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If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again and you'll begin to think you're a genius..
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


Feeling smarter yet?

I am getting dumberizeder already!

So do you want to make this a thread about all the idiotic quotes by the celebrities and politicians out there?

Hopefully yes, as most of those were funny.

Let us add more:

"You can't just let nature run wild."
- Wally Hickel, former Alaska governor

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

"And the ball is out here. No, it's not. Yes it is. No, it's not. What happened."
- Phil Rizzuto, NY Yankees announcer

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
- Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

Gentlemen, for your consideration, I give you....


Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh!

Phil the Greek wrote:1984 – When accepting a figurine from a woman during a visit to Kenya he said: “You are a woman aren’t you?”

1986 – When speaking to a group of exchange students staying in the Chinese city of Xian he suggested that if they stayed there for a year they would “go native and come home slitty eyed”.

1986 – He told a World Wildlife Fund meeting that “if it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”

1993 – When speaking to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary, he said: “You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.”

1995 – He asked a Scottish driving instructor how he “kept the natives off the booze” long enough to get a licence.

1998 – “You managed not to get eaten, then?” – to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea.

1999 – In Cardiff he told children from the British Deaf Association, who were stood by a Caribbean steel band: “If you’re near that music it’s no wonder you’re deaf”.

2002 – “Still throwing spears?” – a question to an Aborigine during a visit to Australia.

2008 – On meeting Cate Blanchett at a social engagement, it is reported that Miss Blanchett told the Prince that she worked in film. The Prince apparently began discussing the problems that he was having with his DVD player, allegedly asking her “There is a cord sticking out of the back of the machine, might you tell me where it goes?” The rest of the conversation has not been reported!

2010 – On asking a female Sea Cadet what she did for a living, and being told that she worked in a night club (as a barmaid), the Duke asked “Is it a strip club?” Observing her surprise he dismissed the suggestion saying that it was “probably too cold for that anyway”.

He's sort of like a Turbo George Bush.

Prince Phillip is without doubt an embarassment to our country. Moreso than the rest of the royal family.

Anyway, heres some stupid football quotes:

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables

"They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that."
Kevin Keegan

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country".
Ian Rush

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league".
Mark Viduka


Footballers are not gifted.

Im laughing. This has cheered me up considerably

Gentlemen, for your consideration, I give you....
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh!

Those are really scary quotes. Those are truly born of a previous era and one in many ways even more unpleasant than the present. At least it makes you realize that as bad as things are, there really wasn't a "good old days".

Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian


"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer (lives in central US)




I was at the checkout of a Kmart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again ... same senario ! I departed the store with the $46.64.


I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon For a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little Chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one- get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one Of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the Sky and said, "Where ?"


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a Seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went To the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags Never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a Trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

To be fair to the airport luggage employee, sometimes your luggage will be put on a later flight and they need to ask if that plane has arrived.

I answer the phone here and get some pretty good laughs

"Hello X company, how can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm so-and-so's father and need to know if my son came to school today."

"I'm sorry, this is a business not a high school."

"So you don't know?"

"No sir"

"Well thanks for nothin'"

or this one

"Hello X company, how can I help you?"

"I'd like to speak with someone in IT"

"I'm sorry, I only have a list of names. I don't know job titles or departments"

"Then get me someone in HR"

"I'm sorry, I only have names not departments"

"Well, then how about you're CFO?"

"I'm sorry, I only have a list of names, I don't have job titles"

"You don't know who the CFO is?"

"No sir, only names"

"Then how do I call anyone if I don't know who works there? "

"Goodbye sir"

*edited for grammar