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The Ambush.

Chapter I

The Catachans was stealthily taking up positions in the Freudakian jungle. The hunt for the dreaded warboss Draznob had gone on for quite a while. The losses had been astonishing on both sides, yet they knew even as they sat up their position they were likely doing their last ambush as they were low on anything. Many of the heavy weapons were without ammunition or had simply gotten overused and had malfunctioned. Even their simple lasguns was starting to show an immense wear and tear.

Even so the battle in the jungle was imminent, a huge horde of Orks were swarming in on their position. Colonel James Stremm gave his last commands. The Ogryn-sized big-jawed fellow with greyish crew-cut and huge muscles even for a Catachan retrieved his Bolter Big Bertha for the final time.

The Orks came swarming at the thin Imperial line, booby-traps and precise lasgun-fire leveled the first wave. The second wave was of tougher more heavily armed Orks. They shrugged off any but the best placed lasgun-shots. Even Big Bertha had problems whittling down the members of the Warboss’ retinue that slowly was charging towards his squad, having already cut a platoon to ribbons.

Two of the creatures were remaining charging towards Stremm and his bodyguards. He resigned himself to his fate looking at the immense Warboss, yet a shadow intervened. The head of the closest Ork Nob came flying off, the body just ran off in a random direction. Before it came to rest as a part of the sandbags. While the head continued to insult Stremm who merely stomped on it to shut it up.

The shadow revealed itself. It was a fine looking young commissar, clad all in blackish, the suit blended so well in with the shadows even the Catachans hadn’t seen him until now. Yet he was in serious trouble because right behind him towered an Ork Warboss of epic proportions. “Another scumsucker bites the dust.” The commissar voiced it with gratification like he weren’t aware of the threat right behind him.

“How but me ooomie!?” A snarling gurgling voice said behind the man, who miraculously managed to deflect the Power Klaw-blow with his chainsword, and managed to make it whistle past him, just barely grazing the black armour. The commissar immediately pounced striking at the Power Klaw, disabling it. Yet the freed ork-hand slammed the commissar into the nearest Freudakian hardwood.

“That you shouldn’t have done!” The commissar roared just as the ork tried to raise his kombi-flamer to him. He was faster, the hissing meltagun immediately disabled the weapon and vaporized the arm of the ork. Yet the commissar made his first mistake in the duel buoyed up by seeing aneasy kill, he ran closer to the Warboss roaring: “Now you die you beast!” He pulled the trigger but a forcefield erupted around the Warboss neutralizing the blast.

The one-armed bandit didn’t let an opportunity go from him and pounced at the commissar who for once reacted too slow and got bodyslammed. He grabbed the meltagun of the struggling human and tore it off the chains, but as he did he felt a sting in his arm. The commissar had from his jacket-sleeves brandished two monofilament-knives. Reacting quickly Draznob kicked away the flailing man before the second arm was taken away.

He saw the man smash into a large pine making it sway. A spider-monkey immediately landed at his right shoulder, he tossed it straight at Draznob, who caught and squashed it mid-air. Next he felt a burning pain in his remaining shoulder and saw two poisoned knives the commissar doubtless had hidden in his black eupalets. Just as he sped towards the huge ork, brandishing two new knives. The commissar jumped on Draznob with cat-like grace, all intent on finishing the job despite substantial injuries inside of him.

The knives slashed at the throat of the Ork as the commissar tried to avoid the huge fist of Draznob. It got him. It clenched hard around the struggling human. It was not enough for Draznob he was intent to finish this man once and for all, he bit after him, but a surprising head-butt from the human brought the buldging eye of Draznob into biting-distance of him. He bit it hard, hard human teeth tore into the soft tissue of the eyes. The pain made Draznob ease his hold of the commissar who then got up his Uplifting Primer.

That he brutally showed into the other eye, then came the las-chisel up, it was ignited. Draznob stopped. He stood there as a statue just leaning, with a burning small book inside his skull.

The commissar was anything but graceful now as he with a big goofy grin stumbled towards the Catachans, knowing full and well they likely would just butcher him for his trouble of saving the command-squad. He giggled like a small boy watching an Ogryn firing a Heavy Bolter in the distance, he knew his wounds were mortal.

He finally fell stumbling at an exposed root he dead-drunk wouldn’t hit. He now tried to think about the Emperor. Instead visions of his life flashed before him. He saw his proud tutors at the Schola, how he himself advanced to become one, he saw his friends, he saw the good times and most of all he saw his fiancé.

Infact he saw only her as he landed face down in a puddle of mud, no more than an inch or two deep. He laid there dreaming letting go of life just seeing her sweet face. He knew he should focus on the Emperor yet her lure were stronger. He passed out trying to whisper her name with his last breath.

yet a shadow intervened.

I doubt a commissar would manage to blend in so easily with his surroundings that he'd seem like a shadow, unless it was pitch black.
In which case, it might be good to mention that
Also, why is the commissar even there?

The head of the closest Ork Nob came flying off, the body just ran off in a random direction. Before it came to rest as a part of the sandbags. While the head continued to insult Stremm who merely stomped on it to shut it up.

orks have been known to flail around for a few seconds after decapitation, IIRC even managing a few more swings of a weapon, but forming insults until stomped on is going a tad too far- I would just have the colonel stomp it as it rolled past him.

managed to deflect the Power Klaw-blow with his chainsword

a power klaw uses a forcefield of energy around it, so as to rip through several centimetres of metal easily- I doubt a chainsword would be able to deflect it- maybe just have him dodge?

kombi-flamer to him. He was faster, the hissing meltagun

wait, where did they come from? Mention the ork having the kombi-flamer before that, maybe having him kill some men with it, or be aiming it at the colonel, and have him pull out a meltagun.

disabled the weapon and vaporized the arm of the ork.

I'd not bother saying the weapon was disabled- if he doesn't have an arm to use it with, I'd say it would be assumed that it melted along with the hand holding it

randished two monofilament-knives.
two poisoned knives the commissar doubtless had hidden
brandishing two new knives.

Is that four or six knives?
and why is he carrying that many backups? That's a chainsword, meltagun, (I assume) pistol of some kind, and at least four knives.

surprising head-butt from the human

an ork's skull is so thick a tough ork (such as a warboss) has been known to even shrug off bolter rounds. Headbutting an ork isn't going to end well- maybe have the commissar hit it in the face with his pistol?

He bit it hard, hard human teeth tore into the soft tissue of the eyes.

how could a human manage to close around an eye? Especially considering how deep an ork's eye socket is.

That he brutally showed into the other eye, then came the las-chisel up

How could a book fit in an eye socket?
What's a las-chisel?
Where did it come from?
Why is he carrying one?
How did he have time to set fire to the book?
How did he a flaming book kill the ork? (Why didn't the ork pull it out)

knowing full and well they likely would just butcher him

why would people on his side kill him for saving them?

What the commissar lying dying in the mud didn't realize, was that he was dead-wrong about the Catachans. His teachings that the Catachans were some sort of Ogryns had been all misinterpretation and lies as he had taken their physique and guttural dialect to be related to Ogryns. Yet they strove forward meeting the overwhelming number of orks at the quagmire they called a battlefield. Even huge Freudakian hardwoods toppled after badly aimed ork bolter-shots and other heavy ordinance tore into them as they tried to hit the surging and swift-footed Catachans.

The first over to the commissar was a tall muscular 17 year old man with the name Julius Cavenaugh. He swiftly turned the commissar over. "Damn, man you did a-" He didn't come farther before a bolt tore off half his right hand. He fell back, knowing he was dying. Suddenly he saw her a lithe, very pretty commissar in her early twenties. "Bite this!" She put his Catachan combat-knife in his mouth while she spoke in her broken, hoarse yet pleasant voice with a slight cling of aristocracy. Then she drew her laspistol and cauterized the wound.

"Impressive. Not a whimper, and that's pain most screams like hell over." She stared into the dazed eyes of Cavenaugh. Then she realized he was going into shock due to the loss of limp. She smacked him in the face. "Stay awake." Quickly she got the adrenalin-syringe up with a knife. She rapidly ripped the t-shirt of the guy open. Then sat the syringe. He came convulsing back to life. "Stay awake boy!!! That's a frakking order soldier!" His eyes shone with defiance. "You don't order me around commissar." He gargled weakly. "What's your name commissar?"

She had already turned her attention to the other commissar, starting to administer first-aid to him. Cavenaugh could hardly see her even as she was only mere steps away from him. "Michelle Ionza, Deathworld sniper, commissar and Drill-Abbess of the Schola Freudakia, and this is my fiance and fellow Drill Abbott Zachary Carrus. Your turn soldier." She smiled almost motherly towards him as she continued to work at her fallen mate. Then she hissed into the vox. "Commissar Ionza here, call-sign 52 Alpha-Lima-Delta, where are those reinforcements? Over."

Cavenaugh just saw her press her ear. Now he realized those were not normal humans as he saw under the gash of the male's forehead was shiny metal underneath the blood and flesh. While setting shots of stabilizers in her beloved, she worked rapidly not noticing a huge ork approaching her, then savagely kicked her as she turned to face it. She hit a Freudakian hardwood with a snarl several meters away, she immediately dragged out power rapier, blackish, not very pretty, yet quite sleek and up came her bolt pistol as well. It was of an elegant black design, sleek yet finely crafted with an oddly bulky 30 round sickle magazine. She fired a few rounds at the ork that harmlessly bounced off it's thick armour. Next she took cover behind a Freudakian hardwood as the ork returned fire. Then Cavenaugh attacked the ork with his blade. No sooner has he lunged after the ork, he laid on the ground clipped in two by the power klaw of the ork. Yet the distraction allowed Ionza to get closer. The ork missed at her both with the bolter and also with the klaw as she with cat-like grace managed to get up-close and personal.

Knowing her bolter likely would do zero damage against the hulking creature she left it unceremoniously in the mud getting a monofilament knife from her right jacket-sleeve. while she dodged the savage attack of the increasingly enraged ork as she ducked down and cut the ork's foot off with her powered sword. The creature hit the ground with a snarl, then it laid a savage hit on Ionza sending her reeling into a bush.

It was too late for the ork, Stremm rushed in and smashed the face of the ork with his powered fist before picking up the wounded commissar and running away with him while the Catachans gave the old really muscular man covering fire forcing the orks into cover. Then the line of the orks lit up as fire from over a dozen Leman Russ Demolishers rained down over the hapless orks blasting many to smithereens.

Stremm even had to dodge a falling Freudakian pine as he saw the dark contures of a Chimera with twin-linked bolters just driving one down. The grey-green jungle-pattern camouflaged vehicle stopped right in front of Stremm and from the back out first came a giant of a man in all black powered armor. The massive fists were sparkling with energy, clearly powered fists, a Rosarius was crested around the neck of the man and a little behind the fists were two stormbolters. Right behind two Inquisitorial Storm Troopers moved quickly with a stretcher towards the two.

Carrus was rapidly laid down on the stretcher. The Inquisitor removed his helmet, showing it a face of a rather young man, in his 30's, but with already almost completely grey hair, and a nasty chainsword-scar running parallel with his left eyes which was a bionic one of exquisite design.

"Who are you?" Stremm was tall enough to look the man straight into his eyes. He just smirked. "Your salvation obviously." The voice was soft and enthralling in sharp contrast with Stremm's voice which was about as pleasant to listen to as getting a fist to your ears. "Inquisitor Kelkaris here *Stremm made a stiff salute at the spot* might I inquire who you are soldier?" Stremm swallowed heavily. "Colonel James Stremm of the 184th Devil Dogs here." The Inquisitor waved dismissively making Stremm break the salute.

"What are you doing here?" Kelkaris bored his eyes into the eyes of Stremm. "You frakked up the plan by being here." He looked far more aggressive now. "We are here because we were assigned to by Munitorum Inquisitor." Stremm sweated under the gaze of the Inquisitor as Ionza came up to them, exchanging a nod with the Inquisitor making Stremm realize she was indeed in the retinue of the one now addressing him. "What about the retreating orks Inquisitor, shall we pursue?" She looked worried up at him. "Negative, Commissar Carrus told me he has boobytrapped the area over the vox Commissar Ionza. So we will just fall back to the Schola Freudakia and interview the Carachans while the Manticores and Basilisks will flatten the area." Noticing Stremm tensing up where he stood he then said. "Commissar place colonel Stremm and the Catachan regiment under Inquisitorial arrest." He turned to go as Ionza aimed her bolt pistol at Stremm who immediately surrendered, halfway on the way he stopped, turned back to Ionza. "I do it myself, go see to you fiance commissar." She saluted and ran off to get into the Chimera that razed off through the jungle at breakneck speed being the last person into it.

He glanced right at the despairing eyes of Stremm, who saw the Storm Troopers having surrounded the Catachans disarming them, treating them as prisoners not allies. Stremm was quickly disarmed, then he was handcuffed and forced to lie face-down by the Storm-Troopers not taking any chances. That was not pleasant as the ground shock from the shock of artillery-bombardement while he heard the Inquisitor vox in instructions for Valkyries to evacuate them in the background.

After less than half an hour the Valkyries came landing in a hastily prepared LZ by the flamers of the Freudakians. Stremm and his other guys noticed that the privates at least were young, under 20 at least. Yet they had competence as they without a hitch had disarmed a Catachan squad, and managed to keep it civil with the Catachans as no-one had butt-ended anyone and no savage kicks to the head of prisoners were dished out. They were merely goaded onto the waiting Valkyries and tied up there with the guards beside them.

"Seems you frakked up again James." The voice was well-known to Stremm despite it being nearly 80 years since he last heard it. Immediately he turned his head gazing into the eyes of Latiffa McLandi. A rather tall and bulky woman with an olive perplexion. He looked in shock at her. "Hey stop looking at me like that James." She then giggled. "Don't you remember the good times we had?" The scarred face of the Catachan woman opened up in a wide grin.

"You are supposed to be dead, not teaching your skills as a sniper to kids." Stremm merely growled back at his jailor. Sitting across from him was Kelkaris, he leaned forward with a sadistic grin on his face, the cut seemed to make it into a half-moon, his voice was needlessly sweet. "Interesting a connection, tell me now captain McLandi, what was it?"

"Married for 24 years Inquisitor." She tersely reported back to him. Eyes tried to avoid the prying eyes of Kelkaris that sat feeling their thoughts bubbling up. Memories, mostly happy to his surprise, but also some sad. "Hm you had a son." He saw both Catachans get tense. "Inquisitor, if you don't mind, I rather not want to discuss our son." Stremm said that feeling far less courageous than he sounded.

The Valkyrie was meanwhile streaking through the skies towards the Schola Freudakia in the rain-forest. The Catachans saw it, it looked more like a black prison than a place of learning with trenches and artillery-positions, tall walls, anti-aircraft-systems adjorned it. It was a sprawling military metropolis of pure blackness, ugly as hell, their hearts sunk as they watched it come closer. First beginning like a black dot in the horizon.

The Chimera speeding through the jungle suddenly got a surprise coming it's way. "Ma'am." The gunner of it voxed through the internal vox. Ionza hit the repeat-button. "Speak your mind gunner." "I see a Catachan Ma'am." The gunner replied. Ionza quickly almost screeched in the vox. "Stop the Chimera immediately!" The Chimera slid to a rapid holt, but Ionza had opened the hatch and jumped out of the Chimera, making a roll as she exited the vehicle before landing on her feet, with her longlas trained on the wounded Catachan. Her eyes were scanning for any hidden traps as she slowly arched forward towards the Catachan.

"Are you okay soldier?" She cried out while getting close enough to touch the man as the Chimera screeched to a halt hitting a Freudakian pine who showered it with heavy Freudakian pine-cones denting the top of of it. The man answered in a faint whisper. "Water please." Ionza instead removed her right black leathery glove, opening a pocket at her greatcoat getting out a syringe. She injected the man with some sedatives as in the nook of her eyes she saw a brace of medics exiting the Chimera at full tilt with a stretcher they unfolded as they ran.

"Are you boobytrapped in any way soldier?" She gestured to the medics to stay back. "You don't lie on a grenade so I would be hurt?" She looked tersely at the wounded man, finally noticing the missing leg, blasted off right under the knee. He also had a few stab-wounds as well. "No commissar, I-I ain't a boobytrap, just a wounded man." Ionza not buying it carefully got up her knives and started to cut open the uniform of the man, treating him more like he was a dangerous explosive than a human being.

Eventually she was sated, waving the medics forwards. They swiftly lifted him onto the stretcher. One of them looked worried over at the commissar. "Excuse me Ma'am." He coffed out. "Speak up medic." She replied scanning the environment for danger as they spoke with her longlas.

"We don't have room for both of you inside the Chimera commissar, so maybe we should-" He stopped abruptly as he felt the harsh stare of the small woman in his eyes. "Should what soldier? Leave the brave wounded behind? No sir, I will walk and he will get medical treatment." Her voice was serene and calm, like she talked about walking from one end of the Schola to the next, not like she was gonna be alone in a jungle teeming with dangerous animals like the Shadow Tiger which claws and teeth could break through cerapace like it was cottage cheese, extremely poisonous snakes and spiders, packs of Dire Wolves, orks, feral Ogryns with a serious taste for human flesh, and that just just some of the many threats in this jungle that gave the famous Death Worlds of Phyrr and Catacha a run for their money. Being alone in it was akin to suicide.

She rapidly restocked inside the Chimera. Even planted a kiss on the mouth of her comatose lover as she left the Chimera while the wounded Catachan was tugged in there as the medic frantically worked on the limp body. Ionza left it with a glum smile at her face as she saw the Chimera roar off. Not before she had seen it speed off she felt a presence behind her in the bush. She immediately spun around going onto one knee, she took immediate aim. Just to see a Catachan. Soon more Catachan emerged, lasguns trained on her. Leading them was a huge scarred fair-skinned fellow, a powered sword was drawn. It was placed the throat of Ionza.

"Give me a reason I shouldn't just slit your throat now commissar!" The Catachan captain hissed with particular malice at commissar. "I saved the life of your soldier, Catachan." She said back relaxed, actually sounding happy. A grizzled veteran stepped forward. "That longlas, I think i have seen it before." The voice of the old man was gnarly, almost reminiscent of nails scratching at a chalkboard as he grabbed Ionza's longlas from her hands. "Shut up old man." The captain growled back.

"It's a McLandi, special-" Longer he didn't come as the huge Catachan snarled. "I said shut up-" The momentary distraction gave Ionza the tiny opening she needed as she kicked the legs out of the much larger captain, then she drew her hidden monofilament knives from her jacket-sleeves, before she jumped atop of the sprawling large Catahan, one knife at the balls of the Catachan the other at his throat. "Here at Freudakia we respect our elders, especially when said elders are Deathworld Snipers!" Ionza snarled out the words, her eyes displayed an odd fiery rage rarely seen in her.

"That sounds like McLandi even." He smiled at the young commissar laying over the hulking brute. She smiled back at the frail-looking old man standing with her elegant sleek longlas in his hands. "Insulting Deathworld Snipers also mean you get hurt where it hurts the most when you take a leak...*She glanced at his dog-tag* captain Thomas Smith." "Yeah you know her." The old black man extended his hand from under the gill-suit, Ionza grabbed it, letting him help her onto her feet.

"Michelle Ionza. Deathworld sniper and commissar." She even made a small curtsy at him. He smiled back with his brown teeth, age certainly hadn't played nice with that old man. "Tarik Brumby, Deathworld sniper." Another Catachan picked up her commissar cap a low-peaked black very plain cap at that with the traditional skull at. "P-p-p-p-p-" The young man tried to read the inscription of it. Ionza merely walked over to him, then she asked with a sweet voice. "I assume you name begins with a P private." As she gently took the cap from him, shaking it a few times.

"Yes commissar, Patrick Eaves, might I inquire how you knew?" The bearded heavily muscled fair-skinned man replied, hair in a short black mohawk. "Educated guess, the inscription is the commissar creed of Schola Freudakia Plumbum ex Umbra, High Gothic for Lead from the Shadows." She said with a slight chuckle. The Catachans murmured amongst themselves about it. The bravest finally stepped forward, he had lieutenant-chevrons. "Ehm you fur-coat, ma'am, is it of the fur of a Shadow-Tiger?" He touched it gently feeling the softness of it. "It is indeed, only four people have ever bested them as far as I know." The thumb on her right hand got up. "Me." The index-finger got up. "My fiance." The middle finger got up. "Lord Commissar Nathan Harken."

Then she turned to go. The lieutenant looked surprised at her, the young rather unscarred man then asked. "And number four?" Ionza just cast her head back laughing. "Try a guess lieutenant, we just spoke of her." She walked a little distance before turning, raising her voice addressing them all. "I understand you are hesitant to come with me, you have the choice of not coming with me, you might even reach Panarix far on the northern side of this continent, but then you must pass through the kingdoms of blood Ogryns which crave human flesh and various cults that sacrifices and nevermind orks, millions of orks."

She knew the speech was good enough to convince them to come with her as she began to walk. The first person that followed her was Brumby, the lieutenant then followed. Smith on the other hand was flabbergasted. "Why the hell are you following this bitch, we should just slit her throat, and be-" She had came upon him and slapped him hard. Next she drew her bolter aiming it squarely at Thomas Smith. "Want to see what damage a political officer can do? Here it comes. You captain Thomas Smith is no longer in charge of this outfit." With her monofilament knife she cut of the the captain-chevorns on Smith. "Now you are private Smith." She looked over at the bulky lieutenant. "Lieutenant what's your name?" "Mark Evans ma'am." "Good you are in command of this outfit, and if private Thomas Smith does anything mildly annoying, shot him and make up a particularly stupid reasons later."

She handed Evans her bolt pistol, and began to walk. "Ma'am." She turned looking at the Catachan standing there with his large sausage-fingers and hands far to large for such an elegant weapon. "Right, a pistol custom-made for a lady fits badly in the hands of a bulky warrior." He quickly gave her back the pistol. "That's a damn fine bolter Ma'am." He looked at the mastercrafted item with wonder. She smiled gracefully. "Thank you, but lets get moving as I want to put as much distance between the orks and us as possible."

The Catachans followed her lead as they were secretly relieved the petite woman had outbullied the hulking Thomas Smith who not only had had the drop on her but managed to lose badly against her. They traveled for a few hours, with Ionza and Brumby first doing a tactical rapid leapfrogging as she lead them south towards the military base there at quite the pace.

Had some interesting ideas and certainly painted a vivid picture. Moved along at a nice pace and had a good amount of tension. The slightly rushed, rough draft, feel to some of the writing let it down a little though.

All but two of Shrike's criticisms are completely invalid and unhelpful, however i do think he's right about foreshadowing a couple of things.

@Shrike, try to be more objective with your criticisms in future. Most of these bullet points are completely subjective, based purely on your interpretation of the, usually ill-defined, fluff. Try to think of ways the writer could improve the story. Also to paraphrase Logan Ninefingers: You can never have enough Knives!

I think the first part is in need of a couple re-reads and editing. Sometimes the grammar etc makes it a little bit confusing plus some of the action needs to be explained a little more clearly.

Beaviz81 wrote:"Are you okay soldier?" She cried out
she thinks he's a bomber, and she's an imperial commissar. Why would she cry out to him?
while getting close enough to touch the man as the Chimera screeched to a halt
I thought it already stopped? "The Chimera slid to a rapid holt".
hitting a Freudakian pine
I'd have thought the Chimera would just stop straight, rather than veering off-road.
who showered it with heavy Freudakian pine-cones denting the top of of it.
Pine cones (albeit heavy ones) denting a chimera's armour? I doubt a coconut could scratch the paint off one.
She looked tersely at the wounded man, finally noticing the missing leg, blasted off right under the knee. He also had a few stab-wounds as well.
She managed to miss the fact that his leg was missing and he had "a few stab wounds"?

"We don't have room for both of you inside the Chimera commissar, so maybe we should-" He stopped abruptly as he felt the harsh stare of the small woman in his eyes.
Considering a Chimera can seat 12 men relatively comfortably, I'd have thought one man can lie in the floor space?
"Should what soldier? Leave the brave wounded behind? No sir, I will walk and he will get medical treatment."
She'd just interrogated the dude because she suspected he was a suicide bomber, now she's giving a man who will pobably die soon her seat, despite a serious threat to her life? Commissars are typically cold and calculating, constantly working for the greater good.

She rapidly restocked inside the Chimera. Even planted a kiss on the mouth of her comatose lover as she left the Chimera while the wounded Catachan was tugged in there as the medic frantically worked on the limp body. Ionza left it with a glum smile at her face as she saw the Chimera roar off. Not before she had seen it speed off she felt a presence behind her in the bush. She immediately spun around going onto one knee, she took immediate aim. Just to see a Catachan. Soon more Catachan emerged, lasguns trained on her. Leading them was a huge scarred fair-skinned fellow, a powered sword was drawn. It was placed the throat of Ionza.
again, why do the Catachans want to kill them?

one knife at the balls of the Catachan the other at his throat.
I'm not sure I want to know why she'd bother with that first knife...
"Here at Freudakia we respect our elders, especially when said elders are Deathworld Snipers!"
Why specify she's a deathworld sniper? She's on a deathworld. I'd think it would already be assumed. And how old is this captain? I thought Ionza was quite young?
Ionza snarled out the words, her eyes displayed an odd fiery rage rarely seen in her.
She's a commissar, I'd have thought fiery rage would be bog-standard.

"It is indeed, only four people have ever bested them as far as I know."
I'd have thought more than four people ever would have killed a tiger, just saying.

"I understand you are hesitant to come with me, you have the choice of not coming with me, you might even reach Panarix far on the northern side of this continent, but then you must pass through the kingdoms of blood Ogryns which crave human flesh and various cults that sacrifices and nevermind orks, millions of orks."
She knew the speech was good enough to convince them to come with her as she began to walk.
Where did this proposition to follow her come from? And why would she want them to follow her, she'd just been about to be killed by them. And that was hardly an inspiring speech, more just a statement.

"Want to see what damage a political officer can do? Here it comes. You captain Thomas Smith is no longer in charge of this outfit."
Commissars operate outside chain of command, allowing them to question an officer's orders and dispense disciplinary action, but they have no power to demote them- that responsibility rests with their commanding officer.
She handed Evans her bolt pistol, and began to walk. "Ma'am." She turned looking at the Catachan standing there with his large sausage-fingers and hands far to large for such an elegant weapon. "Right, a pistol custom-made for a lady fits badly in the hands of a bulky warrior."
Bolt pistols are massive. They basically fire grenades. I don't care if it's customised, a bolt pistol can never be described as "elegant". Also, I'd hardly call her a lady.

Thank you Perk for you kind words. Which thingies were you referring to?

Perkustin wrote:All but two of Shrike's criticisms are completely invalid and unhelpful, however i do think he's right about foreshadowing a couple of things.

@Shrike, try to be more objective with your criticisms in future. Most of these bullet points are completely subjective, based purely on your interpretation of the, usually ill-defined, fluff. Try to think of ways the writer could improve the story. Also to paraphrase Logan Ninefingers: You can never have enough Knives!

My criticisms weren't criticisms, but questions and points brought up to help Beaviz write a better story. As for completely invalid, I think my points were valid, pointing out things which might need re-writing (actually specifying what parts), and which things need explaining to an outside reader.

I fail to see how my bullet points are subjective and based on my interpretation of the story, I think I read it at face value as most readers would, so my points I pointed out to be corrected/revised could be clearer to others.

and lastly, telling me to try and think of ways Beaviz could improve the story and that my points were unhelpful is hardly fair, seeing as your points were very general, whereas I specified what needs revision.

Look shrike, the thing is that you basically questioned the whole thingy with the ork that could survive decapitation (they can as Maddoks does it all the time without anesthetics so for me that's a special technique of beheading), and what political means. And then again political comes from not the best of sources and already pissed off about Thomas Smith, you are confusing a woman thinking the Deathworld sniper is the ultimate warrior with the truth as I'm often painting POVs. I mean had Smith protested she would have put him down due to defying an already irate commissar who think of herself as a Deathworld sniper first, and he just insulted one of her own in that regard so saying she ain't thinking straight at all as she removes the feared head of a unit for a simple yes-man.

And yes I interpret the commissar-role as being responsible to pick good leaders with the political stuff which is really a burden to be a competent commissar (just wait and see when I drag the historical role of a commissar into it with them being theones actually making the requests from the Departemunto as that was what they historically did), and Ionza is competent but she plays favorites which is blatantly shown. Plus she is worried about getting shot in the back by the Catachans if she executes him, which shows in her decision. And that's not cowardice that pragmatism.

 Beaviz81 wrote:
Look shrike, the thing is that you basically questioned the whole thingy with the ork that could survive decapitation (they can as Maddoks does it all the time without anesthetics so for me that's a special technique of beheading), and what political means. And then again political comes from not the best of sources and already pissed off about Thomas Smith, you are confusing a woman thinking the Deathworld sniper is the ultimate warrior with the truth as I'm often painting POVs. I mean had Smith protested she would have put him down due to defying an already irate commissar who think of herself as a Deathworld sniper first, and he just insulted one of her own in that regard so saying she ain't thinking straight at all as she removes the feared head of a unit for a simple yes-man.

And yes I interpret the commissar-role as being responsible to pick good leaders with the political stuff which is really a burden to be a competent commissar (just wait and see when I drag the historical role of a commissar into it with them being theones actually making the requests from the Departemunto as that was what they historically did), and Ionza is competent ut she plays favorites which is blatantly shown. Plus she is worried about getting shot in the back by the Catachans if she executes him, which shows in her decision. And that's not cowardice that pragmatism.

After several attempts at reading this (commas would help), I've come to the following conclusion:
- I still strongly doubt that anything (even an ork) can survive decapitation by chainsword.
- no idea what you're trying to say with the whole deathworld sniper thing, other than point taken about the "one of her own" thing.
- You can certainly interpret commissars to have various roles or aims as their job, but there's no interpretation involved in what they are and are not allowed to do to chain of command, and that is they can query orders and punish officers, not go around demoting them to infantrymen.

Plus, you still haven't covered my main query- why are the Catachans constantly trying to kill them?

Ehm they ain't, they are trying to help, but you get the negative POV I take. I mean you take a guy who thinks a Catachan firing a heavy bolter seriously is an Ogryn, that a POV. Grab the concept of POV, they are simple. And for the second, I don't think you would like anyone treating your friend missing a leg pleasantly when she is approaching him like she would be approaching a ticking bomb. Please use common sense. Plus the Catachans are skeptical to commissars, that's established in fluff.

And if the explanation doesn't do it, just stop commenting because you seem as Perk thought just to be derping, and I think so as well, infact I rely on his POV with regards to your comments, as my own is unreliable.

At one of the few points of rests while she was drinking up all the water in her bottle before refilling it while scouting with Brumby, Ionza noticed him lookin at the sun. "What are you looking at sniper?" She asked a bit pensive. "The sun Ma'am, you are leading us southeast following these tank-tracks, mind you if I ask you why? As we have no anti-tank weaponry with us." He looked worried over at the young commissar refilling her bottle at the stream.

"Drink up, I will tell you." She answered calmly. As the old man emptied his own canteen she talked. "We are following the tank-threads to observe whatever is driving that tank, at least that's what I plan to do. I will wait for lieutenant Evans and discuss the matter with him." The sniper wiped his mouth with the brown-green sleeve of his jacket. "Makes perfect sense for me ma'am. So we shall just wait here for them, like at the other streams?" He turned around knowing she nodded and refilled his own canteen.

They waited for a short while until the Catachans arrived. Evans looked skeptical at Ionza. He strode towards her as his troops finished their canteens, and got the water from the stream. "Commissar." He said loudly. "Yes lieutenant." She turned towards him, making a quick salute which was equally sloppily returned. "You have us go southeast following tank-threads, why?" He looked accusingly at her, pointing to them.

"That I intended to discuss with you lieutenant, I want to know about what has an Imperial Leman Russ battle-tank going that way, as if it's friendlies we can join with them. Enemies and we will collect data." She looked uncertain as she spoke while she ate the rest of the grasshopper.

"We will follow the threads, I agree to your suggestion commissar. Refill and move out." As he said that Ionza and Brumby both started with the trot they had done the past few hours, leapfrogging with one taking aim covering the track for the other that were sprinting between cover.

Smith finally arrived, he was furious of his demotion. Eyes burned with hatred against him. Every soldier looked at him like he was the lowest scum on the planet. Evans stepped forward his lasgun trained straight at Smith. "Private Smith we need to talk!" If Smith was angry before now he got even worse. He screamed. "Private I'm a frakking captain, that bitch won't survive-" He was interrupted by all his former officers and sergeants training their lasguns and pistols at him. "We have had a little chat." Evans began, and your survival depends on the commissar's, if she dies you dies." Evans said it flat without any emotion. "So even if I'm a mile away? You will kill me?" Smith said in total disbelief. "Yeah chup!" Came it from a sergeant behind him. "Especially then." Another voiced in. "See you have no support anymore." Evans said. "I will put in the transfer-request of you tomorrow my former CO to another part of this regiment. Understood private?" Smith straightened up, giving Evans a good salute. "Yes sir."

Eventually they stopped behind some fallen logs. They saw that their enemy the orks were in possession of the tank, and luckily the tank was the rear-echelon. "see that Acidspitter over there?" Ionza pointed at a huge black hairy with yellow glowing eyes, about the size of a human head. "Unfortunately I see it yes." Brumby asnwered as he shrugged a little watching the hideous spider. "We are in luck we can re-capture the Leman Russ." Ionza seemed pleased. Brumby just scratched his head. "With that spider? You must be insane ma'am."

The other Catachans arrived, Ionza explained her plan to them, and soon she was speeding towards the spider, she grabbed one of it's legs chucking it forward toward the tank as the Catachans followed a short distance behind her. Then she avoided the acid-spit of it slinging it high into the air, and she dodged the acid rain it unleashed against her. Eventually she reached the Leman Russ and she kicked the Acid Spitter inside relishing the screams of pain and terror as the spider went berserk inside.

Trooper Smith ran up and looked oddly on Ionza who just stood there glaring at the tank. "Why ain't you taking cover behind the tank?" He growled. He got his answer the Acid Spitter had found a way out by the top-hatch after dispatching the crew, and now came jumping out of the tank. Ionza shot it in mid-air with her bolter. It exploded and shards of acid rained over Smith, who soon was rolling on the ground in pain as acid burned his left shoulder badly. Ionza holstered the bolt pistol and brought up her laspistol instead, then shot a shot that grazed the wounded shoulder of Smith. "That's why, it was coming back for seconds."

"You bitch you shot me!!" Smith screamed, but before he could say anything more, Ionza kneeled down before him, power sword at his throat. "Sh you moron, I shot a grazing shot to your shoulder to cauterize the wound, and if you ever call me bitch again I will impale you on the spot!!" She hissed out the comments, then rapidly turned around, yelling. "Heyh guys secure the tank!" Then Smith got on his feet. The look on his face said that he wanted to throttle the little woman, yet he said. "Yes commissar and thank you for saving my life."

Still the orks laid down a devastating fire and worse there seemed to be some sort of a huge ork with a teleportation gun there sending a Snotling splattered against the armour of the Leman Russ. Ionza quickly hit the vox at her ear. "Sniper Brumby there? Over." "Yes ma'am, over." "Take out the large ork bullying the small orkoids, over and out." Not long after the sentence was uttered the Runtherd fell with a lasbolt from a long distance to the the spot between his eyes.

Still the orks charged on and several of the Catachans rushing for the Leman Russ was cut down in the hail of badly aimed bolts. Ionza at times popped out from behind the tank a few times with her laspistol popping an ork or two, but they were too many and she knew she would be overwhelmed soon so she just wrapped the cloak tightly around herself disappearing, yet now the Catachans had reached the Leman Russ battletank, they were throwing out the orks, and one by one the guns blazed back to life of the injured giant.

The heavy bolters cut a bloody swathe through the orks caught in the open. The lascannon infront of the tank vaporized anything that looked menacing, and the battle-cannon simply roared to life as the orks were forced to take cover, which in turn meant Michelle came leaping in with blade and laspistol. The orks tried as best they could to take her out but their rounds tended to hit eachother instead of Ionza as she dodged and ducked away from their shots, more akin to the skills of the Death Cult Assassins than anything else.

Yet the primary target was still up and running, he fetched everything he could find, including other orks the Mekboy fired at Ionza again and again missing by scant centimeters while she closed in at high speed. One ork even tossed a grenade at her, then came charging in at her confidently screaming. "Waaaaagh!!" That expression was quite changed when Ionza kicked the grenade back into his mouth and he swallowed it as he dropped his weapons with hands going for the head. Ionza was in the midst of the orks disemboweling, beheading and dismembering as she moved forward, but closely behind her a very protective squad of Catachan veterans moved in for the kill massacring the orks with their back turned with ease but not without danger as at least one member was hit by orkish bolt-shells and promptly exploded.

Thomas Smith the disgraced was instrumental in rallying the platoon of Evans after Evans caught a bolt-shell to his forehead, head pulverized. The platoon was wavering, two guys tried to run. Smith gunned them both down for their cowardice. Then he roared. "You have seen that little bitch fight, are you men or ****s?!" As he swept forward with his laspistol and powered sword he broke through the weapon of an ork boss that were winning against one of the sergeants that had toppled his rule of this platoon. The sergeant a man in his mid-forties closed his eyes expecting Smith to kill him next. "Stop acting like I would kill you, I don like you sergeant, but you won't die by my hand. Now go frakking take the ork the commissar is after, this is our glory, not her's!" He led his roaring men forward as the attack on the Mekboy became a two-pronged one.

Ionza would later think the two-pronged attack was a bad idea, but it saved her life as she and the other Catachans were about to be overrun by the orks and the Leman Russ battletank had to hold fire to avoid hitting friendlies and instead concentrated on driving back the orks on the other side, while the three other Catachans covering behind it took out stragglers with the help of the Deathworld sniper.

Ionza finally got to grip with the ork Mekboy after he fired yet another Snotling at her that missed her, but it didn't miss completly, as the ruthless Smith sensing it coming dragged the helpless Eaves infront of him, making the Snotling hit him instead and didn't even care that he was devoured from the inside by the frantic Snotling. Though he was a tiny bit impressed when Ionza narrowly dodged the Shokk Attakk Gun then the Mekboy threw it at her. Then the Mekboy grabbed the last ork who tried to flee near him, and lunged at Ionza smashing it against a Freudakian hardwood. That gave Ionza the opportunity to make a strike herself at the exposed right leg of the creature. It his, she severed the leg.

Now the rest was simple for Ionza who quickly dispatched of the arms and legs of the flailing creature. She finally stood over him wiping off the sweat from her forehead with the sleeve of her jacket. Then Smith came at him. "You shall die!!" He screamed at the ork. "Noooo! Don't kill him!" She parried the blow, the powered rapier came dangerously close to her due to she forcing herself between the much stronger man and the ork. "Why not commissar?" She grunted as she managed to push him away a little. "Because the Inquisition wants to interrogate an ork leader." Smith relented.

"Hope you are happy with your victory commissar, I certainly ain't." She looked around at the bodies of orks but also at the bodies of the fallen Catachans, of the squad that had followed her only two battle-shocked and wounded men were alive. She had to shoot one twice in his legs to stop the bleeding, he died an hour later of the shock. She then were on the way to the Leman Russ, she stopped as she saw Patrick Eaves the promising youngblood. He was devoured from the inside. She reloaded her bolter. "I'm sorry I won't get to learn you to read private Patrick Eaves." With a loud bang she pulled the trigger despite he trying and failing to speak and warn her about Thomas Smith.

Going into the tank she saw why the tank had been so inactive of the several members that had entered it only one remained alive he had his left arm blown away. Ionza gave him the Emperor's peace the next day when he caught gangrene as a mercy-killing.

They didn't even have the power to sabotage the Leman Russ or bury the bodies. Instead the few remaining Catachans and Ionza shambled through the jungle being chased by orks, losing even more people as they had run-ins with a pair of Shadow-Tigers which they left to their fate and just retreated from as the shadowy beasts ripped them apart.

Eventually they reached the military base. They met one of the deep jungle-patrols, headed by none other than Carrus. He ran towards Ionza as he saw her, as he reached her she passed out in his arm. Carrus immediately went for master-voxer, and made a vox-cast. "Commissar Zachary Carrus here, callsign: Forager. Foung missing personell in sction Beta-Delta-Bravo, requests immediate medivac now. Over and out." Still Smith came lurking as he was basically dragging the smelly but still living body of Brumby.

"Commissar Zachary Carrus, sir, captain Thomas Smith reporting in." He made a stiff military salute but made sure he didn't drop Brumby as he saluted. "Might I suggest a change change to the orders commissar?" Carrus gave a smirk where he stood carrying Ionza with one hand the other holding the master-vox. "Northeast of here there is a Leman Russ battletank that fell into the ork-hands. Carrus made a new vox-call still requesting the medivac, but as he did McLandi and her snipers having heard the message came out of the forest. She ran straight form Brumby.

"Tarik, are you okay?" She cradled him in her arms. He woke up a little and whispered to her. "I had always loved you Latiffa." With that his words trailed off, his will to live was spent, he died in the arms of the woman he always loved yet never could have. Tears trailed down the cheeks of McLandi, most of the Storm Troopers were shocked over that the stern and strick Drill-Abbess showed emotion. Carrus however had more initiative. "Anyone mentioning this will be re-commissioned as an officer of the Skitarii." Smith noticed the scared impressions of the Storm-Troopers around him, making a mental not of not mentioning this ever again since he sensed the pull the young man had with the AdMech already then.

Beaviz81 wrote:Ehm they ain't, they are trying to help, but you get the negative POV I take. I mean you take a guy who thinks a Catachan firing a heavy bolter seriously is an Ogryn, that a POV. Grab the concept of POV, they are simple. And for the second, I don't think you would like anyone treating your friend missing a leg pleasantly. Plase use common sense. Plus the Catachans are skeptical to commissars, that's established in fluff.

And if the explanation doesn't do it, just stop commenting because you seem as Perk thought just to be derping, and I think so as well, infact I rely on his POV with regards to your comments, as my own is unreliable.

- yes, I understand the concept of point-of-view writing, but nothing you addressed earlier related to points of view.
- if my friend was missing leg, and someone was treating him pleasantly, why wouldn't I like it?
- All imperial guardsmen are wary of commissars, what with a commissar's job being to shoot 'em if they misbehave, but wariness and mistrust is one thing, and making several attempts to kill one you don't know is another.
- Perkustin has done nothing to actually try to contribute to your writing, whereas I have at least attempted to help you, and the only thing I get is you ignoring 90% of my questions and points, and both of you calling me unhelpful. You can't rely on a point of view as vague as that for your writing, at least I'm giving specifics.

If you're not going to even dignify most of my analyses with an answer, and what answers you have are almost incoherent, instead electing to shun my response in favour of one which does nothing whatsoever to help your story, then it's not worth my time.

Can I get the last sentence you wrote in writing?

The Valkyries arrived within minutes to save the soldiers that had spent over a week injured in the bush fleeing from the orks and other dangers in the Freudakian jungle. They were given shots of syringes to calm them down from the nightmares they had just by the Freudakian soldiers each carrying his or her own batch of syringes and being perfectly able to give medical care. Carrus did so with Ionza, Smith got a pair of girls treating him. Then the Valkyrie landed, Smith was seated next to Carrus who let the care of Ionza be carried out by the professional medics accompanying each Valkyrie at Freudakia.

"Why did commissar Ionza demote you captain?" Carrus said with a dangerously low tone. Before he whipped out a monofilament knife from the sleeve of his jacket, he immediately put it to the throat of Smith. "You are a brave man captain Smith, you didn't even blink when I put the knife to your throat." Smith merely looked tired into the eyes of the commissar 20 years his junior. "I had an inkling you would do that to test my resolve." His glare met Carrus' eyes as he removed the red bandana from his head. "Tell you fiance she has passed the test of Catachan womanhood, he handed his bandana to the very surprised commissar. "This is for Spider-Charger, I meant commi-" Carrus immediate interrupted. "I know what the honor means when a Catachans officer hand you his or her bandana, as I have been personally trained in jungle-warfare by one of your best, Drill-Abbess Latiffa McLandi." He then continued the long talk. "Why do you name her Spider-Charger, did she grab an Acid-Spider and charge a tank of ork dreadnaught?"

Smith then answered. "Yes she did, she picked up an Acid-Spitter, tossed it into the air a few times, then she kicked it into the Leman Russ battletank through a hole just behind a sponsor of the left side of the tank." Carrus relented his hold of Smith. "Go on what happened next?" "We followed, but we were badly led as she had me demoted and had a yes-man in my stead, but my demotion is my fault, I was rude to her and a Deathworld sniper so I'm just glad she spared my life." He saw how Carrus' eyes darkened as he told the tale. "I hope you won't execute me for this tale commissar." Smith finally coffed out. "That's not my MO, I have yet to actually execute anyone." Carrus responded, yet Smith didn't feel any relief by that statement.

Ionza woke up from her stretcher. Her eyes were hazy from the drugs that had just been pumped into her. "Commissar Carrus doesn't kill people *she giggled* he merely kicks them so hard that their jaw take a hike and condemns them to become Skitarii." She murmured as Carrus removed his armoured gauntlets and one hand going into the jacket-pocket. Out it came with a syringe, he exchange a glance with a medic who gave him a nod before he injected the injured commissar with a syringe to the neck sedating her once more.

"She is referring to the one time I caught a cook at the Schola skimping in his duty of feeding the young. I basically went up to him and yelled at him, and he said no. Then I gave him a roundhouse kick that sent his jaws and teeth flying." Smith looked horrified at Carrus. "That's terrible." He merely stated. "It is?" Carrus looked surprised on him. "Yeah not feeding children is a punishable offense in my mind. I hope you executed him." Smith said just glaring into the eyes of the commissar. "I have never executed anyone, instead I decide when their service to the Emperor is at an end and when their service of the Ommnisiah is beginning." The sentiment of Carrus made it run like ice-water had been poured down the back of Smith as he noticed that unlike the other commissars the grinning face of Adeptus Mechanicus were darkly put in place where the skull or aquila used to be.

"You are a servant of the Ommnisiah?" He glanced at the commissar-cap of Carrus. "Yes and no. I'm a member of the Techiarchy at this planet with commissar Ionza as my deputy when I'm not available, but I lack the ear for the finest music of them all the sound of the Machine Spirit, which is why I will never be and never can become a Tech Priest." He closed his eyes thinking of how sweet the music of the Machine Spirit ought to be. "But that's just as well, lest I would risk having a sudden urge to replace my holy human body with that of the machine." He carried on. "The Techiach is a hereditary position I have gotten from my home-world Ciralix, an ugly industrial world were people pray, dance for the Emperor and doesn't even have gladiatorial combat to appease me." Smith looked as if Carrus were joking. "Dancing for the Emperor, doesn't sound like much fun commissar." Smith scratched his jaw in an amused fashion. "No and me drinking wine to pass the time during one such eight hour session and then falling asleep and snoring loudly was apparently a major scandal." Smith only smirked. "I bet drinking ain't allowed there." Carrus just yawned. "Nope it's an offense punishable by death. Which is why I can't ever rule that place even as I'm the only surviving child of the previous Planetary Governor the blessed Arturus Carrus as the public would basically rise up in rebellion if the prohibition is lifted. So I let my regent Zachary Carrus the 89th rule in my place as I only sat on the throne for eight days. He is my uncle."

The aircraft were approaching the Maritova military-base Smith saw large numbers of tank rolling out into the jungle. Leading them were Leman Russ Demolishers, behind them came Hellhounds and Rhinos with men riding atop of them with sandbags as cover. What surprised Smith the most was seeing Tech-Priests and commissars amongst the members sitting there with the men and women there being amongst the people keeping watch. "They should were body-armour." Carrus called out tersely as they saw the many men and women sitting atop of the Rhinos making an effort to sunbathe even as the tanks slithered into the jungle. The returning tanks looked different. Men and women were still sitting atop of the Rhinos, but many of the tanks were towed and each showed having been hit with all sorts of weaponry in the arsenals of Ogryns and orks.

"I don't know commissar, armour has always slowed me down and is damn in the way at long-term missions." Smith answered back. Yeah you have a point captain, and I have always let people choose if they want to wear armour or not though I recommend it of course." Carrus mentioned in a consenting way. "Oh ain't they beautiful?" Carrus pointed at the skies as Maurader bombers and Lightning fighters flew in formations. "Ciralixian produce the finest aircraft and tanks in the whole galaxy." Carrus said with pride. Smith just replied with a smirk. "So you are done bashing Ciralix now commissar?" Carrus merely laughed as the Valkyrie landed.

They went off with Ionza rapidly being carried off. Carrus glanced over at McLandi and the bodybag containing Brumby coming off another Valkyrie. He knew she was sad, though nobody else could really tell. "Commissar Carrus." He heard the voice of Smith which snapped him out of his chain of thoughts. "Yes-" He didn't come further as he saw the Catachans being all mustered at the airport standing there in formation. Carrus then whispered to Smith. "I didn't know Catachans could be mustered in formation." Smith hissed back. "Me neither commissar." McLandi joined them. "I'm as surprised as you two are, captain and commissar." They both saluted her who saluted back.

The trio went along the lines of the Catachans, they were clad to enter the jungle and fight. They looked at Carrus, to his surprise they weren't looking at him with the cold hatred he expected, instead more along the lines that a great Imperial hero was gazing at them. Eventually they reached the center of the gathered Catachans. Kelkaris the Iqnuisitor stood on the right of Stremm now just in a simple black robe not at all displaying him being an Inquisitor, especially with a gigantic golden Inquisitor-inscription on it. At the left of Stremm were a mountain of a man, with shoulder-long black hair, brown merciless piercing eyes, looked at the three approaching officers of the Imperial Guard. He was almost reminiscent of the Emperor himself standing there with the dull black commissar-uniform on, blackened epaulets like Carrus and Ionza, the furry coat on his made him partially invisible, He was the dreaded Lord-Commissar Nathan Harken. Head of the Commissariat of Freudakia. He glanced into the Eyes of Carrus who strode right up to him giving him a stiff salute.

He saluted back, and also saluted the two captains following Carrus. "Why are the Catachans gathered sir?" Carrus spoke first. "Simple you have been assigned to them commissar." Harken expected Carrus to protest, but instead was taken totally by surprise. "That would be an honor sir, I assume commissar Ionza will be with me on this assignment Lord-Commissar." Both Harken and Kelkaris looked at Carrus with stunned surprise, as Carrus got up to Stremm he said. "Thank you colonel for saving my life." He made a deft salute at him, which much to his surprise handed him his red bandana, to the cheer of his troops with the words. "No commissar me and my men is the one thanking you, as you saved the life of everyone under my command by going up against those orks." Even the Inquisitor were surprised by the roar of the Catachans as Carrus removed his cap, giving it to Smith and let McLandi tie it to his head. They heard the words "Spider-Tosser!" being shouted. Carrus merely pried McLandi. "I assume they are referring to me throwing that spider at that large ork captain?" She answered rapidly. "That's no small honor for an off-worlder to get his own name from the Catachans means you have passed their passage of manhood and receiving the bandana of the CO is virtually unheard of commissar you should indeed be proud." He watched the cheering Catachans, before he shouted. "Silence!!" The Catachans fell silent. "I know you laid much skill in the name Spider-Tosser, but lets toss out the tosser-part and throw in the throw part, so it's now Spider-thrower, as I throw spiders at my enemies in order to defeat them, just as my beloved charges tanks with spiders! So it's now frakking....." He waited and then it came roaring back to him. "Spider-Thrower!" He rinced and repeated that a few time establishing himself as a first-class rabble-rouser.

As the cheers fell silent Carrus addressed Harken. "Lord-Commissar permission to take the Catachans to the armory and show them what they have been missing?" Harken immediately answered. "Permission granted, but you are dismissed, go see commissar Ionza, captain Smith will handle arming the scouts as he is your new CO, McLandi you will handle arming the snipers and selecting them." Carrus just ran towards the hospital hell-bent on seeing his beloved again, while the troopers filed over to the armoury where a grotesque-looking Skitarii with twin-heavy bolters unlocked it for them, opening the gate of the huge building. Harken headed over and hit the flick. The lighting-rods in the ceiling of the huge building came on one row at a time, showing an impressive stockpile of hot-shot lasguns, heavy flamers, longlases, boltguns, bolt pistols and meltagun. He turned to the men brawling out with his deep thundering voice. "See that Catachans, that's why you have commissars, it's because they can contact the Munitorum and get you all the good stuff you need to win wars." Stremm then asked. "Where are the heavy weapons, I have a few heavy weapon teams." Harken immediately answered. "The heavy weapons we here attach to the Skitarii, and did you really think being in the forces of Inquisitor Kelkaris mean you are anything but the swift-footed jungle-infantry that will strike in deep with Valkyries and be air-lifted to every operation?" Stremm swallowed and shut up. Then came Freudakian grenadiers filing by, and soon the Catachans went from an undersupplied unit to a unit bristling with close-range fire-support with meltaguns and heavy flamers being the weapons of choice for the special weapon-teams. Even Smith got himself a meltagun, mostly as he wanted to appear as loyal as possible to his new commissar.

 shrike wrote:

Beaviz81 wrote:"Are you okay soldier?" She cried out
she thinks he's a bomber, and she's an imperial commissar. Why would she cry out to him?
I dunno, maybe she's not the typical commissar?
while getting close enough to touch the man as the Chimera screeched to a halt
I thought it already stopped? "The Chimera slid to a rapid holt".
the error here is that Beaviz has used 'to a halt' twice, of course you wouldn't pick up on that being unhelpful. Sliding is still moving in my book. Also the description of the commissar bailing out suggests a vehicle still moving, possibly at a fair speed
hitting a Freudakian pine
I'd have thought the Chimera would just stop straight, rather than veering off-road.
It's a tank, i guess you'd have to have a passing knowledge of tanks or friction to realise that if a tank or any ground vehicle's sliding on mud it's probably not gonna stay arrow straight
who showered it with heavy Freudakian pine-cones denting the top of of it.
Pine cones (albeit heavy ones) denting a chimera's armour? I doubt a coconut could scratch the paint off one.
Freudakia is deathworld. The pinecones could be made of acid coated titanium. Have you ever seen the damage golf ball size hail stones can do? Also Armour isn't necessarily hard, tank armour is usually quite the opposite
She looked tersely at the wounded man, finally noticing the missing leg, blasted off right under the knee. He also had a few stab-wounds as well.
She managed to miss the fact that his leg was missing and he had "a few stab wounds"?
Perfectly possible, also it says 'managed' suggesting that it was indeed obvious but somehow she missed it

"We don't have room for both of you inside the Chimera commissar, so maybe we should-" He stopped abruptly as he felt the harsh stare of the small woman in his eyes.
Considering a Chimera can seat 12 men relatively comfortably, I'd have thought one man can lie in the floor space?
At no point is it specified how many men/supplies are in the chimera. Also you've got to add tension somehow. Also what better way to show the Commissar as someone we should root for
"Should what soldier? Leave the brave wounded behind? No sir, I will walk and he will get medical treatment."
She'd just interrogated the dude because she suspected he was a suicide bomber, now she's giving a man who will pobably die soon her seat, despite a serious threat to her life? Commissars are typically cold and calculating, constantly working for the greater good.
As we've already established this is no ordinary commissar, she cares etc. She didn't interrogate him, she merely made sure. She's compassionate but she's no fool.
She rapidly restocked inside the Chimera. Even planted a kiss on the mouth of her comatose lover as she left the Chimera while the wounded Catachan was tugged in there as the medic frantically worked on the limp body. Ionza left it with a glum smile at her face as she saw the Chimera roar off. Not before she had seen it speed off she felt a presence behind her in the bush. She immediately spun around going onto one knee, she took immediate aim. Just to see a Catachan. Soon more Catachan emerged, lasguns trained on her. Leading them was a huge scarred fair-skinned fellow, a powered sword was drawn. It was placed the throat of Ionza.
again, why do the Catachans want to kill them?
Perhaps it will be explained? Have patience.

one knife at the balls of the Catachan the other at his throat.
I'm not sure I want to know why she'd bother with that first knife...
This one is just sooo typical of your criticism thus far. This is actually one of the best lines. Just a waste of your fancy cyan writing.
"Here at Freudakia we respect our elders, especially when said elders are Deathworld Snipers!"
Why specify she's a deathworld sniper? She's on a deathworld. I'd think it would already be assumed. And how old is this captain? I thought Ionza was quite young?
I would direct you to the OOP Codex:Catachans, Elites section, unit entry; 'Deathworld Snipers'. Get your fluff right before you go in guns blazing.
Ionza snarled out the words, her eyes displayed an odd fiery rage rarely seen in her.
She's a commissar, I'd have thought fiery rage would be bog-standard.
she's been described as a fairly non-typical commissar thus far.
"It is indeed, only four people have ever bested them as far as I know."
I'd have thought more than four people ever would have killed a tiger, just saying.
It's a 'shadow tiger' who knows how hard they are.

"I understand you are hesitant to come with me, you have the choice of not coming with me, you might even reach Panarix far on the northern side of this continent, but then you must pass through the kingdoms of blood Ogryns which crave human flesh and various cults that sacrifices and nevermind orks, millions of orks."
She knew the speech was good enough to convince them to come with her as she began to walk.
Where did this proposition to follow her come from? And why would she want them to follow her, she'd just been about to be killed by them. And that was hardly an inspiring speech, more just a statement.
It's called 'gauging the room' a crowd is putty in a skilled speaker's hands

"Want to see what damage a political officer can do? Here it comes. You captain Thomas Smith is no longer in charge of this outfit."
Commissars operate outside chain of command, allowing them to question an officer's orders and dispense disciplinary action, but they have no power to demote them- that responsibility rests with their commanding officer.
'citation needed' they operate outside the traditional chain of command, i don't see why they couldn't or haven't demoted people in the past. Ibrahm Gaunt's probably done it many times
She handed Evans her bolt pistol, and began to walk. "Ma'am." She turned looking at the Catachan standing there with his large sausage-fingers and hands far to large for such an elegant weapon. "Right, a pistol custom-made for a lady fits badly in the hands of a bulky warrior."
Bolt pistols are massive. They basically fire grenades. I don't care if it's customised, a bolt pistol can never be described as "elegant". Also, I'd hardly call her a lady.
A space marine's bolt pistol is not all bolt pistols, statements like 'a bolt pistol can never be described as elegant' just show how badly you're scraping the barrel. What if a jokaero weaponsmith had made the bolter? What if the bolter was a Magos' masterwork? What if it was a relic from a bygone age. Etc etc

@Beaviz i am afraid listing all the grammar errors +corrections takes a long time ~ a couple hours usually, as i hope you'll agree that's a bit much. It's alot quicker if you just give it another few proof-reads. Also you've gotta learn somehow

I know I said I wouldn't post here again, but I thought I'd clear some things up with the following:

Perkustin wrote:

 shrike wrote:

Beaviz81 wrote:
hitting a Freudakian pine
I'd have thought the Chimera would just stop straight, rather than veering off-road.
It's a tank, i guess you'd have to have a passing knowledge of tanks or friction to realise that if a tank or any ground vehicle's sliding on mud it's probably not gonna stay arrow straight
This tank is moving through jungle, so I'd say it's safe to assume it isn't going full-throttle. I'd have thought a tank wouldn't travel through mud at enough speed to make it veer and slide when it needs to stop.

who showered it with heavy Freudakian pine-cones denting the top of of it.
Pine cones (albeit heavy ones) denting a chimera's armour? I doubt a coconut could scratch the paint off one.
Freudakia is deathworld. The pinecones could be made of acid coated titanium. Have you ever seen the damage golf ball size hail stones can do? Also Armour isn't necessarily hard, tank armour is usually quite the opposite
I think it's safe to assume they wouldn't be any heavier than, say, stone. In which case, it wouldn't dent a Chimera. And the difference between a hailstone and a pine cone is that a hailstone would falling from the clouds, pine cones would be falling off of trees.
"Armour isn't necessarily hard"? It's a Chimera, of course its armour is hard.

She looked tersely at the wounded man, finally noticing the missing leg, blasted off right under the knee. He also had a few stab-wounds as well.
She managed to miss the fact that his leg was missing and he had "a few stab wounds"?
Perfectly possible, also it says 'managed' suggesting that it was indeed obvious but somehow she missed it
I'd have thought a commissar looking over a man for signs of a bomb on a man would notice a missing leg.

"We don't have room for both of you inside the Chimera commissar, so maybe we should-" He stopped abruptly as he felt the harsh stare of the small woman in his eyes.
Considering a Chimera can seat 12 men relatively comfortably, I'd have thought one man can lie in the floor space?
At no point is it specified how many men/supplies are in the chimera. Also you've got to add tension somehow. Also what better way to show the Commissar as someone we should root for
fair point.

"Should what soldier? Leave the brave wounded behind? No sir, I will walk and he will get medical treatment."
She'd just interrogated the dude because she suspected he was a suicide bomber, now she's giving a man who will pobably die soon her seat, despite a serious threat to her life? Commissars are typically cold and calculating, constantly working for the greater good.
As we've already established this is no ordinary commissar, she cares etc. She didn't interrogate him, she merely made sure. She's compassionate but she's no fool.
I'll give her and/or beaviz the benefit of the doubt.

She rapidly restocked inside the Chimera. Even planted a kiss on the mouth of her comatose lover as she left the Chimera while the wounded Catachan was tugged in there as the medic frantically worked on the limp body. Ionza left it with a glum smile at her face as she saw the Chimera roar off. Not before she had seen it speed off she felt a presence behind her in the bush. She immediately spun around going onto one knee, she took immediate aim. Just to see a Catachan. Soon more Catachan emerged, lasguns trained on her. Leading them was a huge scarred fair-skinned fellow, a powered sword was drawn. It was placed the throat of Ionza.
again, why do the Catachans want to kill them?
Perhaps it will be explained? Have patience.
The entire story revolves around the Catachans wanting to kill them, which hasn't been explained at all, in even the smallest amount. It should be at least mentioned.

one knife at the balls of the Catachan the other at his throat.
I'm not sure I want to know why she'd bother with that first knife...
This one is just sooo typical of your criticism thus far. This is actually one of the best lines. Just a waste of your fancy cyan writing.
That wasn't a criticism, just a comment. Also, I use "fancy" cyan writing because it's easy to pick out and doesn't require me spending ages individually quoting everything.

"Here at Freudakia we respect our elders, especially when said elders are Deathworld Snipers!"
Why specify she's a deathworld sniper? She's on a deathworld. I'd think it would already be assumed. And how old is this captain? I thought Ionza was quite young?
I would direct you to the OOP Codex:Catachans, Elites section, unit entry; 'Deathworld Snipers'. Get your fluff right before you go in guns blazing.
I apologise that I don't own every single bit of out of production source material for a specific army in the imperial guard, forgive me.

Ionza snarled out the words, her eyes displayed an odd fiery rage rarely seen in her.
She's a commissar, I'd have thought fiery rage would be bog-standard.
she's been described as a fairly non-typical commissar thus far.
Again, benefit of the doubt.

"It is indeed, only four people have ever bested them as far as I know."
I'd have thought more than four people ever would have killed a tiger, just saying.
It's a 'shadow tiger' who knows how hard they are.
point, but the wording could be better- "I've only ever known four people to best one"

"I understand you are hesitant to come with me, you have the choice of not coming with me, you might even reach Panarix far on the northern side of this continent, but then you must pass through the kingdoms of blood Ogryns which crave human flesh and various cults that sacrifices and nevermind orks, millions of orks."
She knew the speech was good enough to convince them to come with her as she began to walk.
Where did this proposition to follow her come from? And why would she want them to follow her, she'd just been about to be killed by them. And that was hardly an inspiring speech, more just a statement.
It's called 'gauging the room' a crowd is putty in a skilled speaker's hands
Yes, a skilled speaker can manipulate a crowd, but not with one sentence.

"Want to see what damage a political officer can do? Here it comes. You captain Thomas Smith is no longer in charge of this outfit."
Commissars operate outside chain of command, allowing them to question an officer's orders and dispense disciplinary action, but they have no power to demote them- that responsibility rests with their commanding officer.
'citation needed' they operate outside the traditional chain of command, i don't see why they couldn't or haven't demoted people in the past. Ibrahm Gaunt's probably done it many times
They can't demote officers because it is not within their power or right to do so- the most they can do is try and convince the people who can to do it.
And a Colonel-Commissar can because he's in the chain of command. Regular commissars aren't.

She handed Evans her bolt pistol, and began to walk. "Ma'am." She turned looking at the Catachan standing there with his large sausage-fingers and hands far to large for such an elegant weapon. "Right, a pistol custom-made for a lady fits badly in the hands of a bulky warrior."
Bolt pistols are massive. They basically fire grenades. I don't care if it's customised, a bolt pistol can never be described as "elegant". Also, I'd hardly call her a lady.
A space marine's bolt pistol is not all bolt pistols, statements like 'a bolt pistol can never be described as elegant' just show how badly you're scraping the barrel. What if a jokaero weaponsmith had made the bolter? What if the bolter was a Magos' masterwork? What if it was a relic from a bygone age. Etc etc
"They basically fire grenades". Imperial guard bolt pistols are also massive. To downscale a bolt pistol and its round to be classed as "elegant", it'd no longer be a bolt pistol, more a regular solid shot pistol with a tiny explosive inside, not enough to blow an ork's torso apart.

Mind you shrike, a tank sliding to a halt ain't stopping yet, As for the pines, well heavy things hitting the least armoured area of the tank is a bad thingy, and shows how heavy the pine-cones truly are.

Ionza have been taught by her Catachan mentor that Catachans are commissar-murdering nutcases, so why would she approach the guy like he wasn't a mine? Many commissars would have just put him out of misery due the the rep of the Catachans. And also she knew her audience when she delivered her speak, infact she choose a good spot when to disarm the brute when she blew her fuse over the disrespect shown to the Deathworld sniper as she knew anything else would get her killed. It's about picking your frakking fights and that she did well.

Also she offered up the consequences if they chose to desert, if you took off your negative glasses you would see that shrike, and she offered that following her was the only good route which I think she did well.

Also the sausage-finger-thingy was about the handle of the weapon, as Ionza is a pretty small woman, and a Catachan male couldn't fit his hand at her handle because of the handle being constructed for her. She has a small hand, he is twice her size and can't build a sandcastle. Maybe I should have told not shown there. To clarify you managed to make a ridiculous and totally pointless argument because she states it's the weapon of a lady, and again she has a burning wish to not be shot in the back, which is all about the handle of it as Amberley Veil is cited to have a custom-made bolter and if anything they might be huge and such but this is about the handles, and again this is a commissar desperate to avoid a bullet in her back as Perk has pressed home she is far from the run of the mill commissar.

Commissars are political officers, so in my interpretation they are responsible for promotions and such. You are welcome to say they ain't in your interpretation of fluff but basically when you are the author of fluff you can decide what the powers of the commissariat is.

For me it is the promotion of the men, discipline and ordering the things, and Ciaphas Cain is an excellent proof of that as I regard him as better representative of the commissariat than Gaunt due to him not stepping out of his duties. And he basically tells that a commissar being outside the chain of command means he could throw his or her weight around, which Ionza does to a very dark and threatening guy, but she shows she fails to regard anyone but Deathworld snipers in the process, which ain't good as she is a commissar because she ain't a tactical genius. That's again is my interpretation about them, they are brave but lack tactical sense. Again that's my interpretation about commissars, they are brave, yet painfully aware they ain't great leaders.

There's really no point in trying to reason with you because neither of us will get anywhere, but one thing annoyed me:

Beaviz81 wrote:Commissars are political officers, so in my interpretation they are responsible for promotions and such.

The power of the commissariat isn't open to interpretation. They are responsible for keeping check on commanding officers, making sure the men run in the right direction (through inspiration or fear) and providing discipline and punishment to the above when needed. They do not, however, have any power when it comes to the promotion or demotion of men other than putting in a word for them. The ability to alter ranks is down to the commanding officer alone. There is no interpretation of that, it's just how it is. It's like me saying a techpriest can deliver summary executions to footsloggers because I interpret that that is what they are allowed to do.

Commissars are morale and political officers.
They enforce total loyalty to the Imperium and so are only loyal to the Imperium. They are also there to raise morale as a representative of the Emperor.
They are however outside the chain of command and unable to demote someone... They could simply remove them from command or shoot them though. That said a commissar that isn't a good leader would only really inspire through terror.
Also Shrike you are looking at this so incredibly critically you are biased. Chill.

 shrike wrote:
There's really no point in trying to reason with you because neither of us will get anywhere, but one thing annoyed me:

Beaviz81 wrote:Commissars are political officers, so in my interpretation they are responsible for promotions and such.

The power of the commissariat isn't open to interpretation. They are responsible for keeping check on commanding officers, making sure the men run in the right direction (through inspiration or fear) and providing discipline and punishment to the above when needed. They do not, however, have any power when it comes to the promotion or demotion of men other than putting in a word for them. The ability to alter ranks is down to the commanding officer alone. There is no interpretation of that, it's just how it is. It's like me saying a techpriest can deliver summary executions to footsloggers because I interpret that that is what they are allowed to do.

Agreed, listen to those who have a reasonable head on their shoulders. Your brand of less than sensible take of 40k makes for rather dull and bland reading. Also for heavens sake keep within what is established 40k lore will you!

Beavisz - much as you don't like it, people like Shrike are deadset invaluable to a good piece of fanfic. Sometimes, as ambitious young writers, we can CS Goto the gak out of some of our pieces in our excitement to get a cool story across. A bloke called Atma provides the same sort of feedback to me for my stuff in the Old Orpheus Salient - Atma has a rather sarcastic and caustic method of pointing out my mistakes, but I've grown to love it.

Shrike - if you're ever keen to feed back on my stuff I'd love to hear your opinions.

"gak" gets changed to Gak? gak!

I'm going to have to agree with Shrike on this as well. As much as you can create your own perspective and take in your own personal fiction when you write it out for others in an established setting it has to make sense and typically be in parallel with said setting at a reasonable level. Shrike and many others are simply providing you a series of constructive criticisms for your writing especially when it comes to being accurate in maintaining the established setting's fluff in your story pertaining to what a Commissar's role really is.

It's really to better your writing as a whole and to simply ignore because you want to stick to your interpretation is silly simply because then you won't improve and shows that you're posting simply to get praise heaped upon you.

Right I must listen to derpers without politeness in what happens with my fluff. It's my frakking fluff, I listen for tips and winks to make my stuff better but in the broad term it's how it is, up to the author to interpret fluff he or she will do things you won't agree with. Like f.ex. in my case look outside the commissars for a reason they exist except the obvious thingy about morale.

Hell I'm the example of the author that write and takes advice but still thinks of himself of the king in regards to his own fluff, and I'm fully aware of when I crosses the line between fluff and speculation. The whole Carrus-story is a crossing between what's acceptable and not, I just belive in playing favorites can do that to you. Heck I even gave the Imperial Guard Rhinos and provided Tech-Priests that was happy to ride on them with sandbags.

Heed the advice you can lead a horse to the drinking-water but you sure as hell can't make it drink it. Show some politeness and praise like Perk if you want to be heard.

So people have to praise you in order for you to listen to their advice? Politeness is important but sometimes things must be said if you want to help someone but there is a difference between being outright rude and not sparing someone's feelings.

You should always listen to what people have to say, even if you don't like it. Not doing so simply means you are a poor author, no one ever writes amazing stuff on their first try. Even the best authors go through several drafts of their work before something is published. The idea that you can't post anything that you disagree with is a horrible attitude.

If you just want to write for the hell of it why do you bother posting it here? or anywhere for that matter?

Having a non-biased feedback such as Shrike's (at least until you started becoming super-defensive) is critical for peer review as they are the people most likely to tell what you need to fix most in your work. Having only people like Perk will result at most some meagre changes that prevents allowing you to write and create a story at its full potential. Otherwise you're just acting like all the typical dictators in terms of thinking where you place "yes men" in all the top advisor positions so you never have to feel questioned or out of your comfort zone of authority. Sorry man but you're going to have to suck it up if you want to improve (which it's starting to really seem you don't want to) or deal with more negative feedback. After all everything can use some measure of improvement, especially early drafts for ideas.

Grimskul wrote:Otherwise you're just acting like all the typical dictators in terms of thinking where you place "yes men" in all the top advisor positions so you never have to feel questioned or out of your comfort zone of authority.

That's not what typical dictators do, that's what poor dictators do. Good dictators, though they won't let the public question them, will let advisors. That's the whole fething point of having advisors. Not all dictators are as stupid as Hitler, ignoring their own men and starting campaigns they can't afford.

 LoneLictor wrote:

Grimskul wrote:Otherwise you're just acting like all the typical dictators in terms of thinking where you place "yes men" in all the top advisor positions so you never have to feel questioned or out of your comfort zone of authority.

That's not what typical dictators do, that's what poor dictators do. Good dictators, though they won't let the public question them, will let advisors. That's the whole fething point of having advisors. Not all dictators are as stupid as Hitler, ignoring their own men and starting campaigns they can't afford.

Well some of the more famous incompetent dictators then like Hitler. Either way the point is the same, ignoring advice simply because you don't like it or it bruises your ego does not legitimize oneself as being above criticism. Though even on the advisor front they are given to being yes men due to talking out of line often leading to many being shot or killed for being too clever for their own good, at least in the sense of totalitarian regimes.

I'd be pretty psyched if my work got detailed and frank criticism for free.

But I can understand the urge to get a little defensive of your creations.