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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/06/15 15:43:49
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Longtime Dakkanaut
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With regards to part 2: I think the first 4 paragraphs are well written and i cant really fault them. The rest is not quite as good. The most obvious thing for me was the lack of 'noun variety' ((proper term?) it'll serve the purpose for now). Now bear in mind when i edit my work i am stupidly pedantic about this kinda thing so Take with a pinch of salt. Heres an excerpt that i think illustrates my point: 'As stealthily as he could Alistair descended the stairs. With a sudden crack a stair gave way and he tumbled down the stairs, he landed in a heap on the floor at the foot of the stairs.' Dunno if it's just me but i think 'stairs' is mentioned a few too many times. There's a couple more instances but i forget. Iirc it happens again with 'scrawny man'. A minor critcism involves this: 'The daemon would more than likely be extremely pissed for that painful breach of honour but Alistair didn't particularly care, it was unlikely he'd ever see it again.' I really love the concept here i just dont think it's put across in terribly evocative language. It also seems a little odd that the narrative 'voice' would use the word 'pissed' (Although it woldn't be in the least bit odd to have the word in Alistair's inner monologue). I.e. 'Alistair thought the demon would be pissed' etc. Am intrigued by all the new lore.
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/06/15 15:44:49
Mary Sue wrote: Perkustin is even more awesome than me!
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/07/27 03:49:04
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Renegade Inquisitor de Marche
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Okay, I have edited a few bits but nothing major.
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/09/02 04:40:17
Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 04:41:56
Subject: Re:Witch Hunter
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Renegade Inquisitor de Marche
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New update. Hope everyone enjoys it. C&C appreciated. Thanks. Nikolai dropped Alistair and turned back to his latest invention. Alistair recovered and looked closely at the glass bulb. The wires that were dipped in a dozen vats of chemicals snaked towards the bulb and plugged directly into a steel cap at the base of the bulb. Alistair's curiosity was beginning to overpower his sense of self-preservation, he stepped forward and looked at the intricate machinery to the side where Nikolai and his new apprentice were now working like daemons to fix whatever had been broken in their earlier attempts. 'So, Nikolai. What is this actually supposed to do' Alistair asked with a trace of nervousness. Nikolai removed his hood 'We remove the resistance blocks stopping Power and the filament in the bulb will begin to glow bright enough to light the entire chamber on its own' Nikolai said not looking up, his attention focussed on the instruments ahead of him 'Is that all?' Alistair asked, frowning slightly 'We can do that already with magic' 'Alistair' Nikolai turned to face him 'I would have thought someone with your heritage would know the importance of being able to do without magic. You wouldn't be here had we not received the recipe for gunpowder from the Desert Empires. This invention will allow everyone to light their homes' 'Oh I do understand, don't you worry about that' Alistair said, tapping his pistol 'What I don't understand is why you're working on this...' he stopped struggling to name the complex network of wires and glass. 'I call her Power' Nikolai said proudly, gesturing to the wires 'Why you're working on this Power, when everyone else is working on steam engines. I heard there's a guy up in the Gold Quarter who is planning to construct a water works for the entire city using steam power. Imagine that, running water for the entire city.' 'Ah but they have finished that line of research. I am the vanguard of the age of Power. With this invention nothing will be beyond our grasp! It has limitless applications and possibilities' Nikolai finished, his eyes gleaming with his vision of the future and his arms spread wide as though trying to embrace it. 'From a... a light bulb?' Alistair said, still unable to grasp it. 'From a light bulb my friend. From a light bulb.' Nikolai smiled. Just then his apprentice turned to Nikolai. 'We're... we're ready' 'Are you sure?' Nikolai asked 'Positive, I’ve triple checked everything' the apprentice gestured to the bank of instruments 'If something goes wrong we'll know before it gets... out of hand' he rubbed his blacked face through his heavy gauntlet. 'Excellent Elijah!' Nikolai boomed 'Come Alistair, it's time for our final experiment' He donned his hood and almost as an after thought he fished out a pair of dark tinted goggles from somewhere in his heavy leather coverings and handed them to Alistair. 'It will be very bright my friend' he said, despite Nikolai's hood Alistair got the impression his grin now stretched from ear to ear. Alistair hurriedly put the goggles on, the tint darkened his vision, in the already dim chamber Alistair vision became all but cut off. But that, Alistair reasoned, would hopefully be corrected with Nikolai's 'light-bulb'. Nikolai turned to Elijah, who was manning the instrument bank, and gave him a nervous thumbs up. At least Alistair guessed that's what it was, the gauntlet made it hard to tell. Nikolai grasped a lever set next to the bank of instruments and pulled firmly, there was a brief paused before the impossibly thin filament in the bulb began to glow, dimly at first but brighter and brighter after that. 'It's working!' Elijah yelled, turning away to watch the bulb 'Excellent, Elijah keep focused on the measurements we need to learn as much as possible from this' 'Yes sir' He turned back, buoyed up by their success 'See my friend' Nikolai said to Alistair as the bulb grew even brighter 'This is the future' 'I see it Nikolai' Alistair said, the bulb was intensely bright now and even through the dark tinted goggles his eyes began to ache. For several long minutes they just watched the bulb as it grew slightly brighter and then stopped intensifying. It hung like a tiny star for a few moments before Elijah interrupted. 'Um sir?' he said 'Yes? What is it?' 'I think we should turn it off.' He said, his voice beginning to rise in a slight panic 'What? Why?' Nikolai said, slightly annoyed at having to stop his experiment before he wanted to 'Wel-' Alistair never learned why, as the glass bulb exploded in that same second sending razor sharp shards of glass across the chamber. Alistair's coat protected him from most of the damage, its long turned up collar shielding his face. Nikolai had likewise been protected by his own thick garments. As they checked themselves for injury Elijah's absence became obvious, they glanced around and found his frame a few yards or so from where he had been stood. Though they had escaped injury Elijah hadn't been as lucky. The steel cap at the base of the bulb had shot off at a remarkable speed, so fast Alistair hadn't even seen it move. It has ricocheted off of the front of Elijah's thick leather hood and came to a rest half a dozen yards behind them. Nikolai pulled the hood off and they were greeted by a gush of blood and bone. Nikolai probed his skull, feeling for fractures or cracks. 'His skull's intact' He quickly checked for a pulse and found one 'He's alive but unconscious' 'Well that's a blessing' Alistair had always hated head wounds, his time in the army had taught a small amount about injuries and he had hated head wounds the most. Lots of blood and it's near impossible to tell whether someone is okay or not. A man could stand up straight after taking a hit that would dent steel sheet and then days later fall over dead as a stone. Luckily for Elijah it looked as though he'd simply be carried away from this encounter with a headache and a badly broken nose. Nikolai began to pick Elijah up,careful to keep his damaged head from touching anything. 'Aren't you going to heal him?' Alistair asked, slightly confused. Nikolai, as a member of a minor Noble family from the far Northlands, was trained in the use of magic. Magic, amongst other things could be used to heal others as well as cause horrific wounds. 'Well... yes' Nikolai said, looking slightly uncomfortable 'What do you mean by that?' Alistair asked suspiciously 'You aren't going to experiment on him or something?' horror edging his voice. 'Of course not, he's still alive for one' Nikolai said slightly grudgingly 'Then what?' 'I have several well tested potions that will fix him up without a hitch' Nikolai said quickly 'Potions? What? Why not use your magic?' Alistair said, his confusion still evident Nikolai was silent for a few uncomfortable seconds, looking left and right, up and down and shifting in place slightly. 'I cannot...' Nikolai admitted finally. 'You can't use your magic to heal?' Alistair asked, slightly incredulous. Nobles, even those as minor as Nikolai, weren't known for admitting they couldn't do things. 'Nyet. It's an odd quirk but I have never been able to even get a grip on this basics' Nikolai said, still uncomfortable discussing his shortcommings. 'It's one of the reasons I am an inventor, I cannot help people like most sorcerers but with my inventions I can further mankind' There was a brief moment as Alistair began to recall all the moments where he had almost died and thought nothing of it due to Nikolai's presence and, Alistair had thought at the time, healing abilities. There were a lot. 'So, that time I almost died fighting that rogue sorcerer in the Red quarter and I almost got skewered on the rogue's enchanted spear?' 'You probably would have died yes' 'You didn't feel like telling me at any point?' 'Well it would just make you nervous' 'No Nikolai.' Alistair said, anger edging his voice 'It would have made me dead is what it would have made me' 'Exactly, nervous and then dead' Nikolai said shrugging his shoulders. Elijah flopped limply in the giant's arms and groaned. 'We should get Elijah upstairs' Nikolai said, deciding the conversation was over and walking to the stairs. 'I can't believe you didn't tell me' Alistair said, the anger gone but some shock present. Nikolai just chuckled.
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This message was edited 3 times. Last update was at 2012/09/02 18:30:07
Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 12:46:18
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Rampaging Reaver Titan Princeps
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Very nice! Want to see what happens next now...
*Cracks whip*
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 17:37:30
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Renegade Inquisitor de Marche
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Thank you. I'm hoping to get touch on the Witch Hunters themselves in the next part and explain the various things beginning to happen to both the Witch Hunters and society at large in Auro and the country itself.
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/09/02 18:30:20
Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 17:51:06
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Terrifying Doombull
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Dear heaven! I say this is rather immensely good. Great work here I must say
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 18:20:58
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Renegade Inquisitor de Marche
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Thank you
Any suggestions for improvement?
Anything at all?
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Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 18:26:32
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Rampaging Reaver Titan Princeps
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This bit:
Alastair's sense of curiosity was beginning to overpower his sense of self-preservation
seems like 'sense' too close to 'sense' imo, perhaps just:
Alastair's curiosity was beginning to overpower his sense of self-preservation
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 18:29:27
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Renegade Inquisitor de Marche
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Ah.
Good catch.
I shall change it now.
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Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 18:45:24
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Terrifying Doombull
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It needs more scantly clad women
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 23:27:11
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Renegade Inquisitor de Marche
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Those are coming later...
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Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 23:35:15
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Rampaging Reaver Titan Princeps
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But will there be lesbians.....?
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/02 23:38:02
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Renegade Inquisitor de Marche
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Yeah probably...
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Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/03 05:34:48
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Terrifying Doombull
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Know that I will subscribe to this!
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/09/06 05:17:00
Subject: Witch Hunter
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Steadfast Grey Hunter
Can't tell you. It's a secret...
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This is very good m8!  As good as the previous parts if I may add  Keep it up !
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Don't grow up!!!
It's a TRAP!!! |
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