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I am utterly terrible at writing storys, fluff etc. I wrote this about my custom vanilla space marine chapter, please tell me what you think and if there is anything I added that sounds dumb please tell me lol

basic data
name: blooblob bajango (no name as of yet)
founding chapter: unknown
chapter master:chleb golata
homeworld: tempus bonum
fortress monastery: the towers of tempus bonus
main colours: orange, white trim, tabards and robes
speciality: codex chapter

there homeworld is a large planet with many hiveworlds surrounded by citys the ancestors of the planet used to live in the hives but expanded out into cities as the population exploded now the planet hums with life and humans and aliens from planets as far as …. come to the great nightlife of the capitol city ….. while the space marines hide away in there tower feeling angry at the original populace of the planet that have sold there souls and home traditions to gluttony and selfishness, the space marines have many times had to root out slaaneshi cults all over the planet. the space marines are embarrassed of this happening on there very own homeworld and have been known to blow up in the faces of other chapters that mock there place of birth.
the space marines seem to be the only humans on the planet that have kept there native cultural heritage because of this they wear there traditional native rhobes into battle

thanks

Very good fluff...but I think you should edit, use more grammer, etc.

Other than that, great fluff

thanks for the nice comment, i agree with editing and grammar

thanks again

BattleBrother wrote:Very good fluff...but I think you should edit, use more grammer, etc.

Other than that, great fluff

Basically this.
Color scheme is needed, Go onto bolter and chainsword and make your own color scheme.

5P0G wrote:I am utterly terrible at writing storys, fluff etc. I wrote this about my custom vanilla space marine chapter, please tell me what you think and if there is anything I added that sounds dumb please tell me lol

basic data
name: blooblob bajango (no name as of yet)
founding chapter: unknown
chapter master:chleb golata
homeworld: tempus bonum
fortress monastery: the towers of tempus bonus
main colours: orange, white trim, tabards and robes
speciality: codex chapter

there homeworld is a large planet with many hiveworlds surrounded by citys the ancestors of the planet used to live in the hives but expanded out into cities as the population exploded now the planet hums with life and humans and aliens from planets as far as …. come to the great nightlife of the capitol city ….. while the space marines hide away in there tower feeling angry at the original populace of the planet that have sold there souls and home traditions to gluttony and selfishness, the space marines have many times had to root out slaaneshi cults all over the planet. the space marines are embarrassed of this happening on there very own homeworld and have been known to blow up in the faces of other chapters that mock there place of birth.
the space marines seem to be the only humans on the planet that have kept there native cultural heritage because of this they wear there traditional native rhobes into battle

thanks

Okay:
You need to fix the grammar and spelling first off. Make sure it's nice to read.
Being the homeworld of a Space Marine Chapter has a lot of impact on a world, both socially and in other ways. The people wouldn't just abandon their traditions and those of their ancestors. Also depending on how hardcore the marines are they may decide a full scale purging is in order considering the amount of cultists.
Aliens wouldn't be allowed onto the planet.
I'm a touch confused by the this bit
"a large planet with many hiveworlds surrounded by citys the ancestors of the planet used to live in the hives but expanded out into cities as the population exploded" i presume you mean hive cities not hive worlds... and even if you did it's still confusing.

You also need to add a few things:
Notable battles and characters for a start.
If you're feeling up to it you can add how their beliefs affect theim and how they interact with other organisations.

@Asherian Command

i have one



@purplefood

this is just a draft type thing at the moment.

the idea is that the space marines are trying hard to keep there home planet by trying to sort it out by themselves, by holding rallys, talks on the street etc, but the people are so far removed from there traditions and have been blinded by fake things (or maybe slaanesh OOO 40k twist lol) they just see it as an act on the street and pay no attention.

also my writing is terrible hive planet = hive cities surrounded by more cities lol.

and i will add the notable battles and characters soon, i like the idea about the interacting with others



thanks

It's likely that the Marines would try to contorl the populace in a way that you mention but after the first few cults they would start talking with guns instead.
Maybe they purge the world leaving only a few suvivors who form tribes etc etc
This would have implications on the chapter and their interaction with outsiders...

Im thinking if i change the "the space marines have many times had to root out slaaneshi cults all over the planet." to something like "the space marines have heard whispers of slaaneshi cults and are currently investigating the situation so they dont have to purge there homeland" or something along those lines, i want too keep the hole overcrowded homeworld scene.

Fair enough...

I found time to edit the text, what do you think? does it flow better?

The homeworld of The Swords of Bonnum was a large planet with many hives, and was a peaceful planet until the population suddenly exploded.
Now the entire planet is covered in lights from cities that surround the hives that had to be built to accommodate the vast majority of Bonnumites, the entire planet hums with electricity and life as people within the Imperium flock to the great nightlife of the capitol city Civitas Magna.
The Swords of Bonnum hide away in the towers of there fortress monastery in anger of what there homeworld has become at the hands of there people that have sold there souls and traditions to gluttony and selfishness, chapter master Golata has heard whispers of Slaaneshi cults and is currently investigating this treacherous accusation.
The space marines are embarrassed by this, and have been known to blow up in the faces of other chapters and commanders that mock there place of birth.
The space marines on the planet seem to be the only humans on the planet that have kept their native cultural heritage, because of this, they wear traditional native robes into battle that have been passed down from generation to generation.
The Swords of Bonnum prefer to sort things out with words when dealing with a human planet and see the lives of humans as a top priority. When conducting raids and battles they will always go to great lengths to insure that any human civilian will be unharmed in the process.
To be inducted into the scout company the applicants must go through a rigorous 48-hour written test, only the most in touch with the old ways of Bonnum are allowed to even go near the fortress monastery. The Bonnumites who pass this test must endure days of fighting in the fortress monastery’s coliseum against fully fledged battle brothers only those with the purest of hearts may join the ranks of the scout company, these events often last for 2 weeks, the applicants are free to leave at any time, and will often try to redo these tests the next time they are held.