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To those that are, or were, in service, do you have any funny stories to share? You know the kind - they just wouldn't happen anywhere else, or only others in civil defense truly appreciate how comical the experience was.

Mine? I remember one night during BMQ, we were given a 5 minute fresh-air break after a particularily well-executed drill, and no one had yet told us that we could stand easy after any and all NCOs and Officers left the area. So we're all talking outside in the back parking lot, and the MCpl assigned to our weapon drills sticks his head outside the parade door. So, naturally, we call "group!" and come to attention. He says something, then ducks back in. So we're all still standing there at attention, and it's dead silent until someone lets out a long, drawn out, squeaky fart. I gotta say, NOTHING in training was as hard as supressing that laughter. I felt like I was going to burst a vein in my face the whole time.

So we're standing there, stalk still, torn between holding back gagging over the smell and laughter over the sheer hilarity of such a classic occurrance. We hear "What the are they still doing out there? I said 5 minutes!", and then the door flies open, and the Master Corporal just blinks, looks around, and says "Did you all stay like that the whole time?", to which we answered yes, and he just says "That... is... awesome."

He later got the whole story over some beers in the junior mess, and all the NCOs pretty much fell backwards out of their chairs laughing.


Anyway, that's my most notable story.

Well, that and the fact that the Lt. Colonel showed us this video during a lecture about Terrorist propaganda:





Anyway, anyone on Dakka got a good service story or two to share?

*raises hand*
Does playing Call of Duty count?

If so, this one time there was some n00b running around with akimbo shotguns and Commando Pro. That was totally unfair and he couldn't win with proper weapons.

Ask mattyrm - he has literally hundreds!

oh yes didn't he have one about firing dildo barrages out of mortar in a combat exercise

I remember plenty of rousing games of "Find the Key."

95% of the ACU uniforms used by the U.S. Army have a splotch of the dark grey color in roughly the shape of a key. The objective, once the game starts, is to locate this particular splotch and punch it.

I remember during some downtime while inte field for our final FTX, at BCT, my squad was playing find the key. One of my squadmates runs up to someone with his back to us, and punches the guy square between the shoulder blades, and screams, "Got your key!" So, the Drill Sgt. turns around, scowl on his face and his cheeks go bright red. 4 hours later this kid stumbles into our tent, uniform drenched and ripped. So, I ask the stupid question, "Did you get smoked?" He says, "for the first hour. Then it got worse..." Never could get him to tell us what "worse" was...

Second story is at Redstone arsenal, during my AIT. Redstone has a serious problem with rabid animals. Once morning after chow, I'm walking back to the barracks before class starts, and I see this racoon come out from behind the bushes, and the little fether starts bearing down on one of my battle-buddies walking towards me. My training kicks in, and I shout "ON YOUR SIX!" and haul ass past the guy towards the raccon, while he looks at me like I've lost my mind. I run at the thing, and kick it as hard as I can. It flys a good distance, and lands in the back of the Company CO's truck. I move out, not wanting to have to explain that particular incident to the chain of command.

Got a few more when I remember them better. Got some good ones involving Cow Ants and the fact that there's "No Homo in EOD."

Did a squad assault on a fixed position on a hill(training)

I was machine gunner with a mini-mi.

Shot rings out, scout drops like a stone (dead for purposes of the exercise)
The corporal leaps to the side and knocks himself out by hitting his head on a log.
The other machine gunner (we have 2 per squad) trips over a star picket that some idiot had cut off about 5cm above the ground and he twists ankle.
one of the riflemen slips and falls, dislocating his shoulder.
I hit the deck and my pack hits me in the back of the helmet, pushing it over my eyes blinding me for about 10 seconds until I can get the pack off.

We start assaulting up the hill and another rifleman twists his ankle on a rock.

15 seconds in 1 'dead', and 3 injured through our squads own severly limited coordination in moving our own bodies and the enemy called the attack off so that we could evacuate the injured.

General arrives at a training camp and decides to inspect the Galley. Chefs fall in for inspection:

General: What do you do?
Chef: Im a Chef Sir
General: Your not a Chef, Your a Cook!
Chef: Yes Sir!
(Moves down the line)
General: What do you do?
Chef: Im a Cook Sir
General: How long have you been a Cook?
Chef: About ten language ! seconds apparently Sir!

youbedead wrote:oh yes didn't he have one about firing dildo barrages out of mortar in a combat exercise

Really? He's not told me that one yet!

Oh! I left out the PT one! *Facepalm*

Okay, so, it's early December. Snow hasn't fallen yet, but it's about -18C w/o windchill when it gets dark. And the Armoury is up the hill where the University is. So -18C turns into about -20 or -22. Add black ice all over the place and you've got fun times.

It's 0500, and we're doing the usual University loop for our PT run. Now right around the new Residence building, there are some pretty brutal hills, and no one saw the black ice halfway down the hill. All of a sudden, half the platoon goes down on their faces or arses. 3 guys broke noses, one guy rolled his ankle, one broke his arm, another fractured his collar bone and last but not least, one guy ended up with a concussion. The guys behind them, having now realized there's ice there, slid into the toppled pile of guys and most of them ended up landing on boys that were already injured

So one of the Master Corporals gets all the broken ones back to the armoury, and the rest of us keep running. We get back, and the other guys have all gone off to RIH for treatment. There's only like six of us left, so we go over some drills we've already covered, and they just tell us to "Go the home", because they're not wasting time teaching a third of the platoon new material when the other two-thirds are out for the count

Where was your BMQ Metallifan? I was stuck in St.Jean in the middle of bloody winter! Cold as all hell.

We had gotten in some serious doodoo, because some idiot had forgotten some of his gear up in his room. Can you say change parade? So our rooms were up on the 6th floor, so we're getting sent up and down and up and down and up and down till we're exhausted, and I guess a guy at the top of the stairs passed out. Well, these were some narrow stairs. He falls backwards, and topples over onto the rest of us. 'lo and behold, you had the best human-version of a dominoe cascade known to man!

I went Reserve, so BMQ was done locally at the Armoury, although Vernon was a one-time visit. Thank god too. Half the platoon got rotten sandwiches in their field lunches, but ate em' anyway because, well, that's all you were getting to eat until dinner.

The bathrooms were pretty busy, though I'm sure you can imagine.

C'mon folks. I have better stories from primary school.

Well, mattyrm told a story elsewhere on this board about when he was in Iraq (iirc) and saw a dog chewing on a suicide bomber's detached cock-and-balls. The dog spat them out.

Am I weird for finding this funny? Answers on a postcard.

I remember discovering the horrors of "the windmill." Whats worse is 19 dudes doing it at the same time.

(Do jumping jacks in the nude and look down. That's the windmill.)

Commander Endova wrote:I remember discovering the horrors of "the windmill." Whats worse is 19 dudes doing it at the same time.

(Do jumping jacks in the nude and look down. That's the windmill.)

We were in Al Amarah in 2005 (Camp Abu Naji). I was attached to the KRH (King's Royal Hussars). Now the temperature in the Challenger was about 60c in the open sun. The charge packs (They act as the catalyst to fire off the shell) were only about 10c away from cooking off. Now imagine a young Trooper, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and 20 charge packs in his hands.....he got nicknamed 'Murphy' from Robo-Cop for the rest of the tour.

Same tour,same regiment. Another young lad was taking the track off a challenger, using a breaker bar to try and lever the track off. The bar slipped and somehow smashed this young lad in the face,knocking him unconcious. The track also came loose,fell off and crushed the unconcious lads toes and feet.

I am a medic.....good times.

Ouch! What happened to "Murphy?"

Also, what exactly is a Hussar?

Hussars are light cavalry, as far as I know. Many British armoured divisions retain their traditional cavalry names.

Bosh? Is that right?

Oh. Kinda like how the First Cavalry Division still wears Stetsons and Spurs even though they don't ride horsies any more.

Wow.... Everyone here who spent more then a day in the service should know how every great military story starts!

Ahem...

So No gak there I was.....

This one time... at boot camp... at Oh dark 30... I'm buffing floors as part of my nightly duties, when suddenly I hear something clunking down the hall like someone threw a cola can. I look up just in time to see the CS canister clip one of the bay doors and skid into the bay. To this day I have yet to see a finer execution of the Chinese fire drill.

This one time....at boot camp.... on the BFV off road course, they had to close a course down cause they lost a BFV. To this day I still want to know how the hell that happens.

This one time....at boot camp.... We had a guy nicknamed "the Sloth".. he was our Pvt. Pyle. He was so dumb that I bet my buddy that I could get him lost in the woods. So we are on radio watch on a land nav range, and I call him over and tell him that HQ just called down and wants him to ask our DS if he has a spare Tee-Are-Double-E (TREE) So sure enough he asks, and god bless the DS, without missing a beat he looks at him and goes "Well go to the wood line and find one stupid" and off he goes. By this time DS spots out losing our minds in the M113 and proceeds to question us... but we got off Scots free cause the site of The sloth running around the woods trying to find a tree was just too damn funny.

This one time...at boot camp.... THE GAS CHAMBER! We had a guy refuse to enter the chamber without his mask on... so I watched as a couple of DS pushed him over, grabbed his feet, and dragged him kicking and screaming into the chamber. About 5 seconds later, the back door bursts open and he comes running out of it full speed into a tree, knocking himself out. At which time he gets dragged back inside to complete his required time in.

And another time... at boot camp... I was crawling under barbed wire with live rounds flying overhead at night. Every so often, they would pop a flare, and you were supposed to freeze in place as arty simulators went off around you. Well I was low crawling my way across the field when I hit something hard. I look up and see a couple of inches in front of me the placement for the arty simulators. And sure enough a flare goes off.... yeah... fun times.

Boot Camp.... We had a habit of people falling asleep on the all metal shitters in the bathrooms. And of course the DS knew about this. So if they caught you, one of them had a stun gun and he would zap the metal stall that you were in. The current would travel through the metal and literally shock your ass awake.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Commander Endova wrote:Oh. Kinda like how the First Cavalry Division still wears Stetsons and Spurs even though they don't ride horsies any more.

Damn Straight.

I'm a 19D Cav Scout and damn proud of it. We also have our own Alt Dress uniform that we can wear. Riding boots, light blue pants with yellow leg stripes, Dark blue blouse, and if you have been awarded it, your saber.

When not wearing them, I have my gold spurs hanging from my rear view mirror in my jeep.

I was stationed at Fort Bliss and one day we go on maneuvers and the place we end up at is pretty near Trinity site (where they dropped the first A-bombs). Standing orders are no one digs around Trinity site because of lingering radiation. So of course we're ordered to dig a couple observation posts. As we finish the first I lean back, hands behind me to prop me up when I feel this sharp tug on the side of my hand.
I look down to see a small white scorpion moving away. I freak. All training of what to do when poisoned goes out the door, I run around in a panic for a few minutes. Of course being a comic book geek my mind is also registering I've been stung by a possibly radioactive scorpion.
When I calm down my hand is swollen to the size of a softball. I make my way to the medic's tent and she looks my hand over. After a minute or so she pulls out a bandaid and puts it on the sting wound and gives me a few packets of aspirin. That's it, she doesn't know what else to do for a venom sting.

Ends up they medivac in some anti-venom so I don't die (not sure if I could anyway though people say the type of scorpion that stung me was the most poisonous kind in the area). They won't take me out as I'm the only signal spec there. so I get to spend three days in a stuffy tent (at around 102 degrees) throwing up.

There was also the time I fell from a van onto a yucca plant. This is a vile plant with barbed spines. Simple sharp needles doesn't do it for the yucca, it wants to stab you and keep embedded in your flesh. Did I also mention the mild poison it has?

I truly think the desert had it in for me.

I got one more that I just remembered. It isn't one I was witness to first-hand, but I did hear about it.

A few years prior to my joining up, the Regiment did a training session in Vernon. The following Monday was April Fool's day, so a couple of NCOs decided to sneak off to a hardware store in the afternoon when they had about an hour to waste. They picked up a whole box of neon pink spraypaint, snuck into the Motorpool at night, and proceeded to spray one of the APCs in about the worst shade of hot pink imaginable. So the Regiment packs up next morning and heads home without incident. On Wednesday, everyone shows up for evening courses and the large 12 foot long sign on the front lawn of the Armoury is -missing-, and parked in the lot is the same neon pink Bradley APC with the black outline of a middle-finger spraypainted on one side

@Endova. The KRH do wear spurs, but thats were the similarities end. But most of the officers still own horses. And they prance around on them during the daily mounting of the guard. 'Murphy' if I remember lost both eyelashes,eyebrows and a full third of his hair. And he got charged by the SSM (Squadron Sergeant Major) for neglegence.

@Albatross. In the great words of Roy Walker 'It's right but its the wrong answer' Hussars are heavy cavalry. They have the Challenger II.

@Mettalifan. My Friend is a medic at the Light Dragoons. The lads stole a Scimiter (Light Armoured Recce tank) and sprayed that neon pink and left on the CO's drive....

Has anyone played 'Freckles'.......

@Bash The Bosh - Ah...that's what I was going to go with, then I checked wiki and it said 'Light Cavalry'! I thought it didn't sound right - tanks don't exactly scream 'light'!

We were all lined up for inspection when someones phone rang. However, his cellphone had a loud disgusting fart ringtone. This wouldn't have been so bad, if we werent all being inspected by the lt.col.

Luckily for us all, the lt.col couldn't keep a straight face and subdued to his natural instincts. He laughed loud and hard.

Oddly enough the COs are usualy the nicest guys around.

Im on my phone, but i will be contributing to this at length when i get in front of a keyboard. A good quick one though, we were providing Force protection at Kajaki hydroelectric dam in Helmand, and were on a patrol advancing to contact with a full company at fighting strength (100 men approx) and a local Afghan acting as interpretor (terp). Twenty minutes in, a large explosion rocked the morning silence, and the terp, standing about 30 feet in front of me vanished in dust. He had stepped on an anti personel mine and despite the fact medical assistance was almost instantly available, basically he was almost blown in half and died shortly afterwards, but the only other injuries to the company was a few bits of shrapnel (mainly bone) in the right arm and leg of the sergeant major who was standing nearest to the terp. A few of the lads quite liked the terp though, so attempting to lift their spirits i quipped 'hey, no real people browners (dead) at least eh lads?' The lads smiled but the troop sergeant sternly said 'come on Matt, its that type of attitude towards the locals that got the Russians beat' he then turned and shouted to the company storeman 'tell the QM To get some clown shoes ordered for the next fething terp!' :-)

Remember a few years back booking a holiday whilst on leave with the lads for one of their birthdays, first night in Tenerife Al gets wrecked on shots of Goldschlager, after bringing his boots up he stubled back to the hotel room and passed out. We all got back a few hours later and decided to shove a Mars bar between his bum cheeks, he was so gone he didn't even twitch. Next morning we woke up to the sounds of him shouting "oh no Gak i've Fethin' swamped myself". His sheets were covered in something sticky and brown. One of the lads wanders over wipes his finger along the sheets sniffs it, licks it and says "yep it's definately Gak" queue Al running to the bog to bring his guts up again and us in tears of laughter.

@mattyrm. LOL 'Terps never have the best of luck

@squilverine....thats howlin'

Here at the regt, 9 Sqn play freckles with the new lads. Marty (Section Full Screw) made all the new pengiuns (Non-winged paras) kneel at the bar table,with their noses level with the table surface. He then gaks on a beer mat,place another beer mat on top of that, and hits it as hard as possible with a pint glass. The young lad with the most 'freckles' had to buy the next round....

Sometimes I'm ashamed.....sometimes

Awesome stories... Makes me think of joining the army... To bad I'd die trying, girlfriends....

I love the Army..........