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Made in au
[MOD]
Not as Good as a Minion






Brisbane

Name: Maximillian “Scharfschütze” Schröder
Rank: Polizeiobermeister (Police sergeant [First Class])
Planet of Birth: Saarland
Psyker: No
Augmetics: Average Bionic Eye with Range-Finder and Laser Sight
Outfit: Arbites issue Carapace Armour, No Helmet, Camo Cloak
Preferred Weapon(s): Long rifle, Stubber, Knife, 2 Smoke Grenades
Handedness: Right-handed
Special Abilities: Deadeye Shot
-Max’s experience as an arbiter, and his years in their long rifle division, have cumulated in decades of firearm training and hard, bitter experience.
Nerves of Steel
-Years working the hardest streets as he came up through the ranks, the hardest jobs when he joined the LangeGewehr division and his years of service with the Inquisition has hardened Max to the horrors and fears of the world. However, he is still scarred from his experiences with the Kroot which scarred him for life, and this fear has spread to all Xenos. After Max has become aware of a Xenos in the area, until he is aware of its death, he does not benefit from this rule.

Spoiler:
Max’s family background is that of a long history of traders, a tradition which began on his homeworld and, as they ruthlessly expanded, continued to the far flung reaches of the galaxy. His family was brought into disrepute by a rogue trader, Schurke Fuhrmann, when one of their joint business ventures ended in what was deemed to be heresy. Despite their protestations of innocence, and the rogue trader’s clear involvement, the Inquisition deemed that the family needed to be purified. Every child for 3 generations was ordered to serve in either the Adeptus Arbites or the Imperial Guard as penance.
Maximillian was sent to the Adeptus Arbites, and served with distinction from his early days, participating in several key justice actions. During the action which saw him elevated to police sergeant (second class) Maximillian lost his eye to a near miss from a cultist armed with a long rifle who had downed his partner earlier in the engagement. Ignoring his wound, Max moved up to the heretic’s position, neutralizing the threat before taking up the enemy weapon and eliminated several other significant threats to the operation swiftly and efficiently. His issued riot shotgun lost in the melee with the sniper on his rooftop perch, he retained the long rifle which had claimed his eye and his partner’s sidearm with which he had slain the cultist and, after his recuperation, he received that same rifle, reconsecrated and sworn into service of the Arbites. He swiftly progressed through the ranks of long riflemen in the Arbites of his sub-sector, earning the honorific “Scharfschütze” and the rank of police sergeant (first class).
It was the deed which earned him this rank which also brought about his first personal contact with the Inquisition. His shot, which ended a rebellion threatening the entire sub-sector before it could truly gain momentum, was the shot which saved the life of then Inquisitorial Acolyte Agmund Silfverskiöld. It was after Agmund had been elevated to the rank of full Inquisitor, that he returned to the sector and recruited Maximillian as one of his personal retainers.
Maximillian has several different augmetic eyes which he can use, his ‘battle-eye’, named by Max in his usual forthright manner, incorporating a range-finder and a laser sight to aid his efforts in combat and surveillance. He never fails to go into battle with careful planning, camouflaging himself according to extensive research into the terrain. Max harbours a special hatred for Rogue Traders, due to the fact that it was a Rogue Trader who attached the taint of heresy into his family name. This has jeopardised several operations, when Agmund’s band has happened across the Schurke Fuhrmann, the heretical Rogue Trader that Max and his family thought to be dead. Max would react like lightning-fast, never giving the man time to explain or approach, and yet he always seems to be foiled. Deep in the slums of Baden-Baden, an ornamental flight of birds crossed his line of fire; on the fields of Ahrweiler the glint of Max’s scope was seen by Schurke, giving him time to throw a bodyguard in front of him to catch the round, before activating his displacement field and disappearing. Due to these failures, Max is becoming increasingly bitter towards Rogue Traders in general, becoming unreasonable and aggressive around all but the few who have earned his trust in service to the Ordos.
In the course of his service in the Arbites, Maximillian has come into contact with several Xenos breeds, who he finds particularly repulsive. His first contact was with a Kroot mercenary working for a gang on a border world. Max received a ragged scar on his face when the monster ambushed him in his hide, an ambush which he just managed to hold off until another member of the band managed to slay it. This encounter shook Max to his core, having never encountered a Xenos breed before. Now, when he comes across any form of Xenos in his service to the Ordos, he relives the clacking of the sharp beak, the tearing feeling as his face was opened to the bone, and most of all the cold fear he felt as he looked into the Kroot’s alien eyes and saw what he thought was his imminent death.


So what do you guys think? sounds interesting enough? or does he need more development. This is prior to playing any games, I'm trying to get some interesting characters for my band first.

This message was edited 3 times. Last update was at 2011/10/10 14:03:53


I wish I had time for all the game systems I own, let alone want to own... 
   
Made in gb
Sword-Bearing Inquisitorial Crusader





Near London, UK

motyak wrote:Nerves of Steel

In my opinion, Nerves of Steel does not represent a brave character, but instead one with no sense of self-preservation.
Brave/battle hardened characters should have simply a high Nv stat (which, with the +20% for if he's not hit and Nv tests not auto failing on 96-00, more than about Nv 70 means the character stays put almost all the time anyway). Nerves of Steel should be reserved for those characters who simply don't care if they live or die - servitors, emotionally suppressed Tech-adepts, hypnoindoctrinated Space Marines, that kind of thing.

As for his fear of Xenos, I would instead recommend that he treats all Xenos as Fearsome. (And maybe Fearsome Xenos as Terrifying, but I don't know.)

one of their joint business ventures ended in what was deemed to be heresy.

How so? What were they doing, and what exactly was deemed to be heretical about it? Given this is central to your background, it's worth defining what happened.

Despite their protestations of innocence, and the rogue trader’s clear involvement

If it's a powerful enough Rogue Trader, then unless it's serious enough to demand execution, they do tend to get away with things through sheer political clout. That'd add something to his rivalry actually, if the Rogue Trader had pulled strings to get it pinned on the Schröder family.

after his recuperation, he received that same rifle, reconsecrated and sworn into service of the Arbites.

I agree it's good for character's weapons to have back-stories, but there are a few too many characters who keep weapons they probably shouldn't.

Think about it from the armourer's viewpoint - why would he care about any personal connection Maximillian has with the rifle when it comes to the time to decide what weapon to issue? That's tainted technology, so it'd be pretty odd to give it to the person who's there as penance for his family's heresy - and with that in mind, what would he think if Maximillian asked to keep it?

To be honest, it probably would have just been chucked indiscriminately in a pile of evidence with all the other heretic's guns, get mixed up beyond anyone's ability to identify it specifically, then be thoroughly disposed of with the rest of them.

His shot, which ended a rebellion threatening the entire sub-sector before it could truly gain momentum

This rebellion, like the aforementioned heresy, probably needs more detail. Particularly as I'm interested to know how a rebellion is both in a position where it's threatening a sub-sector (as opposed to "might threaten the sub-sector one day, in five years, maybe.") and where it can be stopped with a single shot.

It was after Agmund had been elevated to the rank of full Inquisitor, that he returned to the sector and recruited Maximillian as one of his personal retainers.

This Inquisitor has the pick of billions of people and he decides to make a hundreds of lightyear trip to another sector to recruit one particular Arbitrator?

This is a simple fix though - shorten the distance. Inquisitors are usually pretty unlikely to operate outside a single sector. Sector-to-sector distances are vast and there's quite enough to do in their own sector to start poking one's nose into what other Inquisitors are based closer to.

He never fails to go into battle with careful planning, camouflaging himself according to extensive research into the terrain.

He should probably get the Camouflage ability then.

Max received a ragged scar on his face when the monster ambushed him in his hide, an ambush which he just managed to hold off until another member of the band managed to slay it.

Who, and how did it affect his relationship with them?

DR:80S(GT)G(FAQ)M++++B++I+Pinq01/f+D++A++/sWD236R++++T(S)DM+
Project log - Leander, 54mm scale Mars pattern Warhound titan 
   
Made in au
[MOD]
Not as Good as a Minion






Brisbane

Cheers mate. It is my first attempt at writing up a character' story. I'll flesh those bits out, change the things which don't make sense, and he should be good to go
I was thinking of having the Inquisitor himself and one other in the band, an acrobatic character with a submachine gun/blade kinda thing. Thanks for your help

I wish I had time for all the game systems I own, let alone want to own... 
   
Made in gb
Sword-Bearing Inquisitorial Crusader





Near London, UK

motyak wrote:Cheers mate. It is my first attempt at writing up a character' story.

It's a very good start. Other than where a couple of bits where big events are just described in very vague terms, which is something many writers (myself included) fall into every now and again, there's very little wrong with it.

Another suggestion that's come to mind is perhaps thinking a little more about some of the aspects of his personality, as you've only really addressed some of it.
Just thinking of a few words that describe their attitude is a good start. To take one of my Guardswomen as an example, I might choose the words Heroic, Sarcastic, Confident & Independent. And from there, you can weave more into it.

It's not actually that unusual to write a long background without actually really addressing a character's current personality (which, ultimately, is what you're playing the games with). And actually, in game, just having picked those few words is a big aid to keeping in character, as it gives you a really quick summary of how they might act.

DR:80S(GT)G(FAQ)M++++B++I+Pinq01/f+D++A++/sWD236R++++T(S)DM+
Project log - Leander, 54mm scale Mars pattern Warhound titan 
   
 
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