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For a living, I work as tier 3 tech-support over the phone for a reputable cable company that shall go unnamed for legal reasons... I provide support on cable TV, internet, and phone services for both commercial and residential customers. I will spare you the boring details on what I actually do for this company, but basically when no one else can figure out what is going on they transfer the call to me, and on very busy days I take overflow as well.

Today was one of those busy days, so my protective barrier of tier 1 & 2 techs vanished and I am once again on the front line of the relentless idiotic assault. Two callers in particular stood out in my mind today, burned themselves onto my soul, and contaminated my brain with their stupidity. I figured I needed some where to banish these memories until they no longer plague my mind. So I thought I would open this topic for any of you fellow customer care givers out there to share as well. No matter what kind of company you work for, if it involves customers in any way, odds are you are going to be talking to some real "special" people.

So please post any funny experiences you may have had with customers so we can all have a little laugh therapy. Old jobs or your current job, you know the customers I am talking about, the ones that haunt your dreams... Save yourself by posting on this thread!!!

The first caller today:
caller: "I just hooked up a new TV, and there is a message saying: 'No signal, please press the input button'... What should I do?"
me: "Okay sir, let us go ahead and locate that input button and press it."
caller: "Oh hey look at that! It is working now, how did that happen? And what should I do if it happens again?"
me: FACE-PALM

Second caller today:
caller: "Hey, I was just wondering, which movies are free on this channel called 'Free Movies On Demand'?"
me: "Well sir, all the movies on that channel are free... That is why it is called 'Free Movies On Demand'."
caller: "Well how was I suppose to know that!?!?"
me: FACE-PALM


I will try and think of others from the past, and try and post as they continue to pour in. But I must say, I am already starting to feel better.... *deep sigh of relief*

I honestly haven't come across many stupid customers where I work, though it's only been a year. However, I've got one I did myself.

Buying a couple of movie tickets.
Me: Yeah, could I get the slot for 5:30?
Girl: Okay, that's $11.50.
Me: Uh...no, (slowly) 5:30.
Girl: ...
Friend: *gives me the slowed look I deserve and bursts out laughing*

When I was a personal trainer:

Prospective Client: I want to lose 50 pounds in a month.

Me: Alright, we can start you on a schedule of 2, 2 hour work outs per day. We'll also need to have you see our dietitian.

Prospective Client: I don't have time for 4 hours of exercise, and I don't want to regulate my diet.

Me: Then you won't lose 50 pounds this month.

Prospective Client: I'm paying you to make me lose 50 pounds this month!

Me: You haven't paid me anything.

Prospective Client: *storms off in a huff*

That's why I hated working with non-athletes.

Bleah.

Is it actually possible to lose more than a pound a day for a whole month without wrecking yourself? Barring liposuction or putting various limbs through woodchippers, that means burning about 5k kcalories a day (IIRC).

Yeah, its possible, it's unhealthy, but it's possible.

You need to burn, at least, 4500 calories a day; accounting for the established minimal body expenditure (which might be as high as 4000, hence Micheal Phelps et al.) of 2000 calories.

Tech Support just has too many stories

Situation 1

Me: I need your WEP number, it's a set of numbers written on a label on the bottom of the router. Can you read it off to me?

Customer: (silent pause) I just need to get someone else to do that, that's too technical for me.

Situation 2:

Customer: We've had a power cut and all our systems are down. Can you remote in and get a list of customer's off the computer that we need to call?

Me: Sorry, did you say the power was off?

Customer: Yes

Me: Well I'm very sorry, but I can't, you have no power, the PC is off

Customer: But you can usually get in to our PC's, why not this time?

Me: Because you have no power!?!

Situation 3

Customer: Hi, my PC's not working, it was working last night when I went home.

Me: Okay, what do you mean it's not working?

Customer: Nothing happens when I move the mouse or hit the keyboard, and the screen is blank.

Me: Okay, is the screen switched on?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Are they any lights on the front of the PC?

Customer: No.

Me: Can you push the power button on the front.

Customer: Yes... oh, it's working now.

Situation 4:

Customer: My PC isn't working.

Friend: Okay, what do mean it's not working?

Customer: It's faulty and I can get it to working.

Friend: So what's happening, what's not working?

Customer: I don't know it's just not working

Friend: Can you describe what's going wrong?

Custoemr: No, I'm a hairdresser, not a computer person

Friend: Sorry?! I just need you to let me know what the fault is so I can try and fix it. Is the program working? Is the screen on? Are the printers working, that sort of stuff. If you don't tell me I can't help you.

Customer: You're being too condescending , I want to speak to some one else.

****

Some peopl shouldn't be allowed out on their own

Wait, there's a tier 3??? I have to claw and scratch my way to get to tier 2. How does anyone manage to get to 3?

Is there some secret codeword we can say that immediately bumps a caller up? Please, tell us!

Grakmar wrote:Wait, there's a tier 3??? I have to claw and scratch my way to get to tier 2. How does anyone manage to get to 3?

Is there some secret codeword we can say that immediately bumps a caller up? Please, tell us!

You would have to reboot alot to get to tier 3...

Gibbsey wrote:

Grakmar wrote:Wait, there's a tier 3??? I have to claw and scratch my way to get to tier 2. How does anyone manage to get to 3?

Is there some secret codeword we can say that immediately bumps a caller up? Please, tell us!

You would have to reboot alot to get to tier 3...

And make sure everything is plugged in several times.

Grakmar wrote:

Gibbsey wrote:

Grakmar wrote:Wait, there's a tier 3??? I have to claw and scratch my way to get to tier 2. How does anyone manage to get to 3?

Is there some secret codeword we can say that immediately bumps a caller up? Please, tell us!

You would have to reboot alot to get to tier 3...

And make sure everything is plugged in several times.

And make several sacrifices to Cthulhu.....

And if you're using HP, read your phone number and spell your e-mail address VERY SLOWLY to people who seem flabbergasted by NATO phonetics.

HP has a thousand tiers, and the people with actual technical knowledge are only on the last one.

Adventures in Insurance!

Policy Holder : Can I have an update on my claim?

Me: Of course. We sent out allegations to the third party insurer a week ago, and await their response

PH: Why haven't they responded

Me: I don't know, it could be a number of reasons.

PH: You must know, you have the file in front of you

Me:.....erm.....shut up. Shut up and go away (no, but I did think it!)

Next one!

PH : Why can't you get your legal team on to them

Me: We need to incur a financial loss, such as getting your vehicle repaired

PH: But I can't afford my excess.

Me: Unfortunately, under your policy, you remain liable for your excess at all times.

PH: BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

Me: (in my head) Then why in the name of Satan's Throbbing Portion, DID YOU SET IT T £1,500 WHEN YOU TOOK OUT THE POLICY YOU gakker.

Mr Mystery wrote:Adventures in Insurance!
Next one!

PH : Why can't you get your legal team on to them

Me: We need to incur a financial loss, such as getting your vehicle repaired

PH: But I can't afford my excess.

Me: Unfortunately, under your policy, you remain liable for your excess at all times.

PH: BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

Me: (in my head) Then why in the name of Satan's Throbbing Portion, DID YOU SET IT T £1,500 WHEN YOU TOOK OUT THE POLICY YOU gakker.

Idiocy, the only thing separating us from chimps.

It just keeps on getting better.

Still, I can always phone up another Insurer on a set case and take it out on them. Had a great one today where it looks like I've finally proven their insured is talking bollocks, which is always nice. Smug grin on my face!

My brother when working at shop right, customer walks up asking "where are the bananas?".

My brother has an entire display case behind him filled with bannanas, several bunches in his arms that he's putting on the shelf and a U-boat filled waist height with bannana boxes. His reply? "Im sorry, we dont sell bannanas here" customer then walks off angrily muttering "what kind of store doesent have bannanas! blah blah blah"

Tech support:

Caller: Hi, my printer say's it's out of ink do I need to buy a new printer? (facepalm 1)

Me: No, you just need a new cartridge, is it a colour printer?

Caller: It's beige.

I died a little inside.

Mate of mine is a techie for a company.
Best story he told me went along the lines of:

Problem Guy: Yeah I've got a virus on my computer can you come fix it?

Mate: Ok then. *goes over*

MAte: You've disabled the firewall. That stops viruses.

PG: I disabled it so I could download this thing. Then I got a virus. I shouldn't have a virus. When it told me this site came up offering anti-virus and I bought it and it's still here.

Mate: That's part of the virus. You just fed it money.

PG: well It's not my fault. You pay for it.

(It went on for a while later. It involves cursing and people being called idiots.)

Mr Mystery wrote:Adventures in Insurance!

Policy Holder : Can I have an update on my claim?

Me: Of course. We sent out allegations to the third party insurer a week ago, and await their response

PH: Why haven't they responded

Me: I don't know, it could be a number of reasons.

PH: You must know, you have the file in front of you

Me:.....erm.....shut up. Shut up and go away (no, but I did think it!)

Next one!

PH : Why can't you get your legal team on to them

Me: We need to incur a financial loss, such as getting your vehicle repaired

PH: But I can't afford my excess.

Me: Unfortunately, under your policy, you remain liable for your excess at all times.

PH: BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

Me: (in my head) Then why in the name of Satan's Throbbing Portion, DID YOU SET IT T £1,500 WHEN YOU TOOK OUT THE POLICY YOU gakker.

My mom manages an underwriting department at a reasonably large insurer, and I used to do the math for her when she would bring work home. I know your pain:

Issued Quote: 5000 USD premium

Filed Policy from Agent: 20000 USD premium.

A trainee comes in to see the medics.

"I want a note to excuse me wearing issue boots so I can get some special made boots"

"Why is that? Are you in pain? Getting any hot spots? Blisters?"

"I have an extra bone in each foot so boots don't fit"

"Oh, riiiiight, who told you that you had an extra bone in your feet? Did you go to a specialist?"

"No my Dad told me I have 21 instead of 20"

"You're not a horse, you don't have an extra bone in your feet and it's 26 bones not 20. Door's behind you"

A couple from when I was a 911 guy for an ivy league university (the smart kids?) police dept in the middle of a big city...

me: Police operator # whatever where is your emergency?
dumb kid: Hi I can't find my laptop.
me: Did you misplace it or are you saying it was stolen?
kid: I don't think anyone stole it. I just ran to the bathroom and when I came back it wasn't where I left it.
me: Ok, we will send a police officer there so you can file a report.
kid: why do I need to file a report if it's not stolen?
me: Is your laptop where you left it?
kid: no
me: well then, we will send a police officer there so you can file a report
kid: <click>


Emergency call box phone calls in

me: Where is your emergency?
kid: Hi, can you connect me to dorm room whatever?
me: No I cannot, this is a police emergency phone. Do you have an emergency?
kid: I wanted to get my girlfriend to meet me here at this restaurant.
me: This is an emergency phone, I can't connect you.
kid: OK, I'll just use my cell then. Thanks.

I have had a good one that has been going on for nearly two days by email. My department does a lot of video transcoding as part of our work. We regularly transcode video files between formats, since our company puts out videos through about 15 to 20 different channels.

Internal client: Can you change this video file into a mov?
Me: Certainly, what kind of mov do you want?
IC: Just a regular mov.
Me: There isn’t a regular mov as such. A mov is like an envelope that can contain a variety of different video formats, so I need to know exactly which one.
IC: Can you tell me the options?
Me: No, there are too many. Could you ask the person who wants this file, for the spec their channel (website, PlayStation Network, XBox Live, production company, FaceBook, The BBC, email, YouTube, etc) uses?
IC: Can you give it to me for Channel X spec?
Me: It’s already in that format.
IC: OK, I just want it as a mov.
Me: The Channel X spec doesn’t include mov.
IC: ...
Me: Why not send them the file you already have, and they can convert it themselves. If it doesn’t work, they will complain, and we can ask them for their spec.
IC: ...
Me: Could you ask the owner of the channel for their spec sheet?
IC: ...
IC: Let’s forget about this job until after Christmas.
Me: Good plan!

So a call beeps in my ear today, a man on the other end of the phone wants to report cable theft. As you can imagine, cable theft is taken very seriously by cable companies, so I proceeded to try and get as much info as I could before filling out the needed paper work. First and foremost, I asked how he knew or what it was that made him believe the cable signal was being stolen by some one else... I asked him if any wires had been spliced outside his home, if he noticed any strange persons tampering with the junction box, or if there where extra wires extending from his home to some one else's home etc etc... He said that the cable box in his room was missing. I tried to educate him that since some one broke into his home, he would actually have more luck filling out a police report and listing everything that was stolen. "Oh no" he said. "No one broke into my home, I just got into an argument with my mother and she took the cable box out of my room. So I want her to be charged with Cable Theft and pay the fine."

All of his information is on the account, the man is 38 years old and wants to tattle tale on his mommy. I think it is waayy past time for this man to leave the nest.


Another one I just remembered, this one is a classic around my office, it happened to me a while ago and still haunts my dreams:

Old Man: "I have no picture on my TV screen."
Me: "I can help you with that sir, first we just have to make sure the TV and the cable box are both turned on."
Old Man: "Okay, now how do I do that?"
Me: "Well sir, if nothing is lit up on the cable box, we would just need to make sure you press the power button."
Old Man: *a few seconds go by* "Okay, I unplugged the TV"
Me: "Actually sir, we only needed to press the power button on the cable box first, now you will have to plug the TV back in and then press the power button"
Old Man: "Okay I pressed the power button and nothing happened."
Me: "Have you already plugged the TV back in?"
Old Man: "No..." *long pause, dead silence*
Me: "Alright sir, do we have everything plugged back in now?"
Old Man: "No..."
Me: "Could you please plug the TV back in?"
Old Man: "Okay hold on" *phone makes static and rattling sounds as he sets it down...long pause of dead air*
Then, in the back ground I hear his wife ask him: "Honey? What do you need that crowbar for?"
*more time passes*
Old Man: "It's working now, bye" *click*

To this day, I too still want to know: What did he need that crowbar for?!?!?!?

Ive got a few

When I installed cable for awhile, guy shows me the spot where he wants me to hook up his BRAND NEW plasma tv. It wasnt anywhere to be seen, so I ask wheres the tv? Oh its upstairs Ill bring it down for ya. So Im looking at where Im going to install and such. The guy finally comes down with the TV in his hands, and then just tosses the damn thing a good 5 feet in my direction and it plops on the nice hard concrete floor. Me with the WTF look, Uhm....why did you do that? Oh just let me know when its all hooked up buddy, and then leaves. TV was totally smashed and only the green colors worked. Nice waste of 5k bucks me thinks.


Retail
Phone rings
me Thanks for calling whatever Im Brandon how can I help you
Old woman yes Im really old.........................................
me ok?
OW well I was wondering if you could gather a few things up for me to pick up. I cant walk so good
me sure man just let me know what you need and I can gather that for ya
(she tells me)
me Ok Ill set it aside for ya, so all youve got to do is just come and get it
OW ok (starts rammbling off numbers)
me whoa what are the numbers for?
OW those are my credit card numbers, just type them in for me, and then Ill give you my address to drop them off
me your kidding right? You should give out your credit card number like that, what if I were a thief?
OW Oh I trust you.................

I refused, so she called corporate to report me

Just got another WINNER!!!

So the call is transferred to me because her new wireless modem is not working.

Me: "I would be glad to help you, what lights do you currently have lit up on that modem ma'am?"
Woman: "None, it is completely dead I don't understand it."
Me: "Well ma'am, at the very least, the power light should be lit up indicating quite simply that it has enough power. Is that light turned on?"
Woman: "No, should it be?"
Me: "Yes; can I get you to make sure the power cord is firmly plugged into the electric outlet?"
Woman: "WAIT! You mean I have to plug it in!?!? They told me it was wireless, so why should I have to plug it in?!?!"
Me: FACE-PALM


Sadly, this is not the first time I have talked to some one who seems to think that electric devices no longer need electricity once you tack the word "wireless" on to the title. If we wanted a "true wireless modem", with out any wires what so ever, we could make one with batteries that you would need to replace every day. We could maybe use some kind of portable nuclear reactor built into it. Or better yet, a constant lightning bolt could arch from the wall and zap into the modem... I could see that working...



The saddest, and scariest, part about this call............. No one else in the company could figure out what was wrong before they transferred to me

A guy I knew worked at IBM and he said on their installation programs it used to say "Press any key" to continue installation, but they got too many people ringing up to ask where the "Any" key was, so they changed it to "Press space bar".

dogma wrote:When I was a personal trainer:

Prospective Client: I want to lose 50 pounds in a month.

Me: Alright, we can start you on a schedule of 2, 2 hour work outs per day. We'll also need to have you see our dietitian.

Prospective Client: I don't have time for 4 hours of exercise, and I don't want to regulate my diet.

Me: Then you won't lose 50 pounds this month.

Prospective Client: I'm paying you to make me lose 50 pounds this month!

Me: You haven't paid me anything.

Prospective Client: *storms off in a huff*

That's why I hated working with non-athletes.

You should have just started charging her 50 pounds a month. Sounds pretty cut and dry to me.

Psyker_9er wrote:

Second caller today:
caller: "Hey, I was just wondering, which movies are free on this channel called 'Free Movies On Demand'?"
me: "Well sir, all the movies on that channel are free... That is why it is called 'Free Movies On Demand'."
caller: "Well how was I suppose to know that!?!?"
me: FACE-PALM

I have sympathy for this caller. Too many services include the word 'Free' and are not, especially where the word free appears in the name or title as opposed to the contract. I would consider asking if Free Movies on Demand actually did what it said, and if I had no net connection calling tech support is the next step. You are far more likely to get the truth from the tech department than from the sales team. they might also know how and why its free, if indeed it is; information not known to most sales team members excepting laced soundbites of sales propoganda.

Psyker_9er wrote:
Just got another WINNER!!!

So the call is transferred to me because her new wireless modem is not working.

Me: "I would be glad to help you, what lights do you currently have lit up on that modem ma'am?"
Woman: "None, it is completely dead I don't understand it."
Me: "Well ma'am, at the very least, the power light should be lit up indicating quite simply that it has enough power. Is that light turned on?"
Woman: "No, should it be?"
Me: "Yes; can I get you to make sure the power cord is firmly plugged into the electric outlet?"
Woman: "WAIT! You mean I have to plug it in!?!? They told me it was wireless, so why should I have to plug it in?!?!"
Me: FACE-PALM


Sadly, this is not the first time I have talked to some one who seems to think that electric devices no longer need electricity once you tack the word "wireless" on to the title. If we wanted a "true wireless modem", with out any wires what so ever, we could make one with batteries that you would need to replace every day. We could maybe use some kind of portable nuclear reactor built into it. Or better yet, a constant lightning bolt could arch from the wall and zap into the modem... I could see that working...



The saddest, and scariest, part about this call............. No one else in the company could figure out what was wrong before they transferred to me

Well you COULD blame that on the installer as well. I remember this one day a bunch of us techs where sharing funny stories and I heard this gem. Apparently the supply room was out of the remotes we need for the digital boxes. So we basically had to set everything up, then later when we had the remotes, go back and finish the damn install. Well one tech was really pissed at that thought, and so told every person he installed for the day that the digital boxes are so high tech they are voice activated. We had a good laugh later when he got a bunch of calls from the main office about people yelling at their boxes and they wouldnt respond, so they needed a service tech. It was hilarious

Psyker_9er wrote:
Sadly, this is not the first time I have talked to some one who seems to think that electric devices no longer need electricity once you tack the word "wireless" on to the title. If we wanted a "true wireless modem", with out any wires what so ever, we could make one with batteries that you would need to replace every day. We could maybe use some kind of portable nuclear reactor built into it. Or better yet, a constant lightning bolt could arch from the wall and zap into the modem... I could see that working...

We actually had one of these clueless gems back when I worked in the dark, terrifying world of COMPOOTOR RE-TALE! about four years ago. I was back in the service end of the shop, and we had a lady who had me configure a wireless card for her laptop. As this is hardly an unusual request, I got it set up and showed her how to connect to a wifi AP and all that. Two days later, she showed up complaining that her laptop didn't work anymore and she thought the wireless card did it. I told her that I couldn't imagine what in the wireless card could cause such a thing, but that I'd take a look myself. After about a minute's glance, I grabbed one of the shop AC adaptors, plugged it in, and it worked just fine. I asked her how long ago she had it plugged in. (I was thinking her charger might be bad.) She told me two days ago. I told her that she might want to charge up the battery then, because it just looked like it died. She gave me the most incredulous look, and proceeded to remind me that "she shouldn't have to plug it in, because she JUST HAD ME install the wireless card." I apologized profusely, briefly explained the difference between collecting magic electricity out of the surrounding air and how the real world actually functions, and then offered to take it back.

Seriously though, I mean, induction is pretty cool stuff, but how on earth do these people honestly go around genuinely thinking that we can just (safely) shoot invisible electricity from wherever into their computers?

Christmas Eve sucks this year. Sadly, looks like my Grandad might start pushing up the daisies any minute now (no, seriously...renal failure kicked in on Tuesday) and I couldn't even get through to another insurer to take it out on some poor sod on the other end of the phone.

But then, it's not all bad, as at least there were no self righteous buttholes on the other end of the phone today.

Here's a tip kids...can't afford Fully Comprehensive Insurance, don't drive. Seriously. If you can't stretch to an extra £400 or so a year, just sell your car. Fully Comp makes your life so much easier. But oddly, not mine. Third Party Fire and Theft? Score! Open email, inform Third Party details, close file, and goodnight!

Here's another one....if you have an accident, STFU and let your Insurer handle it. I guarantee we know a buttload more than you about how to get a positive resolution.

And here's one for luck...DO NOT CALL EVERY SODDING DAY FOR AN UPDATE. IT GETS ON MY TITS, AND YOU WILL NOT APPRECIATE MY CAUSTIC SARCASM.