Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

So, my Fiance's father died a couple of months ago. Needless to say it was VERY hard on her. I still catch her crying when she sees a picture or hears a song or whatever.

Anyway, her mother has been doing the things that you do when a loved one dies...including distributing out possessions that they have no use for.

I never got around to watching or picking up the Battlestar Galactica series from Sci-Fi. I've got the pilot mini-series but never picked up the others despite the acclaim that it garnered. Turns out that my Fiance's dad was a pretty cool dude and this was one of his series that he collected in it's entirety. My Fiance put me down for it with Mom and along with a box full of "stuff" that was sent to us and there we are...the entire run of Battlestar Galactica.

Now if this would've been X-mas or a birthday present or something I'd be totally amped...as I may have missed the series, but I've really wanted to pick it up. However, getting it has left me feeling a little weird.

I dont think I can watch it while Heather is home...b/c she knows where it came from.

Knowing that she'd feel that way makes me much less exited to watch it.

It's weird...a fantastic gift has me feeling a little, depressed. I'll probably watch some of it on my next day off while she's not home but still. It's really odd.

This strikes me as a talk it over with the missus kind of situation. See how she feels about it.

The other thing with Battlestar is that it has loads of issues in it that can ring true with a lot of people. It's not giving anything away to say that one of the lead characters has cancer, so if that's how her dad passed on, be warned it is a prominent feature of the story.

Wait, I'm not understanding something. Tell me where I went wrong.

When you say that she "put you down for it" does that mean that it was her idea for you to get it? I would assume that meant that it's okay with her if you watch it.

Still, I think Flashman's advice is probably good. Talk to her about it.

Right after my father died was pretty hard. It was one of those situations like you describe, there were a lot of things that brought back memories and a good measure of sadness. I remember walking through a furniture store and seeing a table set for eight people. I had the blues for a couple of hours after seeing it, thinking about my father sitting at the head of our table. A while after that, however, I found myself talking about my father with siblings and my mother and laughing over stories about him
The thing is, if it was a good life with someone, the sadness fades and people are left with the happy stuff. They then can think about loved ones who died and smile about what they've meant in their lives. Most people arrive at this point in their own time.
My advice is to let her get to that point and then think about watching the shows.

Treat the episodes like porn. Watch them while she's not around.

It can be awkward for a bit. Definitely best to discuss it, but I think in time you've got to see it as (in a small way) a way in which you share something with him and remember him in a good way.

He shared this interest with you, and in time the wound will be less raw, and the fact that each time you watch these discs you remember him will come to be a good and pleasant thing.

I should quietly shelve the DVDs at the back of a cupboard for a while.

There's no reason not to receive and use the possessions of the deceased -- I have ties that belonged to my father-in-law -- however it's hard to know how raw the feelings might be if you sit down and start watching it soon.

Better leave it for a while before you suggest watching them.

Have you two used anything else from that box?

I'd say continue watching it when she's not around. When she does grieve, be understanding and give her attention.

It is a quality show, especially the firs two seasons and imo its much better than the pilot, but it can also be relatively depressing.

It helps if you remember the good times while watching them (and not focus on the 'but they're gone' reality).

I'd watch it.

Some people NEVER get over the loss of family members.
Others just put it behind them - the loss is still there, but it's being dealt with.

I wouldn't worry about it too much unless she associates the actual series with him. Maybe give it a week or two to bed in and then get watching.

I think you should tell her you now have the DVDs if she doesn't know and well... talk about it from there. Just say you think it was a thoughtful thing to leave behind because you've never seen them.

I'm not saying drop a HUGE hint, but let it be known you are grateful for them and have a genuine interest in seeing them eventually, and work out the sort of feelings around that.

Kilkrazy wrote:I should quietly shelve the DVDs at the back of a cupboard for a while.

There's no reason not to receive and use the possessions of the deceased -- I have ties that belonged to my father-in-law -- however it's hard to know how raw the feelings might be if you sit down and start watching it soon.

Better leave it for a while before you suggest watching them.

That's dead on advice right there. I wouldn't talk to her about them for a while since that could put her in a position where on one hand she feels sadness about her father and at the same time she feels guilt about you not being able to watch them. Definitely not the emotions you want to have someone you love to wrestle with over a television show.
I wouldn't even watch them while she was out due to the off chance she could arrive back home unexpected or something gets forgotten and left out.
The thing to keep in mind is the fact that she loves you enough to want to spend the rest of her life with you. There'll be time enough to see the show, but let her get over her father's death.

It could be something you watch together to remember him fondly.