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I found a pic online about some ones fluff for thier nocros which is a strong willed necro broke free of control and decided to help his freinds.
I heard stranger things, and came up with my own. I have taken some artistic liberty in the method of how they become necros. Hope you enjoy.

The Necron Lord stood overlooking the city beneath him. The people here were not unlike his own. They had a knowledge of science, and their ships moved througout the stars in much the same way as his own once did. He remebered how it had come to pass. All though his cold metal face no longer shoed emotion, he imagined it grimacing in disgust.

When the C'Tan had given them the promise of eternal life, many accepted without hesitation. He had waited. He had studied the necro-dermis of the Immortals, and had found out a shocking discovery. When he tried to let others know of his discovery, the Immortals had attacked him. They took him to the massive plants where the bodies of those to become Necrons wher transformed. They punished him for his insolence. He could remeber the cold steel needle, jammed deep into his chest, as it pumped the living metal into his viens. He shuddered. He remebered how the had torn his skin from his bones, the red arterial blood spurting from his body as he screamed in agony. The machines then took him away on a grav-slab, to implant his mutilated body into the metal shell , and how one of the Tomb-spyders had bumped into the machine that pumped the metal into the viens of the Necrotyr, and how a great spark had sprung up from it, electrocuting his body, and several other, as they were made into the soules machines. He smiled,remebering how that incedent had saved his will and soul.

Turning towards his most trusted warriors, the Necron Lord placed one of his hands on his warsythe, and painfully spoke.
His voice was grating, and painded. But he spoke, knowing that if he did not, his entire quest had been for not. "To battle." Turnign he began his walk towards the city, knowing that he was saving them form the true terror of the necrons. The Necrotyr was reborn.

Jesus! This looks like it was written by a fourteen year-old!

(Checks Golden's profile page.)

Oh, right. Keep practicing, kid! Oh, and don't read crappy sci-fi novels, or you'll turn out like me!

Put this on the dakka fiction.

Pariah press is blunt about it, but yeah, this stuff is worse than your most recent works.

OW!

Why not just stab me in the face.

*suddenly looks up to see pariah press weilding a knife.*

Hey, at least i try. it s all bout fun for now. And if you think you can do better i throw down this gauntlet.

"DO BETTER THAN ME WITH YOUR OWN NECRO FICTION STORY!"

seriously, i would like to see what you can do, so that I can make you fell like your not as good as your hero, Stephan King.

*bows down to homemade altar of Stepahn King, praying for guidance and better writing skills.*


oh, i already turned out like you. damn you sci-fi NOVELS!

agree with the others, but I like the concept. keep going with it scout.

Thank you, at least some encouragement. dam, is that so hard to say

"I think it needs some work, but i like the idea."

You made my feelings hurt

Spell....check.....please......

Golden Eyed Scout wrote:OW!

Why not just stab me in the face.

*suddenly looks up to see pariah press weilding a knife.*

Hey, at least i try. it s all bout fun for now.

That's fine. Like I said, keep practicing. Right now, you're not too good, but if you practice you'll probably get good.

And if you think you can do better i throw down this gauntlet.

"DO BETTER THAN ME WITH YOUR OWN NECRO FICTION STORY!"

seriously, i would like to see what you can do, so that I can make you fell like your not as good as your hero, Stephan King.

LOL. I never actually read a Stephen King book. I figured, everyone else has, so why should I bother? I don't have time to write a story about Necrons, but I'll post a link to my latest screenplay.

*bows down to homemade altar of Stepahn King, praying for guidance and better writing skills.*


oh, i already turned out like you. damn you sci-fi NOVELS!

Crap. Well, it's probably too late to save you, but at least try to read something improving now and then. And keep writing! I didn't mean to come down so hard on you. Not tryin' to squash your dreams or anything, sheesh!

Quentin Quasar and the Cosmic Tassle?

I'm not going to read it. It couldn't possibly be as good as the title...

I dunno, I've read worse from the Black Library And if that Eragon nonsense can get published and turned into a movie...

Like some other more constructive posters, I'd say keep writing, especially if you enjoy it

Pariah Press wrote:LOL. I never actually read a Stephen King book. I figured, everyone else has, so why should I bother? I don't have time to write a story about Necrons, but I'll post a link to my latest screenplay.

ArbitorIan wrote: Quentin Quasar and the Cosmic Tassle? I'm not going to read it. It couldn't possibly be as good as the title...

I read about half of it ... ...very "Bill the Galactic Hero "

Keep working at it Scout. The idea's there, you just need to polish your skills a little, which comes with time and practice. Oh, and remember just coz something doesn't suit everyone's taste, doesn't mean it's that bad. After all, look at the yearly sales of the weepy offerings from publishers Mills & Boon ! ( And no, i DON'T read that soppy crud !)

man people can be real jerks on here. seriously i think its a good start, and congrats on wanting to be different. I cant stand people that just want to buy a codex, pick an army and then play with out ever thinking on thre own. thumbs up

Creativity is a wonderful thing friend, keep at it and do not be put down, glean what constructive criticism you can and keep coming back stronger.

The idea of a lord having a flashback is a great one, how the necrontyr have had their fall from grace to their current state, the tragedy hidden behind the horror of what they are now, all a good concept.

do use a spell check though, few things detract from conveying emotion in your text than a misspelt word.

I CAN'T FIND MY SPELLCHECK BUTTON!!!!

And thanks to those of you who have offered constructive critiscm. I will keep trying, and plan to revise and rewrite the parts that i feel need working on.

Okay, I'm rewriting this so that pariah press will stop complaining. Also I sould like you to know, this thread is the one that is only ten views away from 150 total views. Thank you all.... I think I'm going to cry.


The Lord of Pain stood on the cliff, overlooking the city beneath him. the people who lived there had no idea how lucky they were that he had encountered them first, instead of the others. They had a piece of technology that he greatly desired. Desire. Funny.... or ironic. Desire was what had gotten the Necrotyr into their current problem in the first place. He felt the wave of pain begin to creep up his spine, and fought to keep his agony from overwhelming him once again, as it had done so many times before. He gripped his Warsycthe tighter, and dropped to one knee, as he painfully remebered the way his entire quest had long ago began.


He had like many Necrotyr, been a scientist. He had lived in fear of the stars that ravaged his people. And he had venerated the C'Tan. They had promised life eternal. And with that promise... his people had doomed themselves to an eternity of servitude as cold heartless machines. Many had instantly accepted the offer of immortality. Those that did not immediatly accept, did so in the following days and weeks. But he had recruited his best friends and scientists to examine the necrodermis. They found out a shocking discovery. They had tried to warn the rest of those that had not yet been transformed into the abominations of the C'Tan. But instead they were met with a fate worse then death. They were themselves turned into cold unfeeling metal. He could see it even now, after so many millenia. he could still see the massive complexes as he had slowly been destroyed and rebuilt. He could still feelthe cold,steel needle as it plunged deep into his chest, injecting him with massive amounts of steriods to survive the process.. He had tried so hard not to scream, because the C'Tan were there, watching to better enjoy their ultimate triumph. He had bitten off a large portion of his tongue. He had then been flayed, and then stapped down unto a grav-wheeler, and taken to where they would replace his body with the robotic enhancements. He had still tried not to scream as the metal hacksaw had torn into his legs, right above the knee. He had mercifully blacked out. When he had awoken, his arms and legs were metallic replicas. He had seen as the massive needle, filled with living metal, pierced his chest, and slowly injected into his viens. Here was where his will had run out. He had screamed, begging to keep his eyes. They had indulgged him this. He had looked down, seeing the raw, pink muscle slowly turn into a cold, dark metal, almost purple, or midnight blue. He had then been taken to wherethey would break down his will. At this time however a storm cloud gathered over head. One single lightning bolt had struck down and electrocuted him as they dulled his senses. He had.... somehow been spared by this single freak of nature. The living metal had warped, changing and transforming his already mutilated body. It had turned into a reflective black armor. He had again blacked out. And when he awoke this time... not even a little bit of his body was left, save for his eyes. His chest had been replaced by a sleek metal unit, his brain harvested and placed in a metal skull. His body, once wracked with radiation sickness, now was strong in the metallic husk they had implanted him in.



The Lord of Pain rose up. He had been having the flashbacks more and more. He believed the only reason he had retained his sanity was because of his eyes.
Though now faded, and bloodshot, they had lost none of their quickness. He turned and spoke to his assembled army. Whenever he spoke, the agony was like living through the transformation again. But it was a gift that he had long ago acquired. His voice was gravely, and grated. It was like nails on a chalk board. "We go to war." And with that he jumped off the edge of the cliff, and brought that very thing.

i like
i know its not exactly professional but look at it this way- i cant do better...

bob the space marine
once upon a time there was a space marine, and his name was bob. one day he went to fight some orks, but they killed him.
the end

see?

Jimmy the Marine
In a galaxy far far away there was once a blue marine called jimmy that lived in a BIIIGGG fortress thingy with lotsa spiky bits and guns that go boom.
Anyway, Jimmy was walking down the corridor to the War Room, but the marine janitor had not cleaned up a puddle properly and poor Jimmy the marine fell over dislocating his knee.
After a long court battle and inquistional reports, Jimmy was eventually awarded 20,100,000 Imperial Credits in compensation and he now owns his own paradise moon over looking some green planet and bought several Sisters of Battle to work as maids and make his bed each morning

Jimmy is very happy
The End


On Topic
My first draft was awful, but i kept rewritting it and changing things until I got it right. The thing is ... if you've never done this before its hard to write Mozart first time so your bound to have problems with it.

Just look at what you've done, see the constructive suggestions and make any adjustments you deem fit. Its your fluff so if you like it then thats what counts (although positive feedback is good as we all know)

Have written my own fluff and posted it as an article and took me a month of rewrites to get it how i want. I've done all the background of who my army are, my WIP is three background stories to add flavour to the army and give some personal touches to the charactor within it. Its posted as an article if anyone does want to view it. Not trying to promote my own stuff, but sometimes reading other peoples Fluff can give you idea of how to space it all out and things you can mention to give a better and interesting read http://www.dakkadakka.com/wiki/en/The_Elite_Guard_Fluff

Looks decent so far, and has a base to be something really good with some more work

EDIT: for those that do read my article .. .. the first big section is the background of how the army came to be and who they are and what they do. the WIP bits below will be stories to not only give a better explaination of my army but also to add charactor. For example I mentioned that my army was betrayed, in the story I'm writing you find out that the betrayer was the brother of my chapter master where he tried to take control and nearly killed off my chapter. INHO stuff like that, laid out in that kind of way is easier to read as its not all pushed into one sentence trying to explain everything at once, its structured and allows you to explain things better without the sentence jumping about. Apologies if I've waffled too much, just hoping that it helps and points you in the right direction to make yourself a masterpiece)

Golden Eyed Scout wrote:Okay, I'm rewriting this so that pariah press will stop complaining.

Thank you. It's a lot better already, but I'll just hit you with a few critiques to help you, if you don't mind.

the people who lived there had no idea how lucky they were that he had encountered them first, instead of the others.

Capitalize the first letter of sentences.

He felt the wave of pain begin to creep up his spine, and fought to keep his agony from overwhelming him once again, as it had done so many times before. He gripped his Warsycthe tighter, and dropped to one knee, as he painfully remebered the way his entire quest had long ago began.
Try to avoid using the same word (or near enough) so close together, unless it's for a deliberate effect. Also, watch you spelling on "remembered." There are many other spelling errors. Use spellcheck.

[quote He had like many Necrotyr, been a scientist.

I think you need another comma after "had."

But he had recruited his best friends and scientists to examine the necrodermis.

The what now? A little explanation for readers who aren't up all all of this newfangled 3rd edition fluff.

They found out a shocking discovery.

This is awkward. Perhaps something like "they made a shocking discovery?"

They had tried to warn the rest of those that had not yet been transformed into the abominations of the C'Tan. But instead they were met with a fate worse then death.

Use a comma instead of a period between these two.

He had screamed, begging to keep his eyes. They had indulgged him this.

"They" who? Make sure your pronouns actually point to something. Say "The C'tan" or something.

He had looked down, seeing the raw, pink muscle slowly turn into a cold, dark metal, almost purple, or midnight blue.

I like this bit. Engages the senses.

He had then been taken to wherethey would break down his will. At this time however a storm cloud gathered over head. One single lightning bolt had struck down and electrocuted him as they dulled his senses.

I don't quite understand this. It seems to me that you should expand this part, as it's important.

"We go to war." And with that he jumped off the edge of the cliff, and brought that very thing.

Is he going to war or is he bringing war?

tut tut cant stop complaining can you :S

Although some of Pariah Press's comments are a little too blunt for my taste, he's made some useful comments of where you can fill out the content and where explaination would be needed for those of us (like me) who have not read the necron codex, making it a more interesting read for necron and non-necron players alike.

As you said, this is a first draft so we're not expecting gold

I'd personally recomend of not describing the full details of his memory of his transformation, and possibly making more of a hollow memory, glimpses and glances of shocking images that flash in his mind each time he thinks about his past that cause him great pain.
A flash of a needle, a memory of screams and imense pain that he knows must be his, a feeling of being almost distance from his own past. etc etc

The process of his transformation would have been painful i imagine so if he did indeed have memory of it would be traumatic.

I doubt the C'Tan would have given in to his will and let him keep his eyes, perhaps the C'Tan decided that this necron(aka, your lord) would need them for some purpose/mission, giving him some slight happiness despite his awful transformation and might explain why he hadn't gone insane or consumed by hatred.

Food for thought, its your story so if you want it that way then go for it

The eyes thing is a neat detail, I thought. Gods can be capricious.

The necrodermis is their bodies. ya know, like epdermis. And no matter how many time s I write it down i cant remember how to spell remembered. And "they" refers to earlier in the article of how the c'tan wacthed over this guy, because he had dared to try and show the truth. And the storm cloud is supposed to be how he was able to keep his mind, cause a lightning bolt struck him when they tried to de-soulify him. Both. His going to war, but bringing it to the people that live below the cliffs.

ANd if you won't stopcomplaining



THEN STOP READING IT!!!!!!

bottbott wrote:i like
i know its not exactly professional but look at it this way- i cant do better...

bob the space marine
once upon a time there was a space marine, and his name was bob. one day he went to fight some orks, but they killed him.
the end

see?

And lo, though his mortal flesh was rent asunder, the Astartes Roberte did not meet his end. His was not the fate of a martyr; no, his path would stretch ever onward, into the infinite horizons of space-time and the realms beyond. When next he woke, he found himself gazing up at a sky made of sapphire; a ceiling of textureless azure perfection that hurt his human mind just to look upon. As he lay there, still, he looked out upon this new landscape. Roberte looked both left & right, but everywhere there was the same smooth sapphire. The sky seeped into the ground and the ground melted up into the sky at a horizon of infathomably minute thickness. The sheer impossibilty of it cut into his sanity like a monomolecular razor. Roberte looked down at his body, but there was none to be found. All he saw was the same featureless blue. A realization struck him: he was standing. What devilry is this? thought Roberte. He was met with an answer that he did not expect. As if from every direction at once came the voice; a voice of such intensity that the words felt as if they would blast away his frail shell in an instant. It is the fate of all those who seek retribution for those who have been wronged; the fate of all those who would seek justice in my name. Roberte made an attempt to locate the noise, but even with his enhanced senses it was futile. As he turned his head in a new direction, he found that the blue sky had melted to black in a measure of time too ifinitesimally small for him to understand. The ground, or perhaps the sky, had been replaced by a floor of gleaming brass. "And just what is your name!?" shouted Roberte to no direction in particular. Do you not know, Roberte of Macragge? The voice came from directly in front of him this time, but when he turned to face it, he was met with the most wondrous sight he could ever imagine. Before him stood a being of unimaginable size, the floor he had observed earlier being merely the surface of its colossal armored hand. The being had a face, but it was not a normal, flesh face. Within the being's sockets lay orbs that burned with an incandescent might that rivalled the stars themselves, and the flesh of its face was formed from what appeared to Roberte to be light; but the light did not shine outward, it curved into the vague semblance of a face, flowing in myriad streams of ethereal substance. The sheer scope of its magnificence was beyond him. I am that from whence you came, I am the source of your strength. I am He to whom you have both sacrificed and dedicated your existence. I am the ultimate end that you seek. Roberte was struck with a divine revelation, and sunk to his knees in shame of his ignorance. As he lay humbled before this being he performed only two actions. He formed the Holy Sign of the Aquila, his arms crossed across his chest in reverence, and he muttered words that, in any reality bound by conventional laws, were inaudible: "My Emperor..."

All this talk of writing made we want to write, though it's not necessarily related to the topic at hand. Whenever you write you should always aim to use colorful, descriptive language. Instead of saying "big," say "colossal;" instead of saying "weak," say "feeble," and so on. Also, you should generally assume that the reader is totally ignorant of the setting and events which you are describing. In the above passage I have taken both into account: colorful language and addressing all releveant actions & events. I say "relevant" because you may want to leave out certain details to achieve a more dramatic effect. As hellsguardian316 said, these are painful memories, so there are bound to be gaps due to memory supression, forgetting, etc. What you have is a good start, but it just needs a little more...oomph. In addition, it also helps to proofread what you have read to see if there are spelling/grammar errors, or to see if you are just satisfied with the story in general.

I prefer some hentai stories about necrons and sisters of battle.

Getting there, Scout, keep going
Any ideas for the next bit ?

Yeah i do. And i swear to GOD and if you complain again pariah press I'll have to hit incredible hard with my psychic powers. Comprende?

I was just offering some friendly advice on how to polish your writing a bit, but I can tell that I'm unwanted here!

(Pariah Press flounces out.)




(And then weeps piteously in the darkness of his lonely room.)

Golden Eyed Scout wrote:Yeah i do. And i swear to GOD and if you complain again pariah press I'll have to hit incredible hard with my psychic powers. Comprende?

With your Spanish psychic powers? Por la madre sangrado!

jeez, so no necron hentai stories i take it? :(

If i posted the things I think about i'd be booted from the site, so no.