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2014/07/04 17:09:33
Subject: Was Commissar Yarrick ever investigated by the inquisition?
Just because we are talking about the Inquisition..I do not apologize.
Spoiler:
Marbo: Trouble at Hive.
St. Celestine: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Marbo: One on't green skins gone owt to battle on pond.
St. Celestine: Pardon?
Marbo: One on't green skins gone owt to battle on pond.
St. Celestine: I don't understand what you're saying.
Marbo: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the green skins has gone out to battle on the pond.
St. Celestine: Well what on earth does that mean?
Marbo: *I* don't know - Mr Creed just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the Hive, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The door flies open and Inquisitor Ximinez enters, flanked by two junior inquisitors. Inquisitor Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Inquisitor Fang is just Inquisitor Fang]
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Imperial Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.
[The Inquisition exits]
Marbo: I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The inquisitors burst in]
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Imperial Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
[To Inquisitor Biggles] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...
[Ximinez bundles the inquisitors outside again]
Marbo: I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The inquisitors enter]
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Imperial...um...
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Inquisitor, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Empire of Mankind. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough.
[To St. Celestine] Now, how do you plead?
St. Celestine: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!
[DIABOLICAL ACTING]
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Inquisitor -- the rack!
[Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]
Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.
[Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]
Ximinez:Right! How do you plead?
St. Celestine: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Inquisitor, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.
[Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]
Biggles: I....
Ximinez: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
[Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]
[Cut to them torturing a grizzled old Commissar, Sebastion Yarrick]
Ximinez: Now, Lord Commissar -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Yarrick: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, Lord Commissar -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Yarrick: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Inquisitor! Poke him with the soft cushions!
[Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture]
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Inquisitor Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]
Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?
[Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put him in the Comfy Chair!
[They roughly push him into the Comfy Chair]
Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, Commissar. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
