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Right, had a fairly lucrative day today, so I decided to treat myself to some DVDs. But dear reader, do not think for one second I went and paid for brand new discs, oh no no no.
I went to my local CEX, and had a rummage around for the cheapest, dodgiest looking films I could find. And my word I have pulled out some beauties!
First up, for the princely sum of one of our English Pounds, I procured Space Marines. But not Space Marines HURR! More, Space Marines, huh? Oh this one is bad. Rubbish CGI, the bint that played Evil Lynn in He-Man, and a bunch of actors nobody has ever heard of, and in all likelihood will never hear from again. It's toot. Absolute Pap on a Stick. You think Starship Troopers 2 was bobbins? You ain't seen nothing yet. Guns that seem to flick between being Laser type stuff (well, making a lasery pewpew sound) and being basic slug throwers. The plot is also nonexistent. Suck suck suck!
Next up, and playing as I type, is a shocker called 'Skinned Deep'. Yeah. Think The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, produced on a budget of roughly Tuppence Ha'penny in the old money, and a plot written by Monkies deliberately taking the piss. It actually has the line 'Here, I've brought you some soup and some money'. Very odd stuff. And to make it doubly cack, the dubbing is way off. Oh, and you'd think that sitting down to dinner with a clearly mad old lady (we're talking completely hatstand) a Dwarf in a Straithacket (hello Warwick Davis!) a hillbilly with a MASSIVE head (called Brain) and somebody sat in the corner with someone elses face stretched over his own would freak you out. Not this family, who have clearly set out on a Genepool Cleansing Holiday. Oh, and now the Heroine (well, I assume she's the heroine on the count of she's the only one not dead yet) has fallen 30 odd feet, head first, and just sort of got up with so much as a mark on her. Yeah. Thats what I thought.
Still to come in my unmitigated disasters season we have 'They Are Among Us' which promises (threatens?) to be a bit like Stepford Wives and Bodysnatchers. Bugger.
Oh, and back to 'Skinned Deep' some bikers are now on screen, who I suspect are going to make a mess of the mental family at some point. Spesh as they have a Granny of their own (and everyone knows it takes a Granny to knack a Granny!) Oh crap. They are Christian Crumbly Bikers. Yup. It just got worse. And the mad old lady has just come out with a Coffee Pot saying 'Welcome weary travellers what will it be?' Clearly the only rational answer to such a question must be 'a new agent or a cyanide pill. Stat'
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Sorry. Looks like I was wrong. The bikers nicked off, apart from one, who promptly got knobbled. By the 'Surgeon General' (mad bloke with a Bear Trap Jaw, Goggles and a suspiciously large head). Who jumped from not terribly high up. And it cut to slow motion. And faded to grey.
Now Brain has the surviving bint, and is taking her on a bike trip. For absolutely no reason. To a lake. With other people around. Me, I'd have punched him in his big stupid Brain (oh, apparently his name is actually Brian. How witty) and jumped up and down on his nads, pinched the bike, found the Police, brought them to the house and have me a good old fashioned shoot out. But no, she is just sitting there trying to convince him to run away with her. And nobody else in the vicinity has noticed his freakish cranium. Despite the facts that it is HUGELY HUGE, and he's wearing a really crap Head Dress.
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Apparently, Brain/Brian, The Surgeon General, and Plates (the strait jacketed Dwarf that throws plates at people) were created by a mystery creator.
And we've been treated to seeing Brain/Brian poncing down a street butt nekkid. Lovely.
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Brains brain has now hatched. Kind of. It was filled with Spelling Blocks. Huh?
Bikers mates have turned up seeking vengence for their murdered mate. Mad Granny puts the peace symbol on their head. Which promptly explode. Double huh?
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