Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Imagine Santa decided one Christmas to feth it all. All the billions of letters he has gotten from children over the years combined with the rampant stupidity and corruption and evil in this world has finally weighted the already heavy jolly man down.

So rather than go a-murdering across X-mas town, burn some elves to cinders, or some other weird gak, Santa would instead respond to children's letters in horrible, cynical ways, especially for children who pretend to be nice but with the omniknowledge that Santa has, can see right through and deceit into a child's past actions.

So what kind of letters would Santa respond to and what kind of responses would you see Santa make?

Dear Billy,

Thank you for your letter, it was really heart warming to hear how much you love your mum and dad and will be good for them.

Unfortunately, this sentiment is wasted, you are adopted, your real parents didn't want you. The woman you call 'Mom' cannot love you as much as someone of her own flesh.

Please note that you will not be getting Optimums Prime this year, rather a dollar store 'Truck-former'.

Merry Christmas,

Santa.

Dear Billy,

The other kids are right. You do smell bad.

Stop bothering me,

Santa.

Dear steave
So you'd do anything to get a "Super ultra Zaming action figure" go eat crap then well talk.
Dear Bob
You really want a bike don't you , eat a rat.

Dear Cindy,

Let's be honest here - and you should be aware of this by now. Organs donors are hard to find. Healthy hearts are especially difficult to come up with.
I have to employ, insure and coordinate 5.3 million elves and that's just to make toys. I get a lot of requests for organs but it's just not an economic viability at the present time. Before you ask, elf organs won't work, although they are tasty.

Regards,
C.C.

Dear Carl,

No. Just no. You expect me to give you a puppy after you didn't eat your green beans?

Expect your stocking stuffers rammed down your throat, and a nice hard punt to the cahones from Comet.

Unholy wishes,
Saint Nick

Dear Tyler,

I really liked your essay. But I am not your teacher, so far you have sent me crap and haven’t even remember to put grammatical changes into your work.

Also next time you want to send this stuff to me, please do not ask for a puppy as you are not in my top priority list as you have enough toys. And Also that girl you say you like will never love you so stop sending me letters! Or else you’ll get coals for the rest of your life.
Merry Christmas!

Sincerely
With Love
Santa

(Hahahahahahaha)

Dear Shelia,

Your lies are like acid dripping onto my soul.

Have a miserable Christmas,

Yours,

Santa, AKA Mom and Dad.
(how do you like those apples?)

Dear Todd

Im glad to hear that your father is doing well as the new town Catholic priest! On that note, remember those urges you get when you in the gym with your friends? I think you should act on them. And make sure you talk to your cousin Mark after your father finds out. He has special drink mix that will make all your bad feelings go away. At least for a little while! Also I thought you should know, I told your sister how all her missing clothing is under your bed.

Love Santa

PS. Your moms cancer is getting bad, I heard that 2nd hand smoke is the best way to help her with that!

Dear Sally,

While I appreciate you asking me to bring you a baby brother or sister for christmas.

This is, unfortunately, not my department.

I did pull a few favours that were owed to me though.

The foetus in your stocking is from a peruvian whore called Isabella.

Enjoy!

Santa.

Dear Liam,

I entirely believe your claims of being a good boy this year.

You have shown exemplary manners both to your parents and all those you come into contact with.

Unfortunately, life is not fair. Evil acts get people money and the kind and good people of the world have to suck it up.

Excuse my messy writing at this point, but take it as evidence that the $20 I saved by not buying you gak was well spent on a full contact lap dance.

Sincere Regards
Santa

Emperors Faithful wrote: but take it as evidence that the $20 I saved by not buying you gak was well spent on a full contact lap dance.

Sincere Regards
Santa

Poor Mrs. Claus.....

Hey, OP did say Santa decided to take the stance of "feth it all". Please, this one is so much better.

Medium of Death wrote:I did pull a few favours that were owed to me though.

The foetus in your stocking is from a peruvian whore called Isabella.

Enjoy!

Santa

Dear Kid,

Santa is not real

Mind f---, paradox, and innocence shattering all at once

WarOne wrote:Imagine Santa decided one Christmas to feth it all. All the billions of letters he has gotten from children over the years combined with the rampant stupidity and corruption and evil in this world has finally weighted the already heavy jolly man down.

So rather than go a-murdering across X-mas town, burn some elves to cinders, or some other weird gak, Santa would instead respond to children's letters in horrible, cynical ways, especially for children who pretend to be nice but with the omniknowledge that Santa has, can see right through and deceit into a child's past actions.

So what kind of letters would Santa respond to and what kind of responses would you see Santa make?

I hate to tell but


Dear Timmy:
You letter was warm and heartfelt. Unfortunately you confused me with someone who gave damn.

Dear Cheerleading Sally,

Thanks for your heartfelt letter, it really warmed my soul up..by about half a degree above zero, then I got colder as I realised you were that Sally who cannot tell truth from fiction.

I-pods are off the list this year but I am replacing them with good old 'Uncle' Steve! yep you better not shout you better not cry his unwanted gifts will serve you right for telling a lie!

Read up about the boy who cried wolf.

best wishes yadda yadda.

Santa.

Dear Timmy:

Get a job you bum !

Sincerely,

Santa

To whom it may concern,
We received your invoice and would welcome your business, however it has come to our attention that at this time we cannot fulfill our current quota due to Union negotiations and ask you re-apply at a later time.

Sincerely,
(Laser printed sig) Santa Claus

<pleasantry> <Insert name here>,

You little fethers make me sick to my stomach, I mean, you honestly expect you are going to get <insert toy name here> when your family are making <insert joint income here>.

Do you really think <insert appropriate fictional festive gift giver here> comes down your chimney and leaves you expensive toys? Get real.

I honestly think I will throw up in a bag and post it out to you you little gakker!

<pleasantry>
<insert appropriate fictional festive gift giver here>
Gakker!

Dear Jimmy,

You know the school bully that's been giving you trouble? The one that you sent a sad letter to me about when he broke your favorite toy? I'll handle him for you...

By giving him everything YOU asked for.

That's right, you little whiner. I'm also going to make sure that he knows that all of the presents were supposed to be yours. Maybe this will help you to grow the pair that you desperately need.

Only the Strong survive, Jimmy!

Santa (Esq.)

Timmy:

Santa doesn't deliver there. The last time Santa parked the sleigh there, someone stripped it and ran off with Santa's reindeer.

Sorry,

Santa.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Sally:

I received your letter wanting a pony. You know that new deer head stuffed and mounted in the den of your RV that your Dad shot this year? Thats Rudolph's brother. So when you and your family get nothing ever, thank your Dad. Fur is murder!

Santa.

Dear kid,

You can't have a pony. You live in an appartment and your parents can't afford to feed it. So have this magic 8-ball instead. You ask it for a gift then shake it.

Love, Santa.

P.S. All answers on this 8-ball are 'Get a job.' Ta!

Dear Steave
Last year I give you 500 Pounds worth of football gear and no milk and COOKIES! YOU! WHERES MY COOKIES , ILL TORCH YOUR HOUSE YOU UNLESS I GET MY COOKIES! YOU WANT PRESENTS I GIVE YOU LIVE GRENADES
Plus I in your lunch box.

blood reaper wrote:Dear Steave
Last year I give you 500 Pounds worth of football gear and no milk and COOKIES! YOU! WHERES MY COOKIES , ILL TORCH YOUR HOUSE YOU UNLESS I GET MY COOKIES! YOU WANT PRESENTS I GIVE YOU LIVE GRENADES
Plus I in your lunch box.

Thats quality.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Billy

Thankyou for the excellent suggestion, you were good this year I bought you two.

However you wont be getting any, they tasted too good.

Santa

Dear Charles,

Mother won't be coming back home this Christmas.

We hitched in Vegas last night and for the last 24 hours we've partied our brains out. Suffice to say, even if our respective divorces for both of us hadn't emptied out our bank accounts, you'd still get squat, as your mother has been very forth coming to all your transgressions over the last 12 years. Ergo, no presents for you.

Sincerely,

Your New Daddy

P.S. Here are some photos of the new Mrs. Claus with some things we've been doing. Yes...that is a cherry, a tonka truck, and an ipod shoved in there.

Dear Joshua,

Due to the following reasons, you will only be getting one item this year.

(insert Itemized list of all wrong doings, starting from 0001 26 dec 20XX and ending 2359 24 dec 20XY, totaling 47 pages)

In conclusion, by the time you finish reading this statement the bomb in your stocking will have gone off. *FFFLLRRT* its a stink bomb you nincompoop.

Sincerly
ST Nick

Dear Communists,

Do you expect something for nothing? You are looking at the wrong guy!

For America!

Stormrider wrote:Dear Communists,

Do you expect something for nothing? You are looking at the wrong guy!

For America!

The funniest thing about Liberty Prime was that he was calling the U.S. Government Remnants Communists

Slarg232 wrote:

Stormrider wrote:Dear Communists,

Do you expect something for nothing? You are looking at the wrong guy!

For America!

The funniest thing about Liberty Prime was that he was calling the U.S. Government Remnants Communists

I know, that game is so full of irony and chest beatingly awesome propoganda.