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I had to write a short story for school so i based it on 40k yes i know fluff wise it dosnt fit very well but ill post it here to see what you all say about it.

It’s late in the coldest part of the year sergeant Logan is in his tent his power armor shining in the flickering light s he read over the battle plans for the upcoming mission. He has nine of the Emperor’s finest men, Space Marines of the Space Wolf chapter, under his command.His orders where to flank the enemy’s position and take out there heavy artillery before it fired on the main force. A job any space marine could do alone but scouts of the chapter however got reports of chaos space marine’s of the world eaters legion being in the area when Logan heard his he immediately volunteered his squad to take on the mission as his parents were killed by the World Eaters when he was a child. The mission was simple really he had two suits of tactical dreadnaught armor fitted with cyclone missile launchers for the job ,however Logan wanted to get revenge on the World Eaters and would slay every last one to get to the one who killed his parents. Logan realized it was almost time to go the rest of his strike force would be start moving soon and the artillery still needed to be taken out. He left his tent to go address his troops as he exited the tent his second in command Ragnar shouted, Attention! The eight marines that made up the rest of Logan’s elite force fell in. His squad included two men in terminator armor four men with jump packs strapped on their backs him Ragnar and two other men who charge in on foot. The ten of them are the best there was because they are wolf guard sworn to protect the wolf lord and are the best at what they do. Lagan recapped the battle plan and they were packed and ready to go in minutes despite the late hour. Then the ten marines went on a mission that could be their last.
They walked through the night and around dawn they approached there target guarded by a platoon of guardsmen who turned their backs on the Emperor. With a slight motion from Logan the battle began with the terminators firing missiles into the artillery and the rest of the squad screaming, For the Emperor! As they neared the guardsmen the four men with the jump packs soared into the air landing right in the middle of the fight and the men on foot hit them from the front. One by one the guardsmen fell but not without taking a few marines down with them two of the men who jumped into the fight had fallen but the mission was a success the artillery was destroyed and the strike force was safe. Or was it as the living space wolfs where cleaning all the blood of their weapons and armor they heard a battle cry, Blood for the Blood God! They looked up and saw a squad of World eaters charging towards them. Logan screamed: For the emperor and what was left of his team charged in to meet the new threat. The fight didn’t last long while the enemy where able to kill half of Logan’s remaining men those who remained where the strongest of the group. When the fighting stopped Logan realized the World Eaters came from the direction the rest of his strike force should have come from. The four remaining wolf guard raced to the top of the hill and to their horror they found there strike force. Thousands of World eaters and Space wolf bodies lay scattered on the ground in the center of the field they noticed a large cluster of red clad body’s surrounding one form in the light grey of the space wolfs it was the leader of the strike team, Lord Jarik. Logan ran to his dying lord with Ragnar and the terminators at his heels. As he got there Lord Jarik muttered with his dying breath “today my saga ends and yours begins lead well Logan.” With that Lord Logan, Sergent Ragnar and the two terminators walked into the sun looking for the rest of the enemy to avenge Lord Jarik and his Space Wolfs.


sorry about how long it is but it should be a semi intersting read.



Automatically Appended Next Post:
hem i had it in paragraphs but i quess these forums mess with that as i even fixed them on here weird

I like it

It's a very interesting read! good fun, and yes you were correct about it not fitting with fluff, but hey! A good story!

Tell me when you have your mark

I wont have my mark till wedsday the earliest but you two defintly making me feel better about it as im always nervoud bout writting projects.

Sorry I can't read it just yet Jarik, my head is a bit woozy
Promise to read it later.
Even so, it tickled me to see that you thought it might be too long when it is only 2 paragraphs!

Unless the teacher is a SW player it matters not about the fluff.

From what I understand hes played dow so he probs gets somewhat of the idea behind sms but not much about the fluff besides ima edit it to include a basic description of the time period more about what sparemariens are the difference between guardsmen marienes and terminators just basic facts like that that someone who dosnt play 40k or at least dow wouldnt know.

Well young Jarik, me slip of a lad. Sort your punctuation out!
I took the liberty of copy and pasting into Word as I am struggling to read more than a line or two of text.
It was easier to read in Word and I edited as I went along.

Hopefully you will forgive the interference.
I have to say I am glad I did because it was thoroughly entertaining. You managed to get some twists and some atmosphere into a short amount of writing
Well done! Hope you got a good result

It’s late in the coldest part of the year. Sergeant Logan is in his tent, his power armor shining in the flickering lights. He reads over the battle plans for the upcoming mission. He has nine of the Emperor’s finest men, Space Marines of the Space Wolf chapter under his command. His orders were to flank the enemy’s position and take out their heavy artillery before it fired on the main force. A job any space marine could do alone but scouts of the chapter got reports of chaos space marines of the World Eaters Legion being in the area. When Logan heard this he immediately volunteered his squad to take on the mission as his parents were killed by the World Eaters when he was a child.

The mission was simple really, he had two suits of tactical dreadnaught armor fitted with cyclone missile launchers for the job. However Logan wanted to get revenge on the World Eaters and would slay every last one to get to the one who killed his parents. Logan realized it was almost time to go, the rest of his strike force would be start moving soon and the artillery still needed to be taken out. He left his tent to go address his troops as he exited the tent his second in command Ragnar shouted, “Attention!” The eight marines that made up the rest of Logan’s elite force fell in. His squad included two men in terminator armor four men with jump packs strapped on their backs him Ragnar and two other men who charge in on foot. The ten of them are the best there was because they are Wolf Guard, sworn to protect the Wolf Lord and are the best at what they do. Lagan recapped the battle plan and they were packed and ready to go in minutes despite the late hour. Then the ten marines went on a mission that could be their last.

They walked through the night and around dawn they approached their target guarded by a platoon of guardsmen who turned their backs on the Emperor. With a slight motion from Logan the battle began with the terminators firing missiles into the artillery and the rest of the squad screaming, “For the Emperor!” As they neared the guardsmen the four men with the jump packs soared into the air landing right in the middle of the fight and the men on foot hit them from the front. One by one the guardsmen fell but not without taking a few marines down with them. Two of the men who jumped into the fight had fallen but the mission was a success the artillery was destroyed and the strike force was safe. Or was it?

As the living Space Wolves where cleaning all the blood of their weapons and armor they heard a battle cry, “Blood for the Blood God!” They looked up and saw a squad of World Eaters charging towards them. Logan screamed “For the Emperor!” and what was left of his team charged in to meet the new threat. The fight didn’t last long while the enemy where able to kill half of Logan’s remaining men those who remained where the strongest of the group. When the fighting stopped Logan realized the World Eaters came from the direction the rest of his strike force should have come from. The four remaining wolf guard raced to the top of the hill and to their horror they found there strike force. Thousands of World Eaters and Space Wolf bodies lay scattered on the ground. In the center of the field they noticed a large cluster of red clad bodies surrounding one form in the light grey of the Space Wolves. It was the leader of the strike team, Lord Jarik. Logan ran to his dying lord with Ragnar and the terminators at his heels. As he got there Lord Jarik muttered with his dying breath, “Today my saga ends and yours begins. Lead well Logan.” With that Lord Logan, Sergent Ragnar and the two terminators walked into the sun looking for the rest of the enemy to avenge Lord Jarik and his Space Wolvess.

Note:

Their is possesive as in, "I went to the FLGS to play on their tables."

There is about place.

"You went to the FLGS? How did you get there."


Use speech marks as I have done in the examples above.

Its is possessive. So there is no apostrophe eg. "Its tables have some really cool terrain."
It's is an abbreviation of it is sohas the apostrophe. "Yeah, it's a really good set up there!"

Also try and take care with full stops.
HTH and you don't seem to need to be nervous about writing as you seem to have a good imagination.

O my god man I was looking for someone to prof read it as my proffesor mentioned that I needed to fix the grammer alot so thatll save me a bunch of time i really didnt have.

Ok added your corrections in with the corrections I had to make to not get kicked out of school so had to change logan to leo ragnar to marcus space wolves to imperial wolves and world eaders to planent crushers. hopefully i get a good grade on this cant afford to start of class with a bad grade.

Just noticed that you start off in the present tense:
"He reads over the battle plans.."

Then you switch to past tense:
"They walked through the night..."

Usually it is better to stick to the same tense, so it may be worth just tweaking the opening paragraph and making that the past tense too.


Try to get in the habit of thinking about grammar, even when posting on Dakka.

"I was looking for someone to prof read it as my proffesor mentioned that I needed to fix the grammer alot so thatll save me a bunch of time i really didnt have. "

should be:
"I was looking for someone to proof read it as my professor mentioned that I needed to fix the grammar a lot. That will save me a bunch of time I don't really have."

Not trying to be pedantic, just trying to help. I get the impression you are desperately trying to get words down as fast as they appear in your head. Sadly the fastest typist cannot keep up with that afaik!

Once you have your thoughts down just spend a little time and try to correct the sentence structure and grammar. The more you do so the easier it will become.

HTH

Change "Wolfs" to "Wolves" unless you are implying possession in which case you need to use an apostrophe.

Chibi Bodge-Battle wrote:Just noticed that you start off in the present tense:
"He reads over the battle plans.."

Then you switch to past tense:
"They walked through the night..."

Usually it is better to stick to the same tense, so it may be worth just tweaking the opening paragraph and making that the past tense too.


Try to get in the habit of thinking about grammar, even when posting on Dakka.

"I was looking for someone to prof read it as my proffesor mentioned that I needed to fix the grammer alot so thatll save me a bunch of time i really didnt have. "

should be:
"I was looking for someone to proof read it as my professor mentioned that I needed to fix the grammar a lot. That will save me a bunch of time I don't really have."

Not trying to be pedantic, just trying to help. I get the impression you are desperately trying to get words down as fast as they appear in your head. Sadly the fastest typist cannot keep up with that afaik!

Once you have your thoughts down just spend a little time and try to correct the sentence structure and grammar. The more you do so the easier it will become.

HTH

I'd agree with this. I've taught (both at the college and high school level) and one of the easiest ways to improve grammar, writing, and all of the trappings is to use it on an everyday basis. So much of how we talk has become a tad garbled through the shorthand we use on the internet, text messaging, etc.

If you focus on using proper grammar in your everyday life, writing for classes will become as easy as letting the words flow from your head.

Also, enjoyed the fan-fiction, nice read!

Missed that one Purplefood
Not sure why as I corrected the same error earlier in the piece.

Well this nightmare week is almost over but I defintly would not have finished that paper in time including all those corrections if it wasn't for you guys.

THank you all for your help and foir taking time to read and help proof read it. i got a 141 out of 150 lost a few points becuase i didnt format it for MLA (duh) and becuase while the story was good i ment it to be a story in the middle of a game(as im going to collage for web design so this would be a future game i could make) so Logan or as I renamed him for project Leo didnt have enough detail about them for anyone to get a picture of what he actually looked like but 141 out of 150 on a writting asignment for me is great as i normaly stink at writting.

Once again thank you for all your help.

That sounds like a great mark...
I wish i got writing assignments like that...
With a piece that short (I presume there was a limit) you have to choose between action and description.
If the action is done in a certain way description is almost a bad thing... it is hard to do however...

F=Thats a great mark. And, IMHO, well deserved

Two to three pages was the limit and mine was about two pages long yet mine was one of the longer ones that was turned in but im happy with a solid A.

jariksolo wrote:Two to three pages was the limit and mine was about two pages long yet mine was one of the longer ones that was turned in but im happy with a solid A.

Pages?
That's surprisingly unspecific...
You could simply make the text smaller to fit more in couldn't you?

No we cant make the text smaller as we had to turn it in MLA style that reguires a certain font size and style.

Fair enough...
Then, as i said, you have a trade-off between action and description.