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i was thinking i dont want like a branch off the emperors children so i made my own faction. please gimme any feed back

The Disciplines of Ecstasy

The Disciplines of Ecstasy were originally the 2nd company of the Torches of the Emperor, led by Company Master Lohorien Makreg. The Torches of the Emperor were prestigious in the eastern flanks of space. Chapter Master Roberr MacKuriem’s chapter was a splinter group of the Ultramarines and was created to combat a growing Chaos spread just outside Ultramarines controlled space. The Torches of the Emperor were taught about the temptations of Chaos and the whispers that enter your mind when they are near and how to fight such urges. But the Torches were nonetheless susceptible to Chaos’ touch. Lohorien Makreg was a brilliant tactician and a powerful physical warrior. Because of these traits, Company Master Makreg was assigned to reclaim the world Ophelia III, which had fallen to Chaos. The campaign started, and Makreg decided that a quick decisive blow to the head of the operation would kill the body. Upon arrival to Ophelia III, Makreg wasted no time. He deployed the brunt of his force to assault the headquarters of the Chaos Sorcerer who was reported as leading the Chaos forces, while drop podding his best Terminators directly into the heart of the encampment. The attack succeeded at first, but the assaults left flank fell, and Makreg was forced to pull back. While only a few squads of Terminators survived, Makreg would not be daunted. Lohorien Makreg had something to prove, to both his chapter and a powerful Inquisition figure, who had taken an instant dislike to Makreg. Makreg would succeed, or die in the attempt. Makreg decided to cut off supplies to the Chaos Sorcerer, and then removing him once he was crippled. Makreg moved his force to the area north of the Sorcerer and took out the first of four supply institutions without much resistance. However, at the next depot, further north still, Makreg discovered a temple built adjacent to the manufacturer. Makreg personally led the attack force to destroy the temple. When he arrived, with many squads of marines, devastators and two dreadnoughts, he found the temple much more defended than he expected. When he had fought his way into the temple, he found himself and his men in an ambush. Daemons poured from the walls and the Chaos marines fired from above. Makreg turned just in time to see an Obliterator turn a corner and fire with wonton disregard for any of his own teammates’ safety. Makreg ordered Dreadnought-brother Rosherium to assist. The massive walker broke through the wall directly behind the Obliterator. The walking gun battery didn’t even have time to turn around before being crushed by the Rosherium’s massive claw. Makreg analyzed the situation and realized there was only one option for possible success. He ordered his Devastators and the other dreadnought, equipped with rockets and a lascannon, to fire directly on the temple. His men, knowing Makreg reputation and dedication, did not hesitate. Moments later, the entire building shook as the heavy weapons rained down upon it. Makreg took the squad he was leading and took them to cover. The Chaos marines screamed with anger as they realized what was happening. Many ran to the windows to try to fire at the Devastators. Makreg heard a guttural feral scream and looked up from their cover to see a Chaos Champion charging across the shaking floor. Unwilling to risk the lives of his men, Makreg charged headlong at the Champion, power sword in hand. Sparks flew as his sword, powered by the mighty Emperor, clashed with the Champion’s axe, seething in Chaos energies. The Champion pushed Makreg away, and came back with an over head swing. Makreg caught his blow with his own sword, and they locked at the hilts. Now, face to face with the monster, Makreg could make out the detail in his face. He had scattered scars, and the Eye of Horus burned into his forehead. Makreg’s and the Champion’s eyes met, and for Makreg, all time stopped. He heard unintelligible, evil, sinister voices whisper to him. He felt the hand of Chaos wrap its icy fingers round his heart. Makreg fought against the whispers with everything he had, but some still got through. After what seemed like an eternity of battle for him, things began to move once again. Slowly at first, then faster, until everything around him moved normally again. With a mighty roar, Makreg swung his sword downwards, breaking the lock. With the momentum, Makreg took the sword and chopped off the Champions leg, just above the knee. He fell, flailing and screaming, to the ground. Makreg stabbed him through the chest while he lay on his back. But, even so, the seed of Chaos had been planted. Makreg turned from the fallen traitor, to see his men still in cover, occasionally firing at an enemy who was exposed. Suddenly, the Devastator squad Sergeant came over his vox, “Structural integrity compromised! Evacuate now!” Makreg signaled for his men to retreat through the hole in the wall behind them. Moments after Makreg dove through the wall, the temple collapsed. Makreg calmly stood up and looked around, watching his men mop up any surviving traitors. Makreg stooped over the fallen Champion, whom the falling roof had spared, and plucked something from his belt. The Temple had fallen, and in the time it took to destroy it, several other squads took the supply depot as well. It took several more days to take the remaining supply institutions, but when it was done, he returned to the crippled Chaos base. In a quick tank pincer, the encampment was hewed open. Space Marines spilled in, but the Chaos marines made them fight for every inch. Makreg, with his Terminator retinue, turned to see a Predator explode in flames and electricity. Makreg squinted through the smoke to see the Leader of the Chaos forces on Ophelia III march through. He was clad in black power amour, and wore a mask which depicted a man howling in pain. He bore a huge glowing staff in his hand, and fired his blot pistol with the other. One of Makreg’s Terminators fired his autocannon at the Sorcerer, but with no effect. Makreg charged with his retinue, and the first Terminator to reach him, Brother Darius, was hit with a bolt from his staff and fell crumpled to the ground. With “For the Emperor!” flying from his lips, Makreg made a sweeping strike at the Sorcerer. He parried it casually and a large combat broke out as several traitors, bearing chainswords, came to assist their lord. With a powerful blow, Makreg thrust his sword through the Sorcerer’s abdomen. The Sorcerer faltered for a moment, before pulling Makreg close to him with his own sword. He looked at Makreg for a moment before releasing a disgusting, horrible, gut wrenching scream, and swiped at his face. Makreg was quick enough to dodge the blow slightly, but the Sorcerer’s hand, which burned red hot, was dragged across his lips and cheeks. Makreg tore his sword out sideways, ripping the Sorcerer wide open. Knowing he had been dealt a mutilating blow, Makreg put on his helmet before looking up. The last enemy who had tried to help screamed as his lord fell, but he was soon smashed by a Terminator power fist. After that, the battle for the encampment was quick. Chaos fled and died. However, where as Makreg thought once the leader was dead, the rest of the followers would quickly follow, he was wrong. The campaign raged on for another decade. New leaders rose and fell, and Makreg and his men were constantly tried at by the voices of Chaos. But once Ophelia III was won, Makreg was a hero. He returned to his ship Crushing Blow, and the 2nd company of the Torches of the Emperor were going home. He retired to his chambers on the first night aboard the ship, lay down upon his bed, and injected the drugs he had taken from the fallen Chaos Champion into his blood stream. He had waited eleven years for them, and as the swirling colors and sounds covered him, he only thought for a moment what this meant for his faith. When Lohorien Makreg returned to his Chapter, he was a celebrated man. But deep within his mind, he felt the touch of Chaos, and some part of him was willing and wanting, though he would never speak of it. He was sure that the men in the 2nd company who had fought that long decade had the same want. Several days after his return, the Inquisitor who detested him so vehemently asked to speak to him in private. When he reached the man’s chamber, he wasted no time accusing him of losing his faith. He told Makreg how he no longer believed in the Imperium of Man and how the hold of Chaos had taken over his soul. Makreg was sure he couldn’t actually know the hidden feelings, but the hold of Chaos was too great. In a great fury, Makreg stabbed the Inquisitor through the chest and lifted him, upon his sword, to meet his face. Makreg removed his helmet for the first time to anyone since the Sorcerer had burned him. His lips were burned off, leaving him looking like a disgusting skull, and his cheeks bore blisters and scars and burns. He looked the man in the eyes and said “Here is your proof, holy man. I reject your corpse god. I give myself to Chaos.” And with that, he watched the Inquisitor die, and threw his broken body to the floor. He gathered his company and told them they no longer needed to die for the Imperium’s cause. As he knew they would, they cheered for him and renounced their faith in the False Emperor. The 2nd Company of the Torches of the Emperor boarded the Crushing Blow and left to the Warp, but not before firing upon and destroying the Inquisition’s ship. Several years later, they left the Warp, as the Disciples of Ecstasy. They had been chosen by Slaanesh, and many now bore his Sonic Weaponry. Their power amour turned bright purple, and great leering faces stared out from it. They had thrown off the shackles of the False God, and devoted themselves to Chaos.

i know that a space marine not taking off his helmet for a decade is far fetched, so i was thinking of changing it to something like:
"as Makreg held the dying inquisitor, he removed his helmet, to expose his burned, tortured face."

or is the first version better?

First off use paragraphs, it is hard on the eyes to read through a block of text. Paragraphs break up the sections into scenes that are easier to read and provide a sense of structure.

The main character needs exploration, what are is wants and needs what about him that makes it so Slaanesh tempts him. Is he over ambitious, is he overly prideful, does he aspire for perfection. How does he interact with the other marines in his command – is he respected by his men, is he loved. The only name character in your piece is the protagonist Makreg he needs to interact with his marines and they need to be included more in the story. Get some other names in there, have someone else do something.

I was confused by the coordination of the action. Is Makreg running around alone at times, is he in terminator armor? Does he have a power weapon or a chain blade? It feels a little like playing a first person shooter while drunk the way bad guys keep hopping out at the main character.

You might also want to put more descriptive adjectives and adverbs in your writing. Here is your piece:

“Makreg swung his sword downwards, breaking the lock. With the momentum, Makreg took the sword and chopped off the Champions leg, just above the knee. He fell, flailing and screaming”

Try coloring up the language a little like:

“Deftly Makreg swung his growling sword two handedly through the fallen marines guard sparking angry roars on his enemy’s ancient armor which turned to wet gurgles as it tore through the villain’s leg. With a spray of visceral the chaos champion fell to the ground in howling protest.”

Use high descriptive language for the action scenes to keep the reader attentive to the story:
“He shot him, then he shot one guy in the face. Then he karate kicked another guy. Then he cut off a guy’s leg”
This could be an incredibly interesting action scene but it is bland without descriptors. Extend the fight scenes with colorful language and explained the action coordination of the marines are they diving, jumping, swinging blindly? What are their opponent doing?

Avoid repeating the same word or phrase over and over again - refer to Makreg as the company master, Lophorien, give a physical description like the dark eyed marine, or what even you want to call him just break up the monogamy of; “Makreg did this then Makreg did this. Makreg is running. Makreg just cut off someone’s head”. It gets tedious for a reader to experience the same vocabulary, mix it up a little use a thesaurus.

Try to create and ebb and flow of the action so it is a little less like a video game. Even in the heat of battle the marines have to take moment after dispatching a foe to reevaluate the combat, pause for breath, and look around; especially the commander. Makreg should be in constant observation of his marines during combat – he is their commander and it is his first duty to order his man into combat.

When dealing with a fall of grace story you should deal with what faults, fears, or other characteristics were components to his surrender to chaos. A marine turning against the emperor requires an in dept exploration.

Hope this was helpful

Holy wall of text Batman. I'm sure its neat and all, but my eyes went buggy after about 10 sentences. Sorry.