WIP hopefull black library book

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**cordan123**

I was hoping to get a draft down and see if the BL would publish it. Here's what I have so far. What do you think, keep it or start fresh?

Colonel-commissar Attilus gently wiped the corner of his mouth as a stewardess cleared away his tray. The other stepped forward and refilled his libation. The liquor was smooth to say the least. It's burn was almost soothing compared to the crude, cheap hard stuff fermented in the lower decks of the troop carrier Attilus had been living in for the past year.
The aquila shuddered, clinking the silver and glassware on the table together. Attilus glanced out the porthole to his left. Faint flames of burning atmosphere licked around the outer edge of the glass. A quiet, low rumble could be herd under the soft music that played through the cabin.
The pilot's voice called over the intercom, " eta, thirty seconds."
The voice stirred Kaltos from his thoughts.
" Ready to meet your men Attilus?" the commissar-general asked his young companion.
"Of course sir." Attilus replied. Your men, those words weren't often spoken to commissars. Leadership, while taught at the schola, was not the usual duty of a man like Attilus.
He looked down at his glass, swirling the dark brown liquid within absent-mindedly.
Kaltos looked at the man sitting across from him.
"You know, after so many years doing my duty, reading people comes second nature," he said, " what's on your mind?"
Attilus straightened slightly.
" I just don't understand sir, why-"
"Why you?"
"Yes sir."
"Tell you the truth, it's because you are like your father."
Attilus' head cocked slightly as a surprised look appeared on his face.
" You knew my father?"
"He was a good man. You two share the charisma that keeps men in line through respect, not fear. That's rare, and necessary in this case."
"Sorry sir I still don't understand."
The commissar-general chuckled, "Pull a gun on anyone of these men, and you'll be fragged before the day is out. You were chosen because you can earn their loyalty, one day maybe even their love."
A wicked smile spread across Attilus' face as he chuckled.
"Earning the love of gangers. You never said it was a suicide mission sir."
"Your last regiment loved you."
"My last regiment was the Constantine 165th. A heavy infantry regiment made up of volunteers from a fortress world. Not exactly draftee criminals press-ganged into fighting on some distant planet they've never heard of."
The older man joined his counterpart in a small chuckle.
"I guess not. But I trust you'll be able to do it."
"Thank you sir."
A light above the door to the cockpit began flashing green. The soft roar of the engines heightened in pitch and volume until it became a high-pitched shriek.
The two men stood up and exchanged a small nod. There was a loud thunk as the lander's pads hit the hard deck. Exit ramp slowly lowered itself to the ground and cool air rushed in.

and that's all I got so far.

**Blacksails**

Its really hard to judge anything with such a small excerpt. What is there looks good so far. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, formatting. The descriptions could use some elaboration in some places to really set the mood/scene, but otherwise looks good. I'd need more to really judge the story.

**cordan123**

Where'd you think it needs elaborating? I'm still trying to get the balance between blasting through it and spending five pages describing someone's chair.

**WarpStalker**

If you ever want it publishing by Black Library then you *HAVE* to stop posting it elsewhere. They want to be the first to publish it, so even if you just post it once on an internet forum then you are stuffed. So you may want to start on reworking this excerpt, as you have posted it, meaning they wont publish.
The problem with asking people if you think this is good enough for BL is that nothing actually happens, this is just one facet of the story and as such is very dialogue heavy. Not saying there is anything wrong with that but you wont get anyone judging your work on such a small scale.
Also, I agree with what Blacksails said about the description, however i think that the amount of description is again attributed to the amount of dialogue :p
Spelling/punctuation/grammar needs tidying up.

hope that was informational(if that is a word haha.)!

**DIDM**

BL does not take unsolicited work

EVER

it will go in the great big dump as soon as they see what it is

good start though, fan fiction is always fun to read

**RaptorsTalon**

If you really want to send it to them, this is what it says on their website:

The Black Libary wrote:

Prospective authors will be able submit to us in the following ways:

Short Stories

We require a single paragraph summary, a 500-1,000 word synopsis and 1,000 words of sample text. If accepted the final word count for short story manuscripts is typically between 5 and 8 thousand words.

Novels

We require:
• a 1,000 word summary
•chapter-by-chapter breakdown of the entire novel (no more than 6 pages) and
•the first 3 chapters (10,000 words minimum).

When accepted the final word count for novel manuscripts is in the region of 100 thousand words.

Writers whose work we consider fit for publication will be contacted within 8 weeks of a submission window closing. Rejected submissions will not receive a response.

Any submissions which do not adhere to the submissions guidelines will be rejected.

Unfortunately, we are not currently looking for Horus Heresy or Time of Legends submissions .

Please e-mail all submissions as a single attachment (in Word format, 12pt Times) to: submissions@blacklibrary.com (this e-mail address is for submissions only and we will not reply to any queries we receive via this address), there is no automated receipt response.

**LoneLictor**

This is very well written; you have an excellent writing style/voice. Without using too many words you can give a pretty clear picture of what's going on.

**WarpStalker**

DIDM you are wrong, they have a period from May - July (or something like that) where anyone can submit work. Some get chosen, most dont. Check their FAQ section for more details. But as I said, now this has been posted they won't accept it.