Water-Caste Negotiator
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A short story I thought up after reading up on some of the OTT fluff from planetstrike. Enjoy.
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The transmission was unexpected, to say the least.
It was broadcast, first as a psychic beacon that pierced the minds of every psyker and warp-sensitive individual within the system.
This, oddly, did not seem to work. The senders of the message were rather mystified.
So then, it was sent, as a more formal proposition, from a tall, sleek form in dark clothes that spoke directly to the highest offices of the planet. The air caste picked it up first, coming from a miniscule flotilla of ships, that by all rights should have no had the transmitting power (in theory) to send the message form their position in high orbit. The ethereal put in charge of the recent colony was informed, and sent his finest water caste negotiator to discuss the terms with the outsiders.
Unfortunately, the last Por’O (and most of the higher ups in the water caste) in that sector were all lost when they were sent to go negotiate with a tyranid splinter fleet. His replacement was an amateur, a mere ui; he was known in those days as Por’ui’Yel, who was at last call, still trying to figure out why the humans in his prefecture insisted on putting on funny hats and naming themselves after imperial political officers or something, all the while shooting up the local earth caste drones and each other.
He entered a massive chamber, accompanied by the Aun, and the highest ranking ministers and officials the 4 castes had to offer.
“We have come with our finest negotiator available”, declared the Aun, only serving to up the pressure on the negotiator, who was starting to realize that perhaps this whole “most critical negotiator” business was not totally suited for him, and that he should go tell the kroot to go chew on some guardsmen next time he met them, so as to get demoted.
The figure on the screen(s) began standing there it seemed to be angrily glaring at the hapless tau, and particularly at Yel.
“…” it seemed to not-say.
“Greetings, to the 3rd sphere of the tau empire” stated Yel confidently. “I am sure we can negotiate this out in a way that benefits the greater good!”
“…” the figure seemed to be getting frustrated.
“…Welcome to Sep’t Scrhew’d! We are only a small colony, currently…” Yel continued…
“…” The figure was approaching a facial gesture implying that it had not gotten quite enough fiber recently. “Say, Autarch?” A voice started from off-screen. The figure seemed to be looking past the screen now. “I think these guys can’t hear you. Congenital problem with pineal-warp receptors or something like that they all have.”
“…Oh. I see. So I am reduced to merely talking to these pathetic worms!”
Yel was confused. “Uh… So, did you want to discuss trade agreements?...” Panic began to set in. He felt he vaguely remembered who these aliens were… “Or perhaps… uh, tribute”? He said,. He now felt a hot glare on the back of his neck, from the local fire caste hotheads.
“We are representatives of the Craftworld Saim-Hann, and you occupy OUR planet, UNRIGHTFULLY, right now. You are to leave with your entire population within 24 hours, or else we, and our brothers-in-arms from Biel-Tan shall invade, and remove your tainted race from this planet, for the glory of the Craftworld.”
Ah yes, those guys, though Yel. He remembered now. He was reading about some report where one of their elite infantry formations had engaged some firewarriors. Evidently, they had shot out tiny wires that shredded whomever they touched, and then they vanished, and did the same to the orks the firewarriors were about to ambush. The remains looked like the processed meat products they sometimes shipped to the kroot. Yes, the ‘El-dor’ they called themselves... or was it ‘Eldar’? No, that’s stupid, he thought. No race would be that conceited as to call themselves that.
They liked to be treated like big shots, be remembered. And they also liked pointy hats, that too.
“Ah. Well. Uh. Er… What exactly, do you want from here?”
“Nothing we’d tell you pathetic kind.” The “autach” stated. It seemed to be smiling now.
Panic set in. Yel knew this would only have one chance of working.
“Well…uh…Ok. We can do that.”
There were a few gasps from the officials behind Yel. The figure on the screen lost it’s smile.
There was a pause that hung in the air. Then the figure regained it’s composure and spoke… “Could you repeat that last bit?”
“Well”, Yel continued, “We’d love to cooperate with you on this. In fact, we are perfectly willing to offer no military resistance whatsoever to your forces.”
The figure sat there, stunned.
“In fact, while we lack the logistics to move our entire population, we’d be perfectly happy if you were to simply assist us in moving back to the nearest colonized world in our empire! Of course you’d also need to prepare food stores for the trip, bring down personnel to help organize it, and of course provide additional ships so that we could move out of your way in a timely fashion.”
The figure sat there silently for a moment. Than it spoke: “so you mean…you’re willing to move? Really?”
“Yes, that is the idea.”
“Oh, but don’t be ridiculous! I mean.. I mean we only gave you one day!”
“Yes, but we in the tau empire greatly admire the efficiency and speed of the el-dor race.”, yel noted with a forced smile.
“But, oh… come on! You mean you AREN’T going to insist that we’re being ridiculous and aloof and that you’ll fight to the last or anything? That you WON’T go about and try to contest us militarily so we can then demonstrate our absolute domination of you on the field of battle, due to our overwhelming speed and grace?”
“Why would we do that? We are tremendous fans of the pointy-hat style here on Scrhew’d.”
The figure seemed flabbergasted. “Well…if that’s the case…you know what, let’s just call the whole thing off”, Again speaking to someone in off-screen.
“What? Why?” there was a number of protesting voices, but the figure waved its hands and hushed them down. “No, no, if they’re REALLY going to go ahead and cooperate, then it’s just not going to be sporting. I hear there’s a nearby mon-kai system where everyone’s being extra-irritable this time of the year. Well, by their concept of a year, anyways."
Yel chose this time to interject. “So…we’re ok? Wait, what about that other, uh, faction? Are they still going to invade us?”
“No, nothing of the sort, we were just going to get a bunch of guys who painted their bikes blue and have them yell about how they wished they were scorpions or whatever. You're free to stay." The figure seemed to turn, waving it’s closer hand in an annoyed manner, and then the signal shut off.
“Aun’el! A voice came from over the comms, the distinctive rasp of the air caste. “The ships have vanished!”
There was a silence in the room. Yel looked around sheepishly. He saw his Aun’el. “Well, uh…did I do good?” he asked.
“Pointy hats?”, the Aun replied.
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