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Well i saw the 40k hummer and i couldn't find a general one so i will start one... enjoy!


HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT LIFE?
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why you have to click on 'Start'
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a 'Broker'?

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
'new & improved' flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport 'the terminal'
if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping'.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
'Directions: Use like regular soap'.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: Defrost'
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(Printed on bottom):
'Do not turn upside down'.
(Well....duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating'.
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body'.
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
'Warning: May cause drowsiness'.
(And....I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only'..
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
'Not to be used for the other use'.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts'.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts'.
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.

.

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

Good one.....worth remembering.......!



HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30..
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

OMFJHC... REALLY NECESSARY!?!

On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

The comedy of this knows no bounds... seriously though, how could this possibly on the label. HOW???

"Man I love having balls of steel, they come in so handy!"

Well, there are those of us who don't bother using the 'stop' button.

Oh... that must be why...



Ah, I knew there was some rule about this one...

Bloody hell! that is a nasty chainsaw

I say, speaking of funny things, have you heard about the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?

On a Japanese food processor:
'Not to be used for the other use'.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

I can help you with that one.

There is no word in Japanese for 'the'.

The English translation is mistaken and should read 'Not to be used for other use'.

Cheese Elemental wrote:I say, speaking of funny things, have you heard about the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?

NO WE HAVE NOT!!! AND WE DON'T WANT TO!!!!

I liked the one about the old people and the police.

Kilkrazy wrote:

On a Japanese food processor:
'Not to be used for the other use'.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

I can help you with that one.

There is no word in Japanese for 'the'.

The English translation is mistaken and should read 'Not to be used for other use'.

Mistranslation from Japanese into English? I just don't berieve it.

Failed offshots of the ipod.








epic fail

Wrexasaur wrote:

OMFJHC... REALLY NECESSARY!?!

There was one guy who thought red bull enabled you to fly.
He jumped to his death.