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So i am writting a story and would like commntary

so here is

"the space marine gone chaos"

....needs a new title





The shots rain down like the emperors wraith upon us for not fulfilling our duty.
“TAKE COVER” the sergeant yells
I quickly dive behind a wall…and blank out.

I awaken to some bird picking at my helmet. I quickly grab its throat and kill it. As its dieing breath escapes it, I look around. I am lying in front of a statue of the emperor himself. A wave of calm that would wash away the highest spire of holy Terra envelopes me. I raise my hand to salute the emperor …where is my right hand? I look and see that where my arm should have been there is now nothing but the ragged edges of my power armor and blood pouring out. I lie down and try to ignore the increasing pain of an arm that is not there.

Once I return the tech marines of mars can fashion me a new arm. No big deal I say to myself as another wave of pain washes over me. At this I look around and try to figure out what happened to my squad. We were assigned to assault this sector, as the populace was known to harbor renegade marines and worshipers of chaos. Yet I see none of my squad, all that I see is the deserted ruins that tower over me as I lie bleeding. A silence has fallen over all and I see none of my squad. As I am about to lie down and give my final praise to the emperor and ask for his forgiveness for our failure, when I hear a bell.

Bong…bong…it slowly gets closer. Suddenly the wind shifts and the foul smell of rot reaches me. It must be those foul apostates of Nurgle we were sent to kill.

“Emperor” I cry “give me the strength now to crush my foes so that I may do my duty before I die!” I stand…I attempt to stand only to find that my legs have been blown off as well.

“Emperor, help me!”

“Emperor, save me!”

“Emperor!” I yell. My breath slowly leaves me, my senses leave me as the bell comes ever more near.

“DAM YOU EMPEROR FOR LEAVING ME IN MY TIME OF NEED! DAM YOU!” I yell.

The last thing I hear before I black out is the bell right above me and a sickly voce saying “Yes this one will do.”

Interesting story. I like the second to last line; I imagine a lot of Imperials say that before getting blown up/eaten/melted. However, there are three major problems.

1. This should be in the fan fiction section (a mod will probably move it).

2. The occasional spelling and grammar and punctuation errors. It makes the story a lot easier to read if you fix those.

3. The title; yeah, yer right, it needs a new title. I'm sure you'll think of something as the story goes on.

sorry i just put it here cause i did not know where to put it

and i will try to edit the mistakes...well soon..... i kinda procrastinate a bit but yeah

glad you like it though

The fall to Pestilence as a title perhaps? Broken Faith?
But I like it. Would be a lot better if you edited it though. Copy/pasted it into word and run the spell check. Should fix up most of the problems

The Fall to Pestilence

sounds like a good title i might just use that CoI thank you


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though Broken Faith sounds good too

My only problem is that a spacemarines blood would have coagulated or he would not have woken up. Read flight of the einstien they adress this in it about half way through.