Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. (Especially when giving them grief.)
2. Memorize your favorite poem. (Teach foreigners the theme song to your favorite TV show and tell them it's a traditional American folk song about a fabled three hour tour.)
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. (But all-you-can-eat is okay.)
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it. (...mean it as "I need regular sex and someone to listen to my problems at all hours of the night, and occasionally bail me out of jail, so you'll do until someone better comes along.")
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye. (People will believe _anything_ if you look them in the eye.)
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. (Heck, be engaged at least six _times_ before you get married.)
7. Believe in love at first sight. (Believe in leprechauns, for that matter.)
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams(, unless they're, like, really, really stupid dreams).
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely(, unless it kills you).
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling(, you dickweed).
11. Don't judge people by their relatives. (But would you eat at a delicatessen run by Dennis Dahmer?)
12. Talk slow but think quick. (Shoot first and ask questions later.)
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" (But would Kenneth Starr accept it?)
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk(, and you'll probably lose.)
15. Call your mom. (Conduct a seance if necessary.)
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. (They are infested with demons that must be banished.)
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. (And the lesson is: "Vengeance!")
18. Remember the three R's: (Rock 'n' roll radio?) Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions. (and remember that Revenge is the fourth R.)
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship(, unless it's about something important, like money or sex or who's right).
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. (Unless no one knows that you're responsible for it; then it's probably best to lie low and wait for it to blow over.)
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice(, and then he'll think to himself "Aha. Here's a sucker who will buy my insurance/magazine/siding/religion.")
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to(, although technically it's illegal to marry a man/woman here in Virginia.) As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be as important as any other(, and you can always get a younger mistress for the non-talking parts.)
23. Spend some time alone. (Your friends will appreciate it.)
24. Open your arms to change(, and your palms to spare change), but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer(, especially if the question is "Any volunteers?")
26. Read more books and watch less TV(, or compromise and read more TV Guide).
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time. (But you'll probably have a better retirement fund if you live a bad, dishonorable life.)
28. Trust in God but lock your car. (Although God could probably get into your car if He really wanted to.)
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home. (Kill your family if they don't cooperate.)
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past(, like you did last spring, and don't you dare deny it. Maybe you don't remember how you're always bringing up the past, but I do!)
31. Read between the lines.

(31.5. For example, read this.)
32. Share your knowledge. (Pontificate every chance you get. Stop strangers to give them helpful grooming advice.) It's a way to achieve immortality(, at least until they perfect cloning).
33. Be gentle with the earth. (Oh come on. The Earth is old enough to take care of herself.)
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it. (But every now and then God gets a little tired of people always pestering Him for things -- especially when He's just rented a video and settled down with a bucket of popcorn -- so He'll fling a meteor at the next whiner who bothers Him.)
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered. (For example, if your boss comes up to you and says, "Larry, this is an _excellent_ report that you wrote. I'm putting you on the top of the list for the next promotion", don't interrupt to point out that Bob wrote it.)
36. Mind your own business. (But the president's sex life _is_ my business.)
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss them. (It's called cringing. They always do it with me.)
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before(, like school).
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. (Well, that and all the stuff you can buy.)
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck. (When I was four years old, I wanted panda fur and scales down my back like a stegosaurus. I still do.)
41. Learn the rules then break some. (Start simple. Begin by breaking the Infield Fly Rule and work your way up to breaking the Second Law of Thermodynamics.)
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. (For example, I love money more than I actually need it.)
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. (Keep a balance book with two columns: "gains"/"losses")
44. Remember that your character is your destiny. (Uh-oh.)
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon(, but if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen -- or else sweat heavily and use potholders).

Wear sunscreen.

Destrado wrote:Wear sunscreen.

Don't fry bacon naked.

That's all I've got, really.

Don't eat yellow snow. It is NEVER lemon flavor.

If you ever win a boat trip for three, make sure to take T-Pain.

Cookie for frgsinwntr for catching that one.

Also, Murphy's law never lets us down.

(one of) Murphy's law about war: Friendly fire isn't.

"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

Do unto others exactly how you said you'd do unto them last night when you were standing on the table at that strip club, drunk and crying and screaming. If you can still remember what that was. If not, deny, deny, deny.

hell hath no fury like the woman you really shouldn't have slept with

Never spend the night in a town whose name sounds like a skin disease.

If in doubt say Nowt!

Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim

Thou shalt not worship pop idols

Or follow lost prophets

Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, John Hartmond, Desmond Dekker, Jim Morrisson, Jimmy Hendrix or Sid Barrett in vain.



Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a peadophile, some people are just nice.



Thou shalt not read NME

Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they became popular

Thou shalt not question Steven Fry

Thou shalt not judge a book by its cover

Thou shalt not judge lethal weapon by Danny Glover



Thou shalt not buy Coca Cola products

Thou shalt not buy Nestle products



Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriends best friend, take drugs, and then cheat on him

Thou shalt not fall in love so easily



Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls pants...

...use it to get into their heads.



Thou shalt not watch Hollyoaks

Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you've done your gakky little poem or song, you self-righteous prick.

Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar, week in, week out Because you once saw a girl there that you fancied; that you're never gonna fething talk to.



Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals.



No matter how great they are, or were.

The Beatles were just a band.

Led Zeppelin , just a band.

The Beach Boys , just a band..

The Sex Pistols , just a band.

The Clash , just a band.

Crass , just a band.

Minor Threat , just a band.

The Cure , just a band.

The Smiths , just a band.

Nirvana , just a band.

The Pixies, just a band.

Oasis , just a band.

Radiohead , just a band.

Bloc Party , just a band.

The Arctic Monkeys, just a band.

"The next big thing", just a band.



Thou shalt not give bad word to tragedies that occur in non-english speaking countries as to those in english speaking countries.



Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the 4 elements and never will be.



Thou shalt not make repetitive, generic music



Thou shalt not Pimp My Ride.

Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.

Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.

Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.

When i say "Hey", thou shalt not say "Ho"

When i say "Hip", thou shalt not say "Hop"

When i say, he say, she say, we say; "Make some noise.", kill me.

Thou shalt not quote me happy.

Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.

Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak, like me.

Thou shalt spell the word "Pheonix"

P-H-E-O-N-I-X.

Not, P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.



Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Brad at a club last night by saying; "Izziiit"



Thou shalt think for yourselves.



And thou shalt always, thou shalt always, kill.

Life - no one makes it out alive.

Keep pictures of your children when young and when they are dorky teenagers. You can use it to embarass them later. PAYBACK BABY!

If you've fallen off a cliff, might as well try to fly.

When defending others, don't back down.

Frazzled wrote:Life - no one makes it out alive.

Keep pictures of your children when young and when they are dorky teenagers. You can use it to embarass them later. PAYBACK BABY!

If you've fallen off a cliff, might as well try to fly.

When defending others, don't back down.

If you've fallen off a cliff, might as well try to fly. <--- I like that advice

Not mine-stolen from Babylon Five.

Because looking really stupid while you're falling may improve matters?

Who knows, maybe you can fly.

George Spiggott wrote:Because looking really stupid while you're falling may improve matters?

I dont think ya gedit

mussie76 wrote:

George Spiggott wrote:Because looking really stupid while you're falling may improve matters?

I dont think ya gedit

Or just too much of a realist. My advice:

1. If you think it's going to work, try taking off from the ground first.
2. Play the odds, die with dignity.

George Spiggott wrote:

mussie76 wrote:

George Spiggott wrote:Because looking really stupid while you're falling may improve matters?

I dont think ya gedit

Or just too much of a realist. My advice:

1. If you think it's going to work, try taking off from the ground first.
2. Play the odds, die with dignity.

Its a Metaphor

If everything's under control, you're not driving fast enough.

Life's tough, its tougher if you're stupid.

They always mess up your order at the drive-through.

Anything, everything, and anyone in the universe CAN kill you.

Oh, and try to be optimistic.

just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you

If you being chased by a shark you don't have to swim the fastest, just faster than the guy next to you.

Frazzled wrote:If you being chased by a shark you don't have to swim the fastest, just faster than the guy next to you.

and you don't have to outrun bears,.


so remember boys and girls, always have a really slow moving friend, it could save your life

mussie76 wrote:Something large a grammar nazi would have a fit over.

Was it really my intent to advise people to attempt to actually fly? I got it.

Can you see the back of your own tonsils?

George Spiggott wrote:

mussie76 wrote:Something large a grammar nazi would have a fit over.

Was it really my intent to advise people to attempt to actually fly? I got it.

Can you see the back of your own tonsils?

No but it sure seam that you thought we were trying to do that HENCE THE BOLD ITALIC UNDERLINED TEXT

(from Mister Kipling)
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

What's wrong with Nestle products? Their hot chocolate mix is the only thing that keeps me sane in the wintertime.