Waaagh! Warbiker
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I was rooting through some old word documents today and i found this, please forgive any poor grammar and lack of new names for characters, as i wrote it for school years back.
Enjoy (i hope).
OPERASHUN BLOW UP DA MArKIT AN’ DA GARDUN
By Da GeneruL.
It is the 41st millennium; humanity is besieged upon a thousand worlds
and set upon by daemons, heretics and xenos in their millions, the tyranids devour world after world, the Eldar use deceit and guile to achieve their ends, and the Orks fall upon the galaxy in massive crusades known as WAAAGH’s. This story is about one of those WAAAGH’s…
Chapta wun
Zagstruk heaved at the control stick and Da Vulcha, his heavily personalised aircraft, turned sharply to avoid a looming tree, performing a series of manoeuvres to bring him behind his target. He aligned the squigwidgeon between his various sights,
Crosshairs and scopes and pulled the trigger, the massive wall of lead hammered toward its target and in the typical fashion, completely missed, shredding a buggy, two trucks and a small wooden outhouse in the process. The squigwidgeon squawked in terror and, with almost indecent haste, flew between two trees and straight into a small wooden barn.
Zagstruk grinned widely to himself as he saw his target swoop into the barn and he dived down to treetop level (well actually quite a bit below it as one poor Petrasquirrel found out). Zagstruk brought the broad side of the barn into his sights and squeezed the trigger, and the six big shoota’s bolted crudely onto the fuselage opened fire. Vast lines of tracer fire streaked towards the barn and, to Zagstruk’s dismay, going straight past the barn and into a fuel depot causing a massive string of explosions, which all merged into a large, mushroom cloud.
“FINE ‘AVE IT YOUR WAY!” screamed Zagstruk and he slammed his fist into a large red button marked “RELEESE BOMZ” and eleven bombs tumbled from the wings of Da Vulcha and hit the barn and a large area surrounding it, not to mention several areas quite a fair distance away, turning everything to a mass of craters and rubble.
”I WIN!” shouted a triumphant Zagstruk as he stuck his head out of the cockpit window, sadly forgetting to open it, and leaving a head shaped hole. He then noticed a small object fly away from the smouldering pile of rubble that was once the barn “ALRIGHT DAT’S IT” he yelled and he yanked the stick around and the chase began again.
Several miles later the Squigwidgeon was starting to tire, so in typical Squigwidgeon fashion, it forgot it was being chased and landed on the nearest building.
Zagstruk noticed the Squgwidgeon dive down and land on the Warboss’s headquarters, so, naturally, he followed him down, ”All right den” muttered Zagstruk to himself
“Time to DIE!” he screamed the last word as he pressed the trigger,
Nothing,
he pressed again,
still Nothing,
“Dam fing must be jammed” he thought out loud, so he undid his belt and leant behind his chair, and began hitting the ammo feed with a large wrench until it “looked right”.
With that done he climbed back into his chair.
It was at this point he realized that he hadn’t pulled up out of the dive before he went to fix the ammo feeds, and now all he could see was the ground, or, to be more specific, the Boss’s headquarters, “Oh….” There was a blinding white light, and then
Deep dark blackness.
Chapter Two
“Excuse me sir, we’ve landed.” said a female trooper sticking her head through the door of the cabin, waking Colonel Mordheim from his slumber, “What, where am I?” he muttered groggily to himself “Ah yes, the ship.” He noticed the trooper’s rank badges “Thank you Corporal I fear I would not have woken by my self, space travel really takes it out of me.” He swung his legs of the side of the bed “On another thought Corporal could you please go and find some form of transport and meet me at the landing pad, I’ll be down in about ten minutes.”
Colonel Mordheim strode down the landing ramp of the spaceship, his greatcoat billowing behind him dramatically. He scanned the landing pad for the female corporal, finding her standing next to a large armoured jeep on the far side of the pad.
“Hello Sir” she said as he approached, snapping off a salute as she did so, “I’m sorry I couldn’t find something a bit more comfortable, but luxury cars are a bit rare in military landing pads.” “It’s alright corporal, this will serve my needs sufficiently” replied Colonel Mordheim “Besides, if we can’t find a parking space I suppose we could always crush a smaller car occupying a space and use that one,” he added with a small chuckle.”I suppose so sir” she replied, laughing to her self as she opened his door, “Thank you corporal” said Colonel Mordheim as he clambered into the jeep, “Your welcome sir” said the corporal as she got into the driving seat.
“One thing before we go corporal” said Colonel Mordheim as he leaned forwards from the back seat, “As of now you are my personal aide, I’m not going into details, but my last one had an unfortunate accident involving several enemy battle tanks and not much cover. Anyway let’s not dwell on such matters, could you please take me to the command headquarters”
“Yes sir” said Corporal Lucas as she turned on the engine, “One other thing sir” said Corporal Lucas as an afterthought, “I don’t want to pry, but what’s a Colonel doing all the way out here, shouldn’t you be fighting wars or something?” “I agree totally with you Corporal,” said Colonel Mordheim with a faint sigh “But high command says that I have to go to this convention, its something about the dangers of the Orks.” “But sir” said the Corporal “I thought that the Orks were barbarians, barely able to speak properly, never mind a threat to the Imperium.” “I fear you are wrong Corporal” replied Mordheim “The Ork threat is a fearsome one indeed, while they may be barbarians, their fighting skill is prestigious, even if they are slightly inaccurate, in fact they believe war is a sacred thing, basing their entire religion on it. Well I say sacred, they seem to really enjoy a good scrap as well. They also have a strange psychic phenomenon that surrounds them, in which if they believe something will work, it will, which the only reason their vehicles and weaponry will work. But that’s enough about xenos for today, lets try and get to the HQ before dark.”
CHAPTA THREE
“‘Ere I fink he’s dead” Zagstruk heard through the mist of pain, “Na iz foot’s movin’,” another voice replied “’E must be alive” “Yea but it’s not attached” “Oh yea I neva thought of dat, I suppose we should get the Doc’ anyway, ‘e might be useful for spare parts” “Good idea, OI DOC! GET OVA ‘ERE” Zagstruk saw a figure approach, as the figure loomed over him Zagstruk felt himself fall slowly back into the deep dark blackness.
A bright white light.
Gleaming surgical tools.
Pain.
Blackness once again.
“’Ere ‘e’s awake” Zagstruk heard through the left over effects of the anaesthetic
(humans refer to the form of anaesthetic used in this particular case as ‘concussion’).
He tried to rise, but had to lie back down again as his limbs felt so heavy they could have been made of metal. The Doc’ came over “Your limbs are now made of metal” he said as he glanced up and down Zagstruk’s now heavily armoured body, “I made ‘em myself” he added proudly, his chest puffing out ever so slightly as he said so
“Fanks Doc’,” said Zagstruk unsurely “But wouldn’t having metal limbs slow me down, cos y’know… , they’re made of metal?” “Nah dey wont slow you down” said the Doc’, he tapped on Zagstruk’s leg, “I installed several upgrades, includin’ whirly bits” he pointed to a area on the leg “whotnots and, just cos’ it’s you, a load o’ gubbins.” “Err, fanks Doc.’” said Zagstruk as he got groggily up from the surgical table (some would call it a “pallet”), as he got up a wave of nausea and vertigo made him black out temporally
When he came around he was lying face down on the hospital’s (some might say “warehouse’s”) floor “’Ere Doc’” mumbled Zagstruk “Yea mate” replied the Doc’, seemingly un-phased that his patient had just blacked out and was now face down on the floor, “I’ve got a plan” wheezed Zagstruk “Dat’s nice” said the Doc’ “Wot is it?”
“I’ll tell you wot it is” said Zagstruk as he got up unsteadily “It’s da best battle plan dis world has eva seen” “Dat’s nice” said the Doc’ in a slightly patronizing manner,
“Dam right it’s nice” replied Zagstruk in a slightly annoyed tone “Those dam humiez wont know wot hit ‘em”
Chapta FOUR
Zagstruk wandered out of the hospital and into the bustling square in front of it.
Still slightly dazed from the “anaesthetic”, he wandered about until he found the “communal speekin stand” (otherwise known as a “crate”), when he had clambered up onto it, he raised his voice “OI LADZ! I’VE GOT A PLAN, IT’S A GOOD PLAN, WERE GONA TAKE DEM HUMIEZ BY STORM, AN’DEY WONT KNOW WOT HIT DEM! NOW ARE YOU WIV ME!?” this was met with cheers and cries of “YEA! WE’LL SHOW DEM HUMIEZ SUMMAT, AN’ DAT SUMMAT WILL ‘URT!, Err, well I fink it’ll ‘urt” and “’ERE WE GO, ’ERE WE GO, ’ERE WE GO.”
With his arms punching the air in jubilance, Zagstruk heard a voice from the crowd “’ERE BOSS, HOW DO WE KNOW YOUR PLANS GONNA WORK?”
“WHO SAID DAT?” bellowed Zagstruk, an Ork in the crowd raised his hand,
“GOOD QUESTION” Zagstruk shouted, so that the Orks at the back would hear,
Zagstruk then whipped out his pistol and shot the questioning Ork “AN’ DAT GOES FOR DA REST OF YOU, ANYONE WHO DOES NOT BELIVE IN DA PLAN WILL BE KILLED!, NOW LETS GET READY FOR WAR!”
Zagstruk walked slowly around the map table (well I say map table, it’s in fact a piece of plywood with squiggles drawn on with a marker pen), he turned when he heard one of his advisors begin to speak “Boss, I know it’s a great plan an’ all, but what do we have to do exactly?” Zagstruk pulled out a long wooden pole and the questioning Ork
brought his arms up to protect his face, but lowered them again as Zagstruk used it to point at the map “Right dis is da plan, we are gonna take these three bridges”, he pointed at three different squiggles “First we’re gonna parachute onto da towns next to da bridges.” “’Ere boss, wots a parachute?” a voice piped up at the back, “Dey are an idea I ‘ad, to put it simply, dey are big bits ‘o cloth dat you hold onto as you jump outa a aeroplane, an’ dey will slow your fallin’ speed enough so dat you can suvive”
“Dats a great idea boss” piped up another voice, “But how about if we tied the cloth to our backs, den we could carry weapons as well” “’Ere dats a good idea” said Zagstruk
“We’ll do dat instead, ok on wiv da rest of da plan, after the boyz land a load o’ tanks will drive up dis ‘ere road an ‘elp dem out, ok you all got dat ladz, the attack begins tomorrow mornin’.” “’Ere boss,” another voice popped up at the back “Wot about our hangovers?” “Ah yea I neva thought of dat” said Zagstruk
“Da attack begins tomorrow afternoon.”
Chapter FIVE
Colonel Mordheim leaned over and whispered in Corporal Lucas’s ear “If something exciting in this presentation does not happen within five minutes, could you please shoot me, because I can’t take it any longer” just as the Corporal was about to respond
a trooper burst into the conference room, saluted the Colonel, and with a panicked look upon his face, addressed him “Sir sensor reports are reading hundreds of Ork planes heading right toward us!, not to mention the two other bridges sir” “They must be intending to take the bridges and use them to get into the more heavily populated urban areas,” said Colonel Mordheim to himself “We cannot allow this to happen!, scramble all the fighters available, and mobilize all military units in the area”
he said to the trooper “Yes sir” the trooper said as he saluted and quickly hurried out of the room.
The airframe rocked severley as it was hit by yet another flack round, blowing off yet more of the super structure, but as always with Ork vehicles, most of the destroyed sections were unnecessary anyway. “Right ladz when dat light turns green, we jump out of da plane” said Kodrig to his squad of “Paratroopaz” “Ok Boss” came the chorus of replies. Kodrig glanced behind himself and then turned to address the crowd “We’ve got a Green light ladz, GO!, GO!, GO!” “Ok boss!” shouted a nearby Ork eagerly as he jumped out of the plane, Kodrig put his head into his hands and sighed, “You alright boss?” a nearby Ork asked “Yea I’m fine” replied Kodrig “But that daft idiot just forgot his parachute”
Colonel Mordheim paced around the command centre nervously, he turned to the radio operator for what seemed to be the thousandth time “Are there any more reports coming in?” “Yes sir there are” replied the radio operator “In Trondheime and Fent the Orks have almost been driven off, but here in Arncaster we’re faring poorly sir, many positions have been overrun and what little forces remain are split up and….” The radio operator listened to his headset intently “Oh that’s not good” he muttered to himself, he turned to Colonel Mordheim “Sir we’re getting reports of enemy armour in entering Arncaster.”
Krork grinned to himself as he peered out of the vision slit of his tank “Gitcrusha” as it thundered down the streets of Arncaster, smashing apart anything in its way,
it was a fine tank he thought to himself, with its twin battle cannons in the turret, each one spewing forth destruction on a gigantic scale, Krork especially liked the destruction part. He laughed loudly as he saw a humie tank explode in a ball of searing heat and fire, he laughed even more as he destroyed a enemy bunker by driving over it, he laughed so much he didn’t notice the anti-tank missile come zooming towards him, smashing through the armour of Gitcrusha and detonating in a pure wave of heat and pressure, ripping Gitcrusha asunder from within.
Zagstruk whooped with glee as he saw his missile hit a building, blasting it apart and making it topple over in a cloud of dust and debris, he then hauled on the control stick of the newly repaired “Vulcha”, soaring up to avoid a building, then unleashing lines of tracer fire into the broiling battle below. Zagstruk peered out of the cockpit and noticed a large building covered in communications equipment, “’Ere dat must be their command center” muttered Zagstruk to himself “I fink dat’s important, I know wot, I’ll blow it up.” With his plan formulated, Zagstruk dived down towards the command centre.
Colonel Mordheim stared out of the window of the command centre, viewing the fierce battle raging in the city with a practiced eye, picking out centres of resistance and points of weakness with ease. He turned to Corporal Lucas, “I cant believe we managed to push them back everywhere but here, I suppose there was just to many.”
The Corporal turned to him “Don’t worry sir, there is still hope yet, we can win this.”
Mordheim was about to reply when the radio operator addressed him “Sir the Orks have taken the bridge, all of our forces have been repelled, we can’t take it back.”
“Damnation!” said Mordheim, his shoulders sagging “They’ll be able to get into the urban areas, they’ll massacre the civilians. Are you sure we can’t take it bac…”
there was a bright flash of light from the window, “What the hell was that?!” said the Colonel to the radio operator “Sir the bridge has been destroyed!” “Wait, what!, I thought all our forces had been repelled” Mordheim replied in a confused manner
“Yes sir” said the radio operator as he looked at the radio in mute disbelief “Err… Sir, according to these reports, it was the Orks who destroyed it sir… i guess they must have got over excited, well either that or this is the worst battle plan I’ve ever seen.”
Colonel Mordheim was stunned speechless, the biggest grin he’d ever had plastered over his face. He glanced out of the window, and the smile was immediately wiped off as he saw the Ork fighter plane diving towards the Command centre, he yelled at the radio operator “I don’t care who you call just get that plane.” he gestured towards the fighter flying straight towards them, “Shot down!”, the radio operator busied himself over the radio, desperately calling anyone. Out of the window Colonel Mordheim saw a Hydra Anti-Aircraft tank traverse it’s turret and open fire, the four barrels shaking as thousands of rounds exited them, chasing the Ork fighter across the sky.
Zagstruk lined up the Headquarters buildings in his sights, turned the dial on the joystick to select the “Supa Kaboom Rokkits”, and checked the sights once more.
He was about to pull the trigger, which would send a high explosive packed, rocket powered missile (otherwise known as a “Dustbin”) straight towards the HQ, but he had to quickly pull up as a extremely loud recorded voice came through the speakers “YOU’Z GOT A LOCK ON YOU, YOU’Z GONNA DIE NOW!” the voice then started yelling “BEEP! BEEP! BEEEP! BEEEEP! DON’T FORGET YOU’Z GOT A LOCK ONNA YOU!” Zagstruk tried to shut the voice off but couldn’t find a switch, so he pulled out his pistol and shot the speakers repeatedly until they were quiet.
Zagstruk, still remembering that there was a lock on him, flipped his plane several times to avoid the flak chasing him, he then levelled out and shouted out of the hole torn through the bottom of the cockpit “HA! I’M TOO GOOD FOR YOU, YOU COULDN’T EVEN HIT ME!” he then realized he was shouting through a hole that had been torn by a flack round “OK, I WOZ WRONG, YOU DIT HIT ME, BUT NOT THAT MUCH!” he added the last part with a small amount of pride, then he realized he was proud of being shot, so he busied himself with re-aiming the missile at the HQ. “Right den” he muttered to himself “It’s time to blow stuff up!” and he pulled the trigger. Zagstruk saw the missile’s engines light up on the wing, and then, much to Zagstruk’s bewilderment, stay there, Zagstruk then realized that the missile was jammed on the wing, and was refusing to leave, instead it was continuing as if it had been launched, it’s engines burning brightly. It was at this point that a thought struck Zagstruk, and he began muttering to himself intensely “Please be a impact fuse, not a timed one, please be a impact fuse, not a timed one, please be a impact fuse, not a timed one.” he continued, looking out across the wing as he did so.
It was a timed fuse.
Colonel Mordheim cheered as he saw the left wing on the Ork plane detonate and fly off, the body of the plane swerved wildly in the air and plunged towards the ground,
Impacting just out side the town. The radio operator turned towards the Colonel, “Sir I’m getting reports that the Orks are pulling back on all fronts Sir, we’ve won!”
Colonel Mordheim smiled to himself and muttered “Just another day at the office.”
Several miles outside town a long trench had been gouged out of the ground by what was once a plane, its wreckage now scattered across a wide area.
Amongst ruptured plates of steel a voice could be heard as it pulled itself out of the wreckage “Don’t you worry” it wheezed “I’ll be back.”
DA END
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