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Made in gb



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Made in ie
Norn Queen






Dublin, Ireland

Loved it, sent a tingle down the spine reading his lone fight against the Nids in the cave.

However, the end seems to switch tense from the past to the present which throws one off:

Days passed. Weeks. Ferumbras waited and watched,


And now they do,


Ferumbras signals,


etc.

I would change it to keep it all in the past tense:

Days passed. Weeks. Ferumbras waited and watched, knowing his brothers would come. And so they did, the thunderous engine-howl, drowning [out] the wail of the acid wind. Ferumbras signalled registering his position with the chapter-fleet. No living brother will ever be abandoned. [That is their Creed] The chapter-master himself [spoke], ‘Well fought, brother. I salute you and am sorry.’ The sky exploded in the white-hot flame of Exterminatus.

Ferumbras replied before he died: 'No apology necessary. You came back.'


Dman137 wrote:
goobs is all you guys will ever be

By 1-irt: Still as long as Hissy keeps showing up this is one of the most entertaining threads ever.

"Feelin' goods, good enough". 
   
Made in gb
[DCM]
Moustache-twirling Princeps





Gone-to-ground in the craters of Coventry

The switch seemed fitting, to be there at the end.
But, I started at the beginning, jumped to the end, then read the whole from the start.

Nicely done.

6000 pts - 4000 pts - Harlies: 1000 pts - 1000 ptsDS:70+S+G++MB+IPw40k86/f+D++A++/cWD64R+T(T)DM+
IG/AM force nearly-finished pieces: http://www.dakkadakka.com/gallery/images-38888-41159_Armies%20-%20Imperial%20Guard.html
"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." - George Bernard Shaw (probably)
Clubs around Coventry, UK 
   
Made in gb
Excited Doom Diver






Shrewsbury

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment on this.

I put the tense switch in at the end deliberately with the vague idea of signalling the switch from setting the scene in the past (at the start) to the 'backstory' past perfect (the middle) and then to the conclusion in present, and also maybe to make the conclusion seem more 'immediate'. I'm more than happy to tinker with it if there's a consensus that something hasn't come off as well as it might though and I do welcome all comments. So thank you both again.

Follow these two simple rules to ensure a happy Dakka experience:

Rule 1 - to be a proper 40K player you must cry whenever a new edition of the game is released, and always call opposing armies broken when you don't win.

Rule 2 - Games Workshop are always wrong and have been heading for bankrupcy within 5 years since the early 90s.  
   
Made in gb
Dakka Veteran





Nice one.

But shouldn't you be finishing your book?

Choose an army you can love, even when it loses - Phil Barker
 
   
Made in gb
Excited Doom Diver






Shrewsbury

I'm doing it now! (well not right at this moment, obviously, but today). Still on course for an end of September finish.

This little short won a local competition GW yesterday. I'm not sure of the quality of the other entries (didn't see any of them), but it was nice to win and I got my own little Golden Demon to put on the mantlepiece too...

Follow these two simple rules to ensure a happy Dakka experience:

Rule 1 - to be a proper 40K player you must cry whenever a new edition of the game is released, and always call opposing armies broken when you don't win.

Rule 2 - Games Workshop are always wrong and have been heading for bankrupcy within 5 years since the early 90s.  
   
Made in gb
Pile of Necron Spare Parts





South England, UK

Wow... You're writing a book? I'd love to know more.

"Tread lightly, and carry a big gun."  
   
Made in gb
Excited Doom Diver






Shrewsbury

DarkFuture wrote:Wow... You're writing a book? I'd love to know more.


Thanks for expressing interest. Much appreciated.

It's not a 40K novel... it's a (rather dark) Sword and Sorcery fantasy, catchily titled A Road of Blood and Slaughter (which you may reconise as a Robert E Howard - he of Conan - quote). at the moment I'm about to approach agents and publishers with it. I like to think it will be eagerly seized upon as a work of staggering genius, but we'll see...

Follow these two simple rules to ensure a happy Dakka experience:

Rule 1 - to be a proper 40K player you must cry whenever a new edition of the game is released, and always call opposing armies broken when you don't win.

Rule 2 - Games Workshop are always wrong and have been heading for bankrupcy within 5 years since the early 90s.  
   
Made in gb
Pile of Necron Spare Parts





South England, UK

DarkFuture wrote:
Wow... You're writing a book? I'd love to know more.


Blood and Slaughter wrote:
Thanks for expressing interest. Much appreciated.

It's not a 40K novel... it's a (rather dark) Sword and Sorcery fantasy, catchily titled A Road of Blood and Slaughter (which you may reconise as a Robert E Howard - he of Conan - quote). at the moment I'm about to approach agents and publishers with it. I like to think it will be eagerly seized upon as a work of staggering genius, but we'll see...


Let's hope so. Let me know when it's available to the Public, sounds very interesting. Any faint hints as to the storyline, or are you keeping things under wraps?

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2012/03/04 19:29:57


"Tread lightly, and carry a big gun."  
   
Made in gb
Excited Doom Diver






Shrewsbury

It's about the contrasting fortunes (and motivations) of two rather unpleasant mercenaries set against a background of intrigue and war with a dash of Cthulhu-esque alien entities and some sorcery spicing things up.

I've also written some short stories set in the same world which I've submitted to various online magazines. If and when they're published I'll post with where they're available.

Follow these two simple rules to ensure a happy Dakka experience:

Rule 1 - to be a proper 40K player you must cry whenever a new edition of the game is released, and always call opposing armies broken when you don't win.

Rule 2 - Games Workshop are always wrong and have been heading for bankrupcy within 5 years since the early 90s.  
   
Made in gb
Pile of Necron Spare Parts





South England, UK

Sounds very interesting... Thanks!

"Tread lightly, and carry a big gun."  
   
Made in dk
Implacable Skitarii







Amazing piece of work mate, congrats !

Good luck with the rest of your writing !

------------------------------------------------------
Never ride faster than your angel can fly
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"Deus est Machina" - ciuncky's painting blog

"The short life of an Astartes' best friend" - a very short fiction story 
   
Made in gb
Longtime Dakkanaut



Scotland

I enjoyed the premise and theme of the work but found it very difficult to read. I felt the story was filled with purple prose. I think it could work as a piece of poetry with some tweaking.
   
 
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