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It's a good story. Well thought out and enjoyable. But there are a few, weaknesses. No explanation for certain aspects and in some places badly written. Still a good read. Bookmarked.

Sabet wrote:It's a good story. Well thought out and enjoyable. But there are a few, weaknesses. No explanation for certain aspects and in some places badly written. Still a good read. Bookmarked.

Thanks for the comment (as a I always say). Could you give an example of a poorly written part just so that I could avoid doing whatever I did there in the future? Also, if I don't respond within the next 2 or 3 days it's because I've already left on my trip, not because I'm emotionally hurt. So don't feel bad.

Please post some more, LoneLictor, I have been waiting.....

ChaosLordSam wrote:Please post some more, LoneLictor, I have been waiting.....

Huzzah, it turns out someone missed it! I'm going through horrific writer's block, but I'll eventually get through it.

I like what you have going on here. Any Chaos-centric story is right up my alley. I'd like to see you continue.

Thanks for the comment. I'm going to post a new part later today or tomorrow. I just have to get past my writer's block. But I will!

I'm writing again! Training in the Warp goes horribly wrong! The Introduction of the Emperor's Children! Bane shows just how powerful he really is!

Caius examined the realm before him; a swirling mass of purple and red doted with tiny yellow light from the trillions of souls that fed it. Some were barren and alone, overall unimportant in the grand spectrum of reality. Others, especially those of psykers, were surrounded by slavering Daemons who lusted for their bodies and minds. Some Daemons slid by Caius, watching the Sorcerer but not acting against him. He knew they didn't fear him, but rather the beast before him that was Bane. Appearing as a massive Chaos Infused Dreadknight that writhed with barbed tentacles the Daemon was an impressive site. "Your move," he hissed. "Let's see if your stronger than last time after your bargain with Tzeentch."

The Sorcerer concentrated on an improved version of himself. He was taller and stronger with bat like wings and massive spiraling horns. In one hand was a Kai Gun, glowing with his own hatred, and in the other was an archaically designed powerfist. He easily transformed within seconds. "Impressive," Bane said. Without warning the Dreadknight leapt into action, swinging its massive sword at Caius' relatively tiny form. Caius rolled under the attack and fired two yellow blasts from the Kai Gun. The psychic shots blew open the Dreadknight's leg and sent it tumbling to the ground with a spray of sparks. In response Bane fired his Heavy Psycannon, or rather the closest a Daemon could create. Instead of firing shots of Negatively Chaos Infused Ammunition like it normally would the weapon instead fired Positively Chaos Infused Ammunition. A shot from the weapon decimated Caius' chest, shattering ceramite and rending flesh. Sheer psychic power from the shot further wounded the Sorcerer. Flesh melted and peeled from his crippled body. The paint was scorched off of his wrecked power armor.

Bane prepared to fire the Psycannon again, adjusting his prone form. At this point Caius would've normally accepted defeat and begged for his life. But now, empowered by Tzeentch, he knew what to do. Caius focused on the psychic energy destroying his body and controlled it. He forced it to concentrate on the palm of his powerfist and then fired it using his own natural psychic power. Bane's arm was destroyed in an explosion of gore and metal. He growled in pain and swung his sword at the Sorcerer. Caius raised his powerfist and grabbed the blade. Channeling his psychic energy through the fist he attacked the sword. Caius simply concentrated on it melting and the glowing weapon obeyed, slumping into a massive pile of molten slag. "Wow, I won," Caius said, casually repairing his previously crippled form and standing up. "Good duel. Should we go back to the physical world?"

"It does not end that easily," Bane replied. Every bleeding tentacle, sparking wire and severed cable reached out from the Dreadknight's ruined body and mobbed Caius. The Sorcerer fought back savagely, melting them with his Kai Gun and destroying them with his powerfist, but there were simply too many. A mash of cables wrapped around his Kai Gun and twisted the weapon towards his head. Two tentacles and a wire ripped the thumb off of his powerfist. A dozen wires strangled his leg. Caius tried to focus his pyschic energy into the various cables and tentacles to melt them, but there were simply too many to destroy. The Sorcerer attempted to focus on his form suddenly shifting in to that of a giant beast of raw energy that simply disintegrated every attack but such a transformation required too much concentration and mental strength to muster while under attack.

At this point a few Daemons were watching the confrontation with interest. One, which appeared as a scale covered shark saw an opening and leapt into the fray. It reared it's ugly maw at Caius and took a massive bite out of his chest, consuming a large chunk of Caius and a dozen or so tentacles and wires from Bane. The Sorcerer went limp from the sheer pain and fell to the ground. Now, instead of facing just Bane, he faced a ravenous Daemon that sought to simply devour his psychic essence and feed off of his soul. This could be the end. "Caius, leave," ordered Bane, shifting his form to that of the Emperor within a matter of seconds. Caius could barely understand him. He didn't want to move. He could barely keep his eyes open. "Leave!" barked Bane. The Shark's mouth twisted into a hidious grin and it lunged at Caius again.

Bane grabbed it mid attack and punched it's midsection. His golden powerfist impaled the Daemon, spraying the majestic form of the Emperor with blood. "Caius, leave!" Bane ordered again. The Shark suddenly changed into a massive, vaguely humanoid figure adorned with massive horns and five triple jointed limbs. It launched a frenzied series of attacks on Bane, cutting at his form wildly with a mixture of scimitars, claws and fangs. Meanwhile another Daemon, this one a Bull headed Squid, saw that Bane was distracted and took his chance. It wrapped its tentacles around Caius and unhinged its jaw as to devour the Sorcerer full. Bane leapt from the strange humanoid and grabbed the squid. Before it could react Bane flung it into the distance and spun around just in time to block a punch from the humanoid. "Caius, leave!"

At this point Caius was slightly recovered and forced himself to focus on the real world and leaving this wretched place. There was a blinding flash of light and then he was sitting on his bunk, drenched in sweat. He smelled blood. The Sorcerer looked down and saw that his physical form was intact. No bite had been taken out of his chest. And furthermore, he didn't have wings or a powerfist. He was himself. "Thank Tzeentch," he gasped. But he noticed the smell of blood. He rubbed his face and realized the corners of his eyes had been bleeding along with his nose and mouth. Evidently that Shark had taken a serious bite out of him.

He looked down and noticed that Bane wasn't glowing. The sword looked normal; just a metal blade and handle. "Bane!" screamed Caius, grabbing the sword and shaking it. "Bane! Bane!"

The sword immediately glowed again and Caius heard a familiar voice say, "Damn vultures. It was obvious that you were my pet soul, not theirs. If it wasn't for this stupid sword I'd have killed both of them. But as long as part of my essence is trapped I'll just have to do. You look terrible."

"A crazy Shark thing ate park of my soul, of course I look terrible," replied Caius. "No more training. From now on I'll just practice using psychic powers in the normal world."

"It didn't eat part of your soul. With souls its usually all or nothing. It either ate all of your soul or none of it. There are a few exceptions, like the Eldar and some other stuff, but generally they eat part of you until they eat all of you and then they've eaten your soul. At best that Shark probably just ate a sliver of your essence.," corrected Bane.

Caius paused and said, "That doesn't make any sense."

"Your world doesn't make any sense to me either."

Despite having just bleed from his eyes and faced death, Caius smiled and said, "I suppose so."



Devram Korda sat in his office, flanked by his two strongest Terminator bodyguards. There was Traianus, his Champion, armed with a Combi Melta and a Lightning Claw, and there was the insane Felix, armed with a chainfist and a heavy flamer. On the table was the wildest assortment of drugs Devram could possibly imagine. Klithian Death Liquor, Chaos Infused Hormagaunt Blood, Zinth Spice, Genetically enhanced Lard Toads, a syringe full of a bubbling red liquid and an assortment of other addictive substances. The mere smell of it was intoxicating. When Lord Commander Domitan arrived he had to be appeased. But, as usual with Emperor's Children, he was extremely late.

Felix broke the silence by asking, "Can I have some?"

"Be quiet," ordered Devram.

The Terminator bowed his helmet. Devram could tell that underneath it Felix was cursing but didn't care. The only thing he cared about was the Emperor's Children arriving. Abaddon had sent him out of the Eye of Terror with the goal of making a distraction to essentially distract soldiers from Cadia. But if he didn't muster up the forces large enough to do that, he would've ruined the mission and wasted Abaddon's time and resources. The Emperor's Children had to arrive. If not... his authority was already questioned by Caius and a growing number of his forces no longer respected him. He would be lucky if he only earned a severe demotion.

With a metallic hiss and a burst of steam the door slid open, revealing the lone form of Lord Commander Domitan. His pink and black armor was adorned with hooks, chains and icons of Slaanesh. On his back was a Doom Siren, capable of turning a simple word into a weapon of mass destruction. In one hand the Lord Commander held a shimmering black Daemon Weapon and in the other was an impressively decorated plasma pistol. But the most intimidating feature of all was Domitan's face. Most Space Marines had a swollen, bald, inhuman face that disturbed mortals. Most Chaos Space Marines somehow looked even worse. But Domitan could've been a model. As the favored of Slaanesh he was bestowed with good looks. A masculine chin, symmetrical nose, deep blue eyes and thick blonde hair made the Lord Commander somehow even more disturbing. "Greetings," he said in a deep voice, reaching out and shaking Devram's hand. "It's been such a long time we've worked together. Congratulations on escaping the Eye. I know most of us prefer it, but I personally find it too... clustered for lack of a better term."

"Agreed," replied Devram. "Come, sit down. We have the usual payment; the blessing of the Black Legion, weapons, servitors and of course this." He gestured towards the pile of drugs on the table. "Not bad, huh?"

Domitan smiled and put away his weapons as he sat down. "Not bad at all. I've brought with me a single squad of what you refer to as Noise Marines, but more are coming. Within three days I'll have seven more squads of soldiers, a predator and two Dreadnoughts. I'm certain our combined forces will gain the attention of the Imperium."

"Yes," said Devram as Domitan picked up the syringe with the bubbling red liquid. "So, umm.... does the agreement... still stand?"

Domitan shoved the needle into the pupil or his eye and pressed down on the syringe. The liquid immediately squirted inside, briefly dying his eye red. The Lord Commander smiled and exhaled violently. "Woooo!" he yelled. "This is good stuff."

"Does the agreement still stand?" asked Devram in the boldest voice he could muster.

The Emperor's Children Lord Commander turned his attention towards Devram and regarded the Black Legionnaire. "Yes," he said in a deep voice. "You assign a person you fear or just can't handle to work alongside me and I kill them and hide it as 'usual drugged out Emperor's Children hijinx.' Are you happy?"

"Don't insult me," replied Devram. "I could have you killed."

"And I could kill you right now." Traianus activated his lightning claw as Felix turned on his chainfist. The two stepped forward to flank Devram and pointed their guns at Domitan. "Come on," the Lord Commander said. "You would really protect this guy? You know, I'm willing to bet my blade is faster than your guns anyways." Domitan drew his Daemon Blade which was now glowing extremely vibrantly. "Wanna find out?"

Devram stood up from his seat and simply stared at the Lord Commander before him. He saw Traianus twitch with fear and couldn't help but notice he was doing the same. "Don't," said Domitan. "Feth with me."

Traianus and Felix deactivated their weapons in fear and stepped back, leaving Devram alone. Lord Commander Domitan sneered. "I'll work with you for now Devram. But you better watch your back. One day Abaddon's going to decide your not his favorite anymore." And with that comment the Commander of the 14th Company left the room.

Very good! As usual

Thanks for the comment Lord of Caliban/ChaosLordSam! As I've said earlier, every comment is encouraging. Also, you need to continue your Black Templar story; it had a really interesting premise. So this part of the story is going to be a really talky one and the next part will be a really fighty one that Devram and Kaglar don't appear in. The end of the overall story is in sight. I'd say it'll be done in 4 to 8 entries.

In one day Caius was to meet with Lord Commander Domitan and see his newfound forces that he "inherited" from Heron. Until then he waited nervously in his room, wondering if Tzeentch was really going to save him or if he had fulfilled his role in Tzeentch's schemes and was no longer necessary. "Cheer up," Bane said. "There's no point in debating fate. The Deciever, Tzeentch and the Laughing God are all competing over the course of reality. Nurgle sometimes mucks things up and Slaanesh on rare occasions seduces things it isn't supposed to. In addition the Emperor was a former contender for the plot of reality and some of his schemes are still coming to fruition, even if hes mostly dead. And don't forget about Alpharius and Omegon. Honestly fate is too complicated to understand and you mortals just hurt your brains if you try to guess it or get scared about it."

"Why did a Sorcerer imprison you in a sword?" asked Caius.

Bane paused and said, "That's unrelated to the subject at hand."

"I'm curious. From what you've said it doesn't seem like the Sorcerer really used you, so why did he do it?"

The Daemon sighed, or did the closest thing a sword telepathically communicating with a human could. "He was Zry'tec'thni'chef, Supreme Sorcerer of the Twisted Void. He was utterly devoted to Tzeentch and had gained extreme power from his deals with the God of Change. He sought Daemon Princedom and believed that if he could imprison Nurgle within a block of Warpstone he would easily gain Princedom and unlimited power. After all, he would've disposed of Tzeentch's greatest direct rival. I was the closest powerful Daemon to him so he decided to summon me to test his ability to enslave Daemons. At first I thought I would be entering one of thousands of battles against the Imperium as usual, but when I saw I was in a lab I knew something was wrong. We entered a battle of raw psychic power. For a time I was winning, but some powerful entity intervened. I'd estimate it was a Changer of Ways. I was defeated and cast into a warpstone sword, part of my essence trapped in the sword like an anchor. The handle wasn't warpstone however so I could reach out a little bit through it via stretching my form for lack of a better term. I figured out I could communicate with however held me, even sometimes controlling them or enhancing psychic powers, as I've done with you."

"What happened to Zryterthinkef or whatever his name was? I mean regarding his experiments and stuff."

"Well, he got pretty close to finding a way to capture Nurgle, but then he got sick and died. Probably not a coincidence," Bane said. "Alright, now it's my turn to ask an annoying question. Why did you turn to Chaos and forsake the so called God Emperor?"

"I was born to a rich family. My father was the Governor of some Hive City. They always taught me about the kindness and power of the Emperor. When I got recruited into the Space Marines, or more specific the Golden Talon Chapter, they further instilled those beliefs. In my very first battle as a Scout I fought some Traitor Guardsmen and we killed them all easily. Now I believed that Space Marines were even more powerful, despite the fact that we outnumbered the tired and battered Guardsmen who barely had a chance. I became a full fledged Space Marine and was about to start training to become a Librarian. In my second battle we fought these metal skeletons called Necrons."

"Go on," Bane said. "I am intrigued. Well, not really, but it sounds like its going to get interesting."

"Shut up. Anyways, they slaughtered us. Those Gauss Beams were unstoppable and the Necrons even moreso. It seemed like when we killed them they'd repair if there was the slightest bit of intact metal left. The only ones I didn't see get up had been killed by meltas, lascannons and powerfists. My squad was getting slaughtered. The Sarge was blown in half and I did the unspeakable for a Space Marine; I fled. I wondered along in the wilderness of a tomb planet for five days. In my desperation I begged for Chaos to save me. It did. A splinter force of the Black Legion, on crusade, arrived one hour later and I was recruited. I later joined this much larger force."



Devram stepped into Kaglar's laboratory alone. His Terminators were temporarily off duty after their cowardice and Elpidius had been dead for days at this point. The Sorcerer was busy pouring potions and stitching up a strange, tentacled creature that had been cleft in two. Kaglar failed to notice him and when Devram said, "Greetings" the Sorcerer leapt in surprise and grabbed his force weapon. "I'm not here to kill you. Now put the weapon down," Devram ordered.

"Of course," stammered Kaglar, dropping his sword and stepping away from the hideous creature on the table. "Umm, greetings Lord Korda."

"My judgement may have been incorrect when I demoted you, seeing as I was later unable to handle Caius myself. I may be impatient and hostile, but I am not a hypocrite. You will assist Lord Commander Domitan with Caius' death. It isn't a coincidence that every Commander that works with him dies. It's part of an agreement we've had for centuries," Devram said. "Once Caius dies you will be reassigned to your former position. Also, you are to do anything Domitan orders. Now, what is that hideous thing that you're working on?"

"Its my apprentice. He's been far too mutated to accept a geneseed or be implanted with a black carapace, but he's intellect and sheer psychic power make up for it. Beyond Caius, myself and the navigator, he's the only psychic on the ship. He was cleft in half by Caius," Kaglar replied. "And thank you my Lord. You will not displeased. Caius will die!"

"Good, now it appears you have your own motive for killing Caius besides my orders," the Lord said.

Parts of this are pretty good and it is full of good ideas. My only criticisms are that the dialogue is kinda bizarre and the character seems to be more of a teenage dropout than a deadly marine.

The daemon blade talks like somekind of stoner dude. Now i like 'colloquial' dialogue and even write it but only when appropriate. Also there is often too much, bear in mind that dialogue is my most frequent criticism of people's work, probably because i like to avoid it in my own writing.

Perkustin wrote:Parts of this are pretty good and it is full of good ideas. My only criticisms are that the dialogue is kinda bizarre and the character seems to be more of a teenage dropout than a deadly marine.

The daemon blade talks like somekind of stoner dude. Now i like 'colloquial' dialogue and even write it but only when appropriate. Also there is often too much, bear in mind that dialogue is my most frequent criticism of people's work, probably because i like to avoid it in my own writing.

Yeah, the dialogue is kind of my weakness. I'll work on that in future parts. Thanks for the comment!

However, I was trying to make the main character seem like an inexperienced loser, though I wasn't aiming for the teenager part. He was pysker Space Marine born to a rich family; essentially extremely lucky and he wasted it. I actually started this story because I was sick of every 40k story having an epic, smart and powerful hero. I wanted a loser who becomes a slave to an extremely casual and pragmatic Daemon and ends up getting drawn into extremely complex and dangerous intrigue.

Ahh, now you explain i kinda see. Sorry for missing that.

Actually, I am working on it right now

Yeah, but you were stiill right about the dialogue part Perkustin. Also I've started to read your fanfic since you've taken the time to read mine. It's a bit long so I'll probably finish it and comment on it tomorrow or the day after that. And Lord of Caliban, I commented on your story in the appropriate thread.

You say that the Warp only leads to Ruin. Yet you fail to mention that the Warp is but a pale reflection of our world. If it leads to ruin, does ours not too?"

~The Arch Heretic Tytheed Komyn at his Execution

Caius walked down the dark hallway, Bane at his side. Cultists stopped to stare and other Marines moved out of his way. News of his encounter with Devram had gotten out and the message was now clear; do not mess with this Sorcerer. For once Caius strolled with confidence. He stopped in front of a circular door and opened it simply with his mind. The Sorcerer stepped inside the hanger and suddenly all of his confidence was lost. "Show no fear," ordered Bane. "This encounter matters more than you could possibly imagine."

"Greetings," said the handsome figure before him. Lord Commander Domitan was at least five inches taller than Caius, which was strange considering most Space Marines were the same size. He was also well armed and incredibly good looking. "We'll be working together on the Assault of Xentex VI's capital, as to draw the attention of Imperials."

"Yes," replied Caius. "I know our mission. Now please excuse me, I have to survey my recently gained troops."

"New commander?" asked Domitan.

"No," lied Caius. "My previous troops were slain on the fields of Cadia. Our fleet has gone in combat since then, so only now am I greeting these soldiers."

The Lord Commander grinned and said, "Cadia is quite the blood bath now. Abaddon's gained control of the majority of its surface, but the Imperial dogs refuse to give way in the skies. Oh well. We've waited 10 millennium for vengeance, we can wait a few more years. I'll go survey those troops with you."

"Ummm, okay," replied Caius, unnerved by Domitan's friendliness. Something seemed off about him. It already wasn't typical for Chaos Space Marines to be friendly or good looking, and especially with Emperor's Children. Caius had once seen a bald, swollen Noise Marine with tubes connecting to his spine in favor of eyes and hot pink armor. The strange sight had stuck with him for a long time. "They're just over there."

The two Commanders walked silently over to the thirty one amassed Chaos Space Marines. They were split into two squads, of fifth-teen and sixteen respectively. Each contained a heavy bolter, melta gun and Sergeant armed with a power sword, along with the usual bolters, chainswords and grenades. A few of the soldiers were mutated, but most were untainted. "Greetings," said Caius. "I am your new Commander. Unfortunately, your previous Commander, Lord Heron fell to my blade. The upcoming combat is simply meant to distract forces from Cadia, rather than win. As a result, most of you will die. We are also working with the Emperor's Children. They will be providing the majority of forces in this assault. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir!" they yelled out in unison. The Black Legion was unusually organized for the Traitor Legions and Caius found this extremely apparent as he addressed his troops.

"Impressive," said Domitan. "How loyal were they to their previous commander?"

"Extremely," answered Caius. "When I first killed him Sergeant Vibianus attempted to kill me. It ended badly for him."

"That's something to think about."

"What?" asked Caius.

Domitan, no longer smiling said, "Where their loyalties really lie. Be careful." The Lord Commander turned away and walked off towards his own troops.

"He's just playing games with you and trying to gauge your power," said Bane. "Ignore it."

I was going to write more and get to the point where they're fighting on Xentex VI, but I don't have time. I'll try to add in another entry later today.

Please do!

For a moment Caius stood in front of his newfound troops in silence. He checked his Internal Chronometer; Three minutes until the assault would begin. Normally as a Space Marine a Chaplain or particularly angry Commander would shout about how the enemies were evil and the Space Marines would defeat them all. But as a Commander of a group of troops he had scarcely met before, he was unsure of what to do. Finally he asked, "Which one of you is my new second in command?"

"I am," replied a Sergeant with a power sword, stepping forward from the formation of Marines. "Sergeant Doomclaw at your service."

Caius examined the Marine and said, "No offense, but that's a terrible name. Now, Doomclaw, tell me what Lord Heron usually did before a battle before he met his untimely demise?"

"Heron would speak of the Black Crusades and the Black Legions accomplishments. He would fan our burning hatred and growl prayers to the Chaos Gods," answered Doomclaw. "And Commander, if I may say, the name Doomclaw was gifted to me by the Daemon Prince Dar'leth after a crushed a man's face with my bare hands."

"Alright, thank you for the informative answer Sergeant Doomclaw. You may step back into formation," said Caius. "Now, ahem. I'm going to make a speech."

The Daemon Blade glowed especially vibrantly for a moment and hissed, "What are doing? As far as I'm aware you don't have a speech planned."

"I'm cementing myself as the new Commander," whispered Caius. "I'll improve. You know; make it up as I go along. I just need to use a lot of buzzwords."

"Excuse me Commander," said one Chaos Space Marine with a strange claw in favor of a left leg. "I didn't hear you."

"It's been a long war. It hasn't been easy on any of us. We've all faced our own challenges. There was the Titan Charge in the 1st Black Crusade. The Artillery Barrage of the 9th Black Crusade. The Webway Assault of the 12th Black Crusade. But you know what? Chaos is going to win," said Caius. "We slaughtered the Blood Angels on Mackan. We destroyed the Citadel of Kromarch! We took-" Caius was suddenly interrupted by a series of blaring alarms and flashing red lights. The Chaos Space Marines immediately left formation and rushed toward the Dreadclaw Drop Pods. "What's happening?" asked Caius, grabbing Doomclaw by the shoulder.

"You should know!" yelled Doomclaw over the alarms. "It's time to launch! We're assaulting Kry, Capital Xentex VI! Time to go!"

Caius muttered, "Oh," feeling quite stupid. He immediately began running over to the Dreadclaw Drop Pods alongside his soldiers. Ten soldiers went into each of the first three Dreadclaws. The very last, fourth Dreadclaw only contained two Marines; Caius and Doomclaw, who had stopped to talk and thus were the last to reach them. "Now what?" asked Caius as the alarms continued to blare and the other three Dreadclaws launched.

"You're showing weakness again. Couldn't you find a way to command these soldiers without looking like an idiot?" insulted Bane.

"First you seal the door!" shouted Doomclaw, pulling the hatch doors shut and locking them. "Next you activate the Dreadclaw and the machine spirit will do the rest! Hang on tight! The machine spirit is kind of crazy! Sometimes it'll open the doors and you risk getting jettisoned! Other times it'll just refuse to slow down and kill you when it hits the ground!"

"Can't we steal some loyalist Drop Pods?" Caius yelled as Doomclaw entered in a code on a control panel and pushed a button. Suddenly the Dreadclaw unhinged itself from the Hanger and began to plummet. The Dreadclaw shook violently as it attempted to stabilize itself during the perilous fall. Suddenly the artificial gravity failed, pressing Doomclaw and Caius against the ceiling. "Does this always happen?" Caius asked, adding to his massive list of questions. "No," squeaked Doomclaw. "This isn't good."

Just as quickly as it failed the artificial gravity came back on line, letting Caius and Doomclaw fall to the floor with a loud thump. "These aren't safe," groaned Caius, trying to make his way to one of the safety handles on the side of the walls. Just as he was about to reach it the ship randomly shifted and sent Caius flying into a wall. His helmet barely protected him from a broken nose. The Sorcerer reached for another safety handle and managed to grab it. He turned to see Doomclaw stumbling around in the center of the Dreadclaw, dazed and confused. Once again the vehicle shifted and Doomclaw was sent flying into the wall headfirst. The impact was violent enough to dent his already battered helmet. Doomclaw fell to the floor, dead. "Tzeentch!" screamed Caius in shock, holding onto the safety handle with both hands. "There, now no one will no of your stupidity," said Bane.

"He's dead!" screamed Caius. "Doomclaw was just trying to help me be the new Commander and now he's dead!"

"Caius, do you think he would've remained loyal to you? You acted like an ignorant child, dependent on him for help," replied Bane. "This, though horrific, is for the best."

The Dreadclaw violently stopped, almost causing Caius to let go of the safety handles. It's rusty door popped in, revealing a crumbling cityscape. In front of the Dreadclaw were others with Caius' soldiers pouring from them and screaming bloody praise to Chaos. Across from them were at least fifty Loyalists of the Black Sword Chapter led by a Librarian. Extremely loud Noise Marines were pouring in behind the Loyalists to flank them but the Space Marines were prepared. They had settled into a defensive position, using the cover of the decimated buildings to hide from the assorted bolters and sonic weapons. "What do we do?" asked Caius. "They're too defended and its obvious they're going to or have already called for reinforcements. After all, that's the point of this attack."

"There's only one way to quickly eradicate a foe this entrenched before reinforcements," replied Bane. "Though it may be risky its also effective. A bloody, clumsy, poorly thought out charge. What are you waiting for?"

"Charge!" bellowed Caius, grabbing Bane with a two handed grip and running at the enemy defenses. "Charge!" he screamed again, making his orders clear to his troops. They obeyed, unsheathing chain swords and loading bolt pistols. "For Chaos and Glory!" Caius yelled, attempting to motivate his soldiers. "Charge!" He ran into the line of enemy fire alongside a dozen other Black Legionnaires. Thousands of bolter shells covered the ground as the Loyalists attempted to halt the attack with sheer fire power. A Marine next to Caius was shot in the throat with a sudden gush of blood and fell to the ground. Another was hit in the chest by two rounds and stumbled randomly until he finally collapsed and died. One poor helmetless Black Legionnaire was shot through the eye. He died quickly, but managed to let out a high pitched scream before hand. A shot hit Caius in the chest but thankfully failed to penetrate his armor. However the next bolt to hit Caius did just that.

It hit the thinly armored abdomen region next to a series of exposed cabling. The bolt managed to shattered the ceramite and break its way inside Caius' gut. Then, as all bolts did, it exploded, sending shrapnel into the Sorcerer's assorted digestive organs and lungs. Caius fell to his knees, coughing and groaning. Some blood drizzled out of his mouth and dripped onto the dusty cement bellow him. He gasped for air and felt as though he could barely breath. "Get up," ordered Bane as Marines rushed past Caius into the line of fire. Some were beginning to turn back now, realizing how dangerous the assault was for both side. "Can't," gargled Caius. He coughed up more blood and felt his ruined abdomen. "You are an esteemed Sorcerer of the Black Legion, Chosen of Tzeentch and User of Bane. You slew the Plague Lord Ebolias and the Warrior Elpidius. Stand up."

Caius forced himself to stand and slowly breathed in. "Good," said Bane. "Now, you are going to order your men to charge once again and kill any who disobey. And then you will join the charge yourself and the loyalists will pay. Do it."

"Charge!" bellowed Caius at the top of his lungs, his voice echoing across the battlefield. A light spray of blood came from his mouth but he didn't care. The Sorcerer reached out his hand and obliterated one of the fleeing Warriors with a bolt a of lightning. He turned towards another fleeing Marine. and ran at him, swinging Bane wildly. The Black Legionnaire didn't stand a chance and was quickly decapitated. "Anyone else?" asked Caius. "Charge!"

And with that Caius ran at the Loyalists once again with his men doing the same. Once again the Loyalists launched a volley of fire at the assault, but the Emperor's Children took advantage of the lack of firepower their own way and started their own charge. The overwhelmed Black Sword Librarian was frantically calling for some of the squads to divert fire to the Emperor's Children in an attempt to hold the drug fulled warriors off as well. "Death to the False Emperor!" yelled Caius, caught up in the frenzy of battle. "Death to the False Emperor! Death to the False Emperor!" His soldiers were joining in and Caius felt further empowered. Finally, he reached the enemy.

The Sorcerer fired a lightning bolt into a group of Veterans, destroying one of them, before leaping over a broken section of wall into them. "Death to the False Emperor!" he yelled, impaling one of the Black Sword Marines on his sword. He laughed venomously and swung around to face the other four. One fired a glowing Meltagun at Caius but barely missed and hit the wall instead. It was instantly vaporized. The Veteran Sergeant activated a lightning claw and slashed at the Sorcerer but Bane blocked it and sent a surge of energy into the weapon, causing the glowing claws to melt into slag. The other two Veterans tried to rush Caius, one firing a frenzy of bolter shots while the other swung a power weapon. Caught in melee with the Sergeant the Sorcerer was unable to dodge. A bolter shot penetrated his shin armor and exploded, damaging the muscle and bone. Meanwhile the power sword slashed across his chest, further wounding his lungs.

Just as all seemed lost a squad of six Black Legionnaires charged the Veterans. "Protect the Sorcerer!" ordered the Sergeant, slaying a Veteran with his power axe. "And Death to the False Emperor!" Caius reached out his hand and sent a blast of raw warp energy into the disarmed Loyalist Sergeant and watched his body mutate and morph until it was simply a shrieking mass of muscle and talons. "Kill them all!" hissed Bane. "Charge! Slay them all! I thirst for blood! I demand blood!"

The Sorcerer obeyed. He ran on a broken leg and breathed on a collapsed lung, charging into a squad of hapless Scouts. There was no need for reinforcements this time; he could kill these Neopytes on his own. Their cumbersome Sniper Rifles were useless against him in frenzied melee. Each one was easily downed by Bane, the sword glowing more vibrantly than ever before. One was bisected, another decapitated and a third impaled. It was madness. Caius was soaked in blood and could scarcely tell what was going on in the overall battle. It was a simply a claustrophobic mess. But he didn't care. After countless years of being a weakling he was powerful. He was no longer cannon fodder or a plaything. He was a Sorcerer of the Black Legion, a Chosen of Tzeentch and he was God. "Death to the False Emperor!" he screamed.

It's fun to write for Caius going out of control and getting high on his own power. The battle will continue in the next entry, which will either come tomorrow or the day after tomorrow depending on how much I feel like writing. Comments are appreciated. Oh yeah and I have a question for you readers; what do you think of Domitan and Devram? Cause I pretty much have a vague plan for the rest of the story but I'm wondering how important they should be to it. Are the parts about them annoying and poorly written or are they an interesting break from Caius and Bane?

Looking good!

Sabet wrote:Looking good!

Thanks for the comment. As I've said earlier, even the slightest comment encourages me!

However my latest entry probably wasn't as the same quality as the others considering the Lord of Caliban (who normally comments on every entry) didn't comment and EagleArk (who posted he was looking forward to this entry) didn't comment. I'll try to make next one, which I'll post later today, better.

.

Im sorry, i was very busy last night and didnt have time to really check dakka. I loved it, but this bit confueses me.

LoneLictor wrote:Just as quickly as it failed the artificial gravity came back on line, letting Caius and Doomclaw fall to the floor with a loud thump. "These aren't safe," groaned Caius, trying to make his way to one of the safety handles on the side of the walls. Just as he was about to reach it the ship randomly shifted and sent Caius flying into a wall. His helmet barely protected him from a broken nose. The Sorcerer reached for another safety handle and managed to grab it. He turned to see Doomclaw stumbling around in the center of the Dreadclaw, dazed and confused. Once again the vehicle shifted and Doomclaw was sent flying into the wall headfirst. The impact was violent enough to dent his already battered helmet. Doomclaw fell to the floor, dead. "Tzeentch!" screamed Caius in shock, holding onto the safety handle with both hands. "There, now no one will no of your stupidity," said Bane.

The first bit reads that caius nearly gets a broken nose, but then doomclaw dents his allread battered helmet, to me the first thing i thought was that caius was the one denting his helmet, anyway, there are pieces of genius in the piece, such as that piece of dialouge from bane. Well done!

EagleArk wrote:Im sorry, i was very busy last night and didnt have time to really check dakka. I loved it, but this bit confueses me.

LoneLictor wrote:Just as quickly as it failed the artificial gravity came back on line, letting Caius and Doomclaw fall to the floor with a loud thump. "These aren't safe," groaned Caius, trying to make his way to one of the safety handles on the side of the walls. Just as he was about to reach it the ship randomly shifted and sent Caius flying into a wall. His helmet barely protected him from a broken nose. The Sorcerer reached for another safety handle and managed to grab it. He turned to see Doomclaw stumbling around in the center of the Dreadclaw, dazed and confused. Once again the vehicle shifted and Doomclaw was sent flying into the wall headfirst. The impact was violent enough to dent his already battered helmet. Doomclaw fell to the floor, dead. "Tzeentch!" screamed Caius in shock, holding onto the safety handle with both hands. "There, now no one will no of your stupidity," said Bane.

The first bit reads that caius nearly gets a broken nose, but then doomclaw dents his allread battered helmet, to me the first thing i thought was that caius was the one denting his helmet, anyway, there are pieces of genius in the piece, such as that piece of dialouge from bane. Well done!

Thanks. I assume your referring to the part where Caius is shot and Bane forces him to keep fighting. Also I'll start editting my entries more throughly so there are less confusing parts like that.

So, I apparently lied about how I was going to post another entry yesterday, but I'm 99% certain I'm not lying when I say I'll post a new entry today.

looking foward to the next installment. will it depict the battle between caius and domitan?

Sabet wrote:looking foward to the next installment. will it depict the battle between caius and domitan?

I think Caius and Domitan will finally enter a confrontation in 1 to 3 entries depending on how much I write. I'm going to write a new entry as so I was get through my writer's block.

Domitan surveyed the battlefield with a grin. His Noise Marines were posistioned in key locations behind cover and atop buildings, firing down at the Loyalists with their lethal music. The Sorcerer's reckless charge had broken the Black Sword Position and given Domitan's men a huge advantage. Though the Black Swords had refused to retreat, like all Loyalists would, they had been forced out of their cover and into the open streets. The only clear threat remained the Librarian who, along with his Command Squad and Company Champion, had remained behind cover and decimated Black Legionnaires with ranged and psychic attacks. Nevertheless Domitan was confident that the Sorcerer would handle him and he didn't intervene. "Now would be a good time to kill him," said Kaglar, pointing at Caius. The Sorcerer looked like a tiny spec from atop the sky scraper.

"What?" asked Domitan, turning towards Kaglar.

"He's out in the open chasing around scouts. Order your Noise Marines to focus their Sonic Weaponry on him and that will be the end of that. You can tell his soldiers he was killed by friendly fire or something else equally idiotic."

The Lord Commander scowled and said, "There's no point in killing him so... tastelessly. This universe is essentially a string of sensual experiences and to pass down certain sensual experiences would be a disgrace. It has been a long time since I've been in a thrilling fight. In fact, I almost killed Devram just to see how much he would try to save his own skin. But Caius is a powerful psyker and a skilled swordsman. I want to best him in man to man combat and I want to make him hurt."

"This may be a game for you Domitan, but it isn't for me. My rank is on the line. If you wanted to do things the inefficient way you shouldn't have agreed to work with the Black Legion," Kaglar boomed. "Kill him now."

Domitan pivoted on his heel as to face Kaglar directly and grabbed the Sorcerer's neck. "I was not aware you were in command of the mission," Domitan hissed, tightening his grip. "But if you would like to wager it, you gladly can. Would you bet your life on it?"

"You're...." choked out Kaglar. "...insane."

"We do this my way. Do you understand?"

Kaglar paused, but as Domitan tightened the grip further he said, "Yes!"

The Lord Commander dropped Kaglar, letting the Sorcerer fall limp. "Good. We don't kill Caius now, but soon. His days are numbered."



Caius roared, slashing across a Marine's chest with Bane. Another Marine tried to attack his left flank but the Sorcerer dodged his attack and impaled his bald head. He heard the sword cackle; it was evident that Bane enjoyed the carnage. One Marine with a plasma gun aimed it at the Sorcerer, but Caius easily disintegrated the weapon and the Marine with his mind. A Marine Sergeant, armed with a power mace, charged towards Caius, intent on ending the Sorcerer's life. In response Bane briefly took control of Caius and ducked under the weapon and then cleft the Marine in half with an uppercut attack. Caius let Bane possess him. He was too high on bloodlust to care.

When Bane gave control back to Caius, the Sorcerer searched for a new target. The battlefield was running dry with both sides having taken heavy causalities but Caius saw one; the Librarian. He and his Command Squad were hiding in the wrecked corner of a factory near surrounded by piles of rubble and corpses. Even in the Sorcerer's bloodlust, he still knew he couldn't hope to face the Command Squad alone. After the incident with the Veterans he had begun to realize he wasn't quite as invincible as he thought he was. "Men!" he yelled. "Kill the Librarian! Make him suffer!"

And with that comment Caius charged, running at the Librarian and screaming death to the Imperium. A lascannon barely missed him but he didn't care. Eight or so Chaos Space Marines were obeying Caius' orders and running at the Command Squad. The Librarian reached out with his hand towards two incoming Legionnaires. Bolts of lightning leapt from his armored gauntlet and onto the heretics. One Marine was entirely incinerated and another horribly burned. "Codicier Severianus," said a Marine. "Two ships, the Geryon and the Redemption, have responded to our distress signal and exciting Cadia's orbit."

Caius noted that the mission was already a success, distracting important soldiers from Cadia. But the true victory was yet to come. "Severianus!" screamed Caius, trying to get the Librarians's attention. He leapt off of a pile of rubble at the group, Bane readied. For a moment Caius thought the Librarian would be too slow, but at the last second he swiveled around and brought his force sword up as to block the attack. Bane hit the forcesword with a resounding clank, sending both Caius and his sword tumbling backwards. The Sorcerer fell prone atop a pile of corpses and shattered bricks. Without hesitation the Severianus reversed the grip on his force sword and brought it down towards Caius. Caius tucked his limbs in and rolled, just barely missing the weapon. "Fight off the Traitor Legionnaires!" yelled the Librarian, risking a glance back at his own men. "I'll kill the Sorcerer myself!"

Caius leapt to his feet and roared as he charged at Severianus once again. This time he was prepared though. He launched a weak, quick psychic attack to distract the Librarian while he moved in for the kill. Severianus easily blocked the attack and suddenly found Caius directly in front of him with his sword raised. He blocked the weapon with his own sword and the duel began. Caius was a mass whirl wind of biting steel, lashing out wildly and attacking from every angle. However Severianus was disciplined and well trained, knowing how to supplement his own attacks and parries with easy psychic boosts that required little concentration.

"Kill him!" growled Bane, helping Caius and empowering the Sorcerer's own attacks with raw psychic energy.

Suddenly the Librarian switched from a two handed grip to a one handed one and grabbed Bane with his spare arm. With his other arm Severianus swung at Caius, forcing the Sorcerer to let go of Bane in order to jump away and save his skin. This wasn't good.



He felt the delectable blood and soul essence, devouring it ravenously. When he had first joined Caius in what felt like a long time ago, this had been the chief item he had asked as for payment. It was finally supplied. Bane noted he was now seeing from a different perspective and realized that he was looking at the tumbling, prone form of Caius. The pathetic Sorcerer must have let go of him. But that left the question of whose eyes he was seeing from and by extension who was holding him. Oh dear. Without hesitation Bane launched into a mad attack, using every unchained part of his psychic essence to attack the Librarian's mind. "I am Prince Venombane the Eternal and I am your doom!" he roared at the climax of the attack, ripping into the Librarian's soul. The Librarian fought back, pummeling at the Daemon with a rapid set of psychic blows. Each was too fast and powerful to dodge or ignore. He tried to get around them so he could once again attack the soul, but was hit back once again.

Now he was pushed inside the sword and the Librarian was coming through the hilt, deadset on his destruction. But in the claustrophobic space Severianus had little room for his massive, unwieldy attacks he had been using Bane tried to capitalize on this by launching a sudden flurry of feints, slashes and stabs, determined to weaken him down. Instead he was grabbed by his metaphorical throat with a sudden grapple and pushed against the warpstone walls of his sword. "Die wretched Daemon!" yelled a towering voice. And it appeared he just might be forced to obey.



Caius searched his armor for his forcesword; it had to be somewhere. The Sorcerer hoped he hadn't lost it in the battle or even forgotten to bring it in the first place. "Come on!" he yelled, now searching the rubble covered ground. He glanced at the Librarian; he was standing deathly still with Bane in his grip. The sword wasn't glowing very brightly anymore. Now it was a faint, vaguely purple glow that flickered occasionally. That wasn't good at all. The Sorcerer realized he had to act quickly. He fired a vibrant lightning bolt at the Librarian, who tensed his muscles briefly and managed to block it. During that half second Bane glowed bright red again, but as soon as it was over he immediately flickered and started to dim again.

He remembered a quote from his father. "A good friend is worth dying for." Caius wasn't quite sure if a Daemon that was probably manipulating him just to escape a sword counted as a friend, but he sure felt like one. He took a deep breath and screamed, "Death to the False Emperor!" With that comment Caius charged at Severianus for the third time in the fight, now unarmed and demoralized but no less ferocious. He leapt onto the Librarian and tackled him, sending the two off them plummeting to the ground in a heap of bricks. Severianus growled from the impact and dropping Bane, while maneuvering his forcesword. He stabbed it at Caius, impaling the Sorcerer's abdomen on the glowing weapon. Now all the Librarian needed to was focus his psychic energy on the wound and that would be that.

Caius, fueled by pure adrenaline and raw psychic power, saw things differently. He channeled his own psychic energy through the sword and sent it directly into the Librarian's arm. The arm crackled with lightning and writhed with mutations before exploding in small shower of gore and warpflame. Caius grabbed Bane and shoved the Daemon Sword into Severianus' throat. As the Librarian finally died, Caius crawled off of the Librarian and fell limp onto the ground. Having been shot by a bolter, slashed by a power sword, shot by another bolter and now impaled by a forcesword, Caius didn't feel so good. "Thanks," casually said Bane, easily recovering from the ordeal. "For once you saved me from death, rather than vice versa." Caius threw up a sticky mixture of vomit and blood and then fell unconscious.

LoneLictor wrote:Caius through up a sticky mixture of vomit and blood and then fell unconscious.

might want to fix that...

Sabet wrote:

LoneLictor wrote:Caius through up a sticky mixture of vomit and blood and then fell unconscious.

might want to fix that...

Thanks, I must've missed that well I was editting.

Oh, great part, we want MORE! Can you post another tonight? Sorry to pressure you, but when you make such an amazing story, you have to write more!

we want MOAR!!!

so far the story =

Lol, it's very late at night where I live right now so unless I'm unable to fall asleep until 2:00 AM again I probably won't write again until tomorrow. Thanks for the comments, they are extremely encouraging.

Oh yeah and I have to comment that Domitan, during that brief dialogue, was very fun to write for. Its fun to take the perspective of an insane sense freak.

Hmm, question, how powerfull do you see bane? He is a 10000 year old daemon, could he really be overpowered by a librarian that easily? Anyway, who is bane aligned to? I think it is tzeench, but could you confirm, ta. (story was great by the way)