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There are cases where the bad grammar often detracts from the quality of the article; otherwise it was interesting to read

He Who Stood wrote:There are cases were the bad grammar often detracts from the quality of the article, otherwise it was interesting to read

speaking of grammar...


well, I suppose it was mostly spelling, but whatever

point taken
but thanks for pointing it out
now its fixed

I will go through and amend spelling, grammar etc and re-post.

Thanks.

Interesting concept....



REALLY poor execution. C'mon, show, don't tell. You're delivery is unimaginative, your dialogue falls flat, and it seems you're trying to pull your writing style in too many directions.

It shows promise, but you can do better than this...

Can you go into more details exactly what you mean?

I'll start with the first sentence and give you a few pointers:

The small class merchant vessel left behind the coldness blackness of space as it docked in the dull lit docking bay of a large cruiser.

This is how your story starts. No problem with that sort of style, but, as with all forms of entertainment surrounding the use of fiction, you need to establish a concept called "suspension of disbelief". The idea behind this is that, while reading/watching/playing/interacting with said entertainment medium, your audience shouldn't be thinking that they're reading a piece of fiction. Draw them in, put them in that moment, even if it is only for that moment.

I shall treat your opening as a blob of green stuff, and hopefully show you a means by which to improve your writing skill.

The small class merchant vessel left behind the coldness blackness of space as it docked in the dull lit docking bay of a large cruiser.

We'll start with the parts in bold. You've got a pair of ships here that are just generic flying boxes right now. Flesh them out, give them names. Even inanimate objects can become characters, and in this case, your first set of characters are also your setting. Here's how I would fill in the gaps, and bear in mind that this is my own style, i don't expect you to copy it, but I hope you can learn from it.

She was called "Greyheart", a small merchant-class vessel inbound from the eastern galactic rim. Reality itself seemed to boil off around the hull as it made it's translation from the warp and plotted it's approach into a sprinkling of dark spots upon the harsh, cold darkness of the void. The communications array came abruptly to life, cogitators spinning up, a dry, mechanical grinding click, spitting streams of data into the void, exchanging identifier code with the growing specks. The fleet ahead of them was finally discernible as something more than motes of dust floating through the maddening emptiness of space. Upon approach, the true scale of the space-bound behemoth became obvious. The titanic Gothic style buttresses along the hull seemed, to that crew, as though one had simply plucked a dozen hive spires from a world, simply to form the skeleton of this beast. The sight of her was humbling, to say the least, but she still brought a note of pride into the hearts of those who saw her this close. She was called "Kraken", a heavy cruiser of the 437th Explorator Fleet, a feat of engineering designed, built, and piloted by none other than the Adeptus Mechanicum, the High Priests of Mars.

Make it feel like you're there, give story within your story... breathe life into even the simplest of objects, if they're key to your story. Talk about the way things move... if someone walks, do they have a limp, a saunter, do they seem to glide effortlessly across the floor? What do you hear when they step? Heavy footfalls? The grind of machinery? The clank and rattle of treads across the deck grates? What smells are in the air? What could you compare it to?

Remember, you're not just recounting events, you're helping someone live vicariously through your characters, and that, my friend, is what fiction is all about.

Edit: Typo.

now that is some good writing^^

So you really mean just flesh it out with more detail.

Bingo.

I don't want to just be reading about it, I want it to seem like I was actually there, standing over the table.

exactly, the more detail, the more engaging it is, and better the piece of fiction.

Acknowledged. I like more detail myself, just sometimes its if I can be arsed to pop it in

I will work on something and get it uploaded within the next few weeks. Thanks for the feedback 8)

No problem. I know the process can be a real pain in the butt, but if you're writing fiction for the consumption of others, you'd do well to remember that if you wouldn't read it, then it's likely others won't want to waste their time on it either.

Its a fair point you have. I did write a lot of details for battle reports, but, some negative comments put me off. But, to be fair, was battle reports, and not fiction.

i look forward to reading it