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I typed up a little bit of fluff for my DIY spacemarine chapter what do you guy's think?

Men of the Zoantan light infantry scaled the breach in the defences of Karanzagar, each one in awe of the city; they had spent six years trying to get to. The vox network was a constant drone in each man’s ear, directing squads and artillery. Fire teams stood ready to provide covering fire. Preachers yelled out hymns to the Emperor, speaking of his sacrifice to mankind.

Trooper Zarl Hekkel was a cynical man. His views and ideas boarded on the faint line of heresy. But even his heart was filled with joy as they ran to the breach; his soul was uplifted by such devotion. Millions of troopers striving towards one thing in the name of the saviour of mankind, how could non-believers exist in a time where humanity ruled the stars?

Half his squad collapsed suddenly, knives, javelins and throwing axes piercing their flak armour, slicing through arteries and ligaments, spatters of sweet sickly blood dying their armour the deepest red, how could such backward, primitives defy the Zoantan’s finest hour, on the verge of a glorious victory? His blood boiled, he raised his shotgun in one fluid movement as only a veteran could and pulled the trigger, bullet rounds whipped from him and his comrades, popping skulls, shattering bones, piercing organs and maiming the enemy. The Zoantan’s started to sprint after their fleeing enemy, blasting anything that moved. The rebels of Karanzagar fled like a receding wave, before the slaughter, all their renowned discipline forgotten in the heat of battle, Hundreds crumpled to the floor, dead and dying making a bloody patchwork of colour. Zarl reached the top of the hill first screaming with adrenaline. Only then did he realize his mistake, his jaw dropped as he saw the towering idol of a chaos warlord titan. He cringed in fear wetting him self and crawling under a rock. He saw his comrades and brothers, blasted apart, their puny weapons failing to damage the mighty machine. Culled and slaughtered none of his brothers remained, how could this happen to the chosen of the Emperor? Was this victory not pure?

Zarl shuddered as he heard the roar of engines pass overhead, and cowered as the droning was drowned out by the crash of heavy cannons blasting away, he saw the blur of three red and black planes circling around the titan, evading its superior fire power with astonishing grace and agility. The warlord hit one of the Thunder Hawks and Zarl saw a few specks jump into thin air, before the gliding wreck exploded in a retina scorching fireball. The remaining two turned again and again, blowing shields and weapons off the titan. The Warlord turned in slow motion, it seemed to Zarl as its crew, saw the lead Thunder Hawk dive towards it in a strafing run, the Thunder Hawk seemed to be surrounded with white light and took hits that could have levelled cities, without even wobbling, truly this was a miracle. The world stood still as the Warlord toppled, deafening Zarl. More Red and Black vehicles slammed into the ground, making craters. One of the vehicles opened revealing a single humanoid, One Space marine in red and black. Zarl was blessed, not just a miracle, but angels of his Emperor.

Hope you like it Model collector

It's good, but something about it makes me abit.. I dunno, I get very particular when it comes to shortstories. It seems like you've tried to be very descriptive (which, for the most part, is achieved) but occasionally some repeated words or dull phrases pulled me away from the story. I liked it, and it's certainly better than alot of stuff I've read lately.

As for the actual story, I thought it was pretty interesting but I just hate the space marines' blind faith. You've portrayed them well, and it's not a problem with the story, it's just an aspect of me not really liking those damn marines...

Is this the first short story you've written? Because I think with more practice and experience it would be a joy to read more of your work. Keep it up.

Oh, and try not to repeat words so much, for example, you usd 'red and black' as a descriptive tool three times in the last paragraph. I'm not trying to put you down, just thought it might be helpful to know that sort of stuff can put me off reading something.

Sorry for my fragmented paragraphs, but I hope any advice you find within my muddled comments will help you out.. Good luck on future stories!

Thanks thats the first short story I've wrote and your comments are welcome. If I Get more time I'll start work on more, but who knew they give you more homework in year 8!!!