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**Lord of Caliban**

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**5P0G**

i liked it i could picture the templar firing the bolt pistol in the air to get attention, the only thing i wasnt sure about was that at parts it sounded like the chaos marine was very young, maybe he was.

**Lord of Caliban**

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**Lord of Caliban**

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**5P0G**

Come to think of it, I read it again and I think its quite fitting, I can sort of Imagen that the space marine would use proper spoken Gothic and the CSM using slang because he just doesn't care.

also I think that you hit the personality of the EC perfectly, especially as I Imagen him.

**Lord of Caliban**

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**5P0G**

awsome, i will keep an eye out, maybe even both

**LoneLictor**

Interesting short story. Please do update it sometime later (which is kind of hypocritical of me to say considering I give up on my stories easily and forget to update them).

**Akroma06**

Interesting story. The only issue I have is that I don't think that the BT would take a prisoner like that. I would have thought that they would just kill him. Also aren't Emperor's Champions chosen right before a battle? I didn't think there was one all the time. Other than that it was pretty good. I wouldn't say that the templars were startled by the bolt shot but rather it got there attention as they turned to look at who fired.

**Lord of Baal**

Good Story but they don't raid chaos temples.

**koridon**

nice story please continue

**5P0G**

Akroma06 wrote:I wouldn't say that the templars were startled by the bolt shot but rather it got there attention as they turned to look at who fired.

Im not sure, I think if you were sat there on your company's battle barge day dreaming into a bland meal of goop thinking about how cool the emperor is, and suddenly a bolt pistol round went off, you would be startled

**Akroma06**

5P0G wrote:
Akroma06 wrote:I wouldn't say that the templars were startled by the bolt shot but rather it got there attention as they turned to look at who fired.

Im not sure, I think if you were sat there on your company's battle barge day dreaming into a bland meal of goop thinking about how cool the emperor is, and suddenly a bolt pistol round went off, you would be startled

Yes but I am no Space Marine let alone a Black Templar. The line "And they shall know no fear" comes to mind. Granted its not true fear but being startled is a very low form of it (being scared because something shocked you and surprised you that was potentially dangerous.)

**Lord of Caliban**

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**Akroma06**

Ok pretty good...like the back in forth fighting, but again a few critiques:
1. Fear? From a captain no less...and they shall know no fear.
2. A captain? BT have no such thing the captain of a vessel is either a Marshal (overall crusade fleet) or a Castellan (Individual ship).
3. No such thing as Sgts in the BT. They have sword brethren but they are a different squad and they are more like vanguard. A typical Crusader squad (Tactical is vanilla equivelent) has neophytes (scouts) and initiates (marines).
Other that these few really good.

**Lord of Caliban**

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**LoneLictor**

Space Marines feel a little bit of fear actually, but its primarily nervousness and they don't act on it; that's part of what separates them from "mortals," who act on their fear. So there's no problem there in my opinion.

Also, I like how the Dark Apostle wants to fight the Emperor's Champion alone until he gets hit in the face with a powersword and suddenly changes his mind.

Keep up the writing. Also, I'd like to see a little bit of the Emperor's Champion's background (like how he became the Emperor's Champion and that sort of thing) but that's just a preference.

**Akroma06**

LoneLictor wrote:Space Marines feel a little bit of fear actually, but its primarily nervousness and they don't act on it; that's part of what separates them from "mortals," who act on their fear. So there's no problem there in my opinion.

Also, I like how the Dark Apostle wants to fight the Emperor's Champion alone until he gets hit in the face with a powersword and suddenly changes his mind.

Keep up the writing. Also, I'd like to see a little bit of the Emperor's Champion's background (like how he became the Emperor's Champion and that sort of thing) but that's just a preference.

Nervousness granted as they are not immortal, it is that nervousness that can drive them.
FYI I'm not trying to be a hard

just trying to help
Background of the EC would be cool since he recieves a vision of the emperor why not one where the emperor tells them to take that guy prisoner? Just a thought.

**Lord of Caliban**

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**Lord of Caliban**

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**LoneLictor**

Another good part. You have a good writing style regarding action and combat and that sort of thing. Lines like "He pulled out a huge, metal fist, and brought it down on my chest" give a good picture of the action. Keep up the good work!

**Lord of Caliban**

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**Akroma06**

Like this part, it definently feels fast paced like true combat would seem.

**Lord of Caliban**

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**Lord of Caliban**

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**LoneLictor**

Another interesting part. I'd say it's a safe bet that Octavius is a traitor and Duros is too blinded by the pride of training such a successful Marine to notice it. I'm looking forward to the next entry/part/chapter.

**Lord of Caliban**

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**koridon**

from scout to sword breathren in short order who did he pay off

**Lord of Caliban**

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**koridon**

I like that man, i felt like i could see it. That emporer's champion is having some rough set of fights