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The Stansfield Chronicles
Ready to Serve.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted to be a guardsman. My family, as far as I can trace back, have been in the guard but they never fought chaos, xenos or other scum that faces the Imperium. No, just a lot of rebellions and shifts in power on our home world, the furthest I can go back is with my great grandfather who fought the corrupt Governor Manfred; my great grandfather led a rebellion against him. He was a Commisar of the guard and took him down and instated himself as the Governor. Sadly the day he inserted himself as ruler he was killed by a misfired artillery cannon that what shot off in his celebration. That means the planets was ruled by the Stainsfield name for half a day! The planet fell into havic for a year as the noble houses fought for who should rule. My grandfather, a guard Captain, helped one of the houses rise to power, only for him to kill the leader of that house and take it for himself but people didn’t want to follow him after that and the people on the planet cursed our family name but I’m sure may grandfather had his heart in the right place with his actions.
So the planet was thrown into anarchy again and the Inquisition was forced to step in and put things into order and making an Inquisitor the leader of the planet. I was born around then and grow up with my dad telling me of the great uprisings my family took part in, he seems so passionate about what they did and they didn’t use power armor, jump pack or drop pods to pull that off, just raw human determination and valor! While I didn’t know what those words meant nor do I know now but those are the words I see used with space marines, not the guardsman so they must be great words but he was also sad as he told me about their deeds, while he was a guardsman it seemed like he wasn’t doing any of the stuff they did. My dad always came back home sad.
Soon when I was 16 my father died in his sleep and I was left with nothing to keep myself alive and my mother couldn’t support me, so I did what my fathers did and join the greatest people who ever lived the guardsman. Training was fun we got to run a lot and shot at targets that looked like weird beast and the captain yelled my name a lot too, I must have been doing my best! Aside from many accidents I became a guardsman, ready to fight for the Imperium. While I never got to battle and I didn’t get to shoot anything aside from targets and people’s feet (I only did that on accident!!!) but I didn’t mind because I was doing my best for the Imperium, just like my fathers.
Oh yeah! You know that thing I said about not being in any real fights? Well after two years of doing my job I finally got it! Another uprising happened but not just another revolt it was with these weird people who worshipped these spooky gods and wanted to destroy our planet and steal out soul and freed then to big ugly things. I was so excited!

Mmm, Stansfield...

This narrator sounds a tad to intelligent to be Stansfield. Overall i thought it was good write more soon.

...and there's no new Stansfield why?

Yeah Steven hurry up

Berserksteve wrote:The Stansfield Chronicles
Ready to Serve.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted to be a guardsman.

I'm sorry, but this first sentence just makes the tone seem immature. "Kid" is one of those words that just doesn't sound right in the 41st milennium, unless it's coming as a sort of casual nickname.

Berserksteve wrote: My family, as far as I can trace back, have been in the guard but they never fought chaos, xenos or other scum that faces the Imperium. No, just a lot of rebellions and shifts in power on our home world, the furthest I can go back is with my great grandfather who fought the corrupt Governor Manfred; my great grandfather led a rebellion against him. He was a Commisar of the guard and took him down and instated himself as the Governor. Sadly the day he inserted himself as ruler he was killed by a misfired artillery cannon that what shot off in his celebration. That means the planets was ruled by the Stainsfield name for half a day! The planet fell into havic for a year as the noble houses fought for who should rule. My grandfather, a guard Captain, helped one of the houses rise to power, only for him to kill the leader of that house and take it for himself but people didn’t want to follow him after that and the people on the planet cursed our family name but I’m sure may grandfather had his heart in the right place with his actions.

EXPOSITION ALERT!

I like history, but the bolded sentence just doesn't make sense gramatically.

Berserksteve wrote: So the planet was thrown into anarchy again and the Inquisition was forced to step in and put things into order and making an Inquisitor the leader of the planet. I was born around then and grow up with my dad telling me of the great uprisings my family took part in, he seems so passionate about what they did and they didn’t use power armor, jump pack or drop pods to pull that off, just raw human determination and valor! While I didn’t know what those words meant nor do I know now but those are the words I see used with space marines, not the guardsman so they must be great words but he was also sad as he told me about their deeds, while he was a guardsman it seemed like he wasn’t doing any of the stuff they did. My dad always came back home sad.

"Dad" is another word that doesn't really fit the 41st mellenium, and "sad" falls into the same camp.

Berserksteve wrote:Soon when I was 16 my father died in his sleep and I was left with nothing to keep myself alive and my mother couldn’t support me, so I did what my fathers did and join the greatest people who ever lived the guardsman. Training was fun we got to run a lot and shot at targets that looked like weird beast and the captain yelled my name a lot too, I must have been doing my best! Aside from many accidents I became a guardsman, ready to fight for the Imperium. While I never got to battle and I didn’t get to shoot anything aside from targets and people’s feet (I only did that on accident!!!) but I didn’t mind because I was doing my best for the Imperium, just like my fathers.

There is too material for one paragraph, and the tone is too light-hearted for something so serious.

Berserksteve wrote:Oh yeah! You know that thing I said about not being in any real fights? Well after two years of doing my job I finally got it! Another uprising happened but not just another revolt it was with these weird people who worshipped these spooky gods and wanted to destroy our planet and steal out soul and freed then to big ugly things. I was so excited!

This last part sounds almost like a Facebook declaration, not a memoirs of war.

Overall, you can do a lot better, but I like your basic premise (And your choice of a guardsman instead of a Space Marine). I'm sorry if I come off as too harsh.

Necroman wrote:

Berserksteve wrote:The Stansfield Chronicles
Ready to Serve.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted to be a guardsman.

I'm sorry, but this first sentence just makes the tone seem immature. "Kid" is one of those words that just doesn't sound right in the 41st milennium, unless it's coming as a sort of casual nickname.

Berserksteve wrote: My family, as far as I can trace back, have been in the guard but they never fought chaos, xenos or other scum that faces the Imperium. No, just a lot of rebellions and shifts in power on our home world, the furthest I can go back is with my great grandfather who fought the corrupt Governor Manfred; my great grandfather led a rebellion against him. He was a Commisar of the guard and took him down and instated himself as the Governor. Sadly the day he inserted himself as ruler he was killed by a misfired artillery cannon that what shot off in his celebration. That means the planets was ruled by the Stainsfield name for half a day! The planet fell into havic for a year as the noble houses fought for who should rule. My grandfather, a guard Captain, helped one of the houses rise to power, only for him to kill the leader of that house and take it for himself but people didn’t want to follow him after that and the people on the planet cursed our family name but I’m sure may grandfather had his heart in the right place with his actions.

EXPOSITION ALERT!

I like history, but the bolded sentence just doesn't make sense gramatically.

Berserksteve wrote: So the planet was thrown into anarchy again and the Inquisition was forced to step in and put things into order and making an Inquisitor the leader of the planet. I was born around then and grow up with my dad telling me of the great uprisings my family took part in, he seems so passionate about what they did and they didn’t use power armor, jump pack or drop pods to pull that off, just raw human determination and valor! While I didn’t know what those words meant nor do I know now but those are the words I see used with space marines, not the guardsman so they must be great words but he was also sad as he told me about their deeds, while he was a guardsman it seemed like he wasn’t doing any of the stuff they did. My dad always came back home sad.

"Dad" is another word that doesn't really fit the 41st mellenium, and "sad" falls into the same camp.

Berserksteve wrote:Soon when I was 16 my father died in his sleep and I was left with nothing to keep myself alive and my mother couldn’t support me, so I did what my fathers did and join the greatest people who ever lived the guardsman. Training was fun we got to run a lot and shot at targets that looked like weird beast and the captain yelled my name a lot too, I must have been doing my best! Aside from many accidents I became a guardsman, ready to fight for the Imperium. While I never got to battle and I didn’t get to shoot anything aside from targets and people’s feet (I only did that on accident!!!) but I didn’t mind because I was doing my best for the Imperium, just like my fathers.

There is too material for one paragraph, and the tone is too light-hearted for something so serious.

Berserksteve wrote:Oh yeah! You know that thing I said about not being in any real fights? Well after two years of doing my job I finally got it! Another uprising happened but not just another revolt it was with these weird people who worshipped these spooky gods and wanted to destroy our planet and steal out soul and freed then to big ugly things. I was so excited!

This last part sounds almost like a Facebook declaration, not a memoirs of war.

Overall, you can do a lot better, but I like your basic premise (And your choice of a guardsman instead of a Space Marine). I'm sorry if I come off as too harsh.

The whole point of Stansfield is that he is a naive incompetant beam of light in the darkness of the 41st millenium. He's dumb and friendly. Everything you cited above is exactly how Stansfield sounds.

Am I missing something? Where did this Stansfield person come from? I attributed the things that Necroman pointed out to the author going a little overboard with a different writting style that they were experimenting with. If there is a person this is based on I would like to know so that I could be more in tune with the story.

Mordoskul wrote:The whole point of Stansfield is that he is a naive incompetant beam of light in the darkness of the 41st millenium. He's dumb and friendly. Everything you cited above is exactly how Stansfield sounds.

Ouch.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CompletelyMissingThePoint

ComputerGeek01 wrote:Am I missing something? Where did this Stansfield person come from? I attributed the things that Necroman pointed out to the author going a little overboard with a different writting style that they were experimenting with. If there is a person this is based on I would like to know so that I could be more in tune with the story.

Ever read the Commissar Steve stories? He's in there. Although I want to point out that Stansfield belongs to Berzerkersteve and the other way around.

Yeah, the character Stansfield stems from a old Dark Heresy campaign, Berzerksteve decided to make a fiction of him, he is a incompetent and kid like, thats the point.