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I thought I would have a crack at writing background for an Imperial Guard Commisar, here's what I've got so far;

Over the horizion I looked. I saw death. I saw the Emperor's will. Yet the Emperor's will had brought nothing to me but death. This was my end. The smell of blood runs rank through the city, the ground trembles before our enemies devestation, and the city burns, with a fire unquenchable. Bodies of our fallen lay strewn across the battlefield, dismembered, limb from limb, the dying beg for my mercy, i pity them. I stand alone, with my steed Kefalor form the fields of Terra itself,my last companion. We stand alon, among bloodshed, among evil, in this nightmare landscape. My name is John Nevile, Lord Commisar, and last survivor of the 38th Krieg Airborne. This. Is my story.

Questions and comments please guys, I could do with some help.

hmm, good start. Does he turn against Emprahs will?

Also, how can he have a horse in an airborne regiment?
And I doubt the horse would be from that rock Terra.

But apart from the horse (and possibly and bland name) it's pretty solid.

Keep your commissar cliched and whuppin butt. None of this "was it all worth it?" nonsense.

I'm not quite sure Terra has "fields" any more.

I think it's mostly hive-city and chapels.

He's the last man alive in his entire regiment!!! Commisar or not I think you would be thinking the same.

I understand the effect you want. But I don't think it's appropriate for a Commissar. A guard sergeant, maybe. But not the Schola Progenium's most successfully brainwashed pupils. Read a bit more on them and soak up the fanaticism.

Bloodthirster wrote:He's the last man alive in his entire regiment!!! Commisar or not I think you would be thinking the same.

With the amount of summary executions they dish out the commissar could easily be the bloody REASON he's the last one left in the regiment!

Lol


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Second Instalment! Enjoy ;

It was quiet. To quiet. Calmly I brought Kefalor to a halt, petting the beast, he was afraid, I could sense it. I observed my surroundings, there was nothing, nothing but buning, butchered carcasses. Where. Was my foe. I sought to reek revenge apon there mist, revenge for they had done to my men. My Emperor's men. i feel it, I feel it noe, even as my draw my sword, I can feel it. A sense, of unease. They are close. Closing in. I can feel it. There stalking me. Once hunter, no I'am prey. Out of the corner of my eye I can see flickers of movements. Someone's there. Just behind that rock up ahead.. I can it, some sort of wretched, warp spawned crearture, waiting, waiting for me to make a false move. I dismounted and walked forward, giving the creature a image of that, I did not know it was there. I can sense the adrenline pumping through it's viens, I could sense it's eagerness to rip me limb from limb. It leaped at me. It swordsmenship is supprisingly good, it attacks me. Left! Right! And Centre! Now it's my turn! In one swift movement I chop of the creature's hands leaving it disarmed. Yet still, it comes at me, a rabid, uncontrolable monster. In desperation I split the creature in half. It's dead.

What's that! For some reason there is now a large shadow looming over me. Quickly I turn. I cry out in pain for what do my eyes see . But nought less than a Terminator Class Defiler bringing it's guns to bear. I'm running for I do not no what else to do. Then I hear it. Open Fire!

Just out of curiousity have you ever seen I am legend?

Hey,he is a good writer but still it is a little in my mind that thinks he would be a renegade in the end...

Yes i have why?

I mean,he starting to feel that the emperor dosn't exist or he dosn't care....


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Oh,sorry i wrote whean you send your post so i didn't see

Thanx 1xx700007117 that means a lot.


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I wasn't been sarcastic I meant for calling me a good writer!!!

No problem...


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And can you look at my fluff and say what you think?

Story? Just fine. I personally think it's interesting to write about the ONE commisar who sits back and says "was the juice worth the squeeze?" It's also a good first-person kind of story to write about.

However, the more technical parts of the story (grammar, syntax, punctuation, spelling, verb tenses) definitely could use work.

i like it but need more orks

Well cain was a atypical commissar... and in the big universe of 40K you have to have at least a few that aren't THAT brainwashed. You can have a commissar by sure luck become the only surivior in his unit and become a reneagade of sorts....

Bloodthirster wrote:Yes i have why?

because it reads similar to robert NEVILLES monolouges in the film, mixed in with a bit of the JOHN connor monolouges in the new terminator film.

so what was your main characters name?

John Neville? But it's THE FUTURE! Everyone has to have FUTURE NAMES (or ancient roman ones)

Commisar Zygox Jkwinthylob

see? much better!

ahh! defilers have class names? named after other units?

thats like saying im a ratling class baneblade (doesnt inspire fear)

or a ratling class sniper....wait that DOES work.....

hmm either way i love the story i also love the lord commissar model.....hell, i love commissars in general. great stuff

How 'bout the nickname? 'Iron' Johnny, as he is/was affectionately known as by the troops?