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UPDATE-1

"KEEP FIRING!" yelled Sergeant Haze. The sound of lasguns filled the air and the heat from them made the already hot landscape almost unbearable, but that was the least of the guardsman's worries. The sea of hormagaunts was drawing closer and closer, the imperial guards lines were in danger of being overrun. Lasgun shots burned through the Tyranid carapace and left smoldering wounds, but no matter how many xenos were downed, the horde didn't seem to get any smaller. The swarm was drawing near, the hive mind pushing them forward with no emotion and no fear, just an endless hunger for death. Off in the distance came a sound, quiet at first but it grew louder as each second passed. Soon the distant hiss turned into a earth shaking roar and the sky grew dark.

UPDATE-2

Sergeant Haze looked up and a smile slithered across his face, it faded once he turned his attention back on the incoming threat of the Tyranid horde. The first gun line was overrun. The Tyranid's scythe like talons had shreded the inferior flak jackets like tissue paper and destroyed the soldiers. The last line was shaken and demoralized seeing their fellow guardsmen defeated. Just as the men were saying their prayers to the emperor, the drop pod that was making the loud roar above bursted through the atmosphere and plummeted straight into a group of Hormigaunts with a loud crushing sound. Debris and blood flew up into the air and the front hatch of the pod opened. A massive dreadnought emerged from inside and a loud cheer came from all the guardsmen. They surged forward with a new found confidence and the dreadnought tossed aside a group of Hormigaunts with ease and exclaimed 'I have come to destroy you.'

UPDATE-3

Soon two more drop pods landed, carrying squads of space marines. The Tyranid started to scatter and fled back into the nearby jungle. "Leave them alive." said Haze "Let them run back to their nest." He motioned towards a squad of imperial guard. "You men, follow them, mark the coordinates on the holomap and send them back to me." They saluted him and started after the Xenos. Haze cracked his knuckles and walked over to the commanding Space Marine sergeant "Just in time Boreas." Said Haze. "You looked as if you needed assistance." Replied Boreas. Boreas was a tall man, as all space marines were, with no hair and thin furious eyes that wouldn't look out of place on an animal. Haze was a very average man in almost all aspects, with jet black hair with dashes of gray, the thing that set him apart was his fully transplanted cybernetic arm. "We have to move haze, we're meeting up with more marines. They're pod went off course and we must see if they're still alive." Haze nodded "Right. Well, good luck to you. I'll see you at the hive." With that, Haze turned around to address his men and count the casualties. Boreas, the dreadnought and his men marched off in the direction of the crashed pod.

"Twenty...Twenty men left?!" Haze shook his head. Two weeks ago his platoon had over forty men. The mission was suppose to be simple, though it never was, land on the planet 'Helios' and eradicate the xeno nest before the planet was overrun and it was too late. The planet was important to the imperium for two reasons, it was full of minerals that could be mined, and it was the first in a chain of imperial occupied worlds. If Helios was taken, the whole chain, and soon the universe, would be taken as well. Haze was the new acting commander after all his superiors were killed within the first week. His platoon was sent to the planet to provide the basic landing zone and clear any hostile life forms so the Marines could land and spearhead the assault on the hive with the guard as backup.

UPDATE-4

The platoon had set up camp. The sun was going down and Helios' too moons had begun to come up. Haze eagerly awaited news from the scout squad and stared at the holomap intensely. Suddenly a small dot and the corresponding coordinates appeared on the map with a quiet 'beep'. Haze ran out of the tent as if the beep had released him of some binding chain. "Alpha squad, front and center!" he barked. Seven men came rushing out of their tents tripping over themselves and their equipment. "Yes sir?!" they asked in unison once lined up in front of the Sergeant. "Time to move out, we have the hive's coordinates." Haze said, you could hear the happiness in his voice. "permission...to speak sir...?" asked one of them "Granted" "Why...Why only seven of us? Shouldn't there be more if we're taking the hive...?" "You idiot!" Said Haze "We're not taking the hive, we're setting a trap. If we take everyone, we lose the element of surprise!" "A trap sir?" the guard asked puzzled. "Yes. Now, take all the mines, charges and explosives we have left and lets move out."

Alpha squad marched through the jungle led by Haze. It was pitch black, the only light came from the guards flashlights and the faint glow of the holomap. "Sir! Sir!" a guard cried out. "Quiet down, what is it?" "We have an incoming transition from the scout squad!" Haze snatched the radio from him and listened. The crackle of the radio was all that could be heard. Haze was about to speak when a noise broke the static. "Scout....." Crackle. "Reporting..." Crackle. "Sighted" Crackle. "Coordinates 0-9....4....6" Crackle. "Need...Assistance..." Lasgun shots. "Emperor help us!" Screams of the men could be heard and then silence. The automated voice on the radio broke it and calmly said "Transmission lost." Haze and the rest of the men stood motionless. "Quickly, we have to see if they're alive. They should be just past these trees, move!" He dashed forward and the men followed. They burst through the trees and stood in a quiet clearing. They looked around. "Nothing...."Said Haze he looked down at the holomap, they were right on top of the dot. Haze walked forward and bent down slowly. "Lasgun burns....But...They're cold...No bodies...No blood..." "S...S...Sir..." A guard whimpered. "yes..?" Haze turned to face him and saw all the men had turned completely white and had their guns raised in all directions. He looked around and saw why. The surrounding trees had red glowing eyes peaking out of them from every direction. Haze stood up and unsheathed his sword and raised his laspistol "Faith. Glory. Death. FOR THE EMPEROR!"

(( critiques, comments, ect welcome. Will update in story soon.))

Needs more. It's too short.

indeed too shrt . I even don't know the main character yet, and he's important

-SNIP-

Hmm... this is getting somewhere.

But still, the main character is who? where are they fighting?
I would like to read some more depth.

as example. this part of an rp i'm writing in.
(http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/345973.page)

sillyboy wrote:Bic:.....

Ezreal woke up, his head still pounding from the night before. it was a sensation that he had gotten used too.
It was a smal price to pay for his dreamless nights. He looked around he had fallen a sleep on his chair. He filled
his glass with the smaal amount of brandy still available in the bottle. He savored the warm feeling flowing trough
his body. It was time to get going. He buckled up, his faithfull powersword 'Elegance' hanging on his side.

He walked outside in the drooly morning, The camp was already buzzing with activity. Ezreal could almost
feel the mens doubt. Overnight the Nucians had taken their positions, some even between them.
His men would have to be carefull, not to betray themselves.

In his daily routine Ezreal walked upon his hill, looking at the black fortress beeing lit up by the sun. As
always on the main tower their was a small figure. He had noticed him first a few weeks ago. And he
had seen him there for every single day. "Who was he?" He asked himself everymorning. But the
small figure never answered. (If one of the chaos marines, wish to take this position. Just go ahead."

For half an hour he stood there observing the fortress, taking in every detail. Looking for change. He imagined
the traitor doing the same. Ezreal looked back. He was gone. Ezreal climbed down from the hill, his hand resting on
Elegance. She always made him feel safe. He walked trough the muddy paths toward the Nucian headquarters.
Wondering why this Commissar wished to speak to him. "Was it to laugh at him, or was he truly unaware?"

He was pulled out of his tought as he met fellow commissar Anderson. Anderson was a true pdf-commisar.
Born in the royal family as the seventh son. He had no hopes of being king. So he enlisted in the local forces.
He was trained at the local commisariat, and so wasn't a true ministorum approved commisar. He wished
to make a name for himself, and earn honour in battle. "To bad he was so incompetent. he had no hope of ever becoming a true commissar."

"Goodmorning Commissar Ezreal." Ezreal nodded. Anderson held him in great honour. He didn't care, it didn't
matter they were all dead anyway. Not daunted by the grim looking fellow commisar, Anderson continued.
"I trust you have also been asked to speak with our fellow commisars?" "Where is commissar Lirgt?" Ezreal asked.
At least that man had some excperience. "He is having his hand removed, it was growing out of proportion."
Ezreal growled, this stupid taint was claiming his fellow commissars one by one. Ezreal and the other two
were the only ones left.

Commissar Anderson only had some scales growing on his hands, wich he covered with his gloves.
"Well, lets get moving then." They continued walking towards the Nucian basecamp.
"Tell me about yesterdays raid." He commanded, cause if he didn't Anderson would begin to
praise himself. Anything was better then go trough that again. Anderson told about it,
how he had bravely charged the traitors with only a handfull men, only to see them flee before him.

Ezreal didn't listen to him, instead he studied the nucian basecamp. The Nucians had stamped
out a basecamp out of nothing within a day. Everywhere he looked he saw nothing dirty. Everything
was crispy even the tired guardsmen looked like they were still able to go on a parade. "Toysoldiers!" he
muttered "Probably freshly inducted guardsmen.

Commissar Anderson felt silent as they entered the Nucian Headquarters, every tought of self praise lost
as they took in the grand comfort of the building, all the wealth here could buy them a sizeable estate.
But instead it was used for a Basecamp. A young girl walked towards them, a servo skull floating above her.
"Commisar Ezreal and Lirgt?" she asked. "Commisar Lirgt couldn't make it" Ezreal lied. "This is Commissar Anderson"
The girl nodded. "Follow me, Commissar Nikev is awaiting you." They followed her into the HQ.

You shouldn't concntrate on battles alone. They may be fun for a while but eventually they will be boring.
Buth if you create a background, personality. Things become more fun to read. Because
you can place yourself in the main characters shoes and connect with them.

And as a final suggestion, why don't you take a look at the survior games and chain fiction subforum.
Here you will rapidly learn to write (if you're ative and willing to learn ofcourse.)

Hoped this helped. Any questions just post it, or PM me.

*UPDATED*
Updates will just be edited and thrown in the original post. Feel free to keep the comments coming! Let me know if anyones reading!!

@sillyboy

Thanks for the tips. You're a good writer! Keep reading, and keep commenting!

Thanks for the tips. You're a good writer! Keep reading, and keep commenting!

update three:

Good, I'm beginning to grasp the background.
Also good job on you character description. Getting enough information
to get a mental picture is always good.

....

Its all i've got to say for the moment.
Keep writing!

*UPDATED*

((Sorry that took a while!))

Ooh you're improving

Just some toughts.

For the moment everything that happens is clear. But i would like to see
the main character gain more personality. You can do this by saying what he thinks
or feels.

for example.

Haze felt a shiver go up his spine as he saw red eyes blooming out of the darkness.
He knew that this was the end. He raised his trusty blade and charged headlong in the enemy.
"For the Emperor" he screamed at the top of his lungs, trying to ignore the heavy
thumping of his heart.

Hope this helps.

A trap for the trap setters, i like it.

Keep it up.