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If ever there was a time for Norris jokes... now is it!
"While it is true that there is a very small sub-species of geek who are adept at assembling small figures and painting them with breath taking detail; the rest of us are basically the paste eating retards who failed art class. Because of this, what we build never even faintly resembles the picture on the box when we're done." - Coyote Sharptongue
Vin Diesel was Chuck Norris before Chuck Norris was born.
DR:70+S+G-MB-I+Pwmhd05#+D++A+++/aWD100R++T(S)DM+++ Get your own Dakka Code!
"...he could never understand the sense of a contest in which the two adversaries agreed upon the rules." Gabriel Garcia Marquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude
Golden Eyed Scout wrote:Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
This one made me Laugh out Loud
Got 40k Rules Question? Send an e-mail to Gwar! for your Confidential Rules Queries.
Please do not PM me unless really necessary. I much prefer e-mail. Need it Answered RIGHT NOW!? Ring me on Skype: "gwar.the.trolle"
Looking to play some Vassal? Ring me for a game!
Download The Unofficial FAQs by Gwar! here! (Dark Eldar Draft FAQ v1.0 released 04/Nov/2010! Download it before the Pandas eat it all!)
I am both selfish and chaotic. I value self-gratification and control; I want to have things my way, preferably now. At best, I'm entertaining and surprising; at worst, I'm hedonistic and violent.
The Manhattan Project was an attempt to recreate the force behind a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, not a nuclear weapon.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the face at the same time Mr. T punched Chuck Norris in the face. The result was the 80's.
Chuck Norris got in a knife fight once. The knife lost.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
E does not equal mc2. It equals Chuck Norris.
Small children look in their closets for the boogey man before going to bed.
The boogey man looks in his closet for Chuck Norris befoer he goes to bed.
I am both selfish and chaotic. I value self-gratification and control; I want to have things my way, preferably now. At best, I'm entertaining and surprising; at worst, I'm hedonistic and violent.
Michael J Fox can fire a hunting rifle on automatic.
Michael J Fox can see a Polaroid as soon as he touches it.
Michael J Fox can destroy small cities by opening cans of Coke.
Michael J Fox plays "Through the Fire and Flames", when he's just trying to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb".
Michael J Fox's canoe is faster than a speed boat.
Michael J Fox was the cameraman for Cloverfield.
Michael J Fox can shoot lightning from his hands like Emperor Palpatine when on shag carpet.
Michael J Fox's phone is always on vibrate.
Michael J Fox just fights zombies off with a regular saw.
Michael J Fox always makes Martinis the way James Bond likes.
Michael J Fox was in Haiti during the earthquake; he didn't notice it.
Michael J Fox did the makeup fro Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight.
Chuck Norris can kill you instantly with a roundhouse kick. Michael J Fox can kill you instantly with a handshake.
(Because of Parkinson's.)
Anuvver fing - when they do sumfing, they try to make it look like somfink else to confuse everybody. When one of them wants to lord it over the uvvers, 'e says "I'm very speshul so'z you gotta worship me", or "I know summink wot you lot don't know, so yer better lissen good". Da funny fing is, arf of 'em believe it and da over arf don't, so 'e 'as to hit 'em all anyway or run fer it.
DR:80+S(GT)G++M++B-I++Pwmhd05#+D+++A+++/sWD-R++T(Ot)DM+ How is it they live in such harmony - the billions of stars - when most men can barely go a minute without declaring war in their minds about someone they know.
- St. Thomas Aquinas
Warhammer 40K:
Alpha Legion - 15,000 pts For the Emperor!
WAAAGH! Skullhooka - 14,000 pts
Biel Tan Strikeforce - 11,000 pts
"The Eldar get no attention because the average male does not like confetti blasters, shimmer shields or sparkle lasers."
-Illeix
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris’d.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris’ favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take gak from anybody.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never f***s up.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/03/11 21:48:13
When Chuck Norris and Gwar play Warhammer, Chuck Norris plays by the rules as intended. Gwar doesn't say gak.
Anuvver fing - when they do sumfing, they try to make it look like somfink else to confuse everybody. When one of them wants to lord it over the uvvers, 'e says "I'm very speshul so'z you gotta worship me", or "I know summink wot you lot don't know, so yer better lissen good". Da funny fing is, arf of 'em believe it and da over arf don't, so 'e 'as to hit 'em all anyway or run fer it.
When Chuck Norris and Gwar play Warhammer, Chuck Norris plays by the rules as Chuck Norris intended. Gwar doesn't say gak.
Fix'd
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/03/12 01:40:08
Got 40k Rules Question? Send an e-mail to Gwar! for your Confidential Rules Queries.
Please do not PM me unless really necessary. I much prefer e-mail. Need it Answered RIGHT NOW!? Ring me on Skype: "gwar.the.trolle"
Looking to play some Vassal? Ring me for a game!
Download The Unofficial FAQs by Gwar! here! (Dark Eldar Draft FAQ v1.0 released 04/Nov/2010! Download it before the Pandas eat it all!)
Holy cow pie, I cant believe the man is 70! I watched an interview with him in it a few months ago, and he was actually saying some of his fav Chuck Norris jokes. It was hilarious. The push up one was one of his top 5
Let me assure you, Chuck Norris is still there, even in his advanced age, and can kill us all when he feels like it. I took this picture of him and then I snuck around to the back of the hotel and met him as he left. I didn't wash the hand that shook his for 3 days...
DR:80+S(GT)G++M++B-I++Pwmhd05#+D+++A+++/sWD-R++T(Ot)DM+ How is it they live in such harmony - the billions of stars - when most men can barely go a minute without declaring war in their minds about someone they know.
- St. Thomas Aquinas
Warhammer 40K:
Alpha Legion - 15,000 pts For the Emperor!
WAAAGH! Skullhooka - 14,000 pts
Biel Tan Strikeforce - 11,000 pts
"The Eldar get no attention because the average male does not like confetti blasters, shimmer shields or sparkle lasers."
-Illeix
Could you be there
251 point Khador Army
245 points Ret Army
Alpha Legion - 15,000 pts For the Emperor!
WAAAGH! Skullhooka - 14,000 pts
Biel Tan Strikeforce - 11,000 pts
Kal'reia Sept Tau - Farsight Sympathizers 
The Court of the Wolf Lords 