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What do you think of this story I wrote??? leave comments

“On the third day we were almost spent. After the last assault on our final bastion, we numbered no more than 30. But still we stood firm, refusing to give ground as long as we drew breath. As the wailing cry of the Ork charge began, we finished our prayers to the God-Emperor and prepared to die.
Then they came, numbering in the thousands and we could not hope to hold them off, not even make a dent on this seemingly unstoppable horde. But as the charge reached our lines, our prayers were answered, drop pods came in their hundreds. Of them we knew our primogenitors were landing; the mighty Blood Angels and others too, the chapters of the White Scars and Salamanders among them.

We led a furious counterattack against the Orks, determined to reach our allies. By the gods we nearly made it, before a foul machine blocked our path. A gargant. It scythed down our men like wheat, but I could not led my brothers die. Seizing a melta bomb, I began to climb the infernal construct, seeking to end this. I have managed to get inside of its engine bay I have and delivered the explosive. I pray to the Emperor, save my soul.”

-Last Data-Feed from Sergeant Rynos, who was awarded the iron halo posthumously for destroying the gargant in an explosion that scattered the Orks, his fellow brethren then proceeded to regroup with their allies before initiating exterminatus on this Ork infested planet.

Pretty good its from the perspective of an imperial guardsman right?

It's an SM Sergeant.

yeah purplefood is right ists a sergeant of the Knight of the Emperor

That was really good. Its a shame there wasn't more to it and the writing was spot on. The 1st person perspective was nice.

I thought it was pretty good. Nice little story and good gramma too.

I do however feel there should've been more there as it was a bit too short for my liking, making it seem over far too quickly.
Also could've done with a few simple poetic techniques or whatnot to help set the scene.

Otherwise though, I'm impressed. Congrats.

Alright im going to be MAJORLY harsh, mainly since im an englsh literature student from England. Firstly way to many comma's, Impunity really isn't a word to be used to describe a combat situation its more of a legal / financial term, and lastly when you say " I managed to get inside or its engine bay, and deliver the explosive before I died. I pray to the Emperor, save my soul.” how would he be able to carry on talking after his death, I mean how could he talk in the past tense when you clearly say deliver the explosive before I died ? from this I presume he died in the explosion or was at least mortally wounded, or like he knew death was coming and simply mused this which is really unbecoming of a space marine either way it does not fit.

Also id like to moan about the fluff / logic issues, how could 30 space marines stand against a million orks, how could a space marine even be able to see a million orks at once ? i mean thats a large amount surely within his line of sight hed only be able to see around 100 at most ?.
Why would a space marine "prepare to die", there all about the heroism and valorous death but they dont "prepare to die".
Also how does a marine get inside a gargants engine bay ?, and lastly considering an iron halo is a piece of wargear why would they award it posthumously assuming he perished in the blast what would be left to recover and its not like he's a legendary figure for the chapter or is he you didnt make this clear ?.

Anyway enough with the nitpicking it was a good story kinda short, you need to work on your literary skills though. I might sound harsh but yknow we scare because we care , Although after reading this Im tempted to write and post something myself now.

ChronoCupcake wrote:Alright I'm going to be MAJORLY harsh, mainly since I'm an english literature student from England. Firstly way to many comma's, Impunity really isn't a word to be used to describe a combat situation its more of a legal / financial term, and lastly when you say " I managed to get inside or its engine bay, and deliver the explosive before I died. I pray to the Emperor, save my soul.” how would he be able to carry on talking after his death, I mean how could he talk in the past tense when you clearly say deliver the explosive before I died ? from this I presume he died in the explosion or was at least mortally wounded, or like he knew death was coming and simply mused this which is really unbecoming of a space marine either way it does not fit.

Also id like to moan about the fluff / logic issues, how could 30 space marines stand against a million orks, how could a space marine even be able to see a million orks at once ? i mean that's a large amount surely within his line of sight hed only be able to see around 100 at most ?.
Why would a space marine "prepare to die", there all about the heroism and valorous death but they don't "prepare to die".
Also how does a marine get inside a gargants engine bay ?, and lastly considering an iron halo is a piece of wargear why would they award it posthumously assuming he perished in the blast what would be left to recover and its not like he's a legendary figure for the chapter or is he you didn't make this clear ?.

Anyway enough with the nitpicking it was a good story kinda short, you need to work on your literary skills though. I might sound harsh but yknow we scare because we care , Although after reading this Im tempted to write and post something myself now.

I presuming he s using exaduration for the numbers although "They came in their thousands" would suit it much better.
You have a point with the tenses.
And even SM need to say a short prayer commending themselves to the Emperor before they die.
You have a point with the commas.
And the iron halo is an award for super-valour that often takes the form of a wargear piece.

updated

Oooooh much better
Many more likes.

Indeed much better you've inspired me DarthLakey Im now writing my own story, I spent an hour or two in english class today just sketching out my characters.
Its going to be about a night lords chaos space marine who begins to develop startling psychic powers, and has some very neutral views on the galaxy at large. No chaos worship but not above serving chaos for his own ends, hates the imperium for what its became and couldnt care less about the imperial creed seeing the Emperor as just a long dead monarch and any of his followers as ultimately expendable to "liberate" mankind at large.
Viewing fear and vengeance as the only way to punish those that would prey on the fearful ( A sort of chaos space marine equivalent of batman with psychic powers ). Striking across the galaxy on corrupt planetary governors, sanctimonious space marine chapters, reliquieries and any place housing artefacts or other objects of worth ranging from artwork to ornaments from humanities golden era.
Over the course of working for chaos and serving himself he seems to have attracted the attention of a very powerful warp entity that seems to be protecting him for its own infernal ends ... , Oh and his nemesis is a loyalist Blood angels librarian (who has terminator honours), who looks almost identicle to Sanguinius and will act as a kind of foil to him, everytime they meet they speak to each other trying to persuade the other to abandon there respective courses and despite fighting never quite seem to kill each other .

Anyway thats just my initial idea for a plot, Im going to start working on it would it be kl if when I post it I post a link in this thread ? or message you guys a link as Id be quite interested in any views and / or opinions you guys have.

yeah definately post the finishedd copy in this thread.