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Brought back from the dead!

Don't break the rules (like last time)

The first thread:
http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/259730.page

(Mods, is this okay?)

It sure won't last long if people persist in uploading their crummy pictures to the site despite repeated requests not to do so !

There is no point in this thread if you just repeat the picture which are in the last thread.

Some pictures I saved from a drawthread on /tg/.

Dreadnought trying to skate on Leman Russes while a Wraithlord laughs at him:



Necron slipping on a banana peel left by a Tau:



No description needed:



Haters gonna hate:

Kilkrazy wrote:There is no point in this thread if you just repeat the picture which are in the last thread.

Wasn't that what the last thread was though? Ok Ok moving on

DEATH89 wrote: It sure won't last long if people persist in uploading their crummy pictures to the site despite repeated requests not to do so !

*hints*

Heh, spelling fail "TOO!"

These pictures never fail to put a smile on my face

Mithbustas: funny as anything

We need some new 40k humour. I mean, seriously, we should come up with some new material instead of reusing the old stuff.

I'm not an artist though... so one of you guys get on that!

ever since I saw a thread a few days ago about the Tau being the "Anime Army", someone posted a post saying "You mean I shouldnt make my Ork warboss try to stuff a Squig in a Pokeball" I thought it would be hilarious to see an Ork done up like Ash Ketchem with a squig on his shoulder...

... though I am not an artist either.

There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.

So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.

"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."

The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."

On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.

On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass"

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.

On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".

On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"

"Sure."

wait where's the punch line?

the punch line is you took the time to read the story and expected a dramatic ending and were left hanging

the new fl"Ash" git with targeting squig is what you are looking for Slarg232


Ask not the Inquisition a question, for it will ask you 3 questions back. all of which result in excommunication.

Can we start suspending account when someone posts the Black and White marine story? The ammount of scrolling I have to do to zip past it is giving me carpal tunnel syndrome.

kronk wrote:Can we start suspending account when someone posts the Black and White marine story? The ammount of scrolling I have to do to zip past it is giving me carpal tunnel syndrome.

No kidding
Banhammer!

<insert witty 40k reference and mother comparison here>

Also, IBTL.

You know what i think is killing 40k? its the lack of space passageways or some kind of factory-like towers, if we only knew where to get them.

Whomeversayslitkoisajerk.

Who would ever say anything like that

Ice-skating that line, Orkestra. Ice-skating that line...

Kharnflakes wrote:wait where's the punch line?

It is a shaggy dog story.

Lord Harrab wrote:You know what i think is killing 40k? its the lack of space passageways or some kind of factory-like towers, if we only knew where to get them.

I believe your looking for Space Corridors and Industrial Towers by Litko Aerosystems

The small woman glanced down at her clipboard, then looked back up at the hulking figure that had finally finished adjusting itself on her poor couch. She pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes, tucking it back behind her glasses, and sighed inwardly. Being the best counsellor in the galaxy had its drawbacks sometimes. Still, the pay was good. Tapping her pen on the clipboard, she began.

“So tell me, Mr… uhm… Despoiler; where do you think your stress comes from?”

Abbadon shifted on her couch again, his terminator-armoured bulk threatening to flatten the valiant furniture. “Where doesn’t it come from,” he sighed, his voice surprisingly soft for the most feared champion of the dark gods. “I mean, there’s the gods themselves at the top of the pile: Khorne’s always teasing me that Kharn’s got more kills than I have – up-close-and-personal ones, mind, Khorne doesn’t like all this newfangled stuff like the Planet Killer – and Tzeentch never shuts up about me being so predictable. And then there’s Nurgle. Warp dammit that guy could give a daemonette weight issues. Doom this and despair that and decay the other.”

The counsellor nodded understandingly. “I can sympathyse with that,” she said. She could – her ex had gotten involved with Nurgle back in the 960’s. He had said it helped him deal with his depression, but she hadn’t believed him. Proving him wrong was one of the reasons she had taken up psychotherapy. “Is there anything… closer to home… than that, though?”

He hummed a bit. “Like the other champions?”

“If you like,” she said patiently. The trouble with megalomaniacs was that they could never really accept that someone else knew more than them. They had to be led along oh-so-carefully. Especially Tzeentchian ones – her hardest client yet had been one of Ahriman’s Cabal claiming to be bipolar (it turned out he was just suffering a mild bout of warp-induced madness and paranoia, but the sorceror would have none of it).

“Well, Ahriman’s always been a bit of a pretentious git.” (speak of the devil, thought the counsellor) Abbadon flexed the Talon of Horus, and she winced imperceptibly as it took another inch of cushioning off the arm of her couch. “He never knows when to shut up, that one doesn’t. Even Magnus doesn’t want to talk to him when he’s around, and that old cyclops could talk the pustules off Nurgle.”

“Is there anything in particular that Mr Ahriman says that has a major effect on you?” she asked, marking ‘JEALOUSY - FEELS INADEQUATE?’ on her clipboard.

Abbadon frowned. “Not really, I suppose. He’s always going on about how he would have done the Black Crusades so much better than I did, but then everyone does that there days – not that I see any of them stepping up for a go.”

“And any of the other champions of Chaos?”

“Not really. Typhus is usually off doing his own thing with the Terminus Est, which is a relief really, the guy stinks worse than Mortarion these days. Lucius is busy doing whatever it is that Lucius does down on some daemon world or another – sure, the guy heads out for a quick raid every now and then, but it’s pretty easy to distract him, all things considered.”

She nodded. “And Kharn?”

“Kharn? Kharn’s actually a pretty cool guy, once you get to know him. Gets a bit carried away every now and then, but its all part of his charm. It’s not like he doesn’t give people ample warning – he is called the betrayer, after all. No, Kharn’s never bothered me much. He comes along on most of my Crusades, and we usually end up having a good laugh.”

He leaned back. “Reminds me of this one time we were assaulting Cadia – I think it was back in M34, actually – and it ended up with just the two of us and some traitor company, the Red Rivers, I think they called them. Something to do with a river of blood or something like that, but Kharn had taken quite a shine to them. Anyway, we were stuck outside on of the Kasrs, and Kharn gets the brilliant idea to take one of the Rivers’ landers and do some aerial reconnaissance. So up we go, along with a few dozen of the Rivers to pilot the damned thing, and we see the Kasrkin all there in the main square doing some parade or other.”

Abbadon grinned. “Out of nowhere, Kharn grabs up one of the Rivers and just throws him right out of the hatch! He fell so fast he nearly exploded when he hit the ground! Turns out he hit one of the Kasrkin right on the head, got blood everywhere, and the guy’s powerpack detonates! Before I could even congratulate him or tell him we’ve got a heavy bolter strapped to the wing, Kharn’s throwing more traitors down at record speed. The Kasrkin are all scattering, and Kharn keeps hitting them.”

He chuckled. “Of course, he had to stop eventually. There was only one of the Rivers left, and we needed him to fly us back to camp, but before we turned back around, Kharn grabs my arm and tells me to look down at the Kasr. Lo and behold, all the Kasrkin Kharn had hit had left big blood and scorch marks on the ground, and he’d managed to spell out a message! Want to know what it was?”

She nodded.

“It was a haiku:

Inside your Kasr Is where we’ll be tomorrow So clean up would you?

“Let me tell you,” Abbadon said, “I about laughed my topknot off. When I managed to turn around, I saw Kharn high-fiving the pilot – afterwards I found out it put the guy in traction for two solid weeks – but when he turns to me he whispers:

“I was trying to draw a boat.”

Abbadon chuckled. “Kharn’s one swell guy. Always sees the best in things.”

The counsellor was, for the first time in her life, speechless. She just didn’t know what to say to that tale. She leaned forwards, adjusting her glasses.

“So yeah,” said Abbadon, “the stress. What was it you were asking me about ag..ain…” he trailed off as he noticed a glint in her eyes. Abruptly, he realised – the belching smoke, the grimy tracks, the slowly rotating turret-

His psychotherapist was a Leman Russ Demolisher.

Roaring, he leapt off the couch as a flurry of heavy bolter rounds tore it to shreds. Lightning wreathed the Talon of Horus, and he dropped into a crouch, cursing himself for not realising it sooner. He dodged to the side as the turret fired, sending a demolisher shell straight through the window of the office.

Abbadon lashed out with Drach’nyen. The daemonsword tore a burning gash out of the side of the tank, but it gunned its engine and accelerated away through the wall, trying to get enough range to use its weapons against him.

To replace his counsellor with a Leman Russ without him knowing could only have been pulled off by some kind of tactical genius-

“CREEEEEEED!” bellowed Abbadon as he charged after the tank. “I’ll have your head spitted on my talon! I’ll hang your guts from my armour’s spikes! I’ll-” He was cut short as a lascannon beam forced him to lurch awkwardly sideways.

“I’ll rip out your toenails and use them to eat your eyes!” he shouted, finding his rhythm again. “I’ll tear you out of your metal box and feed you to the thousand terrors of the warp! I’ll… do very nasty things to your mother!”

At this, the tank rumbled forwards, its sponsons roaring to life. Bolts thundered out at Abbadon, most going wide, but many still hammered into his armour. He forced his way through the storm and met the oncoming tank head-on, ramming Drach’nyen through the driver’s slit and feeling it bite deep into something behind it. Even as the tank’s dozer blade smashed into his shins he shouted in triumph and ripped the daemonsword upwards.

With the power of the gods of Chaos coursing through him, the tank came up with the sword, rising in an immense arc until it tore free of the blade and went crashing over his head and through three walls.

Startled heads peeked around the edges of the newly opened hole as Abbadon stalked towards the smoking remains of the tank. It had landed upside down, and had crumpled under its own weight. No man could have survived it, but Abbadon wanted to make sure.

Using the Talon as a shovel, he dug his way through the tank until he came to the crew compartment. Instead of finding the smashed and ruined body of his nemesis though… there was a note. Frowning, he picked it up.

Dear Abbadon the Despoiler, If you thought this was good, wait until you see what I did to your flagship.

Yours sincerely,

Ursakar E. Creed


“CRREEEEEEEEEEEEED!”

Cheese Elemental That might be the funnest 40k joke ever. It makes Abbadon, Kharn and Creed even more awesome. Wow that made my day.

Nice one i have to say

A Keeper of Secrets walks into a bar. The barkeep asks: why the long face?

Ork 1: KNOCK KNOCK
Ork 2: 'OO'S 'DERE?
Ork 1: WAAAGH!
Ork 2: WAAAGH!
Both: WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

So two Kroot are eating a Harlequin. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you"?
-----------
An Inquisitor has decided he needs a night out, so he invites a techpriest and space marine he's friends with and they commandeer an Imperial Guard chimera to take them around.

They get to the bar and enjoy themselves, before the Inquisitor suddenly goes quiet. The Space Marine asks what's wrong and the Inquisitor says "That Guardsman in the corner keeps looking at us. He may be a heretic". Worried that the Inquisitor is taking his work too seriously the Techpriest suggests they go to another bar, and so they do. They drive across and enjoy themselves, but this time it's only a few minutes before the inquisitor goes quiet. "It's the same fething Guardsman. He's probably a heretic sent to kill me." They look over, and sure enough the same guardsman. The Techpriest is worried but still recommends they go to one last bar. So they head over and they haven't even gotten their first drinks when the guardsman walks in the front door. Within a second the Inquisitor has jumped on the guardsman and is punching him in the face.
"WHO SENT YOU!? WHY THE FETH ARE YOU HERE!? WHO THE FETH ARE YOU!?" screams the inquisitor.
"Your Chimera driver" replies the Guardsman.
------------
So, dese t'ree boyz wuz workin' on a gargant, an' dey wuz stoppin' ta eat.

An' dey all had da same fing. Pickled squig. An' each one uv `em finks "I hate dis stuff. If I get this one more day, I'm gonna off m'self!"

An' da next day comes. Da biggest uv da boyz got da grub-boyz ta fix `im sommin' else. Da second guy, `e changed `iz mind, `cuz pickled squig ain't really that bad.

The third blew `imself up.

Da second uv da boyz looked at da first, an' said "Well, dat wuz sad."

"Why'z that?"

"`E packs `is own grub."

Cheese Elemental wrote:An Inquisitor has decided he needs a night out, so he invites a techpriest and space marine he's friends with and they commandeer an Imperial Guard chimera to take them around.

They get to the bar and enjoy themselves, before the Inquisitor suddenly goes quiet. The Space Marine asks what's wrong and the Inquisitor says "That Guardsman in the corner keeps looking at us. He may be a heretic". Worried that the Inquisitor is taking his work too seriously the Techpriest suggests they go to another bar, and so they do. They drive across and enjoy themselves, but this time it's only a few minutes before the inquisitor goes quiet. "It's the same fething Guardsman. He's probably a heretic sent to kill me." They look over, and sure enough the same guardsman. The Techpriest is worried but still recommends they go to one last bar. So they head over and they haven't even gotten their first drinks when the guardsman walks in the front door. Within a second the Inquisitor has jumped on the guardsman and is punching him in the face.
"WHO SENT YOU!? WHY THE FETH ARE YOU HERE!? WHO THE FETH ARE YOU!?" screams the inquisitor.
"Your Chimera driver" replies the Guardsman.

That was awesome.

the kroot joke is funny too


so its Abbadon's birthday and he's opening all his cards.

one says "to my favorite champion" signed Khorn. "PS: the skulls were nice"

another says "hope you feel better on this special day" signed Nurgle

the next says "you haven't changed abit since we met Handsome " signed Slannesh

the next says "you sure have changed alot since we met" signed Tzeench PS: the topknot should go for a mohawk

the last says "heres a little something for the one who made the Cadian Gate cry out for aid/open this card and get a (opens card) BANEBLADE" signed Creed