
So he does, and before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"
He says, "Well the men on the 3rd floor are above average looking, have a good moral character, are good lovers and make a nice salary."
"Hmmmm" she says, "take me to the next floor."
One the next floor, before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"
He says, "Well, the men on the 4th floor are smart funny and good looking, they make 200,000 a year, and have 7 inch penises!"
"Hmmmm" she says, "take me to the next floor."
One the next floor, before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"
He says, "Well the men on the 5th floor are all millionaires, look like don juan, make love like a demon, and have 12 inch penises!"
WOW she thinks, imagine what kind of man is on the next floor!
"Take me to the next floor!"
So he does, and when the doors open, the woman sees hundreds of other women, standing around. She turns to the man and asks, "What kind of man is on this floor?"
He answers, "There aren't any men on this floor."
"Then why is it here?" She asks.
"To prove that no matter what kind of man a woman has, she will always want something better."
It's funny because it's true.
She can't handle you for who you are. Ergo she doesn't want to be with you she wants to be with who she wants to change you into. So she is with you to change you to suit her wants and not with you for you.
filbert wrote:I would never presume to tell my wife what she can and can't do at any given time and likewise nor she. That's the thing about relationships; it doesn't mean that you control the other person or that you have to spend 100% of your time together; a little space is a healthy thing.
Exactly right! My wife and I have been together for almost 8 years. Before she met me, she wasn't into computers or gaming really at all. Now she actually enjoys it. It also helps that she thinks that geeks are "Teh hawtness" She has a Dark Eldar and Ork army, and we play 40k when we can. But we also spend a bit of our time apart. If I feel like playing video games, she's just as happy watching shows she's recorded that I don't enjoy as much. I'm no therapist, but near as I can tell, our secret is doing enough stuff together that you both enjoy, and have time apart for things that you don't as much with each other. Mind you, this does take a bit of an open mind on both parts. I'm sure there are things that she enjoys that you don't so much.
Try comprimising, and if things don't work out, I hate to say that it's probably for the best. I'm not saying that gamer girls a a dime a dozen, I got lucky. But women that are more understanding and comprimizing are far more common.
It's the familiarity more than anything else as you both get to know more about each other. She see's things she doesn't like, or understand, so she wants it gone.
You already changed enough by hiding your own stuff!
Find someone who will love you for what you are, not for what she can make you into.
Years, and years ago, too long ago when I think about it, my girlfriend found out that I had a motorbike. She wanted me to get rid of it as they were dangerous and she didn't like bikes. 22 years later I have my first accident on a bike despite riding more miles every year than I drive!
It's harsh but you need to find someone who likes YOU, not someone who she can bend to her will.
liam0404 wrote:Ok guys, I need some advice on a bit of a situation I have.
In a nutshell, my girlfriend hates that i play wargames. Now I don't ever force her to play (i asked her once and got my head bitten off), I never paint when she's there, I never mention it. She knows that I always play on a thursday evening (so I she knows I can see her 6 days out of 7 if im not working), but she always tries to find ways around this. Like i'll ask her to go see a movie on a monday. "I'm busy". is the response. I dont ask her the next day, but ask again on Wednesday. "I'm busy". Comes the reply. Then on thursday I'm asked to go, then get shouted at for telling her no. This happens far to regularly for it to be a case of her being busy every Mon/Wed (which I know she is not).
But it's getting much worse than this.
She has been saying she is feeling "less" attracted to me because she feels that this hobby is "uncool". She says she'd rather hear about when I play football(soccer) than about hanging out with my friends on a Thursday. It's getting to the stage now where she is pressuring me to drop the hobby for her.
I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.
Any opinions appreciated Dakka!
I'll be the one to break it to you...
Your "Hobby" isn't the issue. I'm not going to tell you to dump her, but I will tell you that you two need to have a serious discussion about you two's next move, and what the real issues are between the two of you.
We're guys, so it's safe to tell you that when a woman ( or girl) starts making something an issue, it really isn't the real issue. There is usually something underlying that hasn't been dealt with, or that there is something that she perceves is an issue. Your best course of action boils down to sitting down with her and saying, "Honey... What is the real issue that you want to talk about?"
Another tidbit to throw at you is that she may be using your "Hobby" to either tell you she's leaving, or that you aren't really paying enough attention to her.
I don't know your girl, yet, but if I were you, I'd sit down with her and get ready for some serious girlie stuff time and have the conversation and get ready for anything...
Element206 wrote: I paint all the time in front of my wife and though she feels like its a 'waist of time' I dont get any push back to stop.
That's the crucial bit. She doesn't have to like it or even understand why you like it. She just has to accept that you do.
Automatically Appended Next Post:
liam0404 wrote:The GF doesn't have any hobbies of her own. I've asked her if she would like me to help her find one, but shes unmotivated to do this.
My guess is that she resents that you have something to do that isn't related to her. She may even suspect that game night is when you go and see someone else (been there).
Or she may just be testing you to see if you've actually got any backbone.
Your hobbies and interests are part of you, if that's something she loathes, that's a part of your personality she loathes.
You are not suited, or you are being too soft in allowing her to dictate what you do, in that case she will ultimately leave you, women do not appreciate weakness in males, it is unattractive.
Take charge and if she does not like that, leave the girl and get a new one.
3) 8 years - played warhammer on and off, but i've only been living alone for 2 years - she was aware I did it, but didn't want to know about it so didnt really know what was involved. Now shes's seen my models lying around the flat etc.
Thanks for your candidness. As you mention in a later post. you hide your Wargaming stuff when she's over. This is not a good start. Cleaning up for your girl is a good thing. Putting most of your gaming away is a good thing. However, if it seems like you're hiding it from her, you're setting yourself up for her "discovering" it, wondering why you hid it, and possibly wondering what else you may have hidden. You also allow her to think that it's not a big part of your life because it's not around when she's around.
My advice from before stands. No reason to jump strait to dumping her, but no reason to cave either. Have a talk. If you really like her, tell her so, but stand your ground on things you do that do not have an actual negative impact on you or your relationship with her (Hobbies, food you like, etc). She's obviously either ashamed of your activity, uncomfortable with it because she doesn't understand it, or simply insecure (possibly jealous) of an activity that you do that does not revolve around her.
As everyone else has said. When one half of a relationship is allowed to begin to change little things about the other half, it's only the beginning. Relationships with "changers" do not have a good track record. Relationships where both partners have a backbone and respect the other have a much better success rate.
Lastly, I am not telling you not to comprimise. Relationships are built on comprimise and communication and without it they fail. However, this is not comprimise. This is someone coming into your home telling you what to do.
To all those who said "dump her". Your relationship advise is the poo. The sticky dark brown stuff that sticks like glue. Don't give advise unless you have hair "down there" and are above the age of 25.
Welcome to relationships people.
My advice: I can't really give any. Not enough information about ya girl. But communication is important and if she won't go down that path and is willing to dump you because of a small hobby then things arnt good thats for sure.
I have learned one thing. No matter the hobby, as long as you spend a good amount of time with them they don't mind what you do (unless its drugs or something weird like watching reality TV).
OoieGoie wrote:Your relationship advise is the poo. The sticky dark brown stuff that sticks like glue. Don't give advise unless you have hair "down there" and are above the age of 25.
Happygrunt wrote:Introduce her to the door. Ask her to walk through it. Lock it behind her.
Monster Rain wrote:I'd say you could do much better.
Taoofss wrote:The fact that you are even considering picking this hobby over a relationship pretty much means that she's not the one. Move on.
rryannn wrote:get rid of her.
Wolfun wrote:She should grow up and get over it.
A Black Ram wrote:Give her the boot. NOW.
Tails9095 wrote:Drop that bitch like a hot stone.
Necros wrote:If she's that intolerant of something you clearly enjoy, it's time to find someone else.
darkkt wrote: you may have found the single most shallow person in existence - quite an acheivement.
MajorTom11 wrote: If she is just worried what her friends will think, well then I'd probably say she's the one with insecurity issues that need looking at before you tackle wargaming lol.
Hückleberry wrote: not worth the effort. My 2 cents.
filbert wrote:Get a new one.
Brother SRM wrote:Sorry, you're dating a controlling bitch.
snurl wrote:She sounds unreasonable and manipulative.
Excommunicate Traitoris wrote:So my advice end it and look eslewhere
Howard A Treesong wrote:I wouldn't put up with being told to drop something all together because it doesn't fit in with her idea of 'cool', it seems selfish, to put her own self image or the opinions of others before your own happiness.
Mr Mystery wrote:Tell her to get bent. And do it now.
BloodQuest wrote:Tell her you're finding her less attractive since 36,537 of your friends reached a majority verdict that you should tell her to take a hike...
chowderhead13 wrote:Did you keep the recipt? Because you can probably trade her in for some store credit.
Valkyrie wrote: she's shallow and not worth your time.
Xenith wrote:She is with you because she wants to change you, the root of the failure of a lot of relationships.
ironicsilence wrote:I'd cut your loses, the kind of mickey mouse games shes playing might have been cute and cuddly when you guys were 14 but not so much when your 24
Tim the Biovore wrote:ensure that the door does not hit her on the way out.
wolfshadow wrote:Her being controlling will only lead to heartbrteak in the long run.
Kirbinator wrote:I guess my point is that if she's seriously giving you issues about a hobby because then she's probably going to give you issues with other, larger aspects of your life that she doesn't agree with.
glon52 wrote:Drop her now. Do not pass go, just do it.
TedintheShed wrote:Break up with er.
Lord of battles wrote:She sounds seriously shallow. I say leave her if she can't except who you are
Maxstreel wrote:Dump her. And find a great woman that lets you do your hobby in peace or even joins in.
prime12357 wrote:After all, there are other fish in the sea...
Smitty0305 wrote:sounds like a really shallow emotionally unstable women who is VERY passive aggressive. Why are you dating her?
Nephil1m wrote:She probably needs to seek therapy. You can tell her that. Bonus points for doing so as your breaking up with her. Double bonus points if you explicitly state that her psychoses are no longer your problem and that she can STFU and GTFO.
Scott-S6 wrote:shouting at you because you already had plans (which she knew about) is childish and possessive.
Elmodiddly wrote:At what point will that behaviour stop? You'll be asking for permission to take up fishing next or going to the gym.
J'santai Khan wrote:Get rid of the 'girl' & go find yourself a woman. You'll be MUCH happier!
Elmodiddly wrote:It's harsh but you need to find someone who likes YOU, not someone who she can bend to her will.
MeanGreenStompa wrote:Take charge and if she does not like that, leave the girl and get a new one. Man up son.
Eilif wrote:This is someone coming into your home telling you what to do. [/u]
DAKKA HAS SPOKEN!
Automatically Appended Next Post: If she has trouble understanding why you're dumping her, show her this.
Dump that pieces of **&& and get someone new. There's a million other girls out there trust me u'll find one who accepts it. Luckly I i got lucky and found a hottie that does you will too just tkae ur time and play more warhammer!
You've been with her 8 years, so obviously there's a bit of emotional attachment there.
I suggest you sit down and really think about what you want out of the relationship, because you're at the point where you either need to break up or propose.
Talk with her and try to explain how much you enjoy gaming. Hopefully, she'll understand and accept it.
I would say that her not appreciating your interests is a sign of a much bigger issue then she just doesn't like wargaming. Relationships are like partnerships, there is give and take. You both have to deal with the fact that the other one is going to be into stuff that they don't like or find annoying.
Dump her.
If a woman can't accept her man for what he is, foibles and all, and does not accept his (legal) hobbies, then she's just not worth it.
My wife was raised as an uptight Catholic. When she found out I played D&D, it was almost the end of us. Fortunately, she had the wisdom to look beyone the crap that her Father had erroneously drilled into her for years and took the time to see what RPG's and gaming was really about.
Fifteen years later, our marriage is stronger than ever and she has no issues with the fact that my 2 older kids have been gamers at one time or another in their life, the third is on her way there and the grand daughter (who we are adopting on Jan 14th) will be brought "into the fold," as well.
A response to all the “dump her and find somebody new” comments.
You can't always run away from problems, this guy has been with his girl for eight years and just because a little issue like wargaming comes up your best advise is to run? Try being with someone for longer than a month a lot more difficult issues will arise than flippant wargames and what are you going to do when you are married and have a few kids? Cut and run?
Not a good idea.
I am going to put money on the op's gf wanting to get married or that she herself wants to split because of some other problems. Take the sensible advice from the rest of Dakka and talk to her about them and drop the wargaming topic its not the real issue.
Also props to the advice from grakmar, eilif, mgs, and anyone else that is pro relationship all good sensible advice.
Another thing about being a man in the relationship is that you have to be a MAN and that means talking about the tough stuff and telling your gf the truth. You don't have to be a whipping boy, if you want your stuff out on the table when she comes by you can have your stuff out on the table, no need to hide it. If she thinks its messy clean it up, but if its not she can abide by that. Little things like that will give you the biggest clues to who your gf is. If she is angry every time she sees a mini you need to talk about it and resolve it. If she can't let it go no matter what then you can call the relationship off.
Also I am not trying to me argumentitive with anyone else just trying to show the other side of popular opinion. No flames intended.
One other thing 100th post woot woot!! Noob status disappearing!!
She sounds like a total bitch. I should know, I've shacked up with my fair share.
Look, women will never stop trying to change men into what they want. Some women do it to lesser degrees, to where it almost seems like they're not, but trust me, they all do it. It's built in. If you've got one who's this controlling out of the gate, then it will only get worse. I've seen it happen to the best of guys. One minute they're fun, and the next minute they're in handcuffs.
You've got to throw women a bone every once in awhile to let them feel like they're making progress. Maybe stop wearing that Motorhead t-shirt to church or something, you know something easy that they can feel accomplished about. But big investments, and "guy" time activities like gaming should be off-limits.
Pael wrote:I am going to put money on the op's gf wanting to get married
This is my vote. You're at that age and length of a relationship when it's time to get married. She's most likely pissed at you for dragging your feet and thinks you need to "grow up" and propose.
This is especially true if she's got friends who are getting engaged and married.
I tried reading this article, and like a typical teen, I got bored.
So, I'm going to throw out everything written here, and give my opinion. [darn my teenagerlyness.]
1. Think about it. whats more important?
In my personal opinion, there is no point having a relationship with someone who doesn't like something thats a big part of your life.
thats not to say that she has to like your hobby. there isn't anything that you want to do to change that.
2. If you're having second thoughts about going out with her [rather then playing the game] maybe she's not right for you.
3. Gaming is fun. but maybe the relationship is more important.
to put it coldly, if you don't end up working with her, then you could come back to the game?
Dump her, but do it in spectacular fashion. I'd suggest this priority depending on financial capacity
*Sky writing
*Billboard
*Youtube of professional caller at trafalgar Square decrying her deficiencies in a writ form
*choir outside her window singing 50 Ways to leave Your Lover
*Mail her a witty "Congratulations! You've just been dumped!" card
Ok, since I have and do marital and relationship counselling I'm going to be blunt: Break up.
She's got no hobbies by your admission.
She thinks what you do is "uncool".
She lives at home still (hey in this economy, it's not a big deal, but for sociological development, it's a big step).
She's going to break up with you if you don't do what she wants. She's already distancing herself from you, so it's just a matter of time until you hear "we've drifted apart".
I dated someone very similar to that, and I can tell you she isn't worth it. Sure you can give and take and that's all well and good, but if one person isn't being flexible or tolerant of the other, you're heading for misery and resentment.
From your words, she sounds resentful that she is not your total and utter focus. She sounds like she has no desire to DO anything herself. It's not healthy at all. In fact, if you give up the hobby for her, it won't improve the situation at all. It will make it worse.
Howard A Treesong wrote:She doesn't sound very reasonable to me, Thursday is your "busy" night. She sounds a bit controlling, any other hobbies you're not allowed to do? Sounds awful, I share a lot of interests with my wife, not everything but a fair bit. I don't mind the things we don't share interest in but we are different people and have individual interests that the other should respect, I wouldn't put up with being told to drop something all together because it doesn't fit in with her idea of 'cool', it seems selfish, to put her own self image or the opinions of others before your own happiness.
Indeed. i am sure its been brought up already, but the hobby thing is minor. If it weren't that it would be something else.
To all those who said "dump her". Your relationship advise is the poo. The sticky dark brown stuff that sticks like glue. Don't give advise unless you have hair "down there" and are above the age of 25.
Welcome to relationships people.
My advice: I can't really give any. Not enough information about ya girl. But communication is important and if she won't go down that path and is willing to dump you because of a small hobby then things arnt good thats for sure.
I have learned one thing. No matter the hobby, as long as you spend a good amount of time with them they don't mind what you do (unless its drugs or something weird like watching reality TV).
thank you for that thrilling point
nearly everyone is saying that she is being unfair and the OP needs to set things straight with her, even if that means dumping her, for the sole reason that she doesn't actually like who he is.
there is a big difference between being in a relationship and being in a good relationship
Taoofss wrote:If my girlfriend told me to choose her or the hobby, I would choose her without hesitation. Then again, she would never do that. That's why she's my girlfriend. The fact that you are even considering picking this hobby over a relationship pretty much means that she's not the one. Move on.
ChrisWWII wrote:The fact that she wants you to drop it cause it's uncool really does hit off a berserk button, at least for me.
Thats an issue. I thought cool/uncool went out the window after college age when the Real World (TM) introduced itself. Have you checked her OID to make sure she's even legal?
OoieGoie wrote:Don't give advise unless you have hair "down there" and are above the age of 25.
Says the 14 year old making rhymes about poo and then proceeding to give advice.
Elmodiddly wrote:Unless, of course, she has large, firm boobs, in which case ignore us, ditch wargaming and never look at toy soldiers again.
See the quote below, as it is the Lord's sweet truth.
Manchu wrote:Eh, whatever. There are a lot of boobies out there and a great deal of them are attached to reasonable, intelligent, funny, and supportive ladies.
djphranq wrote:I don't know, man... nothing could be finer than a little bit o' vaginer.
It's my duty to please that booty.
BluntmanDC wrote:there is a big difference between being in a relationship and being in a good relationship
Excellent point. There's a lot of people that equate being in a relationship with being miserable. I had a neighbor who was always talking about how he wanted to pursue a few hobbies like video games and RC Cars but his wife didn't like them so he couldn't. He's always say things like "You know how it is."
I actually don't. I've been married for 9 years and as long as the bills are paid and there's food in the house and she doesn't know about all of my teenage mexican girlfriends we're quite happy and she doesn't care if I play a bit of 40k now and then. She actually gets rather excited when I win a tournament or something like that. She has said herself that she'd rather have a husband who plays Warhams than is out doing the things she has to listen to her girlfriends complain about their husbands doing.
@Pael: These guys have been together for 8 years and are only 23 and 24. I don't know that this relatiopnship has the most mature legs to stand on headed towards a marriage--by which I mean, headed towards a divorce. OP's conundrum is a very nice piece of evidence in this regard. I agree that the gf's behavior is indicative of underlying problems but disagree that they're ones that can be fixed--in other words, they seem "structural" or "systemic." It might be helpful to know whether this has been an on-again-off-again thing or if it's truly a case of inertial puppy love. At the very least, on the available facts, both parties would definitely benefit from a "break." OP needs to know--and not just be told--that there are plenty of women out there. He does not seem to understand how basically problematic this behavior is. He also does not seem to fully understand that the problem is NOT with him. I realize that we don't "have all the facts" but based on the ones we do have, this relationship is a right stinker. It's not because 40k is that important; it's because her behavior--applied to any hobby OP might have--is that offensive and unreasonable.
To all those who said "dump her". Your relationship advise is the poo. The sticky dark brown stuff that sticks like glue. Don't give advise unless you have hair "down there" and are above the age of 25.
Welcome to relationships people.
My advice: I can't really give any. Not enough information about ya girl. But communication is important and if she won't go down that path and is willing to dump you because of a small hobby then things arnt good thats for sure.
I have learned one thing. No matter the hobby, as long as you spend a good amount of time with them they don't mind what you do (unless its drugs or something weird like watching reality TV).
I said dump her and I'm 34 and happily married to a beautiful, intelligent woman who collects night goblins and tyranids. She loves what a total geek I am, because I have a relationship with someone who shares my interests and I'm sure the majority of dakkites in relationships are, at the least, with someone who tolerates their hobbies.
ChrisWWII wrote:The fact that she wants you to drop it cause it's uncool really does hit off a berserk button, at least for me.
Thats an issue. I thought cool/uncool went out the window after college age when the Real World (TM) introduced itself. Have you checked her OID to make sure she's even legal?
I find that adults that live with their parents (barring extraordinary circumstances, calm down) tend to be less mature than their independent counterparts.
Taoofss wrote:If my girlfriend told me to choose her or the hobby, I would choose her without hesitation. Then again, she would never do that. That's why she's my girlfriend. The fact that you are even considering picking this hobby over a relationship pretty much means that she's not the one. Move on.
Much truth there.
But...would he still choose her over the hobby if she did ask that, because he implies the reason she's his girlfriend is because she has the maturity to not ask that...so would he really choose her if she chose to ask the question?
You mean except for the fact that she would just probebly complain at him, "something... something... something, why does their opinion matter more that mine, etc"
When women get upset, they go and find that friend that "understands" (i.e., agrees with) them. Unfortunately, guys don't lie to their friends as often. I doubt OP will like the balance of opinions his thread has generated. But at least it's the truth.
Manchu wrote:When women get upset, they go and find that friend that "understands" (i.e., agrees with) them. Unfortunately, guys don't lie to their friends as often. I doubt OP will like the balance of opinions his thread has generated. But at least it's the truth.
Agreed. I hate to say it, but essentially my advice has boiled down to "Keep your pimp hand strong. Guard your grill against them trifling ass bitches" as it were.
I see no reason to dump her. Who cares if she doesn't like one hobby? I find that spending the effort to do something cleverly nice for a woman will usually make her stop complaining temporarily. It's a good way to keep your mind sharp, anyway.
Haha, awesome, I was just about to make the point that that pretty much makes you her bitch, especially if she never takes the time to do anything nice for you in return. But Manchu summed it up in a much more elegant way. Bravo!
I think people telling you to say to her "Get lost" or saying she's not worth your time are missing the point a bit.
There's a funny movie about the reverse situation- a woman who is unsure if things are going to work out with a man. She is trying to get him back, and frequently throughout the movie the frame stops and a voiceover says "Now, this is only if you want your man back- if not, forget about it."
I'm going to assume that you really like this girl, and want to stay together. If not, then you wouldn't even be asking the question!
As someone who has struggled with this with my significant other (married for almost 5 years now) I say stick with it. Tell her how you feel, that it doesn't make you feel that she cares about you when she intentionally attempts to schedule a movie for the day when you participate in your hobby with friends. Tell her that you feel that if it's important to you, she should care about it a bit, too. It doesn't have to be much- but simply scheduling things on another night is a huge first step.
My wife only recently took this step. I know it's because she cares about me, even though she hates all things sci-fi / fantasy- not just warhammer. She makes an effort to tolerate these kinds of things because I really like them. And that means a lot to me, even though I'm also not asking her to change her likes/dislikes for me.
In my opinion, having gone through this and still going through it, it is worth trying to work it out. I would never end a relationship for my hobby. However, if someone is pressuring me about my hobby, it could point to other things in the relationship that need addressing and working out.
That is where I would approach it from- the view of the wider relationship as a whole. It is a bad precadent for her to act this way while you are dating- and yet it is common, just as guys learning to (for example) be a little more hygienic once they're in a relationship is common. See if you can work it out, and look at it for what it is- a relationship issue, not a more childish "Do it or Don't Do it" issue.
Eh, I also had this issue with the missus RiTides. Mine was about D&D day. It went on and on until I flat out told her I wasn't going to change my friends and hobbies for her period. I'm not a "patriarch" by any means but there had to be a boundary on the issue. She accepted that boundary so we are still together. I don't know if OP has really laid it on the line yet and, if not, he should rather than simply ditch her. BUT it looks like this has been a recurring theme for them . . .
Late entry to the discussion, but I just wanted to chime in.
For me, this isn't about leaving someone over a hobby. It's about the way she's handling the fact that you enjoy something that she doesn't. If you're making yourself available to her the rest of the week, and she's deliberately trying to sabotage your efforts and then goes into a rage when you inexplicably can't go to that movie you've been mentioning for days at a time on the one day of the week she already knows you've got other plans, than that makes me question just what sort of a person she is at her core, and how she'll handle more significant issues.
Manchu wrote:When women get upset, they go and find that friend that "understands" (i.e., agrees with) them. Unfortunately, guys don't lie to their friends as often. I doubt OP will like the balance of opinions his thread has generated. But at least it's the truth.
Agreed. I hate to say it, but essentially my advice has boiled down to "Keep your pimp hand strong. Guard your grill against them trifling ass bitches" as it were.
Im tempted to sig that
Monster Rain wrote:
"Keep your pimp hand strong. Guard your grill against them trifling ass bitches" as it were.
@manchu I totally agree with what you are saying. The gf shouldn't be targeting gaming and it is unreasonable for her to do so.
The op just has to find out the real issue or do like you did and state how he feels. I also was just adding some possible ideas to alleviate the situation and show his gf that gaming isn't a big deal because it doesn't affect their relationship.
Most women I know whether friends, boss, or mate react like this. I think the term is called displacement, where they are upset at one thing and take it out on another. Guys do it too but for some reason it is the law of women. No offense ladies.
Hückleberry wrote:If she can't accept that your hobby is "uncool" then maybe she is shallow...and therefore not worth the effort. My 2 cents.
not to be like a jerk, but have to agree with this. Most of my girlfriends hated the game, but they accepted it as somethng I enjoyed and so let me have my time with it, just didn't really want to talk about it or be around when I play. They did like the whole painting aspect of it though.
If they can't accept it as just an aspect of you than i wouldn't be with them. It is one thing to dislike it and not want to see, and it is another thing to go out of herway to get rid of your hobby. This goes with almost anything.
My current gf plays warhammer with me, it is a wonderful thing
Automatically Appended Next Post: It isn't really breaking up with her because of the hobby, but really due to her inability to accept it as part of you.
RiTides had good points earlier, and you should try to work it out, but if you are unable to figure out some middle ground, then it really is a bad sign if she can't accept this aspect of you.
... what a bitch. Story for you: I had never heard of Warhammer in my life till my boyfriend rolls up one days with boxes of little toy men in his trunk and says he had just gotten the money to start a Necron army. My response, "What the hell is a Necron?" I didn't at all plan on getting into it but out of respect and support I decided to read a little on it so I would know what was going on during games and helped him paint just to spend time with him. Suddenly, I was begging for him to help me start a dark elf army and now, I have my own Ork army. Maybe you should think about if your girl is opposed to the game or you. Because you love gaming, its part of who you are so... she should get over it or get over her.
keelerlimbstumpa wrote:I had never heard of Warhammer in my life till my boyfriend rolls up one days with boxes of little toy men in his trunk and says he had just gotten the money to start a Necron army. My response, "What the hell is a Necron?" I didn't at all plan on getting into it but out of respect and support I decided to read a little on it so I would know what was going on during games and helped him paint just to spend time with him. Suddenly, I was begging for him to help me start a dark elf army and now, I have my own Ork army.
Are you sure this isn't the story of how Andy Chambers got Phil Kelly to work at GW?
Talk to her about what her issues are and then decide if the relationship is salvagable. I personally would never leave this hobby for a gf. And I am pretty up front about it once the hobby comes into discussions.
This hobby is the only real thing I got going for me with no job, tons of school debt, blah blah blah. It keeps me sane.
All the good advice has been given, the most important thing being that: if she has a problem with this now, she'll just find something else to change about you down the road. The real issue is her lack of hobbies/interests, at 23 to have no real hobbies, live at home, and as far as you've said, not do much of anything, it's just insecurity being projected onto you. Sit down, have a talk, if you have an impasse and she can't respect you for who you are and isn't more concerned with your happiness then with your appearance, it's time to end it.
I'm lucky enough that most of my girlfriends over the years (including my wonderful one of four years at present) have respected and appreciated my hobby. Not that they want to play it, but that they're happy that I have something in my life I'm passionate about and enjoy. As the others of said, there are plenty of 'worse' hobbies one could have, so this isn't about the hobby. You could be out wasting money and wrecking your body drinking that night, or going to strip clubs, etc etc.
And since I can't resist at least a single funny..
Next time she tells you that she feels less attracted to you because your hobby is uncool, tell her you know how she feels, and you've been feeling less attracted to her lately because a 23 year old with no hobbies that still lives at home is kind of pathet...uncool. But you're okay to accept her if she's okay to accept you.
In the end life is short. You need to do the things that make you happy and not try to comprimise yourself in the process.
Kick her to the curb and find someone who likes you for you
Life is the longest thing any of us will do.
But there needs to be a dialogue between the two of you before you "kick her to the curb." There may be some other issue that is annoying her.
keelerlimbstumpa wrote:I had never heard of Warhammer in my life till my boyfriend rolls up one days with boxes of little toy men in his trunk and says he had just gotten the money to start a Necron army. My response, "What the hell is a Necron?" I didn't at all plan on getting into it but out of respect and support I decided to read a little on it so I would know what was going on during games and helped him paint just to spend time with him. Suddenly, I was begging for him to help me start a dark elf army and now, I have my own Ork army.
Are you sure this isn't the story of how Andy Chambers got Phil Kelly to work at GW?
Really? Im the only one that would choose women over 40k? God the internet truly changes what people would do.
Yeah yeah I get it everyone you have this "super hawt wife who likes that Im a nerd cuz Im different I like metal and have a long hair Im not stereotypical at all!" But I mean if your advice is to dump a girlfriend of 8 years because she doesn't like 40K your either exaggerating, or have terrible priorities.
Keep in mind Dakka, that there's always 2 sides to a story and were only getting one.
Maybe I don't self-identify myself as a "gamer" first and foremost so I would be willing to take or leave this hobby. I love 40k and I always will, but sometimes you do have to give things up. if only for a bit. I gave up both 40k and weed my last 2 years of college to concentrate on my studies. Is that wrong? So why would a hiatus from 40k to work on a relationship be wrong?
But my real advice man? Move on. Not for 40k but were the same age, and I can imagine still being with the girl I was at 16. The other posters had the right idea, just not the right reason.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Really? Im the only one that would choose women over 40k? God the internet truly changes what people would do.
Yeah yeah I get it everyone you have this "super hawt wife who likes that Im a nerd cuz Im different I like metal and have a long hair Im not stereotypical at all!" But I mean if your advice is to dump a girlfriend of 8 years because she doesn't like 40K your either exaggerating, or have terrible priorities.
Keep in mind Dakka, that there's always 2 sides to a story and were only getting one.
Maybe I don't self-identify myself as a "gamer" first and foremost so I would be willing to take or leave this hobby. I love 40k and I always will, but sometimes you do have to give things up. if only for a bit. I gave up both 40k and weed my last 2 years of college to concentrate on my studies. Is that wrong? So why would a hiatus from 40k to work on a relationship be wrong?
But my real advice man? Move on. Not for 40k but were the same age, and I can imagine still being with the girl I was at 16. The other posters had the right idea, just not the right reason.
It's not the fact that the issue is relationship vs 40k. If that was the only issue, I think many of us would easily choose relationship.
The problem is that she has given him an ultimatum that is unreasonable. If his hobbying isn't interfering with the relationship and not affecting him in some other negative way, she has no grounds to demand he quit. It's the demand that's the issue, not the actual choice.
Unreasonable why? Because its 40k and this is a 40k website?
Obviously it is affecting their relationship as she doesn't like it. Isn't that a legitimate reason?
Dont kid yourself with "its the demand" If the demand was to stop playing poker or something like that there wouldn't be nearly as much vitriol in this thread.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Really? Im the only one that would choose women over 40k? God the internet truly changes what people would do.
It's not really a matter of choosing women over 40k. Also, with someone who isn't shallow or controlling you can have both.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Yeah yeah I get it everyone you have this "super hawt wife who likes that Im a nerd cuz Im different I like metal and have a long hair Im not stereotypical at all!" But I mean if your advice is to dump a girlfriend of 8 years because she doesn't like 40K your either exaggerating, or have terrible priorities.
You're the one exaggerating. I don't think you've read the thread very closesly.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Keep in mind Dakka, that there's always 2 sides to a story and were only getting one.
We can only comment on what we know about.
Automatically Appended Next Post:
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Unreasonable why? Because its 40k and this is a 40k website?
Again, you should read the thread.
It's unreasonable because of her reasons for wanting him to stop playing.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Really? Im the only one that would choose women over 40k? God the internet truly changes what people would do.
Yeah yeah I get it everyone you have this "super hawt wife who likes that Im a nerd cuz Im different I like metal and have a long hair Im not stereotypical at all!" But I mean if your advice is to dump a girlfriend of 8 years because she doesn't like 40K your either exaggerating, or have terrible priorities.
I think the concern is that it's symptomatic of a greater problem. It's not that she doesn't like toy soldiers as such, it's that she's trying to monopolise his one day of the week that he wants to do his own hobby and doesn't seem willing to be flexible to work around it. Now obviously he could be a prat about it and be leaving her feeling like she's taking second place to his model obsession. But it doesn't sound like it.
The thing is, he obviously has a hobby that he likes doing in his own time, now if she wants to take that from him then there's going to be a problem because people in relationships who feel they can't do a load of reasonable things, because their partner has some irrational disapproval, find it creates tension, resentment and unhappiness down the line. It's not about the woman not wanting a guy to blow all your cash down the pub every night and never talk to her, someone who can't buy a few models to make or a R\C car or watch a certain TV programme because their partner has decided it's "uncool" and simply doesn't want them doing it will stifle the other person's creative and relaxing outputs. And we all need those otherwise you end up frustrated and bored. It doesn't matter how 'hawt' your partner is, there's more to a happy relationship than your partner's looks and a great deal of any relationship is compromise not monopolisation.
A person should in all reasonableness expect to be able to sit down for a few hours one night of the week to do some activity of their own be it painting or reading a book. You do't have to do *everything* with your partner, you're not joined at the hip. And understanding that while it's important to make time for each other you also have to support each others needs and interests and give each other space and freedom.
I have to say that to be together 8 years and still be living apart with one still living at home does not sound like an adult relationship going somewhere. Maybe I'm wrong but after that amount of time I'd have thought you'd be onto a more permanent footing and living together not still arranging nights of the week to get together like when you were 16. If I didn't know better I'd think a relationship like this has run its course, it's been a long time and it's not particularly serious and it's not moving along and now there are difficulties and arguments brewing. 8 years at the age of 24 is a looong time so of course to break up would be a big change in your lives, you'd both be single adults for the first time. Maybe she's trying to change you or really hates the little men, but it could also just be frustration coming to the surface, but you have to talk and find out what you both want from it because it could be that you remain together through force of habit rather than a real desire to be with each other and that's not a good place to be.
Dutchkillsrambo- having to stop gaming isn't the problem, the problem is her demanding unreasonable things. When someone tells you they are feeling less atracted to you because you do something "uncool"- just because they dislike it- you can tell there are some issues.
This isent about choosing a hobby over someone etc. Its about not comprimsing who you are and what you like to do for someone who wants to change you. We need to find people in our life that accepts us and will see through our "faults" within reason.
I have been through this before and honestly im very up front about what I enjoy to do in my life when Im very early in a relationship. If that person decides that they cannot accept what I enjoy to do in my spare time then I know this will never work. If I had to give up my passions for someone then I know I would be misserable in my life. Thankfully I have found someone who accepts all of my hobbies and passions with open arms and I could not be happier and one day you will too.
Ive read the thread. Her reasons that I've seen are she doesn't like the hobby and she thinks it's uncool. Those aren't reasons?
I'm willing to agree that she's most likely a shallow person that sees 40k as something to be loathed because she lacks enough self confidence to be an individual. She might be the type of person that thinks Jersey Shore is good tv.
But there's also the chance that maybe the people he plays with are extremely weird. None of you can say you haven't met some real "characters" in this hobby. Maybe his gaming group is full of the basement dwelling mouthbreathers and she doesn't really like him hanging around with them. Is a woman not liking a mans friends anything new?
All Im saying is everyone is a little too quick to jump on presumptions that she's this controlling bitch that won't let him be who he wants to be and is going to whip him the rest of his life if he gives up 40k.
Automatically Appended Next Post:
Howard A Treesong wrote:
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Really? Im the only one that would choose women over 40k? God the internet truly changes what people would do.
Yeah yeah I get it everyone you have this "super hawt wife who likes that Im a nerd cuz Im different I like metal and have a long hair Im not stereotypical at all!" But I mean if your advice is to dump a girlfriend of 8 years because she doesn't like 40K your either exaggerating, or have terrible priorities.
I think the concern is that it's symptomatic of a greater problem. It's not that she doesn't like toy soldiers as such, it's that she's trying to monopolise his one day of the week that he wants to do his own hobby and doesn't seem willing to be flexible to work around it. Now obviously he could be a prat about it and be leaving her feeling like she's taking second place to his model obsession. But it doesn't sound like it.
I think you guys are reading into 40k and its relation to real life a bit too much. Its a hobby. It should be fun. It should be relaxing. It should not be a defining characteristic of who you are.
And to the OP, if you really want to break up with her but don't know how to do it, take her to a LARP. Im guessing that will send her packing mighty quick.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Ive read the thread. Her reasons that I've seen are she doesn't like the hobby and she thinks it's uncool. Those aren't reasons?
I'm willing to agree that she's most likely a shallow person that sees 40k as something to be loathed because she lacks enough self confidence to be an individual. She might be the type of person that thinks Jersey Shore is good tv.
But there's also the chance that maybe the people he plays with are extremely weird. None of you can say you haven't met some real "characters" in this hobby. Maybe his gaming group is full of the basement dwelling mouthbreathers and she doesn't really like him hanging around with them. Is a woman not liking a mans friends anything new?
All Im saying is everyone is a little too quick to jump on presumptions that she's this controlling bitch that won't let him be who he wants to be and is going to whip him the rest of his life if he gives up 40k.
No, those are not valid reasons. 40k may be uncool, but it's not damaging to their relationship or to him as an individual.
If her complaint is that he's spending too much time with the hobby and can't hold down a job or ever see her, that's reasonable.
If her complaint is that he's spending too much money and is constantly broke, that's reasonable.
But, demanding he quit playing because it's nerdy isn't a good reason.
Granted, if she posted on the board with her side of the story, saying things like "My boyfriend spends 12 hours a day playing 40k and never shuts up about it! He made power armor out of cardboard and showed up to Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with it on! He's never held a job longer than a month before getting fired because of this stupid hobby!" then, we'd be taking her side and telling her to dump this loser. But, from the limited information we have, he seems to be in the right.
Honestly i would say talk to her and find out if it really is the problem
Also your living by yourself and you've been together for 8 years, have you asked her to move in with you? That might be one of the underlying problems
I think the point most people are trying to get across is its fine if she finds the hobby uncool, but asking him to stop entirely for that reason is not okay. People need some hobby's and time to hang out with freinds
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Ive read the thread. Her reasons that I've seen are she doesn't like the hobby and she thinks it's uncool. Those aren't reasons?
I'm willing to agree that she's most likely a shallow person that sees 40k as something to be loathed because she lacks enough self confidence to be an individual. She might be the type of person that thinks Jersey Shore is good tv.
But there's also the chance that maybe the people he plays with are extremely weird. None of you can say you haven't met some real "characters" in this hobby. Maybe his gaming group is full of the basement dwelling mouthbreathers and she doesn't really like him hanging around with them. Is a woman not liking a mans friends anything new?
All Im saying is everyone is a little too quick to jump on presumptions that she's this controlling bitch that won't let him be who he wants to be and is going to whip him the rest of his life if he gives up 40k.
No, those are not valid reasons. 40k may be uncool, but it's not damaging to their relationship or to him as an individual.
If her complaint is that he's spending too much time with the hobby and can't hold down a job or ever see her, that's reasonable.
If her complaint is that he's spending too much money and is constantly broke, that's reasonable.
But, demanding he quit playing because it's nerdy isn't a good reason.
Granted, if she posted on the board with her side of the story, saying things like "My boyfriend spends 12 hours a day playing 40k and never shuts up about it! He made power armor out of cardboard and showed up to Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with it on! He's never held a job longer than a month before getting fired because of this stupid hobby!" then, we'd be taking her side and telling her to dump this loser. But, from the limited information we have, he seems to be in the right.
But thats my point. If she doesn't like it then it IS damaging to their relationship. Whether or not YOU see it is as justifiable is not relevant. If she sees it as damaging to their relationship than it is. Not everything has to be so extreme like playing 40k so much that you can't hold a job.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:But thats my point. If she doesn't like it then it IS damaging to their relationship. Whether or not YOU see it is as justifiable is not relevant. If she sees it as damaging to their relationship than it is. Not everything has to be so extreme like playing 40k so much that you can't hold a job.
The point is if you dont like something your partner does fine, but if its something like a hobby (that he only spends on day of the week doing) or you dont like their freinds then that is a bit more of a problem.
If you had a girlfreind who didnt liek you using the internet i would think that would be a bit of a problem
DutchKillsRambo wrote:But thats my point. If she doesn't like it then it IS damaging to their relationship. Whether or not YOU see it is as justifiable is not relevant. If she sees it as damaging to their relationship than it is. Not everything has to be so extreme like playing 40k so much that you can't hold a job.
The point is if you dont like something your partner does fine, but if its something like a hobby (that he only spends on day of the week doing) or you dont like their freinds then that is a bit more of a problem.
If you had a girlfreind who didnt liek you using the internet i would think that would be a bit of a problem
Come now. The internet is almost to the point of being necessary for modern day life. 40k, not so much. And for the record he said he only PLAYS one day a week. He didn't mention painting time which we all know is the real killer. Speaking of which I should probably get back to that.
Ive said what I had to say to the OP. My advice would be to move on, but for other reasons. And for the love of God don't listen to people that are advocating gaming as a defining aspect of your personality. They do make some good points of not being ashamed of who you are, but unless you work for GW, 40k should be a dipping sauce to your meal of life. Sure it makes chicken nuggets taste better, but steak is always better than any nugget. The steak of course being banging.
So she doean't like it because she thinks it's nerdy/uncool. That means that she doesn't like that part of the OP. Everyone would change something about the person they love. Being in a relationship is about putting up with the stuff you don't like, for you should like the person overall.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:But thats my point. If she doesn't like it then it IS damaging to their relationship. Whether or not YOU see it is as justifiable is not relevant. If she sees it as damaging to their relationship than it is. Not everything has to be so extreme like playing 40k so much that you can't hold a job.
The point is if you dont like something your partner does fine, but if its something like a hobby (that he only spends on day of the week doing) or you dont like their freinds then that is a bit more of a problem.
If you had a girlfreind who didnt liek you using the internet i would think that would be a bit of a problem
Come now. The internet is almost to the point of being necessary for modern day life. 40k, not so much. And for the record he said he only PLAYS one day a week. He didn't mention painting time which we all know is the real killer. Speaking of which I should probably get back to that.
Ive said what I had to say to the OP. My advice would be to move on, but for other reasons. And for the love of God don't listen to people that are advocating gaming as a defining aspect of your personality. They do make some good points of not being ashamed of who you are, but unless you work for GW, 40k should be a dipping sauce to your meal of life. Sure it makes chicken nuggets taste better, but steak is always better than any nugget. The steak of course being banging.
You must have had a horrible time annotating books in school.
Its not about 40k. It could be anything. Such as, dancing. If OP was into dancing and only did it once a week and the GF knew this, If she thinks it degrades his look and makes him less attractive and doesn't want him to do it, then shes a bish. Unless it is something harmful or illegal, It shouldn't be a problem no matter what. She doesn't like who OP really is, which is a guy who likes playing warhammer. If she can't deal with that, she can't deal with anything in his life and will always want him to change to match her perfectly.
To tell if your GF/Spouse is controlling, go out to eat. Ask her what restaurant. If she says "We HAVE to go there, no where else" Unless she has beendying to go there for the past 2 months, shes controlling and will always have things her way.
I have to say to the OP, i'm sorry things don't seem to be working out, but if she is throwing around that she is becoming less attracted to you because of this hobby . . . Its not because of the hobby.
Relationships are about compromise, but you should not compromise yourself. This is a part of who you are and want to be. These are your friends. If she loves you she should love you for who you are. She is trying to change you because she is not happy.
You seem to do well with time management, and she is creating an issue by messing with the one night you have to yourself. She's looking for a way out without having to be the bad guy. I hate to sound like a pessimist, but in time, I'm sure this is how its going to work out. She's got some maturing to do to figure out whats really important in life.
Stand your ground. If it doesn't end because of this, your relationship will end for another reason just as petty.
One more to chime in on the 'case of the unreasonable ladyface' side.
My girl absolutely cannot understand why I like RPGs or wargaming. Just can't wrap her head around it. AND YET. Instead of mocking me or demanding that I give it up, she not only supports the hobby but listens to what I'm saying when I'm talking to the guys about it. Imagine my surprise when miss 'funny little plastic men' surprised me the other week with a Leman Russ because 'she heard that (I) needed more fire support'. Well well. And when we were redecorating? She asked if I wanted to put figurine cases for others to see because 'even though (she) didn't understand the hobby, it's important to (me) and they're very well-painted'.
WELL.
I dated a girl like yours seems to be for five years. She begged me at the beginning of our relationship not to try and change her (she was happy with herself as she was) and by the end of that relationship *I* was the one who had changed so many things about myself. If you can get her to understand you, great. If not...
...see if you can find a more understanding brand of companion. Like mine. Or like many of the other fellows in this thread.
Indra wrote: Imagine my surprise when miss 'funny little plastic men' surprised me the other week with a Leman Russ because 'she heard that (I) needed more fire support'. Well well.
Indra wrote: Imagine my surprise when miss 'funny little plastic men' surprised me the other week with a Leman Russ because 'she heard that (I) needed more fire support'. Well well.
<insert sexual innuendo here> (Does it really need saying?)
When my husband and I first got together, I was very jealous of his friends and gaming group. I think that a lot of it was that he seemed unwilling to change his days in order to accomodate the time we could spend together, and that he was at first unwilling to introduce me to that group of friends because I wasn't a gamer and that's the only thing they did together. He did have to compromise, but I never forced him to completely give up the hobby. I think that the OP has given a lot of effort into trying to accomodate his relationship, and that his GF is insecure. But I do wonder if he's presented his hobbies in a way like my husband did at first which is "this is mine, you can't have any".
Indra wrote: Imagine my surprise when miss 'funny little plastic men' surprised me the other week with a Leman Russ because 'she heard that (I) needed more fire support'. Well well.
<insert sexual innuendo here> (Does it really need saying?)
But damn, your one lucky guy
She bought me Space Hulk last year, too. 'Oh God they're out fffff' 'Chill out honey, I bought a set for you the first day they came out! I had the guys at the store call me!'
Indra wrote: Imagine my surprise when miss 'funny little plastic men' surprised me the other week with a Leman Russ because 'she heard that (I) needed more fire support'. Well well.
<insert sexual innuendo here> (Does it really need saying?)
But damn, your one lucky guy
She bought me Space Hulk last year, too. 'Oh God they're out fffff' 'Chill out honey, I bought a set for you the first day they came out! I had the guys at the store call me!'
Indra wrote: Imagine my surprise when miss 'funny little plastic men' surprised me the other week with a Leman Russ because 'she heard that (I) needed more fire support'. Well well.
<insert sexual innuendo here> (Does it really need saying?)
But damn, your one lucky guy
She bought me Space Hulk last year, too. 'Oh God they're out fffff' 'Chill out honey, I bought a set for you the first day they came out! I had the guys at the store call me!'
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Ive read the thread. Her reasons that I've seen are she doesn't like the hobby and she thinks it's uncool. Those aren't reasons?
I'm willing to agree that she's most likely a shallow person that sees 40k as something to be loathed because she lacks enough self confidence to be an individual. She might be the type of person that thinks Jersey Shore is good tv.
But there's also the chance that maybe the people he plays with are extremely weird. None of you can say you haven't met some real "characters" in this hobby. Maybe his gaming group is full of the basement dwelling mouthbreathers and she doesn't really like him hanging around with them. Is a woman not liking a mans friends anything new?
All Im saying is everyone is a little too quick to jump on presumptions that she's this controlling bitch that won't let him be who he wants to be and is going to whip him the rest of his life if he gives up 40k.
But, demanding he quit playing because it's nerdy isn't a good reason.
If that is true, its a sign, and a bad one. Typically it means she is personally embarrassed by his involvement with the gaming hobby, and wants him to stop is to keep or raise her status with a particular group...could be parents, friends, etc.
My advise...get rid of her. Sure, your SO will likely have hobbies you dont really want to be a part of...but to demand they stop because its "nerdy" is simply shallow and self serving, and that person wont make a good long term partner.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:Really? Im the only one that would choose women over 40k? God the internet truly changes what people would do.
Yeah yeah I get it everyone you have this "super hawt wife who likes that Im a nerd cuz Im different I like metal and have a long hair Im not stereotypical at all!" But I mean if your advice is to dump a girlfriend of 8 years because she doesn't like 40K your either exaggerating, or have terrible priorities.
I think the concern is that it's symptomatic of a greater problem. It's not that she doesn't like toy soldiers as such, it's that she's trying to monopolise his one day of the week that he wants to do his own hobby and doesn't seem willing to be flexible to work around it. Now obviously he could be a prat about it and be leaving her feeling like she's taking second place to his model obsession. But it doesn't sound like it.
The thing is, he obviously has a hobby that he likes doing in his own time, now if she wants to take that from him then there's going to be a problem because people in relationships who feel they can't do a load of reasonable things, because their partner has some irrational disapproval, find it creates tension, resentment and unhappiness down the line. It's not about the woman not wanting a guy to blow all your cash down the pub every night and never talk to her, someone who can't buy a few models to make or a R\C car or watch a certain TV programme because their partner has decided it's "uncool" and simply doesn't want them doing it will stifle the other person's creative and relaxing outputs. And we all need those otherwise you end up frustrated and bored. It doesn't matter how 'hawt' your partner is, there's more to a happy relationship than your partner's looks and a great deal of any relationship is compromise not monopolisation.
A person should in all reasonableness expect to be able to sit down for a few hours one night of the week to do some activity of their own be it painting or reading a book. You do't have to do *everything* with your partner, you're not joined at the hip. And understanding that while it's important to make time for each other you also have to support each others needs and interests and give each other space and freedom.
I have to say that to be together 8 years and still be living apart with one still living at home does not sound like an adult relationship going somewhere. Maybe I'm wrong but after that amount of time I'd have thought you'd be onto a more permanent footing and living together not still arranging nights of the week to get together like when you were 16. If I didn't know better I'd think a relationship like this has run its course, it's been a long time and it's not particularly serious and it's not moving along and now there are difficulties and arguments brewing. 8 years at the age of 24 is a looong time so of course to break up would be a big change in your lives, you'd both be single adults for the first time. Maybe she's trying to change you or really hates the little men, but it could also just be frustration coming to the surface, but you have to talk and find out what you both want from it because it could be that you remain together through force of habit rather than a real desire to be with each other and that's not a good place to be.
Ive already provided my two cents to this thread, but I thought I would revist it to see how its going.
I did want to add that maybe consulting the members of a website where the primary subject matter is painting and playing with little army people probably isnt the best guidance a guy could ask for. Im just sayin
If someone was this unconcerned with your feelings and ridiculed you for a perfectly normal interest than you should get away from that person as soon as possible, sorry to be blunt but your girlfriend sounds like a tool.
I'd never choose gaming over a relationship. So if, for instance, money was tight and I had to give up to gaming to support a partner, fair enough. If my gaming mates were rude to my partner and she felt excluded, I'd give it up. If it took up all my time so I couldn't see her, I'd drop the hobby in a flash. These are examples of gaming vs relationships, and I think most people here would choose the relationship.
But, this isn't what's being discussed. You are being asked to give up something you enjoy because your girlfriend thinks it's uncool. Yes, gaming is geeky, but it's your hobby. So think hard before giving up something you enjoy for no other reason than your girlfriend is embarrassed by it. You'll probably resent the decision at some point.
There's no reason you can't explain this, and make every effort to limit things to the one night/week. Relationships are about negotiation, and give and take.
DutchKillsRambo wrote:She might be the type of person that thinks Jersey Shore is good tv.
Gaah! That'd be a relationship-killer right there!
But there's also the chance that maybe the people he plays with are extremely weird. None of you can say you haven't met some real "characters" in this hobby. Maybe his gaming group is full of the basement dwelling mouthbreathers and she doesn't really like him hanging around with them. Is a woman not liking a mans friends anything new?
Heh heh. You're absolutely right there! As you say though, we don't know enough. Again, what concerns me the most is her not-so-subtle game-playing, seeming to deliberately weasel out of spending time with OP until his gaming night, then freaking out when he won't go to the movie when he's been asking her and getting dissed several nights during the week.
Wow,
Well I must say the joke first, send us a nude photo and we will decide for you (just kidding ). If theis is a fairly new realtionship and I am assuming your both you, you have nothing to loose by dropping the realtionship. I am a married man with 3 marriages under my belt and this one has lasted 13 years, she accepts my hobbies because I accept hers, fairly simple. What is hers? Do you know? Try that angle first to see why she is busy, or pop buy on those "off nights" to surpise her by taking her to said movie. As for having a game night, meh you need your time as well as she seems to need hers, so I would not change it.
There's more or less 3.4 billion womans on this planet. There's only one you.
It's speaks for itself that you are willing to compromise for her, but it does not sound like she's trying to return the favor.
If you back down on this, not only will you be giving up on your self-respect, but she will likely lose all respect she has for you.
The fact that she wants you to give up your toys and pick up soccer or spots usually either means one of two things: You're not mature enough for her or you are not man enough for her. This is not to say that this is how you are, but this is what she sees. If you do not change her view on this situation, it will only get worst.
If you really love this woman, take charge of the situation. Don't ask her if she wants to go see a movie on a Monday, take her to a movie on a Monday. If you know she's not doing anything on those days when she says she's busy, you should not be giving up, it only worsens her opinion of you.
Make her understand that those Thursdays are important to you, it doesnt matter what you do, it's a day on which you get to see your circle of friends. Once she's finally come around to accepting it, make an exception and take her out for dinner on a Thursday. She'll appreciate the gesture a lot more if it comes from you doing it then from her making you give it up.
If all that fails, then your love is likely one sided at this point and has plenty of others have said before me, your relationship is doomed in the long run. Break it off, you'll feel better for it, and try to find out if any of your gaming friends have any geeky sisters
I'm with others who think that this 8 year relationship is important, but that also this kind of thing happening is indicative of bigger issues than just wargaming.
This isn't just a her vs. wargaming alone.
As others have suggested, I don't think you should give up wargaming completely, but you should reevaluate how it relates to your relationship, if at all. If the way you treat wargaming and her as something so separate she might be put off by how exclusive it seems to be, whereas all that might mean to you is that you understand that she probably isn't interested in it.
I noticed you mentioned her wanting you to get out and do sports and such. How are you doing physically right now? Are you fit and lean, or are you getting a gamer belly? Women can be odd with how they request things of you in a relationship. I know one friend got her boyfriend wii fit because she wanted him to tone up some more, but never told him outright. Perhaps she's concerned about you being unhealthy and is just picking the worst way to go about letting you know?
After you've done the all self assessment on your part, only then can you really say that there might be something wrong with how she perceives the relationship.
There are alot of harsh answers on here. Obviously you wouldn't post this unless she meant something to you. So you need to find a way to make a point, that might show her your point of view.
Find something she does without you. Gossip, shop, watching soap operas, etc.
Tell her you don't know if you could be attracted to her if she continues those activities. Ask her how it would feel if you told her that she had to drop those activities to be with you. Explain to her that a hobby doesn't have to include her...no more than her phone conversations with her friends, her shopping or her soap operas have to include you. Explain to her that you socialize with friends when you play those games. Try to communicate, to put her in your shoes. Turning the table can often be effective.
If this doesn't work, I say ignore her and continue to do it. She'll see that you're not giving in, and then she'll either realize she's wrong, she needs to give in and compromise, or she'll leave you. And if she leaves you over a hobby like gaming, you probably need to find someone else anyway. Gamings alot better than crack, alcoholism, wife beating, strip clubs, or alot of other hobbies. Make her aware that there are alot worse hobbies you could participate in.
3) 8 years - played warhammer on and off, but i've only been living alone for 2 years - she was aware I did it, but didn't want to know about it so didnt really know what was involved. Now shes's seen my models lying around the flat etc.
Wow. This sounds like high school crap dude. I've had enough experience in the dating field (not NEARLY as good of a thing as it sounds) to know that if she hasn't lived on her own, then she's not managed to mentally progress beyond the age of about 17. They're just not developed yet. Not really their fault, but by the same token, you don't deserve to drag yourself through hell for that person. There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Seriously, even if you did drop the Warhammer, what would be next? Eventually it would get to the point that every facet of your life is dictated by her. That's not a healthy thing for anyone to deal with.
Automatically Appended Next Post: Unless of course, you wanted to go the Scorched Earth method, which is that you employ 'Pack Mentality', assert yourself as the Alpha, and generally treat her like dirt, demanding she ends everything else she does. Be very forceful about it and threaten to leave her unless she complies 100%. Tell her that her habits make her fat and unattractive, and that she's a bad person morally for them. By the end of it, she'll be even more crazy than she is now, but I bet she'd love you for it.
3) 8 years - played warhammer on and off, but i've only been living alone for 2 years - she was aware I did it, but didn't want to know about it so didnt really know what was involved. Now shes's seen my models lying around the flat etc.
Wow. This sounds like high school crap dude. I've had enough experience in the dating field (not NEARLY as good of a thing as it sounds) to know that if she hasn't lived on her own, then she's not managed to mentally progress beyond the age of about 17. They're just not developed yet. Not really their fault, but by the same token, you don't deserve to drag yourself through hell for that person. There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Seriously, even if you did drop the Warhammer, what would be next? Eventually it would get to the point that every facet of your life is dictated by her. That's not a healthy thing for anyone to deal with.
Automatically Appended Next Post: Unless of course, you wanted to go the Scorched Earth method, which is that you employ 'Pack Mentality', assert yourself as the Alpha, and generally treat her like dirt, demanding she ends everything else she does. Be very forceful about it and threaten to leave her unless she complies 100%. Tell her that her habits make her fat and unattractive, and that she's a bad person morally for them. By the end of it, she'll be even more crazy than she is now, but I bet she'd love you for it.
I would like to point out that the "Pack Mentality" idea is the easiest way out.
She's testing you for compliance. It's not about Warhams at all, actually. Have you been 'nicer' to her lately? You need to butch it up. Don't dump her, she's important, just butch it up. Don't be directly confrontational either, just be sarcastic about her concerns and make her feel like every time she opens her mouth about something like that, you loose respect for her. Dig?
I'm goin to say dump her since she is trying to change/ control you, just think if you mary her and she gets a divorce she could go all uber bitch and try and get your minis in the divorce...... extreem scenario aside tell ehr to drop one of her hobbies since its "uncool" and when she freaks on you tell her tehn what gives her the right to demand the same things to you (basicaly get her in a trap)
You could aslo ship her off to Isreal to be some dudes mail in bride
i would say get rid of her and find another, i got lucky and my fiance has an actual interest in playing fantasy with me. so go find someone that can accept you as a wargammer and is okay with it but doesnt have to have an intrest or (if your lucky) is willing to participate with you.
Id imagine there are a crap load of women out there that find warhammer geeky and unnatractive, but the ones worth having will appreciate that its your hobby and you enjoy it, and therefore never ask you to drop it.
My girlfriend thinks its pretty nerdy, which i admit it is, but i dont really give a sh*t, i enjoy it and will continue to play for as long as i enjoy it. She often refers to it as playing with toys which im sure many people have to deal with....and it mightily fooks me off but thats life, she'd never ask me to stop.
I have a very broad array of hobbys. I like to paint and play 40k, snowboard including going abroad to do it, and im also an ameteur cage fighter! She even refers to that as playing with men! I dont think the hobby defines you its just something you enjoy doing. Maybe she doesnt have hobbies so doesnt understand?
Basically if she asks you to stop doing things which you enjoy (as long as they dont have a large adverse affect on her) then you gotta kick her to the curb. 8 years is a long time so im sure that will be difficult but do you wanna spend your life with someone who will get pissy unless you do what she wants?
Slight change of topic...who else gets the 'playing with toys' thing from the mrs? God that f*cks me off? THEY'RE MODELS and its constructive!
Firstly, I thinkg that you've already made the decision if you're posting here.
I was very embarrassed to tell my wife that I got into this madness, but she understands that I'm a kid at heart and I bring home the bacon, I'm supportive, loving, compassionate and would never ever let any hobby / pursuit come between us. If she asked me to quit my job, my hobbies, my climbing, my skiing - any of it... I'd quit and never look back. She'd do the same for me.
HOWEVER... she loves me and sees that I get enjoyment from these little toys. So it's been incorporated. It's good that you don't allow it to interfere (EXCEPT Thursday nights). If you love her and she loves you. Give it a shot. Make a sacrafice for a few weeks. See if she understands that you think your relationship is the most important thing in your life. It may change her mind about you and your hobby. She may feel threatened.
BUT... if she seems aloof, negative and hurtful to you. DUMP HER ASS.
Brother SRM wrote:She's not worth your time. Anyone worth throwing your hobby away for wouldn't ask you to do so in the first place.
Sorry, you're dating a controlling bitch.
Duke Nukem speaks great wisdom.
All jokes aside, he's right. People who want to change *you* because of your hobbies don't respect you. If you dressed like a slob, or didn't practice basic hygiene until her, then that's not a problem, that's an advancement. If it's an issue of her not being willing to understand or accept something you value, then, as Dan Savage says, DTMFA.
dont compromise your hobby for your relationship if you value the hobby more.
i told my wife that i was a gamer the first day we met, and if she stood in my way she was gone. 6 years later i have no issues with gaming and my relationship with my wife.
My wife pretty much tried the same stuff... I play on sundays and she was pissed I went every week. SO our compromise became this; I go every other sunday, if a tourney comes up, she gets the weekend before and afterward. I'm happy with it. I get less games in, sure, but least I don't have to hear from her...
daedalus wrote:Unless of course, you wanted to go the Scorched Earth method, which is that you employ 'Pack Mentality', assert yourself as the Alpha, and generally treat her like dirt, demanding she ends everything else she does. Be very forceful about it and threaten to leave her unless she complies 100%. Tell her that her habits make her fat and unattractive, and that she's a bad person morally for them. By the end of it, she'll be even more crazy than she is now, but I bet she'd love you for it.
I think a relationship should be half and half, you have shown you are willing to compromise, yet this still isnt right! Maybe in time she will accept that the hobby is a part of you but if she cant, well thats her problem and she should sort herself out! But not at the cost of you enjoying yourself.
My other half played the hobby when I first met him, but over time I picked up my own army and have joined in ever since!
Are you sure she definitely doesnt want to give it a go, even the painting side of things?
To put it bluntly shes missed her chance to dump you over this. Generally a girl will unearth the models as soon as she has a chance to rifle through all your stuff, then if they think it is a dealbreaker will make excuses and dump yo' ass, this should have happened a long time ago. Obviously one of her idiot friends or a friend she is trying to make has told her that she is a loser for dating a wargamer.
It's just girl nature, accept it for what it is, a test. When you recognize them, it is pretty easy to deal with, just don't fail them 
If you give in to her request, you will have failed the test, and that probably leads to this:
....
(just kidding