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Hi,
This is a short story I made about my DIY Kabal, the Shattered Mask. Enjoy!

Helven’s Strike

Archon Helven Persaevius strode gracefully through the narrow corridors that lined his Commorragh Manor. He looked at the mirror. The fluxine mask that he wore contorted to his facial expression, twisting and stretching with every word he spoke. “Kera, I grow weary with Commorragh. I need to slaughter and maim. Where do I continue the purge?” “We have located a planet of the ignorant humans. An entire Chapter of the pathetic Space Marines are currently located there.” Kera replies, his, no, it’s raspy voice echoed through the slats of his helmet. The Archon of the Kabal of the Shattered Mask’s voice flared with passion, awaiting the coming hunt. He started picturing the look of frozen terror on the enemy’s face. He asked Kera where this planet was. The Archon left the room to assemble his force. His destination; Kravus V, Chapter Planet of the Black Krakens.

As his cruiser, the Ll’anti, lowered into orbit, Helven watched as the first Raiders dropped into the clouds of the planet. His gaze rested on the planet. “What a mud ball” he thought to himself. He gripped the hilt of his Agoniser and embarked into his Venom. He smiled as the razor craft plunged down into the marshes swamping the planet.

As he pulled up he spurred towards the enemy. His Venom jinked through the air, only to hurl a cloud of toxic splinters into the enemy, who were overwhelmed by the poisons they secreted. As Kabalite warriors unleashed torrents of venomous razors he cackled with glee. When he finally reached the enemy line, he jumped out of the sleek craft, ready to tear apart the Marines limb from limb.

As soon as Commander Lycaneus heard about the skyfall, he had assembled his forces with haste. He herded them into Thunderhawk Transporters, and shot to the north of the planet. He refused to let the xenos threaten the glorious defenders of mankind, and would fight the Archon to the death so be it.

The Archon was surrounded by his Incubi bodyguard. They hurled themselves forward with manic glee, and the Archon slashed at the Marines with his Agoniser. One fell to the floor. Another discharged his bolter, but had the bullets deflected by the shadows that swirled around the Archon. He lashed out, decapitating another Marine. The Sergeant tried to slash him with his power sword, but was soon in the grasp of the manic Archon, being stared at by the empty eyes of his mask. He fell to the floor shivering. The raid continued.

Lycaneus flew over the battlefield, and dropped out of the plane, held aloft by his jump pack. He plunged on top of where Helven was supposed to be, but the nimble Dark Eldar managed to dodge him swiftly. He whipped him with his Agoniser, the pain searing through his flesh. The Commander roared, and leapt up. He swung at the Archon with the hammer he clutched in his hand, only to miss. The Archon whipped him again, another surge of pain sweeping through him. The mighty Space Marine swung the hammer with all his might, and cracked the Shadowfield surrounding the Archon. He collapsed to the floor. The Archon thought about delivering the killing blow. On one hand, he could have the satisfaction of destroying a god-like Space Marine hero. On the other, there was profit to be made in the Wych Arenas of Commorragh. They would be sorely pressed to find another prisoner of this quality. The Archon placed him in a cage to be sold in the arenas. The remaining survivors were either imprisoned or slaughtered.

Helven smiled. Today was a very good day.

I think its a good plot and the fight scene at the end was pretty good.

But on the other hand I feel like things happen way to quickly, why not describe the swamp they're in or describe the hum of the venom stuff like that.

"As his cruiser, the Ll’anti, lowered into orbit, Helven watched as the first Raiders dropped into the clouds of the planet. His gaze rested on the planet. “What a mud ball” he thought to himself. He gripped the hilt of his Agoniser and embarked into his Venom. He smiled as the razor craft plunged down into the marshes swamping the planet."

You could change this to:

Helven stood on the deck of his cruiser's loading bay staring out at the clouds as his ship decended to the swampy planet. He smiled with excitement as he watched the clouds stream past his ship to reveal many odd looking swamp trees.

"Finally we can strike!" he said climbing aboard the Venom.

As he climbed into the cockpit he powered the craft on. It hummed with power as it lit up the control panel in front of him.

He looked out of the cockpit to see other warriors cheering with their thirst for pain as they took off from the cruiser's loading dock in their Raiders. Helven laughed with encouragement then throttled out of the cruiser himself.



you shouldn't cut around corners because the story gets unclear in some parts. It just seems foggy. from one second we're on a cruiser in space looking at a murky planet then to another second we're fighting a space marine on the swampy planet.

You have the talent for writing which is obvious from your last paragraph so you can easily write things out more. Like I said describe your environment and take your time making sure the reader knows the setting and what's going on.